Practice to Deceive
by Livie79
Summary: I saw her today. I wasn't impressed. But he wanted her, and that was enough for me. She was just collateral damage. AH ExB
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p>"<em>Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." ~Sir Walter Scott<em>

**Prologue**

_April 2011..._

I jogged up the stairs to my apartment; I was late and figured Bella was already here waiting on me. I came around the corner, noticing the front door was slightly ajar, which was really fucking weird. I sprinted down the hall and burst into the apartment, unsure of what to expect.

The moment I saw Bella my entire world came to a screeching halt. She was on her knees in the middle of my living room floor, sheets of paper fisted in her hands.

My eyes darted around the room, there were papers scattered everywhere, balled and ripped. My heart clenched when I spotted a well worn and very familiar book lying haphazardly on the floor.

I looked back to Bella, tears streamed down her face and dripped off her chin when she lifted her head and focused on me. All of the blood drained from my face as realization set in of what she'd found.

"Baby..." I whispered, slowly walking towards her.

"Don't!" she screamed, jumping to her feet. "Don't you fucking dare call me that; you don't get to call me that again, _ever_." She clenched her fists tightly, the papers crinkling in her hands as she stared down at them.

A sob tore from her throat and I wanted so badly to comfort her. She needed to know how sorry I was. She needed to know that I was in love with her. But when she lifted her eyes to mine the dead, lifeless glaze they held was like ice in my veins, freezing me in place.

"So I was revenge," she said, the dead monotone pitch of her voice matching her eyes.

"No, Bella, no, no, no," I begged, hot tears stinging my eyes. I couldn't lose her, the thought alone was crushing.

"And all this?" she asked with a humorless chuckle, her arms sweeping wide over the area of my living room, where she had ripped out page after page of my journal. My journal that had every thought, every secret, every wrong that I'd ever done to her.

"That was before," I choked out, stepping closer to her, unable to stay away any longer. "I was going to tell you everything, I promise. I just...I can't lose you. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry."

I reached up, sweeping the pad of my thumb across her check, my other hand cupping the underside of her jaw, absorbing the feel of her skin against mine. She sighed and closed her eyes tightly.

"Too late. You already have," she whispered sadly, shaking her head and stepping away from me, the look of pain on her beautiful face crippling me.

"Don't do this. We can fix this, I know we can," I pleaded, feeling the stranglehold of dread clutch my throat with unforgiving hands, the air trapped in my body, burning, punishing.

"_You_ did this, not me. I'm done," she spat, dropping the papers to the floor.

She moved to step around me and my arm shot out, pulling her to me as I dropped to my knees. I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her stomach.

She pushed roughly on my shoulders, but the harder she pushed, the tighter I squeezed. I knew, _I knew_ that as soon as I let her go she would leave me, the image causing bile to rise in my throat.

She stopped pushing me, her arms falling limply to her sides. "Edward, look at me."

I shook my head, unable to look her in the eye, knowing the pain I would see there was all my own doing.

"Haven't you hurt me enough?" she cried, her hands finding my hair and yanking roughly, forcing me to look up at her. Her face was crumpled, brows pulled down, her chin quivering as she clenched her jaw.

"I love you, Bella, please give me a chance to fix this," I begged. I knew how fucked up it was for me to tell her I loved her for the first time like this, but she needed to know, she needed to understand. She sucked in a sharp breath, her hands tightening in my hair once more before releasing it altogether.

"No you don't. You don't treat people you love the way you've treated me, now let me go Edward."

I loosened my arms slowly before dropping them to my sides. Holding her against her will was not going to solve anything, but she needed to understand that I did love her, so fucking much.

"Yes, Bella, I do. You can't tell me what I feel," I argued, so angry with myself for not fixing this shit so long ago. She laughed again, but it was mean and hard and nothing like the sweet girl I'd held in my arms just last night.

"Well," she sighed, "that really fucking sucks for you, doesn't it? Because I don't love you. I can't even look at you," she sneered, her face twisting with disgust as she walked to the open door.

"Please."

"Fuck you, Edward," she spat, walking out the door and leaving me in the exact position I had found her minutes earlier. My entire world had just imploded, and I had no one to blame but myself.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Anyone who wants to punch me in the face for starting another story, please, feel free. I wrote this last year, then freaked out and deleted the whole thing. I told my friend Kelly about it and she begged me to write it again, so here we are. Meg made it pretty, Jules cheered me on, and all of the people I drunkenly emailed this to last night said I should post it. So here it is. I will post chapter one tomorrow and then it should be weekly updates. It will not interfere with ABM because Dirt Roads is now over. SSOOBBBSSS. Okok, I'll shut up now, let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>You have learned something. That always feels at first as if you had lost something. ~H.G. Wells<em>

**Chapter One**

_May 2010..._

"Yo, Jake, you here?" I yelled, throwing my back pack on the floor and kicking off my shoes. Finals were finally fucking over and I was ready to relax and just be lazy and drunk for the next three months.

"In the living room."

I stopped by the kitchen and grabbed a couple of beers before falling onto the couch beside Jake and tossing him one.

"Thanks man," he said, never taking his eyes off the game he was playing. Jake and I had been best friends since freshman year. We'd met during rush week and immediately hit it off. He was laid back, funny, and a genuinely nice guy. After freshman year we got an apartment off campus and have lived here the past two years. Which is why I wasn't looking forward to the conversation we were about to have.

"So uh, you know how Maggie has been bugging me about us moving in together," I started, noticing how Jake's jaw tightened. He really hated Maggie, I just couldn't figure out why. She was a little much to take sometimes and liked to party a lot, but we'd been together for almost as long as Jake and I had been friends. As far as I knew she'd always been cool with him.

"Anyway, I think that when I move back here for fall semester, we're going to get a place together. I just wanted to give you the summer to find another roommate."

Jake popped the top off of the beer I gave him and downed half of it in one swallow. He leaned forward on the couch resting his elbows on his knees before turning his head to the side and looking over at me.

"Dude, I thought you said you weren't going to move in together until you were at least engaged. What changed?"

"Well," I said awkwardly, rubbing the back of my neck.

"No fucking way," he deadpanned. He stared at me for a second, obviously waiting for me to tell him that I wasn't going to ask her to marry me. But the truth was that's exactly what I was going to do. We'd been together for years, she wanted to marry me and, fuck, I loved her. I'd never been in love before her, but I figured what I felt was enough. Sure I didn't get those fucking butterflies you hear about in the movies, but that was all bullshit anyway. I was comfortable. I was happy. We never fought; it was easy, familiar.

"Dude, what the fuck are you thinking?" Jake asked, his voice low and controlled, as he tried to remain calm. But I knew Jake, he was about to lose it. And honestly, this shit was getting so old. I was tired of always having to explain myself when it came to Maggie. If it wasn't to Jake, it was to my brother Emmett or his girlfriend Rose.

"I'm thinking that I'm going to ask the girl I've been dating for nearly three years to marry me," I yelled angrily, jumping to my feet.

"But she's not right for you man, you're fucking settling and you know it," he yelled back, slamming his bottle down on the coffee table and matching my stance.

"Fuck you Jake. Just because some bitch broke your heart doesn't mean all girls are like that. I told you Leah was fucking trouble." As soon as I said those words I felt like shit. Jake met Leah our sophomore year and he fell for her, fast and hard. But I knew she was on the rebound and if given chance to get back with her ex she'd drop Jake in a heartbeat. Which is exactly what happened. Which is why when his fist connected with the side of my face I wasn't even mad, I deserved that shit.

I stumbled back, wiping the blood from my lip as Jake stood in front of me, his entire body vibrating with anger. His eyes were hard, challenging, but there was something else there, something darker, deeper, pained. He shook his head at me, screwing his eyes shut tightly before looking me dead in the eye and speaking with such conviction that it made my blood run cold.

"You'll see man. You'll see. She's not as fucking perfect as you think." Then he turned and stormed out the front door, slamming it shut behind him so forcefully that the picture on the wall fell to the floor, the glass shattering. I took a deep breath, resigned to the fact that Jake would never be the same after Leah, and that I was an asshole for bringing it up.

After cleaning up the broken glass I jumped in the shower and got ready for tonight. I really wanted to stay the fuck home and chill, but Maggie was all about going out and partying, and now that finals were over there were going to be fucking parties everywhere.

We'd been at the frat house for about three hours and I was ready to call it a night. Finals had drained me, and my fight with Jake had added to my stress about proposing to Maggie, both my mind and body were ready to collapse.

"Are you ready to go yet?" I asked, sliding up next to Maggie and wrapping my arm around her waist. She looked up and grinned at me, her eyes glazed over. Pretty sure the sixth Jagerbomb she'd shot had something to do with that. She poked her lip out dramatically and batted her eyes and, fuck, I should have known better than to think I could get her out of here before midnight.

"Just a little longer, please. I promise we'll leave soon, I just want to tell a few people bye since I won't see them over the summer." I rolled my eyes at her but nodded my head anyway, knowing that another hour or so wasn't going to fucking kill me. Plus I still hadn't seen Jake and I was starting to get worried, he should have been here already.

I fucked around with some of the guys in the kitchen, just hanging out and playing cards. I was on my sixth beer, and I needed to fucking stop now if I expected to get Maggie out of here. Carrying her drunk ass back to my place was hard enough sober, we'd both end up in the bushes if I was drunk, too.

"Have you seen Maggie?" I asked Jared, one of my brothers, as I scanned the room.

"Uh, a while ago, she was downstairs talking to a few girls, but I think someone got sick so I'm pretty sure everyone cleared out of there from the looks of all the people crammed up here."

"Okay, thanks man." I started to walk away when Jared grabbed my arm to stop me. "What's up?"

"What's up with Jake man?"

"What do you mean?" I didn't even realize that he was here. I wondered how I missed his big ass.

"He's here, and he's fucking ripped dude. Like I haven't seen him this fucked up since freshman year." Fuck. I knew I shouldn't have brought up Leah today, now he was going to be nursing one hell of a fucking hangover tomorrow.

"He's just stressed, with school and shit, I'll go find him and get him home." I said, walking towards the basement. It was probably him that got sick, he never could hold his fucking liquor.

I walked down the stairs, the smell of vomit assaulting me immediately. Fuck, that shit was rank. I heard someone moaning and pulled the neck of my t shirt over my mouth and nose, fucking light weight.

I maneuvered around all of the empty bottles and cans and random fucking trash all over the floor, making my way over to the couch. I had spent a lot of fucking time down here in this basement; it was probably my favorite part of the house. It was fucking huge with a pool table, foosball table, and dart board when you first come in, then in the back was a couch facing a huge fucking television mounted on the wall.

As I got closer to the couch I realized that the moaning I'd heard was not the kind of moaning I'd originally thought. Fuck, how anyone could have sex down here with that fucking smell was insane. I turned to leave them to it when a voice I'd know anywhere stopped me cold.

"What made you change your mind?" Maggie breathed in a voice that I was so fucking familiar with. She always got so soft and sweet and just fucking girl when we were together. It was one of my favorite things about her. How she could be so tough and strong, but when we were together her hard exterior just fell away and she fucking melted into me.

"I just want to make sure you get everything you deserve," Jake slurred. I felt bile rise in my throat, hurt and anger surging through by body. I spun on my heel, taking measured and calculated steps towards the couch. A huge part of me hoping that I was hearing things, that it was not what it sounded like; that my best friend was not fucking my girlfriend. As soon as I got close enough to the back of the couch I knew that wouldn't be the case as I watched Maggie's naked back move rhythmically over Jake. I stared at them, blinking repeatedly, still hoping that the image in front of me would change, shift, be anything but what I was seeing.

"The fuck," I whispered, or at least I thought I did, but the way Maggie's head snapped up and her mouth dropped open let me know she fucking heard me.

"Ed-" Maggie started before Jake's arms shot up and and roughly shoved her backwards, sending her body to the opposite end of the couch. He jumped up, yanking up his jeans then stumbled, falling into the coffee table sending bottles and cans flying as the impact of his body snapped the cheap wooden frame in two. The cord of a game controller tangled with his body, ripping the console from the shelf and crashing to the floor.

Maggie scrambled to snatch her clothes over her head as footsteps thundered down the stairs, no doubt hearing the loud noises. I watched the scene in front of me unfold like I wasn't actually there, a spectator floating on the edge of this fucked up reality and not in the starring fucking role.

"Oh shit," someone from behind whispered as Jake slowly rolled from his side in the middle of the busted coffee table to his feet. He grabbed the arm of the couch to pull himself up as he swayed from side to side. Maggie hadn't attempted to speak, but her quiet sniffles were loud pulsing drums beat in my ears in the deadly quiet room.

Jake's face was remorseful, but there was something else there, too. He looked almost triumphant, like he'd won, that he'd proved himself. In a way I guess he had, he'd just shown me that Maggie was no different from Leah or any other girl, but that didn't mean I wasn't about to kick his fucking ass.

I didn't speak as I walked around the edge of the couch and stood in front of him. Words were pointless, there was no need to talk shit or build up the fucking drama for everyone around us. He was my best friend and he fucking betrayed me. My arm swung back then snapped forward, hooking around to the left side of his face and connecting with his eye.

He fell back into the broken table once again before I was on him. I don't know how many times I hit him, or how many people it took to pull me off, but I did know among the chaos and blood and shrill screams from Maggie that I'd just lost my best friend and girlfriend in one night. And as angry as I fucking was, I was fucking devastated.

"I told you Edward, they're all the same," he slurred as two guys lifted him from the floor. He wiped the blood running down the side of his face with the back of his hand, staring at it for a beat before wiping it against his jeans.

"She's fucking trashed, Jake!" I yelled, pointing at Maggie. I knew what I heard, but _fuck_, people did stupid fucking shit when they were drunk, right? I needed this to make fucking sense for me right now.

"She's been trying to get on my dick for over a year, dude. Why the fuck do you think I hate being around her ass? If she's trying to fuck me, who else is she fucking?" he asked, jerking his body away from the guys still holding on to him.

"You're lying." But there was no heat behind my words as I looked over at Maggie. She was shaking her head back and forth quickly, mouthing the word 'no' over and over again. But there was something in her eyes, a wild cornered look that made her look desperate, caught.

"I'm not."

"So, what? You had to fuck her? Here? Like this?" I asked, throwing my arms wide. There were people everywhere, I could not possibly have been humiliated any fucking more than I was now. If his intention was to hurt me then he fucking did so, spectacularly.

"No, I-" he stuttered, looking around the room, seemingly taking in the scene around him for the first time. I shook my head at him, chuckling. I'd had enough of this shit.

"You know what? It doesn't matter. Fuck you both." I turned and walked up the stairs, pulling out my phone and calling my brother Emmett. He was a year younger than me, but lived with Rose in an apartment off campus. It rang twice before he answered.

"Sup, bro?"

"Hey, Em, can you come pick me up?" I didn't want to go back to the apartment, and I knew that Em and Rose would leave me the fuck alone and give me space until I was ready to deal with all of this shit.

"You okay, man?" I didn't know how to answer that shit so I didn't.

"Meet me at my apartment in twenty?" I answered instead.

"On my way."

"Thanks." I closed my phone, turning it off and walked back to my apartment to grab some shit and get out of there. I didn't want to hear apologies or condolences or people's mock outrage at what happened tonight just so they could try and get more details. I was so done with this shit, with these people. Three days and I'd be back home and I could forget this shit and let the dust settle.

_June 21, 2010_

_Yesterday was my birthday, not that I remember much. Emmett rode my ass until I finally agreed to go out for a while. I woke up in some chick's shitty apartment naked and hungover. I didn't know her name, didn't really give a fuck either. I grabbed my shit and left without waking her. It didn't matter, she wouldn't care, they really are all the same. Happy fucking birthday to me._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Holy crap! I am BLOWN away by the number of alerts and favorites and tweets I've gotten in response to this story. I am humbled that you take the time out of your day to read and share with me. Meg and Oh Werd beta like machines and I couldn't do this without them. Jules pre-reads and makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. And to top it off TwistedInMasen made me a BEAUTIFUL banner that you guys have to check out on my profile. Thanks for reading! Puffies!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge. ~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton<em>

**Chapter Two**

_July 2010_

"_You have eighteen new messages_..." I pressed 'delete all' and tossed my phone on the bed. When would they get it through their fucking heads that I wasn't interested in their apologies, or excuses, or anything else they had to say?

Jake had called relentlessly for weeks, saying the same things over and over. He'd said it wasn't supposed to happen like that. He'd just wanted to set her up, but he got too drunk. That I didn't see things clearly when it came to Maggie. I had to laugh at that, I think they made everything crystal fucking clear when I walked in on her riding his dick.

I think what hurt most was that Jake was trying harder to talk to me than Maggie. Not that it mattered, because I was so fucking done with her. Still, how many blows could one person land on my ego?

I peeled off my shirt and headed to the shower. Dad had kept me busy fixing shit around the house for the last month, and I'd just about reached my limit for free labor. He'd tried to talk to me about what had happened, but like with Emmett I gave the smallest amount of information possible. That shit was fucking humiliating, and while I knew that Emmett probably already knew all the details since he was still at the school, he hadn't pushed or asked any questions.

After my shower I threw on some clothes and headed downstairs. Jared had called a few days ago wanting to hang out tonight and I was more than ready to get out of my parents house for a while. His parents lived in Port Angeles so I was driving up there to meet him, since there sure as fuck wasn't anywhere around here to hang out.

"Hey honey, you have plans tonight?" Mom asked, walking in to the kitchen.

"Yup." I answered, shifting food around in the fridge, looking for something to eat. She didn't say anything back so I looked over my shoulder to see her staring at me expectantly. I sighed, what the fuck? Was I five? I slammed the door to the fridge, taking a deep breath before turning around and facing my overbearing mother.

"I'm going to P.A. to hang out with Jared."

"Do you know if you'll be coming back tonight?" she shot back.

"I don't. It depends on what I get into tonight." Or who, I thought to myself. Her face scrunched up in disapproval. I knew that face, I'd become quite familiar with it over the past six weeks.

"Edward," she sighed. I held up my hand.

"Mom, really, just drop it," I said, walking towards the door.

"Son, I know you're hurting right now, but you can't-"

"Don't," I spat. "I'm not hurting. I'm fine. He's an asshole and she's a whore. End of story."

"Honey-"

"Just stay out of it!" I yelled. "It's none of your damn business!"

Mom gasped the same time something hard slammed into my chest, knocking me back into the wall. My dad's face came into view, bright red with anger, eyes hard, his mouth in a thin line. He fisted my shirt in both hands, pulling me away from the wall slightly before pinning me against it once more.

Mom was yelling, but I couldn't hear what she was saying because I was locked in the deadly glare of my father. I had never seen him this angry before.

"You will _never_," he spat through clenched teeth, "speak to you mother that way again, do you understand me?"

I glared at him; anger, guilt, and pride warring inside of me, my jaw locked with defiance.

"Do you hear me!" he roared, his nose skimming my own.

"Carlisle, stop!" Mom cried, coming up behind him and grasping his shoulder. But he never took his eyes off me, and I knew that he wouldn't back down until he got the answer he wanted.

"I understand," I gritted out, embarrassment and anger making my face burn hot. He released me, stepping away slowly, his eyes locked with mine, no matter how hard mom tried to divert his attention. I broke under the heat of his stare, unable to maintain the intensity of emotion reflected in his gaze. I cut to my eyes to my mom and felt all of the anger drain out of me as I took in her rumpled state, her face red, blotchy, tears tracks running down her face.

"Mom, I'm sorry," I choked, no matter what I was going through, or how angry I was, I never wanted to hurt my mother. She held up her hand, shaking her head.

"It's fine, just, Edward, you can't keep going like this," she hiccuped. I looked at my dad who still looked furious, but the fire had extinguished from his eyes.

"Edward, son, get it together. This isn't you. I don't know the details, but don't let this change who you are," Dad said, putting his arm around mom's shoulders and leading her out of the room. I stood in the middle of the empty kitchen wondering how the fuck I was supposed to get it together when I couldn't even find all the fucking pieces.

By the time I reached P.A. my only thought was how quick I could reach black out drunkenness. I met Jared at his house and we headed to a bar close by. It was still early, so the place was pretty empty, which was perfect. I didn't need people up in my face right now, I wanted to get fucking blitzed.

"So, are you all set for classes next month?" Jared asked, downing his second shot. I sighed, just the thought of going back to school, back to the bullshit, made me fucking sick.

"Yeah, I got shit finalized already." I really didn't want to talk about school, and I was pretty sure he picked up on that shit from the force I used to slam my fourth shot glass down on the bar. So we didn't. We talked about his summer and his parents, and his deadbeat brother who was just arrested again.

Before I realized it I was seven shots and three beers in and the bar was packed. It was loud, the music blaring through the speakers as people shoved and pushed, trying to get to the bar to order a drink. A girl pushed her way through a group of guys standing behind us, squeezing in between mine and Jared's bar stools. She cut her eyes to me, I assumed she was trying to be flirty, but fuck that, what was the point? We both knew where this was going to end up if I decided to take it there.

"Hi," she said, smiling. I gave her the once over, my swaying balance making the move much more exaggerated than I'd meant to.

"Hey," I answered with a nod, turning back to the bar. I could see her smile falter from the corner of my eye and I couldn't help the smirk that pulled up on one side of my mouth. She cleared her throat and straightened her back, pushing her breast out before leaning closer to me.

"Buy me a drink?" she whispered. Yeah, she had some practice at that shit. I cocked my head to the side, glancing at her over my shoulder before giving her my best smile.

"Do you really think you should have another one?" I asked lowly, moving my face closer to hers. She stared at me for a second, her face blank before she blinked quickly and smiled back.

"Sure, why shouldn't I?"

I let go of my beer, pulling my arm off the bar and dropping it to my side before running my hand up the back of her bare thigh to the bottom of her short as fuck skirt. I thumbed the hem, running my fingers along the edge from one side to the other before wrapping my fingers along the back of her thigh and pulling her closer. Her breath hitched, her chest rising and falling heavily.

"Because I want you to be coherent when I fuck you later," I explained, giving her thigh a squeeze before letting go and leaning away from her, taking a sip of my beer. I put my glass down and looked at her, noticing that she was still standing in the same position, her eyes wide.

I leaned over to her, brushing her long blond hair off her shoulder and bringing my lips to her ear. "Breathe, baby." I chuckled. She jerked, seemingly gathering herself as she grinned back at me, her face flushed, no fucking doubt turned on enough that I could fuck her in the bathroom without any protest.

"I can handle one more drink." She laughed, running her hand up my shoulder, her nails scraping the back of my neck. It was always the same, the fucking end game, for both of us.

I nodded to the bartender to bring her a drink, I guess it was the least I could fucking do. The bartender set her drink down in front of her as she turned to me expectantly.

"I'm Chelsea."

"Edward."

"So, are you from around here?" she asked. I was in no mood for fucking conversation with this girl. I grinned at her, casting a glance to the table in the back of the bar where a group of girls were staring at us and giggling. No doubt her friends.

"I'll tell you what, why don't you run back over there and hang with your friends and I'll come find you in a bit," I suggested as Jared snickered behind her. She stuck out her lip in an exaggerated pout, which honestly just annoyed the fuck out of me, before grabbing her drink and turning away.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her back, running my hand over her ass before letting her go again.

"Don't go too far." She smiled then, feeling like she'd won some pathetic battle of wills by getting me to pull her back. Fuck that, I was doing what I always did now: reel 'em in enough to keep their eyes on me all night, but make it clear it would be on my terms.

As soon as she was gone I turned my attention back to my beer, taking a big gulp before cutting my eyes to Jared who looked like he was about to burst. He had a huge smile stretched across his face, alcohol making his eyes glassy, his cheeks red.

"What?"

"You man. What the fuck dude?" he chuckled. "You basically just told that girl you were going to fuck her, then sent her packing till you were ready. And she went."

I grinned lazily at him, the alcohol working through my system was beginning to put a layer of haze over my eyes, a fog swirling around me, dulling the edges and lulling me into a quiet state of relaxation.

"Well Jared, I've finally figured something out," I explained, waving for the bartender to get us another round. "The shittier you treat a girl, the more she wants you." I slammed the shot placed in front of me, the liquor not even burning as it slid down my throat, my entire body pleasantly numb.

"It's just weird, seeing you like this. Do you realize how much pussy you could have gotten the past few years?" he asked, laughing.

And motherfucker. I did not want to fucking talk about that shit, about her. Pissed or not, I'd spent three years of my life with Maggie. I was going to marry her, give her everything, and it fucking stung to have her betray me so easily. Every time I thought about what else she could have been doing all this time it was like a fucking knife stabbing me in the gut, twisting from side to side before being violently yanked back out.

"I know," I answered, shrugging, my face showing no trace of the millions of emotions screaming in frustration within me.

"Uh, not to change the subject, but dude," Jared said, bewildered, "Jake's fucking flipped his shit." My hand tightened around my bottle, my jaw clenched, my teeth aching from the strain. I shook my head, trying my best to not let him see how much hearing that fucker's name affected me.

"I really don't want to talk about Jake. I'm sure you understand," I said sarcastically. Why the motherfuck would I want to talk about him?

"I know, man, I know. But he's gone bat shit crazy over this new girl that just moved here." He leaned in closer to me. "It's worse than when he was with Leah. Just thought you might want to know," he said, his face serious, his brow raised deliberately trying to convey some underlying meaning that my hazy fucking mind wasn't grasping right now.

"Well _congratu-fucking-lations_ to Jake. Here's hoping the only dick he sees her riding is his own," I said, raising my beer to Jared's before downing it in one gulp. I looked around the bar trying to find Chrissy, or Candy, or whatever the fuck her name was. It was time to get the fuck out of here.

I made eye contact with her when she stood from her table and I cocked my head towards the door. She leaned over the table, her skirt riding up her thighs until the bottom of her ass peeked out. She giggled and smacked one of her friends before grabbing her purse and jacket and stumbling over to me.

"Hey baby," she giggled, the sweet smell of the fruity drink she'd had coating her breath.

"You ready to get out of here?" I asked, pulling her body to mine, my hand skimming up the curve of her back, and around her waist until my hand was palming her breast. She let out a sigh, her hands coming around my neck before pulling my mouth to hers. As I kissed her, our tongues rolling against one another, drunk and sloppy, a single thought ran through my head. _They are all the fucking same._

_July 28, 2010_

_Mom and Dad were gone when I got home this morning. It was probably for the best after what happened yesterday. My conversation with Jared was eating at me. My memories were foggy, but the conversation left me feeling bitter and pissed_. _Had Jake really found someone new, someone more important to him than Leah? Did I hear that shit right? How the fuck was that fair? What the fuck did he do to deserve a second chance? Nothing. He did nothing. He doesn't deserve a second chance._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Hiiii. Thanks to Meg for all her help with this chapter and for giving me back my paper bag to breath in while I wrote. Jules, thanks for prereading and putting up with my crazy freak outs all weekend. And thanks to Oh Werd, who will from this point on be referred to as Tara, for helping me figure out what this chapter was missing and adding it. Oh, and also for dubbing Edward's toast the "best fucking toast ever." Thanks for that sweets. And thank you guys for reading!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. ~Mohandas Gandhi<em>

**Chapter Three**

_August 2010_

"Anybody home?" I yelled, propping the front door open with my foot as I balanced a stack of boxes in my arms.

"Edward!" Rose yelled. I heard something hit the floor followed by rapid footsteps as Rose ran down the hallway to the front door. She reached up and grabbed a couple of boxes out of my hands, dropping them unceremoniously on the floor before grinning at me and tapping her foot.

"Well," she said with a raised brow, "you gonna drop 'em or am I gonna have to knock 'em out of your hands?" I looked at the boxes on the floor, it's a good fucking thing nothing in there was breakable. I tossed the rest of the boxes on the floor trying to figure out what the fuck was going on when Rose launched herself at me.

"The fuck," I grunted, stumbling back from the force of her weight. "Damn Rose, what the fuck have you been eating this summer?" I asked, grabbing her shoulders and pushing her arms length away.

"God, you're an asshole," she spat, punching my arm. "And I haven't gained any weight, smart ass. Maybe if you'd lifted something other a beer bottle this summer I wouldn't seem so heavy to you," she shot back, crossing her arms over her chest.

I groaned, running my hand over my face as I shifted away from her. "Don't fucking start okay?"

"Then don't be a dick," she retorted, her eyes narrowed. She reached up and pulled her ponytail over her shoulder, playing with the ends of her hair.

"But even if you are being a dick, the offer still stands to fuck her up," she added, reaching down and grabbing a couple of boxes before heading down the hall to the spare bedroom, not waiting on a response.

Fucking piss and vinegar, that's how Rose came across to every person she met. She and Emmett had been together since she was a junior in high school. Emmett almost drove me fucking crazy his freshman year since Rose was a year younger than him and still back in Forks.

I thought she was just a bitch to everyone, especially with her attitude towards Jake and Maggie. Now I had to wonder if she was just a better fucking judge of character than me. I reached down and snatched up the rest of the boxes on the floor and followed her down the hall to the spare room.

Rose had dropped the boxes on the bed and was grabbing a laundry basket when I came through the door. I walked over and added the boxes in my arms to those on the bed and looked around the room. I remember this place was a wreck the last time I'd seen it, Rose must have worked her ass off to clean all the shit out of here.

"You know where everything is," she said, stopping in the doorway to turn and look at me. "I know you've got a lot shit going on with you right now, but I really am glad that you're here. Let me know if you need anything," she added before moving into the hall and towards the room she shared with Emmett.

"Thanks," I mumbled, pulling open the boxes and dumping everything on the bed. I hated being back here. I hated knowing there was a chance I could run into Jake or Maggie or some other asshole who would bring up what happened last May, just to let me know he's got my back. Fake ass fuckers. I just wanted to get through this last year of school and get the hell out of here.

"Sup bro," Emmett called, leaning on the door frame. I jerked in surprise. Emmett was a noisy fucker, I had no idea how he'd managed to sneak up on me.

"Just putting the rest of my stuff away."

"Well when you're done, if you don't plan on being a broody asshole, lets play some Xbox."

I shook my head. Between him and Rose this was going to be a long fucking year.

By Friday I was drowning in charts, reports, and every other bullshit assignment my professors could throw at me that would ultimately have nothing to do with my fucking degree.

"Edward," someone yelled from behind me. I turned and saw Jared jogging over to the table I was sitting at outside. Things had been pretty quiet so far, which means I had managed not to run into Maggie or Jake.

"Hey man, what's up?" Jared asked, flinging his bag on top of the table.

"You see it," I said, motioning to all the papers and shit I had laid out.

"You wanna grab some lunch? I'm fucking starving."

"Yeah, just let me text Em and let him know so he can meet us."

I packed up and walked with Jared to a sandwich shop on the other side of campus. Emmett was already sitting at a table stuffing his face when we walked through the door. We got our food and sat down, talking about random bullshit. I turned my head towards the window, watching the people outside, just in time to see fucking Jacob Black jog past the window over to one of the tables out in the grassy area.

I dropped my sandwich, suddenly in no mood to eat. I watched as he reached up and tugged the end of some girl's ponytail, smiling. She knocked his hand away and looked back down at whatever she had on the table. I couldn't really tell much about her since her back was to me, but I was pretty sure she was the girl Jared had mentioned by the look on Jake's face.

"Fuck," Emmett whispered. I looked over at him, noticing that he was looking out the window as well. I leaned back in my chair, casually threading my fingers together behind my head.

"Who's the girl?" I asked Jared, nodding my head towards the window. He turned to look and started shaking his head when his eyes landed on Jake.

"That's the girl I was telling you about, the one he's all batshit crazy about."

"What girl?" Emmett cut in. "What the fuck are you two talking about?"

"It would seem that Jake's found a replacement for Leah," I answered, disgusted.

"No shit?" Emmett asked, his brows raised in surprise. He was around when that shit went down with Leah, so he knew the significance of what I was saying. I hummed in response, cutting my eyes back to where he and the girl sat.

"Her name's Bella," Jared threw in.

"I don't think I've ever seen her before. Freshman?" That would be something Jake would do, hook up with a freshman that was too fucking stupid to see what a tool he is.

"Nope. She's a senior. Transferred from Arizona or some shit. Her dad lives in Tacoma, I don't know the details, but I guess she came up here to be closer to him."

"When the fuck did you become a gossip girl?" I asked incredulously while Emmett laughed beside me.

"What? Fuck you man," he replied defensively. "What he did was fucked up E, I'm just letting you know what people have said about her, in case you might want to know or something..." he trailed off.

I furrowed my brows at him in confusion. "Why the fuck would I care about that shit?"

"I don't know man," Jared shrugged, "eye for an eye, you know, karma and all that shit."

I felt my face slacken as it dawned on me what he was implying.

"You think I should go after her."

"I do," he nodded in agreement.

"Wait. Hold up. What are you two fuckers talking about now?" Emmett asked, setting the rest of his sandwich down.

"I'm suggesting that Edward give Jake a taste of his own fucking medicine," Jared spat. I think he was as pissed at Jake about this whole thing as I was. Jared was a loyal friend and he just didn't tolerate shit like what Jake had done.

"Whoa dude," Emmett said, holding his hands up in front of him. "Don't you think that's a little fucked up? I mean, what about the girl?"

"What about her?" I cut in, my mind racing as a plan started to form. "I mean, I'm not going to make her do anything she doesn't want to. Fuck, if you think about it, I'll be doing him the same favor he did me." I smirked.

"Exactly," Jared added, reaching his fist out and bumping it with mine.

Emmett shook his head, staring out the window. "I don't know man, it seems kinda messed up."

"It _is_ fucking messed up," I said sharply. "It's all kinds of fucking messed up when your best friend fucks your girl. I know. Remember?" I asked, my jaw clenched as the anger that was always lingering below the surface started to boil.

"And what the fuck is with you anyway?" I asked. "When did you start acting like such a pussy?"

"Hey fucker, don't start shit with me," Emmett said lowly. "I just see disaster written all over this shit. And Rose? Man, Rose would fucking cut your dick off if she found out," he added, his eyes hard.

"Why the fuck would she care?" Jared asked. "Doesn't she hate Jake?"

"Yeah, she does. Maggie too. But she won't be okay with you fucking with some random girl to get back at Jake. Chicks before dicks or some shit," Emmett said with a wave of his hand.

"Well, then I suggest you don't say shit to her about it." I said, raising a brow at him.

"Fuck," Emmett said, running his hand down his face. "If this all blows up in your face, I didn't know shit," he said standing from the table. I nodded my head at him.

"Fair enough." I stuck my fist out, knocking it with his.

"I've got to get to class. See you fuckers later."

We said our goodbyes to Emmett before focusing our attention back on Jake and the girl, Bella. Her name was Bella. Not that it really fucking mattered.

"So, what else can you tell me about her?" I asked, leaning forward on the table.

"Like I said man, I don't know all the details, just that she's new and Jake's been hanging all over her since she showed up right after you left for the summer. Oh, and she works at that coffee shop, fuck uh, Parnassus, the one by the art building." he said, snapping his fingers.

I looked back out the window to where Jake had his arm propped on the bench behind her ass, leaning towards her and laughing as she shook her head back and forth. Who was this girl who had fucked up my once best friend so much that she had replaced Leah? Was she worth it? Would he hurt as much as I did when it all came crashing down on his head?

And it would. Of that I had no doubt. Because if I learned anything this summer it was that all girls are the same. They're not soft, or weak, or any other fucking misconception that men have of them. They are conniving and calculating and look out for no one but themselves.

Just as Jared and I stood up to leave, I caught sight of Jake jumping up from the table and holding out his hand to the girl, Bella. She stuck her hand up, grabbing his and letting him to pull her to her feet. He leaned in to kiss her but she turned her face, letting his lips hit her cheek. Huh. Interesting.

She grabbed her things off the table and moved towards the sidewalk, facing me for the first time. The sun was reflecting off the glass, making it difficult to see her face, but her hair had this dark red tint to the top and became a dark brown the further down it got. It was recognizable enough that if I saw her, I would know who she was.

I threw the rest of my food in the trash and left Jared to head back to my apartment. I had a lot to think about. How this would play out, what I expected to happen. But it would happen. I wouldn't have it any other way. First thing Monday morning, I'd make a stop at Parnassus for some coffee..

_August 6, 2010_

_So Jake really had found someone new. I saw her today. I wasn't impressed. But he wanted her, and that was enough for me. He would feel what I felt. She was just collateral damage. Tomorrow I would find her, and I would prove to him and everyone else that they are all the fucking same. And then I would watch as he crumbled like the fucking pussy he is._

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><p><strong>AN **

**Thanks to Meg, Tara, and Jules for being awesome as always. You guys keep me just left of certifiable. Thanks. I know this chapter was a little short, which is why I'm going to TRY and post an extra chapter this week! Whaaa? Yup. Extra chapter for the win. Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

Lets meet Bella shall we...

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><p><em>No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant. ~Friedrich Nietzsche<em>

**Chapter Four**

_August 2010 continued_

Monday morning I made sure to leave about thirty minutes early so I'd have time to swing by Parnassus before class. I hadn't really given much thought to what I planned to do once I got there, but the image of Jake's face when he'd see us together had me so fucking keyed up I couldn't sleep. I felt like a kid before Christmas, except for much more inappropriate reasons.

I walked across campus and through the door of the coffee shop, heading straight to the counter. I looked around, disappointed not to see anyone working who looked like the girl from yesterday.

"What can I get you?" the girl behind the register asked. She was smiling and flirty and any other time I might have fucked with her, but I was here for one reason only.

"Coffee. Black," I answered, pulling my wallet out and handing her some money. She hesitated for a second before taking my cash and getting my change.

"Is Bella working today?" It felt weird calling her by her name, l didn't like it. The girl scrunched up her face, obviously not happy that I was asking about another girl. But I couldn't be bothered with that shit. If she'd been the one Jake was all over then that'd be a different story, but she wasn't, so she didn't fucking matter.

"Who's asking?" Someone behind me asked, causing me to jump. Mother fuck. I turned my head to see no other than the fucking girl I was looking for. And she'd just busted me asking about her. Fuck. I took a deep breath, turning my attention back to the girl behind the counter who was holding out my order.

I grabbed my coffee and turned back around to face Bella, casually stepping to the side and smiling at her with the smile that always made girls want to jump my dick. She gave me a strange look, I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it sure as fuck wasn't the look I normally got.

She stepped to the front of the line, still staring at me with that same expression on her face as she placed her order without even acknowledging the girl behind the register.

"Coffee. Black." she said, sliding her money across the counter. We were locked in this weird fucking staring contest that was making me want to shift uncomfortably and there was no way that shit was happening.

She grabbed her coffee and stepped towards me, "You gonna answer my question or just stand there like you've got brain damage?" she asked, casually sipping her coffee. My eyes widened for a second. What the fuck was going on here? I needed to shut this shit down now.

"Edward."

"Well, Edward," she drawled, "what can I do for you?"

I'd planned on our first meeting going a lot fucking differently than this. She'd caught me off guard and threw me off my game. I reached up and rubbed the back of my neck trying to appear embarrassed and shy, hoping she would chill the fuck out with her smart ass mouth.

"I just uh, I've seen you around campus a couple of times, and someone mentioned your name was Bella and that you worked here." I kept my voice low so that I'd sound nervous and unsure, though I was anything but. She may have startled me in the beginning, but I had a plan.

"Okay," she said, her brows pulled down. "So are you just working on becoming a stalker or did have a reason for coming here this morning?"

Fuck, she was like a damn pit bull latching onto my throat and not letting go until she drew blood.

"No," I chuckled, "I just wanted to meet you," I said, stepping closer to her. I noticed her fingers flex, her back straighten, and her breath catch. So she wasn't as immune as she was pretending to be.

"And then what?" she asked, her voice even, but I'd caught her reaction. She was better at this game than most girls, but she wasn't better than me.

"And then I thought I'd see if you wanted to go out, maybe grab some dinner, drinks, or whatever." I leaned in a little closer, cocking my head to the side, a smirk on my lips as I shrugged.

"And what if I'm not interested?" she asked, her brow raised, a small smile tugging up one corner of her mouth. I widened my eyes at her, bringing my free hand to my chest, covering my heart.

"Ah, we just met and you're already breaking my heart," I said playfully, a grin on my face. If nothing else she was going to make this interesting. She rolled her eyes at me before flicking them towards the door.

"Right," she chuckled, "well Edward, it was nice to meet you. It's not every day a girl gets her very own stalker," she nodded her head at me before adding, "I'm sure I'll see you around." She waved to the girl behind the counter then turned on her heel and walked out the door. I stood there for a second before realizing that I'd just been dismissed. The fuck?

"Hey, wait up," I yelled, jogging through the door to catch up to her. I reached out, hooking my finger in the belt loop of her jeans and pulled her back towards me. Her upper body jolted forward, coffee spilling out through the hole in the lid. She turned to look at me, her eyes wide, her jaw slack, her expression incredulous.

"What the hell man?" She twisted her hip, jerking my arm before pulling herself away from my grasp.

"You never answered my question," I pointed out.

"You never asked one."

I opened my mouth to argue that she was full of shit, but then I realized that I actually hadn't asked her anything. This girl was quick, I'd give her that. I'd give her something else too, but we weren't to that part yet.

"Come out with me," I said, titling my chin up, a smirk on my lips. She stared at me for a second, her eyes narrowing slightly before her face smoothed.

"Thanks, but I'll pass." I stared at her, trying to figure out exactly what sort of angle she was working here. There was no way that she was just, not interested? No fucking way. She turned and started down the sidewalk again so I jogged ahead of her then spun around, walking backwards while I faced her.

"Are you seeing someone?" I asked, smiling when I noticed she was shaking her head at me. She didn't really think she was going to get rid of me that easily did she?

"If I said I was, would you go away?" I pretended to think about it for a second, reaching up and running my hand though my hair. I watched as her eyes followed my hand, her lips parting slightly. Gotcha.

"Prolly not," I chuckled. Definitely not.

She stopped in front of a trash can, tossing her cup inside and letting out a loud sigh. I could see in her eyes that she was giving in. This was going to be a lot easier than I thought, Jake sure did know how to pick em. He'd been dating this girl for months and I hit on her for five minutes and she's already considering stepping out on him. Fuck, maybe they would both get what they deserved.

I felt any admiration I had for her flicker and die. Just one more girl that pretended to be something she wasn't. I walked over to her, stepping so close that our bodies were nearly touching. If she was going to make it this easy there was no reason to take my time.

"So?" I whispered, hooking my finger through her front belt loop this time and pulling her until she stumbled forward, her chest lightly pressing against mine. I felt her shiver and looked down in time to see her fist clench. She looked up at me, blinking slowly, her tongue darting out and dragging across her bottom lip, the movement slow and intentional.

My muscles clenched involuntarily, my own breath catching as I watched her lip glisten and eyes darken, a slow smile pulling at her full lips. Fuck, how did I miss how fucking hot this girl was? I felt my jeans tighten, suddenly not giving a fuck who saw us. I wanted this girls legs over my fucking shoulders _now_.

"I think," she breathed, her palm coming to rest on my chest, "that you're going to have to work a little harder than you're used to if you plan on ever getting me to go out with you." She pressed her palm against my chest, causing me to stumble back, a playful grin on her face.

"What," I choked out, laughing.

"You heard me," she said, stepping around me, a smile still on her face.

"That's not a no," I yelled out, realizing I had to get the fuck to class. I'd spent way more time here than I'd expected. She paused and peeked at me over her shoulder before taking off again.

Just as she turned the corner she yelled back at me, "that's not a no." Fuck yeah. I grinned and smacked my hand against the brick wall. I knew she wouldn't disappointment me, she'd just take a little more time to expose. And time, I had plenty of.

_August 12, 2010_

_I ran into her again this morning. She was all fire and flirt and smart fucking mouthed just like before. She tried to play cool, but I saw the way she looked at me, how her eyes roved over my body. She flirted, she laughed, but she still played hard to get. _

_I saw her again this afternoon, only she was too busy wrapped up in Jake's arms to notice. It disgusted me to see how she could flirt with me the way she did and then go to him like nothing fucking happened. Maybe those two really were meant for one another._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Just a reminder this story is told from Edward's POV. All of the italics at the end of each chapter are Edward's journal entries. Thanks to Julie for helping me figure out where I wanted to end this chapter and to Meg and Tara for being lovely betas as always. And you guys, with all the reviews? I can't even. You rock.**


	6. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. ~Henry David Thoreau<em>

**Chapter Five**

_September 2010_

"What are you writing?" Rose asked, leaning over my shoulder. I slammed my journal shut and turned sideways in my chair, kicking my legs out straight and crossing my ankles.

"Now Rose, don't you know it's not polite to snoop?" I chided, shaking my head at her.

"Well, we both know I'm not polite, so it really doesn't matter now does it?"

Fuck this. I wasn't going to sit here and get into a sparring match with her.

"I'm out," I said, grabbing my books off the table.

"What's going on with you Edward?" She shifted, moving in front of me, blocking the door.

"Nothing is going on with me, Rose. I'm just busy," I sighed.

"Bullshit."

I laughed at her. "What do you want from me Rose? Huh? You want to sit down, talk about my feelings, braid each others' hair?" I reached up and tugged on the end of her ponytail, causing her to scowl and bat my hand away. "That's what I thought." I stepped around her and walked to my room, tossing everything on my desk.

I checked my watch for the tenth time. I was supposed to meet up with Jared later and I couldn't wait to get the hell out of this apartment. I knew Rose and Emmett meant well, but I felt better than I had in a while. Of course I also knew that had to do with Bella. _Bella, Bella, Bella_. She was a fucking piece of work.

It'd been a little over a month since I'd met her. She was good, I had to give her that. She almost seemed genuine sometimes. But I'd seen her around campus with Jake, talking and laughing, touching. She still hadn't agreed to go out with me yet, but when I'd stopped by on Monday for a cup of coffee she was there. And again on Thursday.

It was the same scene every week, I'd try to get her to agree to a date, and she'd play hard to get, but I knew it was all a game. I knew she wanted to say yes, because every Monday and Thursday she was there, just like the week before. Her smile a little wider, her mood a little lighter, and my opinion of her a little lower every time I remembered she had a boyfriend, who knew nothing about me.

I grabbed my keys and hat, slipping out the front door before Rose cornered me again and headed towards Jared's place. I'd avoided the frat house like the plague for obvious reasons, but fuck if I wasn't ready to go out.

We'd decided to hang out at his place for a while then hit a couple of bars near campus. I wasn't sure that was such a good idea considering I planned on getting fucking laid tonight, but I'd worry about the details later. I couldn't have anyone who'd seen me talking to Bella say something and fuck everything up.

"So, how's it going?" Jared asked as we popped the tops off a couple of beers. I knew what he was talking about, since he asked me the same question every time we hung out. I sighed, leaning against the back of his couch before taking a long pull off my beer.

"The same. She fucking infuriates the hell outta me man. I don't get it, she's obviously interested, but just keeps playing the game."

"Maybe she's just a tease," he laughed, downing the rest of his beer.

"Oh no doubt man, but it's time, no more bullshit." I chugged my beer and stood from the couch. "C'mon man, lets get the fuck here."

We ended up at a bar a little further from campus than we'd normally go, but I didn't want to chance having a bunch of people from school around. We'd been there for a couple of hours, the place slowing filling with people, the smell of cheap beer, cheap perfume, and cheap girls polluting the air. I'd just started talking up this girl when Jared reached over and bumped my shoulder.

"Dude, that chick over there is watching you like a hawk." I looked over in the direction he was pointing and fuck me, it was that damn girl from the coffee shop, the one who'd waited on me that first morning I'd come in asking about Bella.

"...out of here?" the girl in front of me asked. I had no idea what she was talking about, and it didn't make a damn bit of difference anymore.

"You need to go," I interrupted, turning and facing the bar, cutting her off.

"Excuse me?" she asked incredulously.

"Look, don't make this any more uncomfortable than it needs to be. I'm not interested."

"You're an asshole," she spat, then turned and stormed off. Good riddance, she wasn't that fucking hot anyway. Besides, before she left here tonight she'd be all up on some other dude's dick anyway.

"What did you do that for?" Jared asked, his eyes wide. "You interested in that other girl?" he asked, looking back over at the girl who was _still _staring at me.

"Fuck no, she works with Bella. I can't have her running her mouth about me fucking with some other girl." No fucking way. I had not spent the last month biting my tongue every time Bella leaned into me brushing against my chest, or every time she reached out her hand and touched my arm, or batted her lashes, or popped off that smart ass mouth of hers just to have it ruined by some girl who was just jealous.

"Well she's coming over here," he said into his glass, looking away. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. Time to put my fucking game face on.

"Hey," she smiled, resting her hand on the back of my chair.

"Sup," I nodded, glancing over at Jared who was covering his mouth with his hand. Fucker was trying not to laugh.

"So you're the guy that I've seen at the coffee shop with Bella, right?"

I chuckled, she knew damn well who I was. "In the flesh," I grinned, tipping my beer at her.

"I'm Jane."

"Edward." I said, waving to the bartender for another beer.

"So..." she trailed off, her eyes flickering between me and Jared. "Is she here with you tonight?"

"Nope."

"You gonna see her later?" she asked, biting her lip.

"What are we doing right now?" I asked, grinning. "You fishing for your friend?" She rolled her eyes and pulled a face.

"We're not exactly what you'd call friends," she deadpanned, taking a sip from her drink.

"No? You seem awfully interested to not be her friend."

"It's not her that interests me so much," she said, leaning in closer to me. I chuckled, this girl was either lying her ass off or a complete idiot if she thought I was going to fall for this shit.

"Now Jane," I tsked, "what kind of guy would I be, flirting with you when I am obviously interested in your non-friend?" I shook my head in mock disappointment. She narrowed her eyes at me, her lips smashed together.

"Well I hope you realize you're not the only guy I see her in there with," she spat. I felt my teeth snap together from the force of my jaw locking. No fucking shit. I knew I wasn't the only guy she was talking to. That was the whole mother fucking point, but she didn't know that shit, simple bitch that she was. I took a deep breath, trying to remain calm, I couldn't let on that I knew shit about anything. Just a nice guy interested in a nice girl. No hidden agenda. What a bunch of bullshit.

"We're not dating," I said with an easy smile as I shrugged. "Although I hope she'll give me a chance, I really like her." I ducked my head, pretending to be embarrassed as I brought one hand to the back of my neck, rubbing it up and down a few times. I peeked up, noticing her mouth had popped open, her eyes wide with surprise.

"Wow," she breathed, pulling her hand off the back of my chair. "You're serious aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am. I just hope she'll give me the chance to prove that to her," I said solemnly. I knew better than to look at Jared, the entire bottom of my chair was already shaking where his foot rested as he tried to hold his laughter in. If he messed this up for me, he was going to regret it.

"Well," she sighed, "She's a fool if she doesn't. You know where to find me if you change your mind," she added before turning and heading back over to the other side of the bar. As soon as she'd turned away I swiveled in my chair and punched Jared in the arm.

"Ow, what the fuck man?" he yelled, rubbing his arm.

"Don't 'what the fuck' me, dude. Reel that shit in, she sees you laughing she's gonna know I'm full of shit, then everything is fucked," I spat.

"Aw man, I'm sorry, but damn, how the hell did you do that shit with a straight face? I think you need to switch your major to acting," he chuckled, shaking his head at me. I couldn't help but laugh with him. That really couldn't have played out any better if I had planned it.

"Let's get outta here. I obviously can't hook up with anyone here." I sighed, downing the rest of my beer. Jared slid the stool back and jumped to his feet.

"I'm hungry. Lets grab some food then hit that bar on the other side of town." I nodded my head, that sounded like a plan to me. We cashed out and headed towards the door. I looked around the bar one last time and caught Jane watching me. I smiled shyly and nodded my head with a small wave. She grinned back and waved before leaning over to her friends and whispering. Yeah, she noticed me leaving here by myself. Report that shit back.

We stopped by a diner that was open twenty-four hours before heading to a bar on the other side of town. It wasn't very often that you'd run into people from school at this place, especially with the people that we hung with, but I still made a point to check out everyone around me just in case.

We'd only been there for about half an hour when two girls came over to where we were leaning against the bar. They were giggling and flirty and half naked. Exactly what we were looking for.

"You here by yourself?" one of the girls asked, stepping closer to me. I smiled at her, relaxed and easy as I brought my beer to my mouth and took a small sip, giving myself a chance to look her over before I answered.

"You go to UDub?" I asked instead.

"No," she answered slowly, her brows pulled down in confusion. I tipped my beer towards her friend.

"What about her?"

"Nope," she answered, smiling.

"Then no," I grinned, snaking my arm around her waist and pulling her body flush with mine, "not anymore." She giggled, bringing her arms around my neck and lacing her fingers together.

"Y'all wanna do some shots?" Jared asked, his hand resting on girl number two's ass.

"Fuck yeah," I answered.

"My name's Angela," she whispered, her breath fanning across my neck and making my dick hard.

"Well Angela, let's do some shots," I laughed, patting her on her ass.

We stood around talking shit and cutting up for about an hour. We'd managed to down four shots each and were all completely fucking tanked.

"Dude," Jared slurred, a sloppy grin on his face, an equally sloppy girl on his arm.

"Yup," I grinned, it was definitely time to go. "Let's get out of here Bella," I whispered, palming her ass.

"Who?" she asked, pulling away from me. I looked at her in confusion. What the fuck was she talking about? "You called me Bella. Who's Bella?" she asked, sounding pissed. Holy fucking shit. I just called this girl Bella. Goddamn it. I licked my lips and chuckled, bringing my hand up and pushing her hair back over her shoulder.

"I'm talking to you silly girl. Don't you know that Bella means beautiful in Italian?" I asked running my hand down her back to her waist and pulling her body flush against mine. "Are you saying you're not beautiful?" I whispered into her neck, pressing my lips to her skin and sucking lightly. She let out a small moan and gripped my forearms tightly. Check fucking mate.

"Let's get out of here, yeah?" I asked.

"Umkay."

I nodded to Jared and strolled out the door just like I'd planned, with a girl on my arm. And after I'd fucked her against the wall, on the counter, and in her bed I slipped out into the night, realizing that I never even told her my fucking name.

The next morning I was greeted to the sound of Emmett's big ass mouth yelling something about a bullshit offsides penalty. Christ, did he always have to be so goddamn loud? I groaned and rolled out of the bed. I smelled like cheap tequila and cheap sex. I needed a hot shower, _now_.

"You look like a homeless person and smell like a fucking prostitute," Rose sighed, sidestepping me in the hallway. "Thanks for not bringing 'em here," she added nonchalantly, disappearing into the living room.

After I showered and brushed my teeth until the bristles bent, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and stumbled into the living room, falling onto the couch.

"Dude, you look like shit," Emmett said.

"No fucking shit." I shot back dryly, bringing my forearm over my eyes and letting one leg fall off the couch, my bare foot resting on the floor.

"You wanna hang out here today, watch some football?"

"Sounds good to me." I sighed, peeking out from under my arm to see who was playing.

That's how I spent the rest of the day, sprawled out on the couch popping aspirin, chugging water and watching football. By six that night I was convinced that I'd either drank the nastiest tequila known to man kind, or I'd been poisoned. Either one was obviously possible.

"God," I groaned, sitting up on the couch, propping my elbows on my knees so I could rest my head in my hands.

"You need grease man," Emmett said, leaning away from me like he could catch my hangover. I nodded my head in agreement though, because that's exactly what I needed.

"Why don't you run over to Delfino's and pick up a couple of pizzas?" Rose asked, sitting on the arm of Emmett's chair. I looked up at her through my fingers, my face screwed up at the thought of having to actually fucking move.

"There's not a chance in hell of either of you going is there?" I asked, already knowing the answer to that damn question.

"Not a one," Rose singsonged like the smart ass she is. I knew better than to even look at Emmett, asking him to leave the house while a football game was on was like asking him to cut his dick off. Not gonna happen.

"Fine," I sighed rising to my feet. "You wanna call in an order and I'll go pick it up?" Rose nodded her head at me and grabbed her phone as I walked to my bedroom to throw on some shoes and grab my wallet. Fucking tequila.

By the time I made it to the pizza place I had a sheen of sweat across my brow, I was dizzy, and felt like I was going to puke all over the floor, shit, maybe I really had been poisoned.

I'd been waiting in line for a couple of minutes when I felt a hand press against my shoulder, fingers flex as they curled over the top and tugged to pull me around.

I glanced over my shoulder, ready to tell whoever was touching me to fuck off only to be met with Bella's concerned face, staring at me intently. Son of a bitch, this could not be happening right now. There was no way I could keep up with her smart mouth tonight, I could barely remember to blink.

"You don't look so good there, stalker," she commented, a small smile on her face.

"How very astute of you." I responded dryly.

"Ouch, touchy," she winced, pulling her hand from my shoulder. Fuck. I had to dial my annoyance down or she was going to walk right the hell out of here.

"Sorry," I sighed, turning to face her fully.

"Are you sick?" Well sick sounded a lot better than hungover, and maybe I could play it up a little, get her to feel sorry for me.

"Yeah," I murmured, running my hand across my stomach for emphasis. "You wanna grab a table and wait for the line to die down?" I asked, but started walking over to the table before she answered, I knew she'd follow. She plopped down in the chair across from me and gave me an appraising look.

"You sure you're not just hungover?" she asked, her brow arched. Shit. I wonder if her coworker had mentioned seeing me out last night, and if that was a good or bad thing.

"Nah, I went out for a while with a buddy of mine, but I was already feeling kinda shitty so I called it a night early." She nodded her head but kept her eyes down, watching her fingers as she slowly shredded a napkin on the table.

"Yeah I heard you were out last night," she said nonchalantly. I tried to fight back the grin that pulled at the side of mouth, but the way she narrowed her eyes let me know I was unsuccessful.

"Who's the stalker now?" I smirked, no longer bothering to try and hide my smile. She balled up her napkin and threw it at me, a scowl on her face.

"Shut up. And I can't help that your little performance last night had Jane gossiping to everyone about you at work this morning." she said sarcastically. Jesus fucking Christ, will this girl ever stop being so damn defensive? Not that she shouldn't be, but still, it wasn't very conducive to my plan. I raised my brow and leaned forward, resting my forearms on the table and clasping my hands together.

"And why exactly do you believe what I said last night was a performance?" She rolled her eyes at me. What was I going to have to do to get this girl to agree to go out with me? She was so fucking stubborn.

"Really, Edward," she deadpanned. Okay, it was do or die time, she was either gonna agree to go out with me or she wasn't, but something had to give. I leaned back in my chair and scrubbed my hand up and down my face before letting it fall limply in my lap.

"What do you want me to say Bella? That I'm sitting at home every night pining away for you? Doodling your name and drawing little hearts around it?" I asked exasperated, really hoping this shit wasn't about to blow up in my face.

"I like you, I think I've been pretty clear about that. But you won't even give me a chance to buy you a cup of coffee. So yeah, I might have played it up a little bit for Jane to get your attention, because honestly I'm starting to feel like you're not really interested in going out with me. Maybe you just like stringing me along." I accused looking down at my lap and tugging on the hem of my shirt. There was no fucking way I could look at her right now, even I was shocked at the bullshit that had just flown out of my mouth. I heard her sigh heavily before tapping her nails against the table.

"Hey, look, I'm not trying to string you along okay, I just.." she trailed off. I waited a second for her to start speaking again but when she didn't I raised my head to look at her. She was studying me, her eyes intense as they bore into mine.

"Don't make me regret this," she said lowly. A slow smile crept across my face as I realized what she was saying.

"Yeah?" I asked, leaning forward and grinning wider when she rolled her eyes but nodded her head at me, a small smile on her face.

"About fucking time." I laughed, causing her to reach across the table and smack my arm.

"Hey don't make me take it back," she warned, pointing her finger at me. My hand shot out, grabbing her finger, pulling her hand down on the table, trapping it underneath mine.

"Nuh uh," I said, brushing my thumb across her knuckles. "Too late, you're never gonna be able to get rid of me now."

She shook her head and laughed. "Because I've been so successful at getting rid of you so far," she drawled playfully, leaning over the table.

"Now, Bella," I whispered, moving closer, our foreheads nearly touching, "we both know you don't _really_ want to get rid of me."

She smiled, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth before releasing it slowly and whispering, "You have got to be the most cocky, arrogant mother fucker I have ever met."

"And yet, here you sit," I pointed out.

She hummed in response. "And here I sit," she echoed shaking her head. We stared at each other for a minute and I swear it felt like even our stares were challenging one another. Everything with this girl was a battle of wills.

"Cullen!" someone shouted from behind the counter causing us both to jump. I chuckled and pulled my hands away that I didn't even realize were still holding onto hers.

"So, do you wanna come back with me, maybe watch some football, have some pizza?" I asked, pushing my chair back and standing.

"I thought you were sick."

"I'm feeling much better now. Maybe I just need to keep you around, I'm sure you taste better than any medicine I could take." I grinned, and maybe leered a little.

I can't," she sighed, standing. "I have some friends waiting on me as well. I'm sure they'd be pissed if I didn't show up with their ham and banana pepper pizza."

She shifted her weight and glanced over her shoulder towards the counter where the guy who yelled my name was looking around the store. When his eyes landed on me I nodded my head and let him know that I'd be right there. I was thankful for the distraction so Bella didn't catch when my hands balled into fists and my teeth snapped together. I guess I shouldn't really be surprised that she was here to pick up Jake's favorite pizza. It shouldn't piss me off that she just agreed to go out on a date with me while picking up food for her boyfriend, but it did. Somewhere in the last few minutes I'd forgotten why I was doing this, and that was _un-fucking-acceptable_. I smoothed my face and cleared my throat.

"So when do I get to take you out?" I asked with a smile as my stomach burned with resentment.

"How about we figure it out over coffee on Monday?" she asked with a grin.

"Sounds like a plan. I'll see you then okay?" I smiled. She smiled. We were both fucking liars.

_September 20, 2010_

_We met for coffee this morning, same as always, but different. I was on edge, annoyed, and I couldn't figure out why. Things were finally going the way I wanted them to, but maybe that's what pissed me off. Maybe I wanted her to keep blowing me off, to actually be different, but she wasn't. We made plans for the weekend, somewhere off campus, her idea, no fucking surprise there. But I'll take her out, and smile, and be fake, just like her. It's all about the end game anyway. Always the end game._

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><p><strong>AN **

**This little story 'o mine has been well and thoroughly pimped by some awesome chicks this weekend. And I would be all kinds of lame if I didn't say thank you, thank you, thank you to 107yearoldvirgin, Paws Peaches, Rosa Arcadia, and Jada Pattinson and e'rey body else on twitter and TLS that gave this story a nod. Y'all seriously..thank you. And to all the new people who read and reviewed..holla! **

**Meg and Tara make this pretty for me every week, and Julie, Kelly, and Virgie pre read to keep me from flouncing myself. I lubs yous guys.**

**BTW- Practice to Deceive is up for Fic of the Week at The Lemonade Stand! Go vote, poor Edward needs some love! **


	7. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge. <em>_~Daniel J. Boorstin_

**Chapter Six**

_September 2010_

I stood in front of my closet, a towel around my waist, another thrown over my shoulder that I used to absently dry my hair. I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to be doing right now, but I felt like I'd lost my balls standing here debating what the hell I should wear.

"Dude, what are you doing?" Emmett asked, leaning on the doorjamb. I flung the shirt I was holding on the bed and scrubbed my face in frustration. This had to be one of the most bizarre fucking situations I'd ever found myself in, and as of late, that was saying something.

"I have a date," I answered shortly.

"And I don't have anything to wear," Rose mocked in a high pitched voice as she strolled into my room and threw herself across my bed. I narrowed my eyes at her, I was in no mood for this shit today. Emmett let out a guffaw so loud I winced, momentarily forgetting the she-devil sprawled out across my bed.

"Don't you assholes have anything better to do?" I asked, walking over to my dresser and pulling out a pair of boxers. I eyed them both thinking they'd take the hint to get the fuck out, but they both just stared at me impassively. So I did what anyone else in my situation would do, I dropped the fucking towel.

"Edward!" Rose squeaked, covering her face with her hands.

"What the hell, bro," Emmett yelled at the same time.

I smirked at them, taking my sweet time stepping through my boxers and pulling them on. "Hey, I tried to warn you, it's your own damn fault you didn't take the hint and get out."

"Ugh," Rose groaned, rolling to her side. "Jesus, how many of these things do you have?" she asked, pulling my journal out from under her. I stepped to the bed and yanked it out of her hand, giving her a scathing look.

"Privacy. Respect it," I spat, throwing it on top of my desk.

Emmett walked over to the desk and sat down, propping his arm up. What the hell was this, Circle Time?

"Why are you here?" I asked impatiently. I needed to figure out what the hell I was going to wear and do a sweep under the bed to see if I could find my fucking balls. Emmett ignored me and turned his attention to Rose who had made a damn pallet out of pillows on my bed. Jesus.

"He's always had these, since he was, seven maybe," Emmett mused, moving my journal to the back of the desk. I pulled a pair of jeans out of the dresser and tugged them on. I guess I was getting dressed with a fucking audience.

"Hey Em, why don't you explain to Rose why I started keeping a journal in the first place," I goaded. His face paled as he swallowed thickly. Yeah, he was about to look like an asshole.

"Shit," he swore, his eyes darting over to Rose who was staring at him expectantly. I crossed my arms over my chest, aware that I still hadn't decided what the fuck to wear, but couldn't bring myself to miss watching Em squirm.

"Uh," he started, clearing his throat. "Well, you know our grandmother had Alzheimer's right?" he asked, looking at Rose. She furrowed her brow and nodded. "Well, when our parents explained what that meant to us, I decided to play a trick on Edward," he said, nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

"Play a trick how?" Rose asked, sitting up on my bed. I smirked, Rose was totally gonna punch his ass.

"It was stupid," he huffed, covering his junk. "Edward had this really cool Batmobile car that I wanted, so I told him it was mine when he caught me playing with it. When he argued and said it was his, I told him that he caught Alzheimer's from grams and that he just didn't remember giving it to me," he mumbled, wincing when Rose smacked him in the back of the head.

"Emmett, that's terrible," Rose yelled, shaking her head.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," he admitted, "but ever since then he's written down everything about his day in one of those fucking notebooks."

"It just became habit," I cut in, not wanting to sound like a pussy for still doing that shit. Rose rolled her eyes and walked to the door.

"You two are ridiculous," she sighed before turning and moving down the hall.

I turned back towards the closet again, chuckling as Em flipped me off.

"So you're really going through with it?" Emmett asked after a beat of silence.

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I?" I grabbed a black t-shirt and a long sleeved grey button down. This would just have to fucking do. I looked over at Emmett who was just shaking his head.

"Never mind," he sighed. "So where are you taking her?" I scowled as I sat on the bed and pulled on my socks.

"I have no fucking clue where we're going or what we're doing."

Emmett's brows rose in surprise. "Come again?" he asked, confused.

"So we met for coffee on Monday before class, just like we've been doing," I grumbled, already getting annoyed just thinking about it. "I asked for her number and where I could pick her up, thinking that maybe I'd find out a little more about her since she was always so fucking guarded, and do you know what she fucking said to me Em?" I ranted. "She said, 'I have some conditions for this date,'" I mocked, standing from the bed and pacing the length of my room.

"Conditions?"

"Yes," I spat, "she said we were meeting at the coffee shop, and that she got to plan the date. I mean, what the fuck kind of shit is that?" I barked. "I'll tell you what kind of shit that is," I continued darkly, "it's what a smart fucking girl who doesn't want to get caught by her boyfriend does."

I shook my head in disgust. I might sound like an asshole, but I felt no fucking remorse for what I was doing. She made me wonder if Maggie had been this sneaky, conniving. Because if Maggie covered her tracks half as well as Bella did, then the shit she could have done behind my back made me want to fucking vomit.

"Damn," Emmett said quietly.

"I know, she's-"

"Got your number," he laughed, cutting me off.

"What?" I yelled, spinning around to face him. Not that he heard me since he was doubled over with his arms clutching his stomach.

"Dude," he choked, "this girl sounds like a handful. I can't wait to meet her." I snapped my jaw shut, my stance rigid as my hands balled into fists.

"Why the fuck would you want to meet a girl who is cheating on her boyfriend, a girl just like Maggie?" I sneered. I watched as Emmett's expression sobered, his face becoming serious.

"I'm sorry man," he mumbled quietly. "I hope when this is all said and done you'll have found whatever it is that you're looking for." He stood from the chair and smacked me on my shoulder before leaving the room.

I sighed and looked at my watch, cursing when I realized it was already after six and I was going to be late if I didn't leave right now. I grabbed my keys and took off towards the coffee shop, my conversation with Em playing on a loop in my head. I didn't need to be in this frame of mind by the time I got to Bella. I was certain it would be hard to look at her with anything other than disgust, and that wouldn't be very helpful.

I spotted her sitting at one of the tables out front of the shop wearing jeans and a casual sweater. She had her phone out, and looked to be sending a text of something the way her fingers were flying across the screen. I took a deep breath and pushed all the bullshit out of my mind, instead focusing on her and how hot she looked. Cause that shit was undeniable, she was smoking, and I really couldn't wait to get her naked. She looked up and smiled before sliding her phone in her back pocket and standing.

"Ah, you decided to show after all," she joked, walking over to me.

"Of course I did. What, did you think just because you emasculated me by planning our first date that I'd turn into a pussy and stay home eating ice cream and watching chick flicks?" I guessed. She wrinkled her nose at me and shook her head.

"Stop," she sighed, "I might pass out swooning from the sweet things you say to me," she snarked, bringing the back of her hand to her forehead, swaying. Smart ass.

"Pfft, don't act like you don't love that shit. Plus," I whispered, curling my finger in her belt loop and pulling her closer, "sweet _words_ are nothing compared to the sweet _things_ I could do to you with my mouth."

"You sir," she said shakily, reaching down and pulling my finger from her belt loop, "are no gentleman at all."

I chuckled, "I never claimed to be."

She smoothed her hair back from her face and cleared her throat, a smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth. "So are you ready to go?"

"Are you going to tell me where exactly we're going yet?" I grumbled in exasperation.

"Oh hush you big baby, let's get going," she chided, tugging on the sleeve of my shirt.

"So I take it you're gonna drive too?"

She grinned and tugged on my sleeve again before turning and walking towards the parking lot. I sighed in frustration, before jogging up behind her, well aware of how fuck hot she looked in the jeans she was wearing.

"Will you at least pretend like this is a date and let me open a door for you or something? Christ," I mumbled, reaching for the door handle of what I assumed was her car. She stopped abruptly, pulling her hand away from the car door and making a sweeping gesture with her hand.

"Thanks," I quipped sarcastically, opening the door for her. I jogged around the car and climbed into the passenger seat, noting that her car was kinda fucking messy. I opened my mouth to comment at the same time that her hand shot out in front of my face.

"My car is a mess, your commentary is not necessary," she cut in before I could even say anything. Well that was fucking rude.

Once we pulled out of the parking lot we talked about classes and other school related topics, but whenever I'd try and ask about anything personal she would change the subject. It was starting to piss me off how guarded she was around me. As far as she knew I had no ulterior motives, so unless she planned on this being a one-time thing, I didn't get it.

I hadn't told her much about myself either, and if I wanted her to open up I knew I'd have to give her something too. I'd have to pretend like everything was exactly how it looked, this was a real date, and I was really interested in her.

"So my brother Emmett wants to meet you," I said casually before immediately wanting to punch myself in the face. Why the fuck did I just say that to her? I cut my eyes in her direction and noticed her eyebrows had nearly risen to her hairline.

"Does he now?" she asked, a lazy grin on her face. Well I'd already opened my big ass mouth, I might as well roll with it now.

"Yeah, he said so earlier."

"So you've been talking about me to your brother?" she teased, but I noticed how she tilted her head forward a little, causing her hair to fall over the side of her face. Was she...was she embarrassed? I reached over and pushed her hair back over her shoulder but didn't notice any color change on her face, her expression schooled.

"Yeah, of course I have," I retorted, realizing this was the perfect opening for me to find out a little more about her. "Are you saying that you haven't talked to anyone about me?" I questioned, my voice soft, my eyes shifting to the window. I knew I was playing it up a bit and there was a huge possibility that she was going to call my ass out for it, but it was worth a shot. She was quiet for a second before she spoke, her hesitance obvious.

"I've only met a few people on campus," she started, blowing out a breath. She was quiet again and I thought maybe that was all she was going to say before she spoke again. "My cousin's girlfriend," she offered, causing me to look at her in confusion.

"My cousin Jasper lives near my dad with his girlfriend Alice. They're a couple of years older than me, but Alice and I have always been close. Anyway, I might have mentioned you to her once or twice," she admitted flippantly, shrugging.

"I knew you were hot for me," I joked, blocking her hand when she tried to smack my arm.

"God, why did I agree to go out with you?" she snipped.

"Because you want my body," I pointed out, not expecting the pinch she snuck in on my outer thigh.

"Shit," I hissed, jerking my leg away. "You're violent," I accused, rubbing my leg.

"And you're full of yourself," she retorted, rolling her eyes. I opened my mouth to let her know she was more than welcome to be full of me too, when she brought the car to a stop and announced we were here. I looked at the building in front of me and felt my jaw slacken. Was she fucking serious right now?

She jumped out of the car, slamming her door shut before spinning to face me, her arms crossed over her chest. I slowly opened my door, waiting for her to tell me she was kidding, that this was some sort of joke.

"Laser tag, Bella? Really? Aren't we a little old for this?" I asked in disbelief. I was expecting dinner, maybe a movie, somewhere we could be alone. But of all the places I thought we might end up, this was definitely not one of them.

"Yes, Edward, laser tag. Now quit stalling and come on," she insisted, reaching over and yanking on my belt loop, but my feet were planted so all she did was propel herself into me. I reached out and wrapped my arms around her waist, holding her to me.

"If you wanted to rub against me all you had to do was say so," I grinned. She clucked her tongue and tried to wiggle out of my grasp. I let her go immediately, because there was no way I could have her moving like that against me and be held responsible for my actions.

I followed her inside and listened half-heartedly as the rules and whatnot were explained to us. I was pretty sure the rules were still the same as the last time I'd played, when I was fifteen.

We moved over to the locker room area to pick up all our gear and drop off her bag in one of the lockers. I'd decided to lose my button down, figuring it'd be best to just have my t shirt on. I cut my eyes over to Bella and noticed that she was staring at me, or more specifically, at where my shirt had rode up, my boxers visible.

I cleared my throat and chuckled when she jumped and quickly turned her head and walked over to the lockers like I hadn't just caught her checking me out. I came up behind her, my arms caging her in as I pressed my hands flat against the lockers she was facing.

"You don't have to look away. As a matter of fact I strongly encourage you to look," I moved her hair from her shoulder my nose skimming the shell of her ear."Touching is also encouraged," I added. She slowly turned to face me, her nose grazing mine, her breath warm as it fanned across my face through her parted lips, a subtle hint of mint lingering.

I felt my dick begin to swell, my chest tightening as my pulse quickened. At the moment I wanted nothing more than to slide my hands down her delectable ass to her thighs, hoist her up against the wall and push into her roughly as she wrapped those long fucking legs around my waist. My dick twitched in agreement.

"Maybe I picked the wrong activity for our date," she mused, her voice low, rough as she brought her hands up to my shoulders then flattened them against my chest. I nodded my head, thinking we were about to get the fuck out of here right now.

"Yeah?" I smiled. She nodded her head but then narrowed her eyes, and I knew we were in fact _not_ on the same fucking page.

"Yup," she sang, "I should have went with paint ball, then I could have gotten blue paint balls to match the ones you're going to have the rest of the night."

This fucking girl was going to kill me. There was no fucking way I'd survive this shit for very long. I dropped my head to her shoulder and groaned.

"You're a tease," I muttered, pulling away from her slightly.

"Me?" she repeated. "Oh no, you did this all to yourself, buddy." She pushed weakly against my chest, it was then that I realized her hands were shaking slightly. When she noticed me looking at them she pulled away quickly and ducked under my arm, spinning away from me.

"C'mon, it'll be fun," she assured me. "I'm really looking forward to nailing your ass," she added with a smirk.

"I think you and I have very different ideas of what nailing each other entails," I informed her with a shake of my head.

"Do you ever give it a rest?" she moaned, throwing her hands in the air. I shook my head, licking my lips as I pulled my vest on and grabbed my gun.

"I have unbelievable stamina," I drawled.

"Fuck," she whined before storming out towards the main area. I chuckled and followed behind her, noting the stiffness in her posture, her jerky movements. At least I wasn't the only one uncomfortable, I mused, reaching down and adjusting myself. This was going to be a long fucking night.

An hour and a half later I sat with my back against one of the dividers, sweat beaded across my forehead as I gasped for breath. If I'd learned anything tonight, it was that Bella was a fucking hustler. She wasn't as fast as me, but her aim was spot on and if she managed to catch me off guard I was as good as hit. I was more and more thankful that she'd decided against paint ball.

What was her deal? I just didn't know what to make of her. What kind of girl not only plans a first date, but chooses something that most girls would bitch and moan about? And to top it off she's got amazing fucking aim?

"Look out, dude!" a kid exclaimed, diving beside me. I scooted over as he adjusted his goggles and spoke into his radio using the code names he and his friends had come up with. Was that what this was? She picked a place where the chances of running into anyone from school were slim to none? And if someone she knew did show up, between the dark room, the goggles, and the code names they'd have no idea who she was.

But she was really fucking good at this, and she seemed to be having a really good time from the way she laughed and jeered at me over the radio. I growled in frustration, ripping off my mask and rubbing my hand roughly across my forehead. I fucking hated feeling confused. Everything was supposed to be cut and dry, and the fact that she had me questioning myself on the first date pissed me the fuck off. A loud beep sounded in my ear, causing me to jump. I looked down and noticed the light on my vest was flashing.

"Like a lamb to the slaughter," she sighed, coming over and sliding down beside me, pulling off her own mask. Her cheeks were flushed, her breathing labored as she stared at me, her brows furrowing.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked softly. I gritted my teeth together, my stomach a bundle of knots, my anger at her, Jake, Maggie, _myself_ making my vision blur and my mind cloudy.

"Yeah," I lied, "but I think I've had enough of getting my ass kicked by you today." I tried to joke, unwilling to acknowledge how many levels that comment applied to.

"Wow," she laughed. "I think we'll need to work on your stamina after all." She jumped to her feet giggling as my brain finally caught up with what she'd said.

"Hey," I barked out, laughing as I wrapped my hand around her ankle and pulled her back towards me. I reached out with my other hand, wrapping it around the front of her thigh as I came up on my knees, giving myself the leverage to pull her back down with me. She let out a squeak as she landed sideways in my lap.

"Nuh-uh," I tsked, "you can't say things like that and expect to just walk away." I felt like a damn woman the way she made my mood jump from angry and hateful to turned on and playful at the drop of a fucking hat.

"And how can I help improve your stamina?" she asked, her hand snaking around to the back of my neck, her nails lightly combing through my hair.

"Are you volunteering for the job?" I questioned, my eyes sliding shut. She hummed in thought.

"Not today," she quipped.

"That's not a no," I declared.

"It most certainly isn't," she agreed with a smile. Fuck. She slid her fingers through my hair and my arm tightened around her back as I dug my fingers of my other hand into her thigh. My breath escaped in a huff as my eyes darted from hers to her lips. She leaned into me, her chin tilting up as we gravitated towards one another.

"You guys can't do that in here," a voice called from above us. Bella jumped out of my lap like her ass was on fire while I just let my head fall back with a thud against the divider. I wondered if permanent damage was possible from extended periods of being hard without medication.

I rose to my feet, wincing as my jeans rubbed against me before I could adjust myself. I glanced up as Bella watched unabashedly as I adjusted myself, one of her brows raised.

"Unless you want to get us arrested I suggest you stop looking at me like that," I warned, causing her to laugh and the guy behind her to shift uncomfortably.

We walked to the locker room and grabbed our shit, our eyes meeting every couple of minutes, a heavy tension blanketing the air. But something had shifted, she seemed purposefully controlled all of the sudden, back to being guarded, back to frustrating the shit out of me again.

She offered to drop me off at my apartment since it had gotten late, which was fine with me. I figured at this point it didn't really matter if she knew where I lived since I'd practically offered to introduce her to my brother.

"So do I get to actually be the guy next time and plan our date?" I asked once she'd pulled up in front of my apartment.

"What makes you think there's going to be a second date?" she sassed with that smart ass mouth of hers. I rolled my eyes at her attempt to play hard to get.

"You offered to help me with my stamina, I think it's pretty fucking safe to say there will be a second date," I chided.

"Yeah," she drawled, her nose wrinkling, "it's not looking so good for you right now." I smirked and reached my hand out to where hers rested on the center console, hooking my pinkie with hers and tugging her hand closer to me.

"C'mere," I whispered, leaning closer to her. She shifted slightly, her pinkie tightening around mine. "What can I do to convince you to go out with me again?" I asked, moving forward until my lips brushed against hers as I spoke. Her eyes fluttered closed as she breathed unsteadily.

"You-" she started as her phone began to vibrate. She jerked away and fumbled in her bag, snatching it out, her fingers scrolling over the screen. "Shit," she muttered, her eyes wide. "I've got to go," she said quickly, her face apologetic.

"Are you okay?" I asked impulsively, berating myself immediately because I knew she wasn't going to answer my question.

"Yeah," she nodded, "I had a lot fun tonight, I just really need to get home." I'd said it before and I'd say it again, being dismissed by this girl really fucking annoyed me.

"Fine," I replied, reaching for the handle only to have her grab my arm, stopping me.

"Hey, if you plan some cliche shit I can't promise not to go to the bathroom and not come back," she warned with a smile. I shook my head and chuckled.

"Deal."

"I'll see you Monday?" she asked.

"Yup, Monday," I agreed.

She pulled away from the curb, her tail lights disappearing around the corner. I sighed and ran my hand down my face as I turned and climbed the stairs to our apartment. Even though we hadn't even been out very long I was just fucking drained. This was supposed to be simple, uncomplicated. But I had a feeling Emmett was right, Bella was going to be a fucking handful.

The next night I was lounging around my room, catching up on homework that I'd been putting off when my phone rang. I reached over and answered when I saw Jared's name flash across the screen.

"What's up man?" I sighed, falling across my bed.

"I'm going out, come on, get dressed, we're meeting a couple of girls I met last night."

I hesitated, reluctant to risk getting seen by Bella or someone that may know her. "I think I'm going to pass man, I don't want to risk getting caught," I admitted.

"Ah, so Operation Bang Bella is still a go then?" he joked.

"Dude, this isn't about her," I snapped. "This is about Jake, its always been about Jake. He deserves everything that's coming to him."

"But fucking his hot girlfriend isn't a bad perk," he pointed out.

"I look at it like this, at least this way, we're all getting fucked," I said flatly.

"I saw them at the frat house a little while ago," he remarked casually. "They were leaving when I got there."

"Figures," I said tonelessly, "date with me one night, date with her boyfriend the next."

"Yeah," he responded quietly.

"I gotta go," I cut in, "I'll call you later." I snapped my phone closed and tossed it on the night stand. I wasn't going to get pissed, I wasn't going to be annoyed, I just needed to focus on what I was doing and why.

_October 2, 2010_

_Bella cancelled our date tonight. Claimed she had to work. I could check and see if she was lying, but I knew I wouldn't. Believing her made it easier to keep up the charade. Easier to pretend I was the only person she was dating. Easier for me to play my part._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Meg and Tara beta this bad boy and Jules and Amber pre read. And Kelly, dude, I can't even say how much help you gave me with this chapter. Thanks to all of you guys.**

**TLS continues to be my pimp, all of you guys over there are seriously freaking awesome. And thanks to DiamondHeart78 for her shout out in the last update of Teacher of the Year, several of the reviewers said I had you to thank for them finding my story! :) And also thanks M2kh for the rec on ADF!**

**Last thing, I promise. The next update may be late. I'm have Lasik tomorrow and the whole not being allowed to stare at a computer thing kinda puts a damper on writing. But I promise not to make you wait too long! **


	8. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**_  
><em>

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><p><em>The greatest way to live with honor in this world is to be what we pretend to be. ~Socrates<em>

**Chapter Seven**

_October 2010_

I groaned as I looked down at the screen of my phone. I'd successfully avoided answering the three times Dad had called yesterday, but I guess he'd decided to start again today until I talked to him.

"Hey Dad," I sighed, walking across HUB yard to the library.

"Edward, I was beginning to think you were avoiding me," he said dryly. Yeah, he knew I'd sent his ass to voicemail yesterday.

"Nope," I shot back, winking at two girls I'd just caught eye fucking me, pretty sure one dropped her books. He sighed into the phone and I knew it was because he was annoyed with my short answers. Things were still a little strained since our altercation this past summer and I was in no mood to play the good son just to appease him.

"I'm in Seattle. One of the doctors here asked me to come up for a consult so I thought I'd see if you'd like to grab some lunch," he explained. I stopped outside the doors of the library and leaned against the brick wall, dropping my bag to the ground. I really had no interest in having lunch with him, but I knew I'd never hear the end of it from Mom if I said no.

"You call Emmett?" I asked, hoping at least he'd be there to run interference.

"Yes, I actually spoke to him yesterday. _He_ didn't send me to voicemail," he added sarcastically. Shit.

"And what did he say?" I asked, ignoring his implication. Emmett had probably already told him I did that shit anyway.

"He has to work," he responded. "So? Lunch?"

"Yeah, yeah, where do you want to meet?" I asked, picking up my bag and heading towards the bus stop.

"Why don't you just come here, we can get some sandwiches at the cafe."

"Alright. I'll be there in about half an hour." I hung up the phone and walked over to the bus stop, annoyed that I'd have to do all the homework I'd planned to do now later tonight. I grabbed a seat and spun my phone around in my hand, wondering if I should text Bella. After she'd shown up at my apartment on Saturday and canceled our date, I'd expected her to give me her number then, but she'd bolted so fast I didn't get a chance to ask. But this morning I didn't have to. As soon as she sat down with her coffee she demanded my phone, punched her number in and called herself.

Of course that probably had something to do with the fact she was in a hurry to get somewhere and told me to call her later. But I'd had enough of her bossy bullshit so I just sat back and raised my brow at her while sipping my coffee. She rolled her eyes but still caved and _asked_ if I would call her later nonetheless. I nodded my head nonchalantly, but was annoyed as fuck that she was running off somewhere else when this had been our thing for weeks now.

I didn't give a shit if it made me sound like a selfish asshole, we were dating after all, I thought snidely. Wasn't I supposed to be upset when I didn't get to spend as much time as possible with my girl? I felt so sorry for the poor bastards who were doing this dating shit for real.

My lunch with dad, along with my agitation at the way she ran out this morning led me to believe it would be better not to text her. Let her fucking wait for a change. I rose from my seat and headed to the front of the bus as my stop came up. I really hoped Dad was just wanting to have lunch like we used to and this wasn't an attempt to lecture me on my 'unbecoming behavior' as Mom called it.

I stepped off the bus and walked into the hospital heading for the elevators before realizing I had no clue where in the hell I was supposed to meet him. I gritted my teeth in frustration and pulled my phone out, dialing his number. It rang twice and went to voicemail, fucking perfect. I walked over to the main desk and stood impatiently as the lady behind it ran her mouth about unimportant bullshit with some old guy in front of me. I sighed loudly, earning a glare from her. Well at least I had her attention now.

I sidestepped the guy in front of me and opened my mouth to speak when Bella's voice sounded behind me.

"Damn it Charlie, I told you to take it easy after your session this morning. Why didn't you just listen to me?" she hissed angrily. I discreetly turned, lowering my head so I was peeking around my shoulder. Bella was walking beside an older guy who was, without a doubt, related to her. The hair, facial features, the matching stubborn fucking scowls on both of their faces; yes, they were definitely related.

"Now listen here, young lady," the man said gruffly, "don't start that nagging shit with me. I was lifting the same suitcase I'd carried in the door on Saturday."

"But you had physical therapy this morning," she stressed, "your muscles were already tired, you should have been resting." He grumbled something I couldn't hear now that their backs were to me.

"Sir," Miss Helpful from behind the desk called in an agitated voice. I shot my hand out, cutting her off. It seemed I wouldn't need her to tell me she couldn't help me after all, which is ultimately what would have happened anyway.

"I'm all set," I said with a wide smile. "Thanks for your help," I added, chuckling as I watched her face flush.

I spun on my heel and strolled over to the elevators casually, opening my phone and pulling her name up on the screen as I came to a stop beside her . I started typing out a text to her, that I obviously had no fucking intention of sending.

"Edward?" she questioned. I jerked my head in her direction.

"Bella," I said, feigning surprise.

"What are you doing here?" She sounded confused, her eyes narrowed slightly in what looked like suspicion.

"I'm here to have lunch with my dad," I answered easily. "I was just about to text you to see if you wanted to hang out later since you took off so quickly this morning," I added, waving my phone in front of her so she could see her name pulled up on the screen. "Are you sick or something?" I asked in concern. Not that I was really concerned, since I knew she was here because of the man with her, but I wasn't going to let on that I'd overhead that shit. Said man cleared his throat suddenly, causing both of us to snap our eyes to him.

"Bella, you gonna introduce me to your friend?" he cut in with a smirk on his face. At least I assume he was smirking, it was hard to tell what was going on under that moustache he was sporting.

I watched as her eyes darted between us nervously. It was at that moment I realized just how much of an asshole I'd become, because I was _really_ enjoying watching her squirm.

"Uh, yeah," she started, then cleared her throat, "this is Edward," she pointed at me," Edward this is my dad, Charlie." Her father. That made sense since they looked so much alike. I smiled and nodded my head as I stuck my hand out to shake his.

"Edward Cullen, nice to meet you sir," I offered politely. Bella's head whipped in my direction, her eyes wide. I furrowed my brows at her and mouthed 'what?'. She just stared at me before shaking her head and turning her attention back to her father. I noticed him watching us with a raised brow before introducing himself.

"Chief Swan, or Charlie, as this one likes to call me," he added dryly, nodding his head in Bella's direction.

"Ah, that it explains it," I remarked.

"Excuse me?" Charlie asked.

"Bella, and her aim with a gun. I was wondering where that came from, but it makes sense she would know how to shoot since her dad is a cop," I explained, feeling a little smug that I finally figured something out about this damn girl.

"You got her shooting at you already?" he laughed as the elevator doors slid open.

"Well, this was great," Bella drawled, rolling her eyes. "C'mon Charlie, we're gonna be late." It was then I noticed he was using a walker. How the hell did I miss that? She turned to me with a small smile on her face. "Do you want me to call you when I get done?" I shrugged and stepped onto the elevator, causing her to give me a sideways glance.

"I told you I was here to have lunch with my dad," I explained. "What floor?"

"Seven," she answered warily.

"What do you know, me too," I grinned, pressing the button for the seventh floor.

"Your dad is in physical therapy?"

"No, he's working, I told him that I'd meet him here." I had no idea where in the hell he was, but looking for him on the seventh floor was as good of place as any.

"Your dad's a doctor?" Charlie asked, sounding impressed. I noticed Bella was staring at me as well, guess I failed to mention that before.

"Yes, sir."

"What about you? Do you plan on following in his footsteps?" he questioned. I smirked. With what I'd just found out about him I was interested to see her face when I answered.

"Nope, Criminal Justice. Forensic Science to be exact." I watched Charlie nod in approval from the corner of my eye, but my attention was on Bella who was gaping at me like I'd just said I was going to become a priest or some shit. The elevator doors opened at the seventh floor and we all filed out.

"Bella why don't you go grab some lunch while I meet with the doctor," Charlie said, giving her a pointed stare.

"What? No. I'm coming with you," she argued, cutting her eyes to me.

"I'm sure Edward wouldn't mind keeping you company, would you son?" he asked, sounding hopeful. It was obvious he just wanted to get rid of her while he met with the doctor. I could understand why after the way she was riding his ass downstairs earlier. And fuck, I really did mind. I was here to meet my dad and wasn't interested in explaining who she was to him. That was all I fucking needed. Of course instead of voicing that shit I smiled wide and shook my head, such a nice fucking guy.

"Of course not. C'mon Bella," I goaded playfully, "give your dad a break. Plus you did run out on me this morning." Her eyes were narrowed and I could tell she wasn't happy about being pawned off by her own father, but she finally relented and looked at him.

"You sure?"

"Yes I'm sure. I seem to keep interrupting your plans lately. First showing up at your place early a couple of weekends ago and now this morning apparently." he said with a grimace. What did he mean by that? A couple of weekends ago? Was that when-

"Stoppit. You did no such thing. Now go see your doctor. I'll be back before you're done," she sighed, cutting off my train of thought. Charlie stuck out his hand and grasped mine firmly.

"It was good to meet you Edward. You ever have any questions about field work have Bella give you my number," he advised.

"Absolutely," I grinned, "it was good to meet you as well."

Bella shook her head, but had a smile on her face. "Well let's go, I need to be fed." She tugged on my sleeve, pulling me forward to the elevators. Once we were inside she cocked her head to the side and peeked up at me.

"You sure you're not stalking me?"

"What's with you and stalking?" I turned to face her. "I think you like that shit. You want me to stalk you, don't you?" I asked, stepping closer and pushing her against the elevator wall.

"What's with you and trapping me against walls?" she mimicked, raising her arms and resting them over my shoulders. "I think you like that shit. You want to trap me, don't you?" She was grinning and so was I, but for completely different fucking reasons.

"You have no idea." I taunted with a chuckle. And she really didn't. I couldn't wait to trap her, expose her, because when I did, it meant Jake would be fucking annihilated. And I could be done with them both.

My face began to twist with anger. I quickly dipped my head to her neck so I could school my features, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to get her to fuck me by sneering at her. I let my nose skim across her neck, imagining she was one of the girls I'd seen on campus earlier, someone who wasn't cheating on her boyfriend. Just a random girl with her hot fucking body that I currently had pressed against the wall of an elevator, surrounded by mirrors. I cut my eyes to the side, watching as I pressed against her fully. Her hands balled into fists behind my head as I lowered my lips to her neck and brushed them softly against her skin.

"Oh," someone gasped behind me. We jerked apart, looking in the direction of the noise. The elevator doors had opened and an older woman was standing outside the doors gaping at us. I cleared my throat and hooked my pinkie around Bella's, tugging her behind me.

"Sorry," we mumbled at the same time, causing us to laugh.

"So," she coaxed, rolling her wrist flippantly. I cocked my head, lifting my brow as I looked down at her, a sly smile pulling at the corners of my mouth. I might have eye fucked her a little bit, too.

"Yes?" I drawled. I took two steps before my arm pulled back because my pinkie was still wrapped around hers...and she had stopped walking. I turned to the side, our arms stretched out between us as she just stood there. What the fuck was she doing?

"Hey," I called, tightening my grip and tugging her forward, "what's the matter with you?"

Her eyes snapped to mine, she looked...startled?

"Nothing," she lied, falling into step with me. But I knew that fucking look on her face. She looked exactly like those girls eyeing me on campus earlier. Trap, trap, trap.

"Your dad. I thought you were meeting your dad for lunch, but you didn't even look for him," she pointed out, sounding annoyed.

"Shit," I hissed. "I forgot I was supposed to be looking for him." I pulled out my phone, the light flashing that I had a text.

**Asked to assist in an emergency surgery. I'm sorry son, call you later. -Love, Dad**

I shook my head annoyed, but if I was being honest I was also fucking relieved. I held my phone out to Bella who leaned over and read the text, smiling.

"Lucky me," she chuckled, her usual smart mouthed tone absent.

"Lucky you," I retorted, reaching out and pushing the door to the cafe open and letting her walk in front of me like a fucking gentleman. I may not have been one, but I could fake it like a pro. She moved ahead of me, my arm tugging forward because we still had our damn pinkies linked.

We ordered our food and found a table in the back away from the few people eating.

"You know, I totally get you majoring in forensic science," she commented casually. I sat back in my chair, taking a sip of my Coke.

"Oh yeah? Why is that?"

"Because you always seem to be analyzing everything. It's kinda intense. I'm sure that'll be helpful when you pick your next victim to stalk," she joked.

I leaned in towards her, my forearms resting on the table as I lowered my voice. "I'm pretty content with my current prey," I murmured. "I think you may have ruined me for any future victims." She cracked a smile at me and licked her lips.

"So I'm sacrificing myself to save women from being stalked by you in the future?" she teased. "I feel like I'm depriving them."

"Look at it more like you're redirecting my skills to other areas. Instead, I can focus on catching killers, hired guns who shoot like snipers," I gave her a pointed look, remembering how she lit my ass up in laser tag.

Her face fell and she leaned back from the table. What just happened?

"What's the matter?" I asked, honestly concerned. I'd only ever seen her turned on or full of snark, but she seemed upset.

"Charlie," she whispered. I furrowed my brow, trying to figure out what he had to do with this, when she began speaking again.

"He was helping the DEA with a bust they'd been working on for months. Apparently some big time meth manufacturers got the bright idea that moving to a smaller town for their operation would help them fly under the radar. Charlie was there for the raid and helped make the arrest, it got a lot of news coverage up here." She took a sip of her drink and sat quietly for a second.

I knew exactly what she was talking about, it happened a little over a year ago. The entire house had to be contained and demolished because it was so toxic it posed heath risks to the surrounding neighbors. The guys arrested had over five hundred thousand dollars worth of meth and cash in the house. Their trial was...my stomach dropped as realization dawned on me. Fuck.

"One of the guys arrested went on trial this past April. He had a lot of associates who didn't want to see him in prison. Charlie was scheduled to testify on the third day, he didn't even see it coming." She sounded so far away, her eyes distant, like she was somewhere else entirely.

"They shot him in the back, right on the steps of the courthouse. No one saw the shooter, the investigators said they were probably in one of the building across the street. When he woke up in the hospital a couple of days later he was completely paralyzed from the waist down." She drew in a ragged breath to continue but all I wanted was for her to stop.

I didn't want to know anymore, I saw the news reports. Local hero gunned down before testimony against drug dealer. I didn't want to know the details from a personal perspective. But it didn't really matter what I wanted, because I would sound like the biggest asshole in the world if I told her to stop talking. This was about something she had no control over, something that happened to her father. Getting caught cheating on her boyfriend was avoidable, she was digging that hole all on her own.

"The doctors had already repaired the damage to his spinal cord when they removed the bullet, but they were unsure if he would ever walk again. But Charlie is so stubborn," she chuckled, "he said there was no way he was pissing in a bag the rest of his life." I cracked a grin at that, he didn't seem like the type to take shit lying down. You could tell he had that spark, just like his daughter.

"A quarter of an inch to the right and his spinal cord would have been severed completely. He told them it was a quarter inch to the left and not right for a reason and to get his damn physical therapy sessions set up now." She had lowered her voice and grumbled the last part, imitating his tone.

"Anyway as you can see, his stubbornness won out," she said wryly. "I still had almost two months of spring semester left in Phoenix so my cousin Jasper and his girlfriend Alice volunteered to come up until I was done with school. They ended up really liking it here and decided to stay. I came up as soon as I finished the semester and as they say, the rest is history," she finished dramatically.

"Damn," I breathed, "that must have been hard having something like that happen to your dad. At least you've made friends here though, right? People you're close to?" I wanted to see her reaction, it was the closest I'd ever come to asking her outright if she had other people in her life here.

She looked down at her hands, twisting her fingers. "Getting away from Phoenix was the only good part about any of this," she mumbled. The way she said it made it seem like her father wasn't the only reason she left Phoenix.

"I've met some people here, and they've been great, it's just..." she trailed off. And there it was. Guilt. It was written all over her face as plain as day. Goddamn it.

"Just what?" There was no mistaking the edge to my voice, and by the way her eyes snapped to mine, it didn't go unnoticed.

"Nothing," she mumbled, looking at her watch. "Shit, Charlie should be done now, I better go," she sighed, looking down at our untouched food. Fuck if I had an appetite to eat anything now.

"Yeah, I need to head out too." I stood from the chair and grabbed my tray, tossing the food in the trash.

"You still wanna hang out later?" she asked, throwing her food away as well. After the conversation we'd just had, the last thing I wanted to do was hang out with her. I felt like shit for her dad, I didn't need that fucking with my head. And then thinking about the look on her face when I'd asked if she had anyone she was close to made me want to put some distance between us.

"Of course I want to hang out later," I lied, stepping closer to her and wrapping my arms around her waist, "you still owe me a date."

"I do owe you a date," she agreed, nodding. I leaned my head down and kissed her cheek softly before stepping back.

"Call me later?" I asked.

"Yup," she smiled then turned for the elevators. I stood watching her, a smile on my face until the door slid shut, cutting off my view of her. I reached into my pocket and yanked my phone out, dialing Jared's number.

"Sup?"

"I need a drink, meet me at Duchess in thirty?" I needed to blow off some steam before talking to her later, I needed to stay on my game, I needed the last hour to have never happened.

"Dude, it's not even two."

"And?" I snapped.

"See you in thirty."

_October 10, 2010_

_My date with Bella went exactly as planned. I took her to the EMP, dropped the innuendos, bit back all of the smartass things I wanted to say, and made myself appear vulnerable. Told her things about my family, some true, others not so much. Not that it mattered, because it worked, she stopped being so goddamn defensive and relaxed. Because that's what I need. For her to relax, for her to trust me._

_October 21, 2010_

_Rose was almost arrested for assault today. She came home and found Maggie waiting outside our apartment. It'd almost be comical if the situation wasn't so fucked up. She wanted to talk. Wanted to apologize. Wanted to know who the brunette was she kept seeing me with. My first thought was to call Bella, make a joke, tell her I wasn't the only one stalking her. But then I'd have to explain, and there was no fucking way that was happening. Did Maggie ever see Jake? Had she seen him and Bella together as well? What would she do if she did? The last thing I need is for Maggie to fuck everything up._

_October 29, 2010_

_Halloween weekend. Parties everywhere. Jared wants to go out, which isn't surprising. What is surprising is that so does Bella. She's still sketchy and MIA, but a lot less now. What does that mean? Why wouldn't she be with Jake this weekend? Did they have a fight? Was he working so she was forced to make other plans? Things have been different lately, relaxed. I need to find out what's going on, but first I need to figure out how._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Hiya! Thanks to Meg and Tara for their red pens, Jules and 107yearoldvirgin for pre-reading, and Kelly for digging through my brain and pulling out my words. That didn't sound nearly as creepy in my head. **

**Sooo, things are about to get bumpy. This is your warning. **

**Want a break from the angst? Did you know I wrote a collab with iambeagle? I did. It's called Dirt Roads and can be found on our winehoes account. Truckerhatward is yum, js.**


	9. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.<em>_~Thomas Paine_

**Chapter Eight**

_November 2010_

"What are you doing? Stop that!" she shrieked, batting my hand away.

"Are you afraid?" I whispered against her ear. She scowled at me, her face pinched together so tightly she looked like a lemon. It was cute. Sorta. Of course that could be the five rum and cokes talking.

"I picked out the movie, remember?" she shot back, reaching for her glass and tipping it back.

"And you have white knuckled my leg for the past thirty minutes," I pointed out. "I mean, if you wanted to cop a feel you didn't have to put in a scary movie as an excuse. You're more than welcome to grope me." She rolled her eyes and shook her head before turning her attention back to the movie.

I'd thought about her wanting to hang out on Halloween until I felt like my fucking head was going to explode. But in the end I did what I had to do, I remembered my goal, why I was doing this, why I was with her. Blowing her off was the exact opposite of what I needed to do. But fuck if I hadn't been tempted to go out with Jared, hit a bar off campus, one of the dozens hosting a costume party, where there would be masks, anonymity… pussy, lots and lots of pussy. Because if I was being honest, I was ready to fucking explode between the jacking off and Bella giving me constant blue balls.

Considering I was going to die from blue balls, things actually worked out better than I'd expected. Emmett ended up having to work so Rose decided to go over to her friend's parents' house and pass out candy to the neighbor kids. I didn't know why she was excited about passing out candy to kids that were old enough to have jobs, but it cleared out the apartment for me. Which is how Bella and I ended up drinking rum and watching The Ring.

She shoved her body into my side, her breasts pressing against my arm, her hand tightening on my leg again. I didn't even attempt to hold back my groan the contact created. She was going to fucking kill me.

"Seriously, Bella, I can't be held responsible for my actions if you don't quit touching me," I warned. I meant that shit too. She cut her eyes at me and I swear to God I wouldn't have been surprised if she was possessed by Lucifer himself with the devilish look in her eye.

"This movie is creepy, Edward. I'm freaked out. I have to touch you so I remember I'm not here alone. Is it really that hard for you to have me touching you?"

"Are you serious right now?" I breathed. "Did you really just ask me that question? Because yes, Bella, it really is that hard, both figuratively and literally." I looked down at my dick and yeah, there was no fucking way she couldn't see that shit.

I looked over at her, only she wasn't looking at me, she was looking at my crotch. I smirked and shifted, my erection pressing into my jeans, becoming more noticeable. She jerked her head up, her lips pursed in disapproval.

I reached down and adjusted myself before leaning over and grabbing my drink, knocking the rest of it back. I set it back on the table and leaned against the back of the couch, stretching my opposite arm out across the top. She eyed my other arm that lay between us before huffing and grabbing my hand and draping my arm around her shoulder.

I chuckled as she squirmed around trying to get comfortable. She brought her legs up beside her, causing her to lean forward a bit and my arm to fall around her back and to her waist. She pulled her arm on top of mine and started running her thumb over the length of each of my fingers, her attention back on the movie. Mine, however, was completely fucked.

The combination of whiskey, the dark room, my lack of sex, and the hot as fuck girl pressed up against me was making me insane. Something had to fucking give. I shifted towards her so she was cradled into my side and brought my mouth down to her ear.

"Bella," I whispered, my arm falling from the back of the couch and connecting with the one at her waist, squeezing her to me.

"Shh, I'm trying to watch the movie," she scolded as she grabbed my hand and pulled my arm tighter around her.

"You're not really watching this movie," I admonished quietly, biting down on her lobe.

"I'm really not," she conceded. She titled her face towards mine, her eyes closed. This was it, the first time we kissed, the step she couldn't come back from, the one where she crossed that final line. The liquor in my system a welcome rush, it kept me from over thinking everything and just going for it. It is what I wanted after all. But the moment our lips connected, the rage I felt was like a fucking tidal wave crashing over me. The way her mouth felt against mine was maddening, because I'd known it was going to be good, and it was fucking tainted.

But as her lips parted and her tongue swept across my lip, all reason left my mind. There was no plan, no Jake, no lies, hurt, or betrayal. There was me, whiskey, and the girl underneath me. My tongue plunged into her mouth, her hands gripping my hair tightly and pulling, my hands roughly grasping her waist.

Her back arched and she moaned as my hand slid under her shirt and cupped her breast, it was warm, full, and soft. I wanted to bury my face between them and bite and suck and lick and make her fucking scream. Months of pent up frustration made me not give a fuck if I was being rough, or too forward, and by the way she was grinding against me I didn't think she gave a fuck either.

I pushed her flat onto the couch, crawling over her. I pushed her legs apart with my knee and grabbed her thigh, hoisting it up as I covered her body with mine. And motherfucker, the contact of her jean covered pussy against my dick made me squeeze my eyes shut tight, my teeth sinking into my cheek to keep from stripping her naked and fucking her right here on my couch.

"Oh shit," she whimpered, wrapping her other leg around my waist and pulling my body completely flush with hers. I thrust my hips against her, groaning at the contact, my mind swimming with alcohol and lust. There were a lot of things I didn't know, things I was unsure about, but one thing I had absolutely no fucking doubt about was that I wanted her. And I wanted her _now_.

"Whoa," Rose yelled from behind me, causing me to jerk so forcefully that I fell off the fucking couch and landed on my ass. Bella sat upright and scooted to the end of the couch, her eyes wide as they darted between me and Rose. How did neither of us hear her come in the damn door?

I cut my eyes to Rose and I knew in that moment that I was completely fucked. Either I lied and told her Bella was a random hookup, which meant she would blast my ass for bringing her to the apartment, or I told her Bella and I were dating and be forced to explain why I'd never mentioned her. I swore under my breath and looked over at Bella who was...was she fucking laughing at me?

"Something funny?" I asked, both amused by her reaction and pissed that she thought anything about this situation was funny.

"You've got a little something," she choked, circling her hand over her head, "right here." Her face was red, her eyes shining as she attempted to hold back her laugh. I reached up and ran my hand through my hair, watching as popcorn flew out and onto the floor. I looked beside me and noticed the bowl of popcorn was turned over and spilled out onto the floor. I guess I knocked that shit over when Rose scared the shit out of me.

I sighed and scooped the popcorn back into the bowl before walking over to Bella and dumping it out onto her head. She yelled in protest and punched me in my leg, and I assumed by how much it stung that shooting wasn't the only thing her dad had taught her. I laughed and ran my hand over the top of her head to knock the rest of the popcorn out before looking up at Rose who was staring at me with a raised brow. Shit.

"Uh," I started, "Bella, this is my brother's girlfriend Rose. Rose, this is Bella."

Bella stood from the couch, elbowing me in the side before turning her back to me and walking over to Rose.

"How do you do it?" Bella asked. My brown furrowed in confusion. What in the hell kind of introduction was that?

"Do what?" Rose asked, her face mirroring mine. Well at least I wasn't the only one fucking confused right now.

"Live with him?" Her voice was so sincere. I felt my face twist with annoyance. "And his gigantic ego?" she added. I rolled my eyes. I expected nothing less from her smart ass mouth. Rose laughed and nodded her head, pleased with Bella's question. Well that was just fucking great.

"It's a work in progress," Rose retorted with a sigh.

"And yet," I cut in, having had enough of this chit chat bullshit, "both of you willingly choose to associate with me." I smirked at their matching scowls.

Bella's phone beeped, stopping them both from saying something snarky in return. She looked at it, typing out a quick response before looking at me apologetically.

"Charlie?" I asked, knowing that he was on his way into town. She nodded her head and stepped back over to me.

"Call you later?" she asked popping up on her toes and kissing me quickly. I agreed and followed her to the front door after she and Rose said goodbyes and nice to meet yous and all that other trivial bullshit.

As soon as she walked out the door I dropped my forehead against it, steeling myself for the interrogation Rose was about to launch. Then I remembered I didn't have to tell her shit and spun away from the door, a smile on my face as I found her standing directly behind me.

"Nope," I grinned and moved down the hall towards my room.

"I know you don't believe you're gonna get out of this that easily?" she asked incredulously.

"That's exactly what I believe," I called and slammed the door to my room before she could follow me in. I might not be able to avoid her forever, but I sure as fuck didn't have to explain shit tonight.

_Three weeks later..._

"They're coming here?" I deadpanned.

"Yup," Rose quipped, a grin plastered on her face. I growled and ran my hand across my face harshly. I thought I'd avoided dealing with my parents on Thanksgiving after Emmett was asked to work, but it seemed they were hell bent on spending time with us.

"When are they coming?" I sighed, defeated.

She looked at the clock on the kitchen wall before nonchalantly responding, "A couple of hours."

I jumped to my feet. "And you've known about this for how long?" I hissed, annoyed that they'd kept this from me on purpose.

"You gonna invite Bella?" she asked with a smirk. I got it then, she was still pissed because I refused to talk to her about Bella. And Emmett was forced to play dumb because letting on he knew anything would land his ass in the doghouse.

"Nice," I spat, stalking from the room and out the front door. I walked around campus for a while, my mind overloaded with all of the bullshit that surrounded me. Rose's nagging, Emmett's concern over getting caught, my parents, Bella. I felt like things were starting to close in around me and I fucking hated it. I deserved some payback and goddamn it I was going to get it. I rubbed my hands together, the temperature had dropped and I realized I was freezing my balls off. I saw the coffee shop up ahead and decided to grab a cup of coffee before heading back to the firing squad. It was Thursday after all.

I walked through the door, feeling strange knowing Bella wouldn't be here, but she was at home with her family, with Jake. I noticed Jane leaning against the counter, a cruel smile stretching across her face. But that wasn't what stopped me in my tracks, it was the conversation she was having, and who she was having it with.

"Well, well, well," she drawled, "I've been wondering when this would happen." I stared at her, trying to figure out what the fuck she was up to, when she turned her attention back to Jake and starting speaking. "It seems only fair since he already knows about you, that you should know about him as well."

"Him who?" Jake asked, sounding confused.

"Your competition," she smirked, waving her hand flippantly in my direction.

For a split second, I panicked. He wasn't supposed to find out this way, it wasn't supposed to happen like this. Fucking Jane and her big fucking mouth, I should have known it would be a woman that would blow everything to hell. As his body shifted to turn and face me I relaxed my stance, my expression calm, unperturbed.

"Edward?" His brows were pulled down, his face a mask of confusion.

"Jake," I nodded.

"You two know one another?" Jane interrupted. Neither of us acknowledged her, our eyes locked as we stared each other down.

"What is she talking about?" His voice was low, rough. I shrugged my shoulders indifferently.

"He's Bella's other guy," Jane chimed in, "God Jake, you didn't think you were her one and only?" she giggled. She really was a bitch, and right now my best fucking friend. He shot her a menacing look over his shoulder before walking towards me.

"We need to talk, in private," he said pointedly, moving through the door.

"Bummer." Jane sighed, leaning on her elbows and propping her chin in her hands. I chuckled at her and spun on my heel, following Jake outside. I found him pacing in front of the store, his hand gripping the back of his neck.

"What was she talking about Edward? What did she mean, 'Bella's other guy'?" he spat, his eyes hard.

"Why don't you ask your girlfriend?" I goaded, my anger starting to rise. Seeing him here, like this, talking about her, about them, together; it made me fucking sick.

"Because I'm asking you," he threw back.

"I think it's pretty fucking simple," I surmised, "your girlfriend is stepping out on you, bro." This may not have been how I wanted things to happen, and was nowhere near as humiliating, but the pain that washed across his face almost made me almost feel high.

"Fucking sucks, doesn't it?" I taunted cruelly. He stared at me for a moment, the pain on his face draining, anger contorting his features.

"Is that what this is about?" he yelled. "I hurt you, so you hurt me?" Was he fucking stupid? Of course that was what this was about.

"What do you think? Did you think that you'd never have to answer for what you fucking did to me? That you'd just go on with your life like nothing happened? That you didn't deserve to suffer? Fuck that Jake, no fucking way," I scoffed, fists clinched at my sides. I wanted to throttle the mother fucker.

"I have fucking suffered, Edward. I lost my best friend and any other friends I had won't even look at me!" he shouted. My mouth dropped open in shock, like true jaw dropping fucking shock.

"Well, Jake," I said slowly, "that sounds terrible for you. It must be so hard being shunned like that. I mean, all you did was fuck your best friend's girl in front of a house full of people."

"Edward," he began, before his jaw snapped shut suddenly, his eyes widening. The fuck?

"That's why you're with her," he whispered, "you want to get back at me." I smiled at him, hoping my face reflected all the malice I felt inside.

"Stings, doesn't it?"

"You don't give a damn about her do you?" he growled. What the fuck kind of question was that? He just found out his girlfriend was cheating on him and _that_ is what he asks? Something wasn't right.

"Why the fuck does that matter?" I demanded. "Your girlfriend is sneaking around behind your back and you ask if I care about her?" I didn't get it, nothing was making sense right now.

"She's not my fucking girlfriend, asshole!" he thundered. "She's never been my fucking girlfriend, although I would do just about anything to change that. She has always shut me down, but we hung out, became friends,_ close_ friends, and then _bam_, she pulls away completely." His jaw ticked as he stared at me, his fists opening and closing.

"And to fucking think," he went on, but it was like he wasn't even talking to me anymore, "she was pulling away because of you. Around less because you were worming your way into her life, and you don't give a shit about her." I felt something twist in my gut, I couldn't quite figure out what emotion exactly to attach to it, but it sure as fuck wasn't a good one.

"She's not your girlfriend," I echoed. "But you want her to be. You're in love with her." I knew that for a fact. The way he was with her the few times I'd seen them together and the way he was acting right now left no fucking doubt in my mind.

And then I laughed. Full on gasping, doubled over, crying laughing. Because he'd been chasing this girl since June and had gotten nowhere. I'd gotten more action from her the first time I'd met her than he had the entire time he'd known her.

"You think this is funny?" he shouted.

"I think," I gasped, "that it is motherfucking hilarious." I stood up straight, taking a deep breath to calm myself.

"Oh Jake, this is even better," I chuckled. "I don't have to stay off the radar anymore. I don't have to worry about you seeing us together before I wanted you to. I can be with her wherever I want now. I can flaunt that I'm with her in front of you. That I can be with her like you want to be and not even have to try." This was so much better than him catching us together. This was so much better than her cheating on him. Because she chose me. Over him.

"I'll tell her," he spat. "I'll tell her why you're with her and then she'll be done with you." I felt my stomach twist again, I wasn't sure if it was in anger at him threatening me, or what the threat meant. But I knew there was no fucking way that I was going to allow that to happen. Ever.

"You'll tell her what, Jake?" I taunted. "Tell her you used to be my best friend? Tell her you didn't approve of my girlfriend of three years, the girl I planned to propose to? That you decided to fuck my girl at a frat party and I, along with about fifty other people, caught you in the mother fucking act? You do that Jake. You tell her _all_ of that. I guarantee I won't be the only one she cuts out of her fucking life." My breathing was choppy, my entire body taut. I stared at him in challenge, daring him to deny that she wouldn't fucking write his ass off in a heartbeat.

"What happened to you?" he asked, his tone and posture defeated.

"You did. You happened."

I turned my back on him and walked away. My head spun with everything I'd just learned. They weren't dating? They'd never dated? This entire time I'd been plotting and planning and acting like a complete fucking asshole and she'd done nothing to deserve it?

All of a sudden I couldn't breathe, my chest so tight that my vision began to blur. I sped my pace until I hit the edge of the building and ducked around the side, out of sight. I grabbed the wall beside me, my fingers digging into the brick so roughly the tips of my fingernails bent back, the pain a welcome distraction.

I thought back over the last couple of months, all of the time that we'd spent together, the times when she would act shifty and shady, secretive. I'd already guessed her dad was the reason she'd run off on Saturday nights, but this, her not being with Jake? That shit never crossed my mind in a million years.

I remembered our first date, the way I wanted to touch her, feel her, be inside of her, but also the way she made me sick, made my stomach twist with disgust because I thought she was nothing more than a cheating slut. _Fuck._ Everything, all of it, I was wrong. She'd done nothing. Was she really different? Was she really not like the rest of them? No. I needed... I needed to not think like that. But goddamn it, how could I not? Could I keep seeing her? Do like I told Jake I would and flaunt being with her in front of him?

The thought still sent a jolt of satisfaction through my system. But would he tell her? What would happen when he finally gave up and realized whether I was in the picture or not he didn't have a shot with her? Would just being her friend, being in her life be enough incentive to keep him quiet? Would he find another way to tell her without involving himself?

"Fuck!" I roared, my hand pulling away from the wall and clenching into a tight fist before slamming back against the brick. Pain shot like fire up my arm as the skin over my knuckles split and tore, blood immediately exploding to the surface and dripping down my arm.

I splayed my hands flat against the wall, my forehead thudding against the bricks as I sucked air into my lungs, trying to breathe, trying to ignore the pain in my hand, trying to ignore how completely fucked up everything was, and most of all, trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to do now.

My phone beeped in my pocket. I reached back and snatched it out, expecting to see a text from Rose demanding that I come back to the apartment, but it wasn't from Rose.

**Happy Thanksgiving, Stalker ;) -Bella**

I felt fucking sick; gut turning, bile rising, pass the fuck out sick. I needed to step back, I needed to reassess the situation. I needed to get a handle on all of the bullshit thoughts flying around in my head and calm the fuck down.

_November 27, 2010_

_Today was better. I was in control. Jake may have thrown a me a fucking curve ball, but it was even better this way. I wasn't taking something from him, I had something he wanted and couldn't have. Bella was fun to hang out with, and now that I wouldn't be thinking she was cheating on her boyfriend every time I looked at her, I could relax. I had no expectations, I sure as fuck wasn't looking for a real relationship with her. Fuck that. No, I'd stay with her until I was satisfied that I'd caused him at least a fraction of the pain he'd caused me. Then I would walk away._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Happy Valentines Day? It is for this Edward. Thanks to the usual suspects. Meg and Tara for beta skills, Jules and 107yearoldvirgin for prereading, and Kelly for taking the time out from riding coasters at Disney and Islands of Adventure and where ever else she's been to give me her thumbs up.**

**Meg, pretty, the movie choice of The Ring...it was all for you. 3 3 3 **

**Thanks for reading guys!**


	10. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Almost all our desires, when examined, contain something too shameful to reveal. ~Victor Hugo<em>

**Chapter Nine**

_December 2010_

I grabbed my tray of food and walked over to the booth where Jared was waiting for me.

"You're an idiot." I greeted him, falling into the seat and shoving a fry into my mouth. "You know that, right?"

He looked at me, his mouth hanging open, almost like he expected me to say I was kidding.

Yeah, not fucking likely.

He cleared his throat. "And why exactly am I an idiot?" He asked. "Was there some sort of drawing I was unaware of and I ended up with the short straw?"

I shook my head. "You know what, my quota for smart asses in my life is all filled up. There is, however, room for a dumbass. I think you'll fit nicely there."

He set his cup on the table and stared at me. "Are you going to tell me exactly what it is I've done, or are you going to just continue to insult me?"

"They're not together." I deadpanned. His face scrunched up in confusion.

"Who's not together?"

"Bella. And Jake. They aren't together."

"Shit dude, really?" He asked, sitting up straighter in his seat. "What happened? Did they break up? Did you have anything to do with it?"

Jesus, he really was acting like a damn gossiping chick right now. That should have been my first tip not to trust anything he said.

"They have _never_ been together. Never dated. Nothing," I emphasized, watching as what I said registered with him.

"But," he sputtered, "how is that - we've seen them...Who told you that?"

"Jake." I answered as Jared's jaw dropped, his eyes widening.

I nodded my head and filled him in on the entire conversation with Jake, leaving out what happened after with the brick wall. Explaining that shit to my family when I'd gone home had been hard enough. I'd finally just settled on a partial truth and told them I'd had a run in with Jake. They'd dropped the questioning after that.

"Well fuck man, that changes shit for sure."

I nodded my head in agreement. "I have to tell her about Jake now, at least some version of the truth. If I don't, and he brings it up...she's going to be suspicious. I'm finally getting where she'll actually talk to me about shit, I don't want to move backwards now." I sighed and ran a hand over my face; this shit was getting fucking complicated.

"What are you two fuck nuts talking about?" Emmett asked loudly, pulling a chair from a nearby table and dropping into it.

"Edward was telling me how Bella and Jake aren't really dating. That's some crazy shit, right?"

Damn it. Jared had the biggest fucking mouth of anyone I'd ever met in my life. I hadn't said shit to Emmett about what happened, because I wasn't sure what I was going to tell him.

"What?" Emmett asked, his eyes darting between the two of us.

I glared at Jared, the side of my lip curling up in a snarl. Had he always been this fucking chatty?

"Yeah, it seems that Jared didn't know what the fuck he was talking about after all." I spat, annoyed at pretty much anything that had to do with Jared and his mouth right now.

"So, what now? It's over?" Emmett asked.

"Hell no, he's gonna keep seeing her," Jared laughed.

I kicked him under the table. Hard. "Would you let me answer his damn questions?" Fuck, he needed to stop running his goddamn mouth. How in the hell he'd managed to keep his mouth shut in the first place was a fucking miracle.

"Yes," I said quickly, "I am going to keep seeing her." Emmett stared at me for a second, his brows pulled down low.

"Why?"

This was it, moment of truth. My answer could completely put Emmett in the clear, or keep dragging him along with me. I already knew what I was going to say, I just had to make sure I got it out before Jared opened his fucking yap again.

I ducked my head and brought my hand up to the back of my neck, rubbing it back and forth.

"I like her," I answered quietly. I chanced a glance at them and it took everything thing in me not to laugh at their expressions. Jared with a fry hanging out of his mouth, and Emmett...yeah, his face wasn't so funny, and it hadn't changed much either. He was about to call bullshit.

"You like her." He deadpanned.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Yeah, I mean, she's not cheating on Jake like I thought she was, and you know how much time I've spent with her. Why wouldn't I?" I asked, pulling my hands in front of me and picking at my thumb. I knew better than to look him in the eye.

"So your idiotic plan for revenge against Jake is done? Just like that?" he asked, skeptically.

"It wasn't idiotic," I spat. "And am I _really _the only one who thinks that mother fucker deserves a little hurt?" It seemed like everything I did was met with disapproval from someone, I was so fucking tired of that shit. Well, everyone but Jared, and right now he was more of a fucking liability than anything else.

"No," Emmett said slowly, "I do think he deserves a little hurt. And you did that. You beat his ass. Now you move on. Karma has a way of taking care of the rest."

"Maybe that's what I'm doing," I shot back, arching my brow in challenge.

"So what, you're going to bring her around now? Let me meet her?" he asked in the same tone I'd used.

Fuck. I wanted to yell and hit something. Tell him to mind his own fucking business, that I was doing him a favor by letting him believe I really liked her.

"Sure. Rose has already met her, you might as well," I shrugged, my leg bouncing under the table, my teeth biting the inside of my cheek.

His eyes widened slightly and I knew that I'd convinced him. I felt a little bad about lying to him, but it was for the best.

"Well damn. Does this mean I might actually get my old brother back?"

I leaned back in my chair and sucked my teeth. "I'm actually pretty fond of who I am right now," I answered with a smirk. "Getting pussy versus being a pussy is much more fulfilling."

Jared laughed as Emmett shook his head and stood from the table, a slight grin on his face.

"It doesn't have to be one or the other," he said, reaching out and bumping his fist against mine. He nodded to Jared and turned, leaving out the front door.

I eyed Jared for a second, waiting for him start in with the damn questions, and he did not disappoint.

"Why don't you want Emmett to know? What are you going to do about Bella? Do you think Jake will say something to her?"

Jesus fuck. I licked my lips, trying to figure out how to answer his questions quickly so I could get the hell outta here.

"I want Emmett to have plausible deniability so Rose doesn't beat his ass if all this comes out. I'm going to tell Bella a version of my run-in with Jake." I held up my hand when he opened his mouth. "I don't know what I'm going to say, I have to figure it out." I stood from the table and grabbed my bag. "And no, I don't think Jake will say anything, I think he'll wait for me to fuck up."

I tossed my trash and turned back to Jared who was also gathering his stuff. "I gotta go. I don't have to tell you not to repeat any of this shit, right?"

"C'mon man. Yeah, I was wrong about them dating, but you know I've got your back. I wouldn't fuck shit up for you like that."

And I did know that. He'd been a good friend through this entire fucking mess, a chatty one, but still a friend.

"Yeah, I know." I sighed. "I'll talk to you later."

I headed to my apartment. It was good a place as any to figure out what in the hell I was going to do about Bella. I was relieved when she called last night and said she was going to stay at her dad's one more night. It meant she wouldn't make our regular Monday morning coffee date, but it gave me time to think about how to approach the Jake situation.

I knew I had to bring it up, since if I didn't, Jane would. Hell, Jake might even bring it up. Not that I thought he'd tell her the details, but enough for her to be suspicious as to why I hadn't said anything. What a fucking mess.

I walked through the door and went straight to my room, falling face first onto my bed. I'd slept like shit the past few nights and it was starting to catch up with me. I tucked my pillow under my head and decided a nap sounded better than thinking about all of this bullshit.

I woke up a few hours later to the sound of my phone alerting me I had a text message. I flipped it open, my stomach twisting when I saw it was from Bella.

**I'm back. Wanna hang out? -Bella**

I figured since my ability to bullshit hadn't let me down yet, I'd be better off just winging this shit and having her come over here to talk.

**Of course. Come over? -Edward**

I got up and started picking up all the shit I'd let pile up over the last couple of days when she replied back.

**Be there in 30. -Bella**

Thirty minutes. I had thirty minutes to figure out how to bring up Jake and not fuck things up. I went to the bathroom, stripped off my clothes, and jumped in the shower. If I fucked up and couldn't figure out what to say, having a smooth face and clean body could at least distract her for a while.

I'd just stepped out of the shower when I heard a knock at the door. The fuck? Had it been thirty minutes? Either it took a lot longer to rub one out than I thought, which was highly fucking unlikely considering I hadn't had pussy in months, or someone was eager.

I smirked and grabbed a towel before sticking my head out the bathroom door.

"Come in," I yelled, loud enough for her to hear me. I waited until I heard the front door open and close before ducking back into the bathroom.

"Edward?"

"I'll be out in a minute, make yourself at home," I yelled back and finished drying off. I wrapped the towel around me and walked down the hall to my room, where Bella had decided to go, instead of the living room. She was standing near my dresser, her back to me.

"Hey," I grinned. She let out a yelp and spun around on her heel.

"Hey..." she trailed off as her eyes widened, roaming over me. Gotta say, it was kinda fucking nice.

"Sorry, I just jumped in the shower real quick. I didn't realize you'd be here so fast."

I wasn't fucking sorry. This is why I called her over here without figuring out what to say, shit worked out so much better if I didn't try and force it.

"Shut up. You've been standing in the bathroom like that since we texted, just waiting for me to get here so you could parade around like that," she accused, her hand waving wildly in front of her, eyes narrowed.

I held my arms up in front of me innocently. "I swear I didn't. This place was a pigsty. I was cleaning up and got all sweaty and shit. I just wanted to get a quick shower before you got here. Plus," I added, stepping closer to her, "you're the one that decided my telling you to make yourself at home meant waiting for me in my bedroom." I licked my lips and crossed the room until I was standing directly in front of her.

"Is there a reason you chose my bedroom to wait for me, Bella?" I asked lowly.

She smirked and reached for the edge of the towel, the tips of her fingers ghosting over the top and dipping down. My stomach muscles clenched, causing a gap between me and the towel. Bella curved her fingers in between and tugged slightly.

"Maybe I was hoping to find you exactly like this," she whispered and pulled until I was brushing against her chest.

"And what exactly did you plan on doing with me once you found me?" I asked, my breaths coming in short bursts. I could already feel my erection pressing against the towel, and I knew there was no fucking way she missed that shit.

"A little of this," she sang and rolled up on the balls of her feet, kissing me lightly on my lips, "and a little of this." She pushed her chest completely against me, her leg sliding between mine and pressing fully against my dick. Fuck, she seriously was trying to kill me.

I slid my arm under hers and around her back, until my hand was pressed flat in the middle of her shoulders. I dipped my head down and swept my lips across hers, barely touching. I brushed them from side to side once more, before pressing them firmly against hers. The dry skin caught, tugged, before I snaked my tongue out and traced her bottom lip, moistening it. She parted her lips, and I let my tongue drift over the bottom of her teeth before pushing into her mouth and tangling our tongues together, tasting her.

I wanted to be inside her so fucking bad. And knowing she was single and was with me without anything or anyone in the background made it so much fucking worse. Our teeth knocked together as she flexed the fingers holding the towel and wrapped her other hand around my back, her nails digging into my bare flesh.

I pulled back slightly, my erection pressing into her stomach, her chest heaving against mine. "God, Bella. Fuck. What are you doing?"

"I missed you, Stalker. And I can't be held responsible for my actions when you're standing here practically naked," she breathed, grinding against me.

"Fuck," I hissed. My dick was so sensitive it was painful.

"Anyone home?" Rose yelled from the front door as it closed behind her.

"Goddamn it," Bella swore, her nails digging roughly into my back, causing me to arch into her.

"You can't do that with Rose here," she scolded, pushing away from me.

"What the fuck, Bella? You tried to claw my skin off. I was trying to get away from your death grip," I shot back, reaching around and running my fingers over the indented skin where her nails had pierced.

"Oh baby, I'm sorry. I didn't know you didn't like it rough." She was smirking. It wasn't fucking funny.

"Oh no, I like it rough," I retorted. "I'd just prefer that I'm the only one that hears you scream."

She shot me a glare as footsteps moved closer to my door. I took two wide strides and locked the door, right before Rose twisted the handle.

"Hey, are you in there?"

"Yes, Rose." I answered. "So is Bella."

I looked over at Bella, who had a brow raised at me, a half smile on her face. I knew she was waiting to see what I would say.

"We'll be out in a minute. I just need to put some clothes on." I smirked when Bella's mouth dropped open.

"Okay," Rose drawled.

Bella marched towards the door and snatched it open before I could catch her.

"Hang on Rose," she called smiling. "Edward was taking care of something before I got here, I'll come hang out with you while he finishes."

I scowled and slammed the door behind her before pulling on a pair of jeans and a t shirt. My erection pressed painfully against my jeans, my boxers rubbing uncomfortably.

I stiffly walked out into the living room where Rose and Bella sat chatting like old friends. She never acted like this with Maggie. Never took the time to talk to her, relate to her. Yet, here she and Bella sat, acting like they had been friends for years.

"Hey," Bella smiled. "Rose invited us out Thursday night. You wanna go?" she asked.

"Yeah, sure," I answered, eyeing her warily. We still needed to talk.

"Hey Rose? If you don't mind, I'm going to steal Bella from you for a little bit. I promise to return her soon." I tried to keep my tone light, easy. But something felt off, not right. Bella eyed me for a second before standing from the couch and crossing the room until she was standing in front of me.

"What's the matter?" she asked, her brow pinched.

"Nothing bad," I answered quickly, "at least I don't think so."

"Okay," she drawled. "Well c'mon, I'm sure we can have an actual conversation now that you have your clothes on."

I laughed and led her to my bedroom, closing the door behind us. She walked over and stretched out on my bed which, honestly, was not helping my situation in the least. I moved over to my desk and pulled the chair out, falling into it heavily. My brain was working in overdrive trying to figure out how the fuck to start this conversation.

"I saw Jane over the holidays," I blurted out.

"Oh?" Bella asked, her brow arched.

"Not like, saw her as in we went out. I went to the coffee shop, and she was there," I said in a rush. Why the fuck was I having such a hard time with this? Goddamn it, I needed to calm down.

I leaned back in my chair and let my elbows rest on the arms of the chair, my palms flat against my stomach. "She was being her usual sweet self," I drawled, rolling my eyes.

Bella stared at me expectantly, not interrupting with a million questions, I couldn't help but notice how much better she handled herself than Jared.

"She was talking to a guy. About you."

Bella sat up straighter, her feet landing on the floor. She looked nervous and if I didn't know the deal, I'd think she was guilty as fuck. She really needed to work on her fucking reactions to shit.

"Who?" she asked warily.

"Jake."

"Fuck," she whispered, propping her elbows on her thighs and leaning her head into her hands. She drew in a deep breath, then looked up at me. "What did she say?"

"She introduced me to Jake, as his competition," I explained, my tone casual.

"She did not," she deadpanned.

"Yup."

"Edward. I'm not dating Jake," she said, her voice clear, strong, adamant.

"I know," I nodded, leaning forward in my chair.

"You do?" Her voice had risen a little, sounding confused, and maybe a little shocked.

Here it was, the fine line I had to walk. Where I told her enough of the truth not to contradict anything Jake might say, without telling her everything. I couldn't make Jake out to be a dick, or let on that I hated him, because she'd want to know why. And I was pretty sure if she wanted answers I wasn't willing to give, she'd go to Jake. I didn't think he'd tell her on his own, but I don't know that he'd lie to her if she asked him outright.

"Bella, I know Jake. He and I are in the same fraternity together..." I trailed off, letting my face fall into my hands.

"Yeah?" she asked quietly.

I blew out a breath and looked up at her. "Yeah, we used to be friends, but we just kinda, went our separate ways. There's not really a lot to tell, just two guys who didn't really have much in common. Well except for you, it seems," I added with a small grin.

"I met Jake a few days after I started working at the coffee shop. I was stressed about my dad, and some other stuff I was dealing with, and he was nice to me. He offered to show me around," she shrugged, "and we just started hanging out and became friends."

"Why didn't you mention him before?' I asked.

"No reason in particular. You're kind of an attention whore," she joked, a smile on her face. "I find it difficult to concentrate on anything other than you when we hang out." She waved her hand flippantly in my direction.

I chuckled and moved over to the bed. I sat down and pulled my knee between us so I was facing her. "Jake seemed pretty shocked. Why didn't you ever mention me to him?"

She rolled her eyes and mimicked my position. "See, attention whore," she laughed.

"Honestly," she sighed, her tone serious. "I know that Jake feels more for me than I do for him. He's tried to cross the line from friendship to relationship, but I just...it's not there. You know?"

"Yeah, I get that. But why not tell him?"

"I guess I just didn't want to hurt him. He never said what, but something really rough happened to him right before we met that hurt him badly. I just didn't want to add to that." She sounded so sympathetic. I wanted to fucking vomit. I tried to keep my expression neutral, but I could feel the tightness in my jaw, my entire body rigid.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her hand sliding over my knee.

"Yeah. I'm fine," I muttered, my eyes focusing on her hand rubbing back and forth across my knee. "So, are you going to talk to Jake?" I asked after a few seconds.

She sighed. "Yeah, I mean I tried to be considerate, not flaunt that I was dating someone until I figured out how to tell him, but I guess the cat's outta the bag now."

And because I'm a man, my eyes immediately fell to her pussy.

"Hey," she laughed and smacked my arm. "Stop that shit, you perv."

"Whatever. You like that I'm a perv," I argued.

"I kinda do." She nodded and stood from the bed.

"Hey, where are you going?" I asked and reached out to grab her hand.

"I'm going to talk to Rose about Thursday. C'mon." She tugged my arm and pulled me off the bed.

I sighed and followed her into the living room. I was pretty sure this was going to turn into the 'let's fuck with Edward' game, but I really didn't see any way out of it.

Turns out, I was right. Again. Big fucking surprise there. After an hour of listening to the two of them go back and forth talking shit about me and making plans for Thursday, Bella said she had to get home.

The rest of the week passed as usual. Jane still hadn't said anything to Bella about last week, which she found highly amusing for some reason. And the only communication she'd had with Jake was a few text messages. I was still a little uneasy about what he planned on saying to her when the conversation came up, but worrying about that shit served no purpose, so I tried to let it ride.

I walked into the sports bar we were meeting at and spotted Rose and Emmett sitting in a round booth across from the bar.

"Hey guys," I said, sliding into the seat across from them.

"Where's Bella?" Emmett asked quickly.

"Nice to see you too," I replied sarcastically. Ever since Rose told him we were hanging out tonight, he'd been like a fucking kid bouncing around. Apparently, Rose giving Bella her stamp of approval had shocked Emmett so much that he was having a damn fit to meet her.

He pursed his lips and stared at me expectantly.

"Fine. Jesus. She just texted me that she was running a couple of minutes late. Calm the fuck down," I barked.

Rose shook her head and laughed, her eyes bouncing between the two of us. "Give him a break Edward. He's just happy for you."

"Yeah, yeah," I sighed.

The waitress came over and got our drink orders just as Bella walked through the door. I caught her eye and motioned with my head for her to come over.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," she said in a rush. I stood from the seat so she could slide around towards the middle, next to Rose.

"No problem," I answered, sitting down next to her. Emmett cleared his throat noisily, causing everyone to look at him. I rolled my eyes.

"Bella, Emmett. Emmett, Bella." I waved my hand between the two of them.

"Sup," Bella said with a nod, her voice a little deeper than normal.

I turned my head slightly and cut my eyes at her, trying to figure out what the fuck that was about.

"What?" she laughed. "He's a big guy," she nodded her head at Emmett, "I was trying to sound intimidating."

Emmett choked out a laugh as Bella puffed out her chest and scrunched her face up into a scowl.

She looked at me. "It's not working, is it?"

"Not so much," I laughed.

"Yup," Emmett chuckled, wiping beer off his chin. "I like her."

"See?" Rose beamed. "Told ya."

We drank beer and ate our food, just talking and hanging out. I was actually having a good time. Not that I didn't normally have a good time with Bella or Emmett and Rose, but it was just...different.

The bar had gotten pretty full during the last hour. People were crowded around the bar, yelling and cheering at whatever game was playing on the televisions. From the position of our booth we could see the entire bar, which had become much more entertaining the drunker people got. Or maybe it was the drunker we got.

I stretched out in my seat and scanned the bar. Bella and Rose were laughing and cutting up, both of them well on their way to being trashed, and Emmett was engrossed in the game playing on the television.

All of the sudden I got this weird feeling, like someone was staring at me. I looked at the area of the bar directly in front of me, and there was Jake. He was standing with a couple of guys from our frat, his fist clenched around his beer, his mouth set into a hard line.

I chuckled and slid around in the booth until I was pressed completely against Bella's side, my eyes never leaving Jake. This really couldn't have worked out any fucking better. I threw my arm around her shoulders, tucking her into my side. I leaned down and pressed my lips against her temple just as Bella brought her hand up to my chest and fisted my shirt.

I licked my lips, my face breaking into a wide smile as Jake's face twisted in...anger? Anguish? I couldn't be sure, but he sure as fuck wasn't happy. Which was fucking perfect. Bella shifted, pulling my eyes away from Jake and to her. She tilted her face up, a lazy smile tugging at the corner of her mouth, her eyes heavy.

She stretched up and pressed her lips against mine. "Hi," she giggled.

"Hey," I grinned.

Rose grabbed Bella's arm and tugged, pulling her attention away from me. I looked over at the bar in time to see Jake walking out the front door. I guess he didn't enjoy our moment nearly as much as I did.

For the rest of the night, I kicked back, drank, and relished in the feeling of satisfaction.

_December 11, 2010_

_Dinner. At her apartment. With Charlie. Why didn't I make up a fucking excuse that I couldn't go? Not that I don't like Charlie, because I do. That's the problem. I don't want to like him, I don't want to know him; or anyone else in her family. It was simple before, just her and the plan. The Plan. I'm not sure I even know what the fucking plan is anymore._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Hiiiiiii! So yeah, Meg didn't get to grab this one, but I'm an impatient whore so I posted anyway. Thanks to Tara for helping me catch my legendary typos and to Julie and 107yearoldvirgin for prereading.**

**And Kelly- thanks for being my magic 8ball. I shook her several times when I had questions about this chapter. Luckily all signs pointed to yes!**

**Thanks for reading! **


	11. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company. ~Charles Evans Hughes<em>

**Chapter Ten**

_December 2010_

"Get up," Rose yelled through the door.

"Fuck off." I groaned. It was Friday morning. Why was she banging on my door like the place was burning to the fucking ground? Because, honestly, that was the _only_ acceptable excuse.

"We're going Christmas shopping."

I buried my head in my pillow. She was out of her damn mind if she thought there was a chance in Hell I was going Christmas shopping with her. I didn't have class on Fridays so I could sleep in, and she knew that shit. Besides, I'd had to do that bullshit with Maggie for the last three years, it wasn't happening. No fucking way.

"If you aren't out of that bed in five minutes," she paused, "I'm going to call your parents and tell them Emmett and I decided to go to my parent's house instead, so it'll just be the three of you."

I raised my head from the bed and glared at the door. She couldn't be fucking serious right now.

"Five minutes," she yelled.

I let my head fall back into the pillow and bit it to hold back all of the nasty fucking things I wanted to say to her right now. I yanked the covers back and rolled out of bed, stomping to the bathroom.

"You're a bitch," I yelled, slamming the bathroom door. I could still hear her laughing when I turned on the water to take a shower.

I took my sweet time in there and even longer getting dressed. To be honest, it was kind of annoying taking that much time getting ready. I didn't think I'd ever understand what took girls so damn long to leave the house.

I strolled into the kitchen and leaned against the door frame, watching as Rose moved around the room getting her coffee and breakfast.

"Do you mind explaining exactly _why_ you need me to go shopping with you?" I asked, my words clipped.

"Because I know you haven't bought anything yet. You're going to feel like a real asshole on Christmas morning when everyone is exchanging presents and you don't have anything for anyone."

I laughed through my nose. "I think you have me confused with someone who gives a fuck, Rose."

She scrunched up her face, a sneer pulling at the corner of her mouth. "No," she spat. "I guess I had you confused with the old Edward who used to love buying people stuff for Christmas to see them smile. My fucking bad."

She turned her back to me. Goddamn it, I didn't want to feel like shit about this, but I knew she was right. I was being an asshole. But really, you'd think they'd have gotten used to that shit over the last six months. I knew what she meant though. I felt different lately, the contradiction of shit going on in my head was fucking with me.

"Fine. Let's go." I sighed. I turned to leave the room and noticed that Rose was still standing in front of the sink, her back to me.

"Are you coming?" I asked. She didn't move, but I caught the jerk of her back, like she took in a sudden breath. _Ah, fuck_.

"Are you crying?" I asked, my voice rising. She shook her head no, but still hadn't turned around to look at me yet. I crossed the room until I stood behind her and tugged on her shoulder until she was facing me. Her eyes were red, a glassy sheen covering them.

"Rose," I whispered, my voice soft, remorseful. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. C'mon, let's go buy some shit. Whatever you want." She still hadn't spoken or looked me in the eye. "I'm an asshole. Please don't cry."

"But why are you _still _an asshole, Edward?" she spat, tears brimming her eyes.

I furrowed my brows, not exactly sure what in the hell she was asking.

She sighed and wiped under her eyes. "You have Bella now. And she's great. And you've seemed so different at times. I don't understand why you're still an asshole. I thought…" she trailed off before taking a deep breath and straightening her back. "I thought you were going to be _you _again."

I felt my throat tighten and my jaw clench. I'd let this shit with Jake get out of hand. I'd drug way too many people into this fucking mess and it was going to hurt way more people than I'd ever intended. Bella included. I had to do something, something had to change. I couldn't keep going on like this.

"I'm just having a bad morning. Let's go shopping. I'll even buy you lunch at that place you like so much."

She cracked a small smile and nodded her head. I followed behind her, my stomach twisting and knotting. How much longer was I going to be able to keep lying to everyone? For the first time since this all started, I felt like somehow getting what I wanted wasn't going to be as satisfying as I'd expected.

I spent the rest of the morning following Rose around the mall, buying shit from every store she passed. I thought she'd finally finished and I'd be able to get the hell out of this place when she stopped in front of a jewelry store and turned to me.

"What are you getting Bella?" she asked, her eyes flickering over to the front of the store.

Fuck no. There was no way I was getting her something for Christmas. It just…wasn't happening.

"I'm not getting her anything," I said slowly.

"Why the hell not?" she shot back, her voice rising.

"Why would I?" I questioned.

"Because you've been dating her for over three months! That's way past the point where it's acceptable to not buy someone a gift." She eyed me for a second, her brows pulled down, a scowl on her face. "What the fuck is going on with you, Edward?" she asked suspiciously.

Shit. Everything was spinning out of control. There was nothing I could say that would explain away the fact that I just said I didn't plan on getting her anything. Why didn't I just say I'd already gotten her something? Of course then she'd want to know what, so either way I was fucked. I guess I was buying my fake girlfriend a Christmas present. I could just get something right now with Rose here, and then return it later.

I sighed and ran my hand over my face. "Nothing is going on Rose. I'm just…I'm freaking out, okay? I feel like after what happened with Maggie, maybe this is moving too fast."

"If you weren't ready then why did you start dating her, Edward? Help me out here, because I don't understand. And why are you just figuring this out now?"

I threw my hands up in the air, I just couldn't win. More fucking lies. "I am ready. Let me freak the fuck out for a minute that I'm already dating someone else, then I'm dragging you into this store to help me pick her something out." She laughed and shook her head. I felt bile rise in the back of my throat at the thought that I'd gotten so good at lying, I was even fooling Rose easily.

We walked into the store and I looked through the glass cases, wave after wave of nausea rolling over me.

"What about something like this?" Rose asked from the other side of the store.

I walked over to where she was standing, my feet heavy, my pace slow. I peered over her shoulder, the case filled with silver bracelets; a piece of paper taped to the inside read 'charm bracelets.'

"You could get her one of these and then pick out a charm of some sort, something that she likes or reminds you of her."

I blew out a heavy breath. I could do that, I could get her something small without it having more meaning than intended.

"Thanks, Rose."

She smiled at me. "No problem."

We picked out a bracelet and I added a charm of a gun to it. I laughed, thinking about her face when she realized what it was. My smile immediately slipped when I realized she would never see it.

The trip back to the apartment was quiet, my mind spinning with a million different scenarios. As much as I hated to think about it, I had to make a decision about how long I realistically planned on dragging this out. When would it be enough?

I spent the next couple of hours working on a project due Monday. I couldn't believe I only had one semester left before I was done with school and could get the hell out of this town. Thinking about moving and the future was enough of a distraction that everything that had happened this morning felt like a distant memory. At least I could see Bella without being weird.

I caught up with Bella later that afternoon at the library. She'd been doing research for a paper due before Christmas break she'd been putting off the past couple of weeks. I met her on the steps, a smile breaking across her face when she came out through the door. I felt my chest tighten at the sight.

I'd noticed over the last couple of weeks how she'd become more and more relaxed around me. It made me all the more aware of the fact that Jake wasn't the only person who I was going to hurt.

"Hey, Stalker, how's your day been?" she asked, pinching my side.

"Ouch!" I yelled, jumping back from her. I rubbed my side and narrowed my eyes before a slow smile spread across my face. "You're just begging for me to press you up against that wall and teach you a lesson aren't you?"

She swept her tongue across her bottom lip, her eyes darting to my mouth. "Maybe I am."

It took me three strides to grab her and have the glass of the floor length window pressed against her back. I dipped my head, my arms sliding between her and the glass before I literally fucked her mouth with my tongue. It was harsh and frantic, our teeth knocking; tongues battling.

"Let's go back to my place," she whispered, her hips pushing against mine.

"Okay," I answered, wrapping my pinky around hers and practically running down the stairs of the library. She let out a loud laugh that caused me to laugh as well. We must have looked like our asses were on fire.

"Shit," Bella mumbled, her finger tightening around mine as she slowed to almost a complete stop. I followed her line of sight and watched as Jake and two other guys stood talking outside the art building. The two guys he was standing with had their backs to us, but Jake…he was staring directly at us, his expression dark, face taut.

All of a sudden my eyes fell to the ground, my pinky gripping Bella's just as tightly as she was holding mine. I was pretty sure from the look on his face that he'd seen us kiss, heard her laugh, and everything else. So why the fuck couldn't I look at him? Why wasn't the look of pain on his face making me fucking giddy?

Bella raised her free hand and offered him a small wave with a matching smile. I cut my eyes to him again and saw him mimic her gesture.

"C'mon, let's get out of here." She sighed. I gave her a nod and tugged her hand in the direction of her apartment, making small talk about her plans for Christmas. She'd considered going to visit her mother, but in the end decided she'd rather stay here and spend some time with Charlie.

Once we were inside of her apartment, she kicked off her shoes and pulled me into the living room and over to the couch. She pushed me down and stood in front of me, her foot kicking my leg until there was enough room for her to stand between them.

"C'mere," I whispered, my voice dropping suddenly.

She climbed over me, straddling my lap. "I know that was weird with Jake, but please don't let it ruin how things were before we saw him. I'm fine," she promised.

I licked my lips. "Okay."

"Touch me," she asked softly.

"Okay."

I ran my hand up her thigh and around to her ass, squeezing it once. I pushed my hand underneath her shirt and brought it back around and up, until it was brushing the underside of her bra. I slid my hand over her bra until I was cupping her in my hand. She let out this half sigh, half moan, and I lost it. I dug my fingers into her skin and wrapped my other hand around her back to support her as I stood and flipped her onto the couch. She let out a squeak, but that was the only noise she got out before I was kissing her.

I reached down and pushed her shirt up until her tits were exposed and ripped her bra down. I looked at her as I slid down her body, her eyes locked with mine. I flicked out my tongue and drug it slowly across her nipple, causing her to gasp and arch her back.

"You like that, don't you?" I taunted. I brought my mouth back down and sucked her nipple into my mouth, biting down and scraping my teeth against her skin.

"Less talking and more of that," she hissed, her chest heaving, voice gritty.

"What about this?" I asked as I moved my hand to the button of her jeans and tugged.

"Yup, that too. Get them off, right the fuck now."

"Fuck." I groaned and pulled until the button popped.

I wrapped my fingers around the top of her jeans and yanked until the zipper split. I grabbed both sides at her hips and rolled them down her legs as she twisted and turned, kicking her legs free.

I dropped them to the floor as I stood over her. She was wearing grey panties that looked like men's underwear, and her sweater was still pushed up to her neck. I leaned over her, our eyes locked as I gathered the material of the shirt and tugged it over her head.

I pushed up and stared down at her wearing nothing but her bra and panties. Motherfucker, she was smokin'. Her legs were long and smooth, her stomach flat, her waist curved in slightly and her tits were fucking perfect. Not those huge fake fucking things, but real and soft.

She slid her hand across her stomach and drummed her fingers over her belly button. I looked at her face, a smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth.

"You gonna just stand there and stare? Make me take care of this myself?" She sassed, like the smart ass she was.

"No fucking way." I laughed and pulled my shirt over my head.

I licked my lips and crawled over her, reaching around her back and popping the clasp of her bra.

I braced myself with one hand by her head as I pulled her straps down. I let my fingers glide over the top of her bra and down to the middle and hooked my finger underneath before pulling it slowly down her chest until it was laying against her stomach.

"Damn," I whispered, my eyes sweeping over her chest. I leaned down and pulled her nipple in my mouth, my hand gliding down her side to the top of her panties. I slid a finger under the elastic and ran it back and forth before pushing my hand fully under the material and cupping her.

My fingers curled in and pressed against her, the tip of my finger slipping between her lips.

Her pussy was wet and smooth and I couldn't wait to be buried deep inside. I curled my middle finger up, sliding between her lips and brushing against her clit. She jerked and let out a low moan as I circled my finger a couple of times, pressing down a little harder each time. I turned my head to watch what I was doing and noticed her balled fists at her sides, her toes curled, feet flexed.

"Do you want me to fuck you with my fingers?" I asked lowly, turning my head back towards her and flicking her nipple with my tongue.

"Your fingers…tongue…cock," she panted. "I'm not all that picky right now."

My eyes rolled back in my head, a groan slipping from my throat as she reached up and fisted my hair in her hands, pulling my mouth to hers. She opened her mouth, her tongue assaulting mine as I slid my fingers down and slipped one inside her slick pussy.

I moved in and out of her a couple of times before adding a second finger. I could feel her walls pushing against the intrusion, slowly stretching. I twisted my hand until my thumb rested against her clit and pressed down. Her muscles tightened, her teeth biting down on my bottom lip.

She shifted her arm and in one swift move her hand had pushed past my jeans, her fingers wrapping around my dick. I squeezed my eyes shut, my dick throbbing and leaking as her thumb rubbed over the head.

"Fuck." I hissed through my teeth. I leaned back a little and unbuttoned my jeans, shoving them down my hips so she could move her hand easier as I continued to fuck her with my fingers, harder; faster.

She started chewing on her bottom lip, her movements jerky.

"Like this?" I asked, my thumb pushing against her clit while my fingers curled up inside of her.

"Harder…just a little…more," she panted.

Her hand gripped my dick harder, stroking me faster. Her legs fell open wider, her hips tilting up taking my fingers deeper inside.

"Yes…that," she moaned.

"Fuck," I gasped, my stomach starting to burn as my balls tightened. "Close?" She needed to be close, because I was about to fucking come all over her stomach.

"Almost."

I brushed my nose over her nipple before pulling it between my teeth and biting.

"Oh, God," she cried as she clamped down on me like a fucking vice. Her back arched, her hand twisting at the perfect fucking moment because I saw stars as I pulsed in her hand, come shooting all over her stomach.

I dropped down bedside her, pulling my hand from her underwear. I slid my arm under her neck and pulled her to me and kissed her temple as I tried to catch my breath. She hummed and lifted her head slightly, looking down at her stomach.

"You just came on my stomach," she accused, her nose wrinkling.

"And you just came on my fingers," I retorted.

She eyed me for a second, before a small grin pulled at the corners of her mouth.

"Touché." She nodded with a chuckle.

"How about I grab you a towel?" I asked, sitting up.

"Okay," she said, stretching.

I ran down the hall and cleaned myself quickly and washed my hands before pulling my jeans the rest of the way up. I grabbed a towel, wetting one end, before moving down the hall and back to the couch. I leaned over her and wiped the towel across her stomach, trying to clean my fucking mess up.

"Thanks," she mumbled.

My hand stilled over her. What the fuck was I doing? I didn't do this shit. "Here, I'll let you finish up," I said, thrusting the towel into her hand. I rubbed my face harshly, my brain finally catching up with what the fuck had just happened. This was so fucking bad.

I heard Bella speaking but I couldn't make out the words, my stomach churning with… something.

"So is that cool?" she asked, snapping me from my thoughts.

"Yeah, sure. That's fine," I answered, hoping that was the appropriate answer.

"So we'll meet them at eight tomorrow night since I'm leaving as soon as I turn in my paper on Monday," she stated.

"Wait. What?" I asked confused. What in the hell had I just agreed to?

She eyed me for a second, her lips pursed. "I said, my cousin Jasper wants to meet you. And that we could hang out with them before I left," she said pulling on her shirt. "Is that not okay?"

"No that's fine," I answered, not having the energy to come up with an excuse for why I couldn't meet her cousin. This was becoming too much.

"You're being weird."

I snapped my head to her. "What? I'm not being weird."

"Yes, you are," she argued, her hand going to her hip. "You're not listening to anything I'm saying and, to be honest, you're acting a little fucking shady right now. So, I'm going to ask you again. What's going on, Edward?"

Her eyes burned into mine and I was reminded of how she acted when we first met, so guarded and feisty. Just like she was acting right now. I didn't want her to think anything was wrong until I got this shit worked out in my head, I had to stay in control of the situation.

I walked over and grabbed her arm, tugging her to me. She scowled, which only caused me to chuckle.

"Okay, I'm lying. I am being weird." She opened her mouth to speak, but I raised my finger and pressed it against her lips and shook my head.

"First," I drawled, my eyes running the length of her body, "you still don't have any pants on. It's very distracting. And second, that's the first orgasm I've had that I didn't give myself in months. I'm allowed to be a little slow. You should take it as a compliment," I added, leaning down and kissing her softly.

"You're sure?"

"Promise," I insisted like the liar I was.

Later that night as I laid in bed, I couldn't stop replaying what I'd said to her over and over again in my head. Promise. I promised. And I'd lied-again. I tried to remember the person that I was before, the guy who opened doors for his mom, bought stupid ties for his dad, and let his brother's girlfriend cheat at checkers.

That guy was nowhere to be found these days. Of course, that guy didn't walk in on his best friend and girlfriend fucking. I balled my fists and pressed them tightly against my eyes until white spots flashed and blurred. I didn't sleep at all.

By the time I dragged myself out of bed the next day I only had an hour to get ready, call Bella to find out where we were going, and then get there. After a quick shower I grabbed my phone and shot her a text, asking where we were meeting while I brushed my teeth. A minute later my phone buzzed.

**Gameworks at Pike & 7th. Jasper still thinks he can beat me at basketball. See you then. -Bella**

I gripped the sides of the sink and let my head fall against the mirror. Somewhere, someone was laughing their ass off at me. Gameworks, of all the fucking places. I pushed off the sink and walked out of the bathroom.

Jake would be there, of this I had no fucking doubt. If there wasn't a frat party to drink at or a pussy to fall into, Jake was always at Gameworks on Saturday nights. I stopped short outside of the apartment. Why in the fuck did I_ not_ want to see him? I shook my head, this was getting ridiculous.

I walked through the doors a few minutes past eight. Bella, a tall blonde guy, and a tiny fucking speck of a girl stood in a circle, talking. I drew in a deep breath and made my way over to them.

"Hey," I said, shoving a hand in my pocket.

Bella turned around and grinned at me. "Hey. Edward this is Jasper and Alice," she said, pointing at each of them. I smiled and reached out, shaking Jasper's hand then Alice's.

"Hey, man, nice to meet you. Bella's told us nothing about you," he added with a grin.

"Sure she has." Alice laughed, cutting her eyes to Jasper with a small smirk on her face before adding. "Just not to you."

"Ah," he said slowly, raising his brow at me. "Well then I probably wouldn't want to know anyway."

I laughed and nodded. I knew how girls fucking talked. If she'd talked to Alice and not Jasper about me she was sharing things that he wouldn't be interested in.

I pulled Bella to my side and leaned down brushing my lips against her ear. "Have you been telling Alice dirty things about me, Bella?" I taunted lowly.

"Shut up." She laughed, smacking my arm. I chuckled and kissed the top of her head before turning back to Alice and Jasper.

"So, do you guys want to grab some food and drinks, or just play some games?" I asked, scanning the room quickly.

"Drinks for sure," Alice cut in. "But we ate earlier so Jasper wouldn't have to wait for Bella to start kicking his ass."

"Woman, quit trying to make me look bad," Jasper scolded with a smile on his face. Alice rolled her eyes and grabbed Bella's hand.

"We're getting drinks. You guys…do whatever it is that guys to," she said flippantly, waving her hand.

"Well, that wasn't awkward at all," I joked. Jasper laughed and shook his head.

"One is bad enough, but you get the both of them together…it's just a big pile of smart ass."

I laughed, hard. "God, don't tell me yours is as bad as mine. I don't think I could handle it."

"Oh yes, get ready, mine is definitely as bad as yours."

It took two seconds for his words to register, and two more to remember why he'd said it. I felt sick; she wasn't mine, not really.

"Alright, Stalker, your ass in mine." Bella broke in, handing me a beer. Mine. But not. I wasn't hers, either. I was an asshole. And at that moment, I hated myself a little bit.

"Are you gonna try and beat me at basketball, too?" I choked out, my words thick and stuck in my throat.

"You can count on it."

We played for the next couple of hours, and she really did beat my ass. I'd planned on letting her win, but when she scored seventy points on the first game I knew I was fucked. I slid behind and wrapped my arms around her waist and kissed the side of her neck, the six beers I'd had making me feel relaxed.

"You don't show any mercy do you?" I asked against her ear.

She laughed and turned in my arms, hers wrapping around my waist. "Oh, but I did. I usually score over one hundred."

"You little hustler," I accused, my arms tightening around her. She hummed and popped up on her toes and kissed me. My mind flashed back to yesterday as my hands slipped down and palmed her ass, squeezing.

"I like you, man, but if you could save that shit for when I don't have to see it…it'd be appreciated," Jasper drawled with a chuckle.

"Like you haven't made my eyes bleed more than once," Bella snipped, scrunching up her face. Whatever she was remembering, it wasn't pleasant.

"Yeah, yeah." He looked at me and pointed at her. "Smart ass. Like I said."

I laughed and nodded my head in agreement.

"Hey, Jake," Alice yelled from beside Jasper.

My head snapped up, my eyes meeting Jake's angry glare. Bella was whispering something to Alice that I couldn't hear, but no doubt was informing her of my less than friendly relationship with Jake.

"Hey," he answered without looking at her. His eyes were dead set on me. Bella shifted beside me, drawing his attention to her. I watched as his features softened, a small smile on his face.

"Hey, Bella," he said quietly.

She shuffled from foot to foot before looking up at him. "Hey, Jake, how've you been?"

"Good. Busy," he answered. And, motherfucker, this shit was awkward. Jasper cleared his throat and looked over at Bella.

"We've gotta get going. Are you still leaving for Uncle Charlie's tomorrow?" he asked.

"Yeah, I am. Actually we should probably get going, too," she added looking at me. "I still need to pack."

I nodded my head and kept my eyes on her, Jasper, and Alice while everyone said goodbye to Jake and each other. I couldn't look at him. Couldn't stand to see the look of judgment in his eyes. He may have fucked me over, but what I was doing right now? I was so much fucking worse.

"Well, that was rather unpleasant," Alice muttered as we all walked outside. I couldn't have agreed more.

After Jasper and Alice left, Bella and I walked to the bus stop.

"So, I got you a little something for Christmas," Bella said, digging through her purse. I opened my mouth to protest but she raised her hand to stop me. "It's not much, I just saw it and thought of you," she added quietly.

I stood in front of her, my jaw clenched, acid churning in my stomach as she pulled out a small box and handed it to me.

"You have to open it," she blurted out. "Because I won't see you…on Christmas. So, yeah…" she trailed off.

I smiled tightly and pulled the top off the box. I felt like I was going to fucking disintegrate right where I stood as a million different emotions pushed and pulled, fighting for dominance inside of me.

Inside of the box was a magnifying glass, the handle a brushed silver, an inscription engraved into the side. I pulled it closer, my eyes adjusting to the dim light.

"No crime is so great as daring to excel," I whispered, unable to speak any louder.

"Winston Churchill. That's the quote. I know you probably think it's stupid. But yeah, I just... saying something would be great right about now," she huffed.

"Thank you. It's awesome. I love it." I pulled her to me and kissed her. I wanted to kiss away all of the wrongs I'd ever done to her. I wanted to go back to the day I first saw her and turn my head away instead of chasing her.

In all the years I'd been with Maggie, _never_ had she bought something that was about just me or something I was interested in. It had always been something she would benefit from as well. And if I had any doubt about what I had to do...about what Bella deserved, it was gone now.

"I got you something, too," I said softly, brushing my thumb across her cheek. I had no idea why I'd told her about the gift.

"You wanna give it to me when I get back?" she asked, smiling.

"Yeah. I can do that." I swallowed around the lump in my throat as I told her the last lie I'd ever tell her.

The bus pulled up behind us. "This is me," she said before pressing her lips against mine. "See you soon. Merry Christmas, Stalker."

"Merry Christmas, Bella."

I watched as she climbed onto the bus before turning and heading to my own stop. My feet heavy, my head throbbing, and my stomach…felt like I'd just been punched.

_December 20, 2010_

_I wanted to break up with her today. It has to happen, I can't do this anymore. But to break up with her right before Christmas? Yeah, I think I've fucked her over enough, no need to add insult to injury. But when we get back here after break…it's done. Over. She deserves at least that._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Yeah...that just happened. Meg, Julie, and Amber put in a group effort with this mofo. Without them I'd go play in traffic. Kelly continues to be my co-conspirator/pre reader/brainstorm partner/person who threatens me daily. Thanks for that.**

**I did review replies for everyone that I got a review from, but ffn is probably holding them hostage. If I missed you I am so sorry, it wasn't intentional, FFN hates us all!**

**And last but by no means least, RoseArcadia made me a blinkie for PtD. I died a little at how freaking awesome it is. Like seriously, if you haven't seen it, go to her blog. So this chapter was for her, since she put a little spice in the blinkie, I felt she deserved to see a little in this chapter. Thank you Rose, seriously. You get the next one first bb.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	12. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>He who thinks he is raising a mound may only in reality be digging a pit. ~Ernest Bramah<em>

**Chapter Eleven**

It had never bothered me that my bedroom at my parents house looked the same since the day I'd moved away for college. But today, as I laid on my old bed, surrounded by all of the reminders of who I used to be? It made me want to rip every poster off the wall, smash every picture on the shelf, and break every memento from my past.

I picked up the box laying beside me, my fingers twisting and turning it over and over again. I inspected it like it had answers to questions I didn't even know how to ask. I felt tired and drained, but the underlying anxiety that continued to build in the pit of my stomach kept my mind racing even as my body sagged.

I opened the box and pulled the silver bracelet out, the gun charm swaying slightly. I had no idea why I'd brought it home with me, it wasn't like she was here, or I was ever going to give it to her. Still, I couldn't stop myself from snatching it up at the last minute when I left the apartment.

"Whatcha got there?" Mom asked, causing me to jump, the bracelet flying out of my hand.

"Shit." I gasped, sitting up quickly and scooping it off the floor. But it was too late, she'd already seen it.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure. Yeah," I answered, scooting over so she could sit down.

"Is that for Bella?" she asked, nodding at my closed fist.

"Yeah," I mumbled, my eyes cast down.

"Edward." she sighed, shifting on the bed to face me. "What's going on with you? You have been so different the last couple of times I've seen you. First you were angry, then at Thanksgiving you were so distracted, and now...now you just seem run down. It's killing me that I can't help you."

My back hunched over as my head sank into my hands, my elbows propped on my knees; the bracelet still clutched in my right fist.

"Have you ever done something you were so fucking sure about? Something that in your mind was no doubt completely justifiable, only to realize later that maybe you made a mistake?" I asked quietly.

"Because I'm happy you're actually talking to me...I'm going to ignore your language. And to answer your question," she said, taking a deep breath, "I think at some point in our lives, we've all made decisions, that at the time seem like a good idea, only to realize later they weren't. What you do to fix it...that's what matters."

I nodded. "I'm sorry I've been such an asshole lately," I muttered, looking at the soft smile on her face.

She reached her hand up and brushed the hair from my forehead. "What you do to fix it is what matters," she repeated, standing from the bed.

I swallowed thickly, a lump suddenly lodged in my throat. "I know what I have to do...I just have a feeling it's going to be a lot harder than I thought."

"It usually is," she agreed. "Come downstairs when you're ready, we'll have dinner soon."

"Okay. Thanks, Mom."

I fell back against my bed and stared at the ceiling. Should I tell her the truth or just make it a clean break? Which would hurt less; telling her I was using her to get back at Jake, or I just wasn't interested in her anymore? If I told her I wasn't interested in her, then I'd be lying, and I was really sick of being a liar.

I was also a fucking coward. After meeting Charlie, Alice, and Jasper and having her open up the way she had..._fuck_. I didn't want to hurt her like that. I had made a fucking mess of everything.

I put the bracelet back in the box and pushed up from the bed. Sitting in my room alone wasn't going to change anything. I'd wait until I got back to Seattle to deal with the fucking mess I'd made.

I walked down the stairs and into the living room, Rose and Emmett were both on their computers, and Dad was watching the news. I crossed over to the empty chair and sank down, my eyes forward on the television. I wasn't sure exactly why I felt so uncomfortable all of a sudden, but I did. I was about to head in the kitchen and check on Mom when my phone vibrated. I pulled it from my pocket, grinning when I saw it was a text from Bella.

**Would beating someone with a fish be considered assault with a deadly weapon? -Bella**

I opened the picture she had attached, and then doubled over laughing. By the time I'd finally caught my breath, my sides hurt, my face was hot, and everyone in the room was staring at me. I cleared my throat and rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly.

"Well I'm going to assume that Bella didn't just send you naked pictures with that reaction, so tell us, what was it?" Emmett asked, chuckling.

I waited for Rose to smack him, or Mom to scold him, or Dad to to give him that withering glare he was famous for, but none of that happened. Instead they all just stared at me expectantly. I shook my head, I couldn't even think of a smart ass remark to say as I looked down at the picture again. I leaned over and passed it to Rose, who started giggling immediately.

"Who do you think took this?" she asked, still laughing.

"I have no idea, maybe her cousin Jasper, or his girlfriend Alice." I answered. There was certainly no way she had taken the picture.

"Well, what is it?" Dad asked impatiently, eyeing my phone with a small grin on his face.

I jerked my head back, a little shocked that he was actually interested in seeing the picture. Then I remembered I wasn't always an asshole, and Dad and I used to actually be close.

"It's Bella with her dad. He sitting at someone's kitchen table, trying to appear innocent, and Bella..." I trailed off, unable to stop myself from laughing again. "Bella is standing over him with the scariest bitchface I've ever seen, holding four huge fish in her hands. She looks like she's about to beat him with them."

"Don't forget about the big pile on the kitchen table, too," Emmett added, passing my phone over to Mom. She walked over to Dad and the two of them looked at the picture, matching grins on their faces.

"She looks like she has some fire," Dad commented with a grin as he reached across the coffee table and handed me the phone.

"You have no idea," I mumbled.

"She definitely keeps him in check." Rose laughed. "I've seen it."

I opened the text and typed out a reply.

**Not if you dispose of said weapon. Destroy the evidence. What exactly are you doing with all those fish anyway? -Edward**

"Okay, dinner's ready. Edward, will you help me carry the dishes to the table?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, sure."

I followed her into the kitchen while everyone else moved into the dining room. I'd just reached for a couple of plates when she grabbed my arm.

"It's good to see you smile again," she said softly. "I'm not trying to have a heart to heart with you, so don't get all defensive. I just wanted to say I'm glad you've found someone that can make you smile." She squeezed my arm and let go, moving around me to grab dinner and carry it into the dining room.

I turned and braced my arms against the counter top as I took a deep breath. I let my eyes slide shut as I tried to take another deep breath, but my chest was so tight, constricted. My phone vibrated in my pocket again, but I didn't move to get it. I knew it was from Bella, and I needed a minute to get my shit together.

"Edward, you coming?" Mom asked, popping her head around the corner.

"Yup. Be right there." I grabbed the rest of the dishes and moved into the dining room, setting everything down and sliding into my seat.

Everyone around me chatted and laughed as they filled their plates. But I was distracted, my phone felt as if it was a time bomb, like if I didn't take it out and read her message _right now_ it would explode._ I_ would explode. It had only been two days since I'd seen her...and I fucking _missed _her. I wasn't supposed to miss her. I wasn't supposed to laugh at pictures of her and smile when I thought about something she'd said or done. But I did.

I yanked my phone out of my pocket, pissed that I couldn't even wait until I was in my room before checking it.

**Charlie and Jasper went fishing! Who fishes in this weather? He wants me to cook them for dinner..Christmas dinner, Edward. I have an idea of where to dispose them... -Bella**

"You've got it bad dude," Emmett chuckled from across the table.

"What?" I snapped.

"You're face...that goofy grin...you're so screwed."

"Emmett that's enough." Mom scolded. "Leave your brother alone. Let's eat."

I swung my head in her direction in surprise, but she just waved me off and dug into her food. She started up a conversation with Rose, chattering about who knows what, while Dad and Emmett talked about classes, effectively taking the attention away from me. I stared down at my plate, suddenly not very hungry. But I ate what I could, jumping in conversations every now and then until it was okay for me to leave the table without gaining suspicion.

I trudged up the stairs and stripped to my boxers, falling face first onto my bed. I winced, rolling to my side when something sharp jabbed into my stomach. I grabbed the box I'd left on my bed earlier and tossed it onto my nightstand before wrapping my arms around my pillow and pushing my face into it in frustration.

I wanted the blackness to swallow me whole, so I could forget this entire fucking mess I'd created. My phone buzzed again and I groaned, my arm reaching off the bed to my pants and pulling my phone out. I clutched it in my hand for a minute before lifting my head to peek at the screen.

**What are you doing? -Bella**

I typed out a quick reply.

**I'm figuring out how to bust you out when you're arrested for assault with a dead fish. -Edward**

I stared at my phone for a second, my thumb hovering over the send button before I exhaled a harsh breath. _Fuck it_. I had one more week of contact with her before I never spoke to her again. I might as well enjoy talking to her while I could.

I thumbed through my contacts and pressed send on her name without giving it a second thought. I was a selfish motherfucker for calling her, but really, that seemed par for the course for me these days.

"Hey," she answered, a smile in her voice.

I felt my own lips curve up into a grin as I leaned back against the headboard and stretched out on my bed.

"Hey."

"So how's being home? Are Emmett and Rose behaving?"

"Of course they aren't," I scoffed, "but at least they aren't expecting fish for Christmas dinner either."

She huffed into the phone, "If it weren't for Alice...well let's just say I might need you to seriously consider that plan to bust me out of jail."

I laughed and felt my shoulders slump and relax as the tension slowly leaked from my body. We talked until my phone beeped alerting me the battery was about to die, then talked until it was burning my cheek after I plugged it into the charger.

And the next day we did the same, talking well into the night. We talked about nothing and everything, my guilt for not knowing these little things about her, tempered only by my new found desire to know them now.

We'd been on the phone for a couple of hours when a yawn escaped my mouth. I was exhausted, my eyes tired, and my cheeks sore from the constant smile stretched across my face.

"Merry Christmas," she mumbled, her voice thick with fatigue.

I glanced at the clock, the red glowing numbers reading twelve o'clock. It was officially Christmas. "Merry Christmas," I echoed quietly, the box beside the clock mocking me.

I yawned again, this one more forced than the last. "I better try and get some sleep, I'll be lucky if Rose lets me sleep past five."

"Yikes." she giggled. "Lucky for me, Alice and Jasper sleep like the dead, I'll probably be up before either of them."

"I have no idea what that would feel like." I sighed, dragging a hand over my face.

"Get some rest. I'll talk to you later?" she asked.

"Of course. Goodnight, Bella."

"Night," she said softly and disconnected the call.

I slid down the bed and pulled the comforter over my head as sleep tugged me under. A smile pulled at the corner of my mouth, my last conscious thought of Bella...having fish for Christmas dinner.

The next morning went exactly as expected. Rose flew into my room, pouncing on the bed like the little freak she was. But I couldn't be angry with her, no more than I normally was, since this was something she'd done for as long as I could remember.

I groggily rolled out of bed, barely steady on my feet, before a Santa hat was planted on my head and Rose was clinging to my back like a damn spider monkey. I stumbled forward, cursing, as my foot caught on the corner of the rug.

"Smile," Emmett yelled. I jerked upright, the flash from his camera momentarily blinding me.

"Damn, guys," I choked. "Gimmie a second to get my shit together before you ambush me."

"Oh hush. Get a move on," Rose laughed, knocking her heels against my thighs, like I was a damn horse. I shook my head and hoisted her higher, following Emmett down the hall.

We spent most of the morning opening gifts and hanging out. It was just like the Christmas' before, but without the tension of Maggie's presence. As things started to calm down, I became all too aware that I was the only one here alone.

It made me think of Bella, wondering what she was doing right now. Was she opening gifts? Eating breakfast? Or did she have some other tradition for Christmas morning? But most of all...I thought about how much I fucking missed her.

Talking to her like I had over the last few days, just relaxing and letting whatever happened happen, had to be one of the stupidest things I'd ever done. And that was saying something these days. Because now...now I was way more attached than I was a month ago, even a week ago.

As the next few days faded into one another, I felt my mood darken. I tried to stay engaged with my family, but Mom wasn't fooled. I'd catch her looking at me, concern etched in her features. But what could I say? Hey Mom, sorry to be such a killjoy, I'm just a little fucked up over the fact I'm going to break up with my fake girlfriend in a couple of days. Yeah, not fucking likely.

And Bella? She wasn't fucking stupid either. But she also wasn't here to read my expression or see my face, so I was able to play it off that I'd come down with something. It was New Year's Eve when I finally snapped.

"What do you mean you're going back to Seattle?" Mom asked in disbelief.

I shoved my clothes roughly in my bag, not bothering to turn around and face her. "It means exactly what I said," I shot back. "I'm going home."

"But what about the party? I don't understand, Edward." she said, her voice heavy, tired.

I stopped packing and drew in a huge breath, straightening my shoulders as I turned to face her.

"I have no interest staying at a party where I'll sit alone in the corner, drinking whiskey, and listening to a bunch of old ladies reminisce about when I was a baby and they changed my diapers. No thanks." I shook my head and turned back to my bags, shoving the rest of my clothes inside and zipping it up.

I hefted it over my shoulder and let my eyes sweep over the room to see if there was anything I was forgetting. My eyes landed on the box beside my clock; the box holding a charm bracelet for a girl who'd never see it.

My jaw clenched as my stomach knotted and twisted. My entire body tingled like thousands of ants were crawling on me, biting and pinching. I shot a glance at Mom, who also was now staring at the box. But instead of a clenched jaw, thinned lips, and narrowed eyes like me, she had a soft smile on her face, her eyes filled with...something.

"You miss her," she said softy. "You're going to see Bella aren't you?"

I gaped at her, what the fuck was she talking about?

"Why didn't you just say you wanted to spend New Year's with her instead of all this brooding. Everyone would've understood," she chuckled. Wait. What?

Oh my fuck. It took everything in me not to roll my eyes. She thought I was leaving because I wanted to spend New Year's with Bella. If I wasn't wound so tight I would have laughed. Seeing Bella was the last fucking thing I wanted to do. Because, I knew the next time I saw Bella, would also be the last, and that was something I wanted to prolong for as long as fucking possible.

I nodded my head and crossed the room to stand in front of her. "Sorry I didn't handle it very well. Thank you for understanding," I said, wrapping my arms around her and squeezing her tight.

"Be careful, okay?"

"Yup."

I walked downstairs and into the living room where Dad, Emmett, and Rose were hanging the final decorations. They all looked at me with matching expression, which I assumed meant they'd already discussed their own theories as to why I was leaving. Whatever. They could believe what they wanted, as long as it got me out of this house without a confrontation, I was fine.

"Drive safe," Dad said, pulling me into a hug.

"Thanks," I mumbled, caught off guard by the tightness of his embrace and his whispered words that he loved me in my ear.

"Have fun bro," Emmett said, bumping his fist against mine.

I nodded, as Rose stepped away from Emmett and threw her arms around my neck. "I hate you so much for leaving me with all these old people and their prune juice stained teeth," she whispered in my ear, causing me to bark out a laugh.

She stepped back, a devilish grin on her face before adding, "Have fun, Stalker."

My mouth dropped open in surprise as she doubled over laughing. It seems Rose and Bella had gotten much more cozy than I'd realized. Fantastic.

"Stalker?" Emmett asked, looking between the two of us.

"You can explain that one," I said, pointing at Rose. "I've gotta get going." I was almost out the door when Mom yelled my name and came running down the stairs.

"Here," she said, thrusting a box into my hand. The box. "You forgot this."

"Thanks," I mumbled, not thankful at all. I'd left it on purpose so I wouldn't be tempted to give it to her when I saw her. Not that she wouldn't throw it right back in my face as soon as I broke things off with her. My stomach twisted again and I suddenly felt nauseous. I had to get out of here before they noticed and tried to convince me to stay.

I spun on my heel and walked over to my car, throwing my bag in the backseat. As soon as I was seated in the car and driving away, I finally let the emotions I'd been holding inside for the past week, out. I cursed, yelled, and punched the steering wheel until I felt the skin over my knuckle split and warm blood ran down my hand.

By the time I reached our apartment it was already dark, which suited my mood perfectly. The three hours in the car had done nothing for my state of mind, and the more I thought about breaking up with Bella- of not seeing her again...the sicker I felt.

I pushed through the front door and walked straight to the kitchen, pulling down the first bottle of liquor I could find. It didn't matter what it was, as long as it dulled and blurred the edges, made me forget...that's all I gave a fuck about.

I moved to the living room and dropped down onto the couch, my bag landing on the floor beside me, the box shoved into the side pocket just as fucking mocking as ever. I still hadn't spoken to Bella since I made the decision to come back to Seattle. If she knew I was coming back, would she have come back as well? I felt that all too familiar flip in my stomach when I thought about having her here...with me.

I twisted the top off the bottle and turned it up, the liquid leaving a trail of fire in it's wake, as it traveled down my throat. My eyes slid shut as I tipped the bottle back once more, taking two long pulls before slamming the bottom against my thigh and gasping for air.

Images flashed through my mind like a kaleidoscope, the first time we met, our first date, kiss, the first time I touched her. I groaned, my head falling to the back of the couch, as I tried to block out the more intimate details. But the memories kept coming, all of our coffee dates, meeting her father, her family, my family...how the fuck had I let her into every fucking part of my life so carelessly? I was supposed to be in control, I was supposed...I was supposed to do a lot of fucking things that never happened, and never would.

I felt the warmth from the alcohol begin to spread through my body, as my hand slackened its grip on the bottle. I grabbed the remote and flipped on the television, not that I planned on watching, but the constant silence left too much space in my head.

I had no idea how long I'd been on the couch, only that the almost full bottle now sat empty on my coffee table and something, somewhere, was pounding like a jackhammer. I sat up, my bleary eyes squinting at the clock that read eleven fifteen. Fuck, why was I awake?

The pounding started again, and I realized it was someone knocking on the door. I stumbled from the couch, sliding my hand against the wall as I crossed over to the front door. I jerked it open, having no idea who the fuck would be banging on the door this time of night, and New Year's Eve no less.

"Jesus, Edward, are you okay?" Bella asked, her eyes wide.

I blinked. Bella? _Bella_. What the motherfuck was Bella doing at my door? And why did I care? She was here. I reached out and pulled her into the apartment, my lips crashing against hers as I hugged her _so fucking tight_.

She pushed against my shoulders until I loosened my grip a little, but only just. Her brows were pulled down, as her eyes darted around my face, looking for what, I had no idea.

"Why are you drunk?" she asked quietly, her hand slicking my hair away from my face.

"I'm ringing in the New Year," I slurred, my tongue swollen, thick.

"Alone?" she asked, arching her brow.

"Not anymore." I smiled.

"Why didn't you call and tell me you were coming home?" she asked, leading me to the couch.

"Because I don't want us to break up," I answered honestly.

She stopped walking, causing me to bump into her back. Her shoulders were stiff, her movements slow as she turned around to face me.

"Why would we break up?" she asked evenly.

"Because I'm a shitty boyfriend," I answered, looking her straight in the eye.

Confusion was clear on her face, her mouth opened and closed a few times, obviously unsure of how to respond to my confession.

"Let me rephrase that," she said, taking a step away from me, "_are_ you breaking up with me?"

Like a fucking veil being lifted, my mind cleared and I realized what the fuck I'd just said. She stared at me unblinking, her expression unreadable, while I stood silently in front of her, scrambling for words.

"Bella, I-"

She shook her head, her hand shooting out in front of her. "Don't. I don't need excuses. I don't _want_ excuses. I don't understand whats happened, but I've learned in the past that knowing the answers doesn't change the outcome." She wouldn't look at me, her eyes focused over my shoulder, on the front door.

"What-" Panic shot through my body, what had I done? She was leaving? No. She couldn't leave.

Yes. Yes, this is what I wanted. She needed to leave. It was done and I didn't even have to say anything.

No. _No, no, no_. Fuck that. Goosebumps erupted all over my body as my stomach twisted painfully. My skin felt restricting, too tight. My chest clinched painfully, the air trapped in my lungs was thick, suffocating. I felt like I was fucking drowning.

Adrenaline coursed through my veins, burning the alcohol infused with my blood, as my eyes cleared and my mind pushed away the haze. I was the most horrible, selfish motherfucker in the world, because I realized at that moment, there was no way I was letting her go.

I reached out my hand, gently pressing it into her chest to stop her from walking any further past me.

"Bella, wait."

"No, Edward. Like I said, I don't need excuses."

I slid in front of her, cupping her chin and tilting her face up so I could look at her. Her eyes were shining, her face and neck flushed.

"I'm not breaking up with you; you crazy, beautiful girl." I smiled softly, as she pulled her head back slightly to look at me fully.

"But you said..." she trailed off.

I slid my hand down her arm until I reached her hand and hooked my pinky around hers.

"I said I was a shitty boyfriend. I said nothing about being a saint. I'm far too selfish to do the right thing and let you go, so you can find someone who deserves you." I tugged her hand, pulling her behind me to the living room.

"So," she paused, "you're _not_ breaking up with me?"

"No," I chuckled, feeling like shit for the secrets I knew I'd continue to keep from her. But the alternative...it just wasn't an option.

"And apparently you're my _boyfriend_?" She asked with a grin.

"Yes." I answered, realizing we'd never discussed what we were to each other beyond dating. "If that's okay with you?"

"Yeah, I can handle that," she chuckled. "So, since I'm your girlfriend, do you want to explain to me why you're a shitty boyfriend? And while you're at it, you can explain why you didn't bother to tell me you were coming back to Seattle." She sat down on the couch, pulling me with her and turning to face me, one arm propped on the back of the couch, her other hand still holding onto mine.

Shit. Think fast, Cullen. Why did I drink all of that fucking liquor?

I scooted closer to her on the couch, licking my lips-stalling. My eyes fell to the floor, my bag catching my eye, the box with her bracelet inside sticking out of the side. I breathed out a sigh, part relief, part disgust because I was _.lying_.

I leaned over and pulled the box out, pressing it into the palm of her hand holding mine. "I'm a shitty boyfriend because I got you a gift, and it's not nearly as awesome as the one you got me. And I didn't tell you I was coming back, because I didn't want you to feel obligated to come here and spend New Year's with me, instead of with your family. So I just..." I trailed off.

"You just came here and drank yourself into a drunken stupor." she offered, like the helpful little smart ass she was. Just the way I liked her.

I shrugged my shoulders and looked down at our hands before it hit me that she was here...when she should have been at her dad's.

"How did you know I was here?"

"Rose. She called and said you were acting all weird and were coming home. I tried calling you a couple of times but decided to just come back here and see you."

I didn't bother to ask why she and Rose were talking. It didn't matter. She was here, with me, and as much as I'd denied it...it was exactly what I wanted.

"Open it," I said, nudging her hand.

She popped the top open, a huge smile breaking across her face as a giggle slipped past her lips.

"Do you like it?" I asked, my mouth dry, my palms sweaty.

"I love it," she answered, pulling it from the box. "Will you help?" She motioned towards her wrist as she held out the bracelet to me. I took it from her and wrapped it around her wrist, fastening the clasps. She lifted her arm and twisted her wrist back and forth, the charm swinging from side to side.

"I'm glad you're here," I whispered, so fucking relieved that nothing about that statement was a lie.

"Me too."

She leaned forward, her lips pressing against mine, soft, slow.

"It's almost midnight," she sighed, her lips brushing against mine.

"Are you tired?"

"Yeah, a little."

"Will you stay?" I rushed out. Now that she was here, and I was finally admitting what I felt for her had nothing to do with anyone other than her, there was no fucking way she was leaving this apartment.

"Yes." She smiled and rose to her feet.

"Where are you going?"

She reached in her pocket and pulled out a small shiny square, flicking it at me. I looked down at what I now realized was a condom, my head immediately snapping back to her face.

"Can you think of a better way to ring in the New Year?" She asked, backing down the hall towards my bedroom.

I smiled at her, my heart pounding in my chest. "But I've been drinking, Bella. Are you really going to take advantage of a drunk person?" I asked lowly, reaching for the hem of my shirt and pulling it over my head, then dropping it to the floor.

"Absolutely," she said laughing as she reached down and pulled her own shirt off and threw it at me.

I caught it with one hand and stood, tossing it over my shoulder. "Oh Bella, I'm too willing to be taken advantage of," I taunted.

"Are you sure you're willing? I was beginning to wonder if everything down there worked with as little effort as you've used to get into my pants lately." She smirked.

My mouth dropped open before I narrowed my eyes as her. "You're gonna pay for that," I chuckled, sprinting down the hall.

She let out a squeak and turned to run, but I was already in front of her. I bent my knees and flipped her over my shoulder, as I and carried her to my bedroom, her body shaking with laughter. She reached down and pinched my ass causing me to jerk forward.

I raised my hand and smacked her ass. "Behave." I laughed, flipping her back over my shoulder and onto the bed. She bounced a couple of times, her face flushed, her eyes bright. She looked fucking perfect. I crawled over her and lowered my body until our chests were flush.

"I think you know good and well that everything works perfectly fine down there," I whispered, letting my lips ghost over hers. She hummed in response and lifted her hips off the bed.

"I think you may need to show me. You know, just in case it was some kind of fluke or something."

I huffed out a laugh through my nose and smoothed her hair back from her face. "You sure about this?" I asked seriously.

"Obviously, you know...since I showed up prepared and all," she pointed out.

I nodded, as I struggled with all of the conflicted thoughts and feelings running through my head. I knew there was no way she'd want to have sex with me if she knew all the bullshit I'd done over the last few months. Fuck, she wouldn't want anything to do with me period.

But for me, _now_, things were so fucking different. I wanted to be with her because of her, and not anyone else. It was selfish and a dick move, but I was past the point of caring. I would spend everyday making up for the shit I'd done to her, even though she'd never know.

I pulled away from her and sat back on my knees, my hands skimming down her chest and stomach until I reached the top of her jeans. I popped the button, the teeth of her zipper sliding apart and our breathing, the only sound in the room.

I pushed my fingers under her panties and slid them towards the bottom of the bed, pulling them down with her jeans. I ghosted my hands up her calves, lifting her leg at the bend of her knee and running my tongue along the inside.

She pushed up on her elbows and stared down at me, her eyes hooded.

"Please get up here and kiss me," she demanded softly.

My eyes locked with hers as I crawled over her and dropped down on my elbows. The tips of our noses grazed, as I tightened my arms closer to her body, locking her underneath me.

Her eyes burned into mine as we stared at one another, our lips slightly parted, our breaths mixing, as her exhale meet my inhale.

I lowered my face until our lips connected again, tracing the outline of her lips with my tongue before pressing forward, kissing her softly, our tongues rolling together slowly, unhurried.

She lifted her hands and rubbed them against my sides, the tips of her fingers pressing firmly into my lower back, then sliding down and under my pants. She pushed down, grinding my hips into hers as her breathing picked up and her muscles stiffened..

"Roll over," she panted, bucking her hips.

I flipped over on my back, as she moved with me, straddling my thighs. She reached for my pants, popping the buttons and pulling them down, much more roughly than I had with her.

"Eager?" I tried to joke, but it died in my throat, as I watched her grab the condom and rip the foil with her teeth. She pulled it out slowly, her eyebrow raised as she moved forward and rolled it onto my dick.

"Fuck," I hissed.

I sat up, my arms sliding around her and popping the clasp of her bra and snatching it off. I hugged her against me and flipped us over, all restraint and sense of reason gone.

I lowered my hand to her pussy and parted her lips, my middle finger circling her clit, then sliding down and pushing into her. She was so fucking wet, so fucking ready.

"Edward," she moaned, "please don't make me wait anymore. I want you inside of me, now."

I shifted my hips until the head of my dick slipped inside of her. Our hands groped and squeezed, nails biting into flesh, teeth scraping against sensitive skin as moans and sighs, and exhales of relief all mixed together when I finally slid fully inside of her.

I stilled, my jaw clenching, as I waited for her muscles to loosen and relax from their vice grip. She pressed her hips up, her legs wrapping around my waist as her heels dug into my ass.

I thrust into her slowly at first, increasing my pace as she began to move with me, her hips rolling and grinding against mine. Sweat broke out across my forehead as I pushed myself harder, her moans and body language telling me exactly how she wanted me to fuck her.

Her back arched, her head tilting back against the bed. I dropped my face to her neck, biting down softly as I wrapped my arms around her back, pushing into her over and over again.

"There...yes...Godddd...," she moaned, gripping my hair painfully as her legs tightened around me.

I raised my head and watched as her mouth dropped open; her eyes squeezing shut as her muscles spasmed and clenched around my dick. The force of her orgasm caused my stomach to tighten and burn white hot, as I came, my dick pulsing as I spilled inside of her.

"Shit," I gasped, my head falling against her neck, as I tried to catch my breath.

She hummed in agreement, her arms dropping to her sides. I lifted my head and kissed her before rolling onto my back. I pulled off the condom and threw it in the trash, before reaching over and pulling her against my side, my arm sliding under her neck and around her back.

"Are you okay?" I asked, my lips ghosting over her temple as I hugged her closer.

"Perfect," she said lazily, her hand resting on my chest.

I turned my face towards the ceiling and stared into the dark, as I replayed tonight over and over again. And as the minutes slipped by and Bella's breathing evened out it hit me, for the first time since last May, I was honestly content.

It scared the shit out of me.

_January 2, 2011_

_I can't think about it anymore. I have to let it go. I'm not ending things with her, the decision has been made. I don't give a fuck how fucking selfish it is. I know what I want, and I'm not giving it up._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Welp. There that is. Thanks to Meg, Julie, Kelly, and Amber for being a CONSTANT support system to me. I love you guys so freaking much.**

**A special thanks to RoseArcadia for pre reading this chapter for me, this girl reads a lot of fic...so to have her stamp of approval means more than I can say...thank you bb.**

**And ho-ly shit...Cejsmom agreed to be my full time beta! I made her earn her strips tonight with my neglect of commas. Thank you SO freaking much for offering to help me, it's pretty damn awesome.**

**We're at a turning point people...bittersweet as it is. See ya next week, thanks for reading! **


	13. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>There is an ongoing battle between conscience and self-interest in which, at some point, we have to take sides. ~Robert Brault<em>

**Chapter Twelve **

_January 201__1_

"Do we have to get up?" Bella whined, pressing her face into my shoulder.

"Nope." I chuckled, wrapping my arms around her and squeezing.

It'd been a week since New Year's Eve, since I'd finally admitted to myself I had feelings for Bella..._real_ feelings. Everything felt different now, but completely the same.

"Are you guys still not ready?" Rose asked, falling into the chair beside the sofa.

"We've decided not to get up...ever," Bella mumbled against my chest. I peered over the top of her head in time to catch Rose rolling her eyes.

"You two have been laying on this couch all day. Don't you want to get up and go out? Do...something?" She asked, her hand waving around in front of her face.

"It's Sunday, Rose, the day of rest. We're resting." I informed her, propping my chin on top of Bella's head.

"Edward, I don't think heathens are supposed to use religious references as an argument for being lazy," Bella cut in, laughing.

"Hush it, you." I scolded. "I'm trying to get us out of getting up. You're not helping." I pulled my head back so I could look at her, my eyes narrowed. I attempted to give her a disapproving look, but when she glanced up at me all I wanted to do was kiss the shit out of her.

It had been this way for the past week. I'd always been attracted to her, but now...after everything, it was fucking ridiculous. She laughed when she saw the look on my face, then rolled away from me and stood from the couch.

"Come on, we can go to Pike Place and watch them throw fish, or add to the gum wall." She reached her hand down and grabbed mine, pulling me off the couch.

"Fine." I sighed, running my hand through my hair. "Where's Emmett?"

"Right here," he yelled, coming down the hall. "Did someone say something about going to Pike Place?"

"Yes, we're going." Rose answered and stood from her chair. "Although, I didn't think I'd ever get these two up." She flicked her hand in our direction dismissively, but the smile on her face was anything but annoyed.

"You realize," I said, linking my pinky with Bella's, "that we've all lived here for years. The fish throwing and gum wall have lost their novelty."

"Well, I've only lived here for six months so it's still novel as ever. C'mon...for me?" She smiled sweetly, even batted her lashes for extra effect. Too bad for her the devilish glint in her eye destroyed any attempt at appearing sweet and innocent.

And even though I'd much rather lock her in my room and hide away from the world, there was no way I'd tell her no. No way would I be the cause of her disappointment. Because I was the biggest source of disappointment she'd ever met...and she didn't even know it.

"Alright, Lucy, lets go," I joked, pulling her behind me.

"Lucy?" she asked, smiling.

"Yes. Lucy. Because you, woman, are the devil."

Bella let out a loud laugh and smacked me with her free hand. "For that I'm making you add my piece of gum to the gum wall for me."

"Not really helping your case there, Lucy." I quipped, jumping back when she tried to hit me again.

"Are we going to Pike Place or are we going to stand here and watch Bella and Edward's game of foreplay?" Emmett asked with a smirk.

"Oh, shut it." Rose said playfully, knocking her shoulder against his. "I'd take this any day over the Edward we had this past summer."

I froze, my eyes widening as panic crept up my spine. What the fuck was she doing? Why would she bring that up?

"What happened last summer?" Bella asked.

I could feel her gaze burning into the side of my face, but my eyes were locked on Rose, pleading with her to drop it. Rose narrowed her eyes in confusion, and I knew she was wondering what the fuck was going on. But now was neither the time nor the place for that discussion.

"Edward stayed at our parent's house in Forks for the entire summer, and he was none too pleased about it," Emmett answered with a chuckle, but it was forced, and I really hoped I was the only one who noticed.

With a final questioning glance from Rose, letting me know without a doubt I had some explaining to do, she turned her attention to Bella...who was still fucking staring at me.

"Edward was an asshole." Rose added flatly. "When you go to Forks you'll understand. There is absolutely nothing to do there, after just two days you're ready to climb the walls. It tends to make people a bit broody."

I exhaled slowly, my shoulders dropping slightly in both relief and shame. I'd pulled yet another person into my web of lies. I finally looked at Bella, who was watching me closely, and if I had to put money on it, wasn't buying any of this. I pulled her out the door and towards the bus stop.

"If you hated it so much, then why did you go?" She asked casually, but something in her tone was off.

"Honestly," I sighed, "I needed to get away from here. And Dad needed help with some projects around the house, it was a win - win situation." More half-truths, not necessarily lies, but I was omitting a fuck ton of information. I knew I'd have to give her more, but my nerves were on edge thinking about having that conversation.

"Okay," she said slowly, clearly not satisfied with my answer.

Once we reached the bus stop I turned to face her and pulled her against me. I raised my hand and cupped her neck, my thumb brushing against her jaw.

"Yes, there's more to the story, but it's not a conversation I want to have with Emmett and Rose here, okay?" I asked quietly. She nodded her head, but the set of her shoulders was still rigid, guarded.

I dipped my head down until my forehead rested against hers, my gaze never wavering. "I promise to explain. I'm not trying to keep things from you; it's just a really long story."

She released a heavy breath. "Okay," she whispered, sounding a little more relaxed.

My eyes slid shut in defeat. My throat burned and my chest..._fuck_, my chest just ached. All of these months I'd told her lie after lie, never giving a fuck about what I was doing to her. It was all about me. What I wanted. How the fuck had I let myself fall so far? I'm not the type of person who intentionally hurts people.

Or was I? Because that's exactly what I'd done; what I was _still_ doing. Every time I spoke to her, touched her, every time her smile got a little wider and her guard a little lower, I was hurting her.

She tilted her face up, her lips brushing against mine softly. "Hey, where'd you go?"

I opened my eyes slowly, staring directly into hers. "I'm right here," I whispered.

"Just talk to me, okay?" she asked with a smile.

I nodded my head, bile rising to the back of my throat like hot lava shooting from a volcano. I could talk to her, I could talk to her everyday, but I could never tell her the things that really mattered. Not if I wanted to keep her.

"Now, c'mon," she said, tugging me onto the bus I didn't even realize had pulled up at the stop. "We'll get you some raspberries from the fruit stand; maybe I'll even make you something with them."

I cracked a grin at her. "You remember that?"

"Are you saying you don't remember everything I tell you?" She arched her brow, a smirk on her face.

There was the smart mouth that had been missing for the last ten minutes. And as happy as I was for her to be back to normal, it seemed no matter what we talked about, somehow it would remind me of everything before Christmas break. Because, honestly, I really didn't remember everything, because I didn't care. Fuck.

"It depends on how many clothes you were wearing at the time." I smirked, the words slipping from my mouth before I even realized what I'd said. They tasted wrong, like rot, and decay, and dirt. I guess new habits die just as hard as old ones when you're trying to keep something you don't deserve.

"Such a guy," she tsked. "So, you're saying if I want you to remember something I say, I shouldn't be naked?"

"You probably shouldn't talk about being naked either, I have a very vivid imagination." I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and pulled her against my side, my hand sliding down her arm, my fingers ghosting over the curve of her breast.

"Behave," she chided, her eyes narrowed.

"Hello?" Rose interrupted, standing beside our seat. "You guys coming or what?"

I looked up and noticed we were already at our stop. How the fuck did that happen?

We filed out of the bus, Rose grabbing Bella by the arm and hauling her ahead of us, the two of them already laughing, I'm sure at my expense. Emmett fell into step beside me, letting a little distance form between us and the girls before he spoke.

"What are you going to tell her, man?" He asked under his breath.

"As much as I can, without her slapping me in the face and storming out of our apartment." I answered honestly. I knew I'd have to tell her something about Maggie, but I needed to figure out how much I could tell her without completely fucking myself.

"You know, Rose knows something is up. She was all over me on the bus. I told her we'd talk later, but I can't put her off forever." He looked at me, his eyes full of remorse.

"Fuck. I know." I ran my hand over my face, blowing out a harsh breath. "I'll deal with Rose," I sighed.

"I don't think you should 'deal' with Rose," he disagreed, shaking his head. "Why don't you just come clean? Tell Bella the truth?"

I laughed humorlessly, a sardonic smile stretching across my face.

"Do you think I haven't thought about that?" I spat. "But you've met Bella, there's no fucking way she'd stay. No fucking way that she forgive me."

"So why are you doing this, Edward?" he asked, his tone soft.

"Because I don't wanna let her go, Em."

"It's gonna be so much worse if she finds out later," he pointed out, his eyes diverted.

"She's not going to find out. Ever."

"And if she does?" he challenged.

My vision started to tunnel, narrowing in and warbling as images passed through my mind of Bella finding out about everything I'd done. Everything I'd said. My body tingled and my stomach rolled. I just...couldn't even handle imagining it.

"Maybe," I stammered, trying to think of something, anything, that would make her forgive me, "maybe she'll feel differently about me then. Maybe we'll be strong enough to get past it."

It sounded like bullshit even to me.

He reached up and slapped me on the shoulder, squeezing quickly before dropping his arm. "For your sake, I hope your right, Bro."

Yeah. For my sake I hoped I was fucking right, too.

We walked through the crowds of people gathered around the fish stand and made our way over to the girls. I slid behind Bella and wrapped my arms around her waist, bending down and propping my chin on her shoulder.

"Are those for me?" I asked, nodding towards the container of raspberries in her hands.

She grabbed one between her fingers and raised her hand over her shoulder and pushed it into my mouth. "Yup," she said, popping one into her mouth as well, before turning her head towards me and grinning.

Everything about the look on her face fucking wrecked me; her smile, her skin, her eyes, the freckles sprinkled across the bridge of her nose. I leaned forward until my lips were firmly pressed against hers, my tongue sweeping inside her mouth, the taste of her and raspberries drowning out everything around me.

"Are you done here?" I asked, pulling away before I threw her on top of the fruit stand and did things to her that would land us both in jail.

"I think so," she answered, her eyes roving over all of the different fruits on display, but never looking in my direction.

I had no doubt her nonchalance was intentional. She was goading me. Devil. That's what she was. I huffed out a breath.

"Are you in a hurry or something?" she asked, studying the apples in front of her like they held the answers to World Peace. I shook my head. Evil ass woman, there was no way she wasn't affected by our kiss.

"C'mon, Lucy, lets go slap some gum on the wall, then see if we can exorcise any of those demons out of you." I hooked my finger in the belt loop of her jeans and pulled her along behind me. I could hear her and Rose laughing, but I didn't give a fuck, I was a man on a mission.

Four pieces of gum, three attempts by Bella to push me into that nasty ass wall, and two cups of coffee later, we were finally heading back to my apartment. Rose and Emmett decided to grab some food, but I passed on the invite. The only thing I was interested in putting in my mouth was sitting next to me, her head resting on my shoulder.

"Hey, Stalker?" she asked, quietly.

I chuckled, giving her a wry smile. She was never going to fucking stop calling me that. "Yeah?"

"What's my favorite fruit?"

"Apples. Granny Smith." I answered immediately.

Her head snapped up, her eyes wide. "Wow, you really were listening."

I stared at her for a beat, a million different emotions running through me at once. I was shocked that I knew the answer so easily, but also really fucking happy that I did. But there was also something else, fear, maybe? Disappointment, definitely. Was she testing me? Was she thinking about what happened at the apartment earlier?

What if she asked about something from before, when I paid as little attention as possible because I thought she was a cheating whore? I winced at the direction of my thoughts, she wasn't any of those things. She was better than I could ever hope to be, I was just trying to hang on and be a part of her life for as long as she'd let me.

"Yeah, I was listening. What made you ask?" I reached over and grabbed her hand, threading my fingers with hers and sliding our hands on top of my thigh. She was quiet for a second, her eyes focused on our hands.

"Just seeing if you were telling the truth about only not listening to me when clothing was absent."

She was lying. She was testing me, and I knew it was because she hadn't forgotten about the comments from earlier today. Fuck.

"I'm not going to lie and say I remember everything we've talked about. But I can promise you that I'll try a lot harder not to forget from now on." And I meant that shit. All the fucking time I'd wasted, everything that I'd taken for granted? Never again.

"C'mon." I stood from the seat, grabbed her carton of raspberries, and led her off the bus. We walked up the stairs and into my apartment, toeing off our shoes and heading down the hall to my room. She excused herself to the bathroom and I took the opportunity to pick the shit up I'd left laying all over the floor. My room really was a fucking mess.

I'd just grabbed a pair of socks off the floor when my journal caught my eye. It was sticking out from under the side of my bed, where I'd thrown it a week ago. I'd tried to write in it, but when I looked at the words from before, and how I'd felt, it made me sick. It felt wrong to write in it now, like anything I'd write would be tainted by all of the hate and bullshit from before.

"What's that?" Bella asked, coming up behind me.

My entire body jerked, the journal in my hand felt like hot coals searing the fucking skin from my bones.

"Nothing." I said quickly, crossing the room and shoving it in the top shelf of my bookcase.

"Just something I was working on for school." The lie felt like acid on my tongue.

"Okay," she said slowly, "you're being weird. Do we have to have that conversation again?"

"No, Bella." I grinned. "We do not need to have that conversation again." I crossed the room until I was standing in front of her and grabbed her arms, walking her backwards until I'd pushed her onto the bed. "Plus, if I remember correctly, it was because of what we'd just done that I didn't have the ability to communicate."

She laughed and wrapped her arms around my neck, falling back onto the bed and pulling me with her. "Oh right, I must have forgotten," she teased.

"Maybe you need a reminder," I mused, leaning down and nipping the edge of her jaw. She twisted her fingers in my hair and hummed.

So I did remind her. I reminded her when I peeled her clothes off piece by piece.

I reminded her when I slid my fingers inside of her, when I spread her legs and ran my tongue in long flat strokes against her pussy until she came so hard she stopped breathing.

And I reminded her when I pushed deep inside of her and rocked our bodies together, slowly, smoothly. I kissed her neck, her cheek, her lips, each one an apology for every time I'd thought badly of her. For every time I'd lied to her, and for every time I _would_ lie to her, even if it was only by omission.

Later as we laid in bed, content to be wrapped around each other, I found myself wondering about what she had done before she moved here. We'd talked about a lot of things, but she was always vague when it came to anything too personal.

"Tell me about Phoenix," I urged, my fingers brushing through her hair, as she traced random patterns over my stomach, her head resting against my chest.

"What about it?"

What did I want to know about it? I knew about her mom and her step dad. I knew Jasper and Alice used to live there. We'd talked about her majoring in Oceanography, which I still couldn't believe. But we never talked about her friends, or more importantly, boyfriends. Of course, I knew that would be opening a can of fucking worms I was in no way ready to deal with.

I shrugged my shoulders, pissed that the one question I really wanted to ask her, I couldn't, because of my own bullshit. Would we ever get to a point where all of this shit wasn't hanging over our heads? Or was this just a passing thing that in a few months would fizzle out like most relationships? The immediate tightening in my chest told me I was a fucking fool if I believed that would happen.

If I was smart, I'd get the fuck outta dodge right now. Before things went any further. Before...just, _before_. But holding her against me, her legs tangled with mine, I knew I was in so fucking deep that I was fucked regardless.

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" I asked instead, my eyes heavy. She didn't respond and after a second I lifted my head and could see from her profile that her eyes were closed. I let my head fall back against the pillow again and pulled the sheet up until her shoulders were covered. I ran my hand down her arm to her hand resting over my stomach and twisted our fingers together.

I closed my eyes, our breaths deep and slow, in sync.

Yeah, I was fucked, regardless.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Early update is early! I'll be in DC this weekend getting my butt kicked running a half marathon, so you guys get this early!**

**Cejsmom betaed this thing like a ninja. (I might have a little crush on her.) *shifts eyes* (I totally have a crush on her.)**

**Meg, Jules, Amber, & Kelly are my 4 Non Blondes who pat me on the head and tell me everything is going to be okay. **

**And did ya hear? Perv Pack's Smut Shack featured Practice to Deceive as their angst pick! And guys, they did an AMAZING job. Y'all should totally check it out. I can't thank them enough for their time, kind words, and all of the awesome new readers they sent my way. You ladies rock the casbah. HARD. Thank you for giving me a shot.**

**And thank you guys for reading!**


	14. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Worse than telling a lie is spending the rest of your life staying true to a lie. ~Robert Brault<em>

**Chapter Thirteen**

"Stoppit," Rose groaned, her hand swatting aimlessly in the air, her face scrunched in annoyance. I dragged the feather under her nose again, choking back a laugh when she kicked her legs into the air and slammed them back down on the the couch...that she was currently lying on... attempting to sleep.

She cracked an eye open, and if looks could kill, Mom would be picking out flower arrangements right now.

"What the hell, Edward?" she demanded, jerking to a sitting position. "Obviously, I was sleeping. Why are you bugging me?"

Shit. I really didn't think this one through. Waking her up and putting her in a pissy mood was probably not the smartest thing to do when I'd planned on talking to her about Bella. I'd managed to avoid talking to Rose for the last three weeks, going so far as acting like a damn teenager sneaking into the house after I knew she'd be asleep. But that shit was starting to kick my ass, and after coming home at one in the morning the last two nights, I figured it was time to just get this shit over with.

"I'm sorry," I said lowly. I took a deep breath, if I wanted to soften her up, I might as well cut the bullshit and start talking. "I was wondering if you wanted to have that talk now, about Bella?"

She sat up straighter, her hand smoothing her hair away from her face. All signs she'd been asleep only a few minutes earlier were suddenly gone. "So you're done avoiding me now?" she asked, her brow arched.

I sighed. Yes, I'd been avoiding her, but not entirely for the reasons she was thinking. I wanted to come clean with Rose, tell her everything, ask for her advice. But every time I'd played out her reaction in my head, it was never the same. I had nothing to compare this situation to, if it were Maggie, Rose would care less. But this wasn't Maggie, it was Bella, and Rose would definitely fucking care.

"There are a lot of reasons that I haven't told Bella about Maggie." I began, sliding back on the couch and letting my head fall against it. Rose tucked her legs underneath her and faced me, her face expectant.

"Go on," she urged.

"I mean, there was no point in telling her at first, ya know?" I asked, shifting so I was facing her. "It's not what you'd call an ice breaker when meeting someone. But then...things got...complicated."

"How so?"

So I told her. And like I'd done for the last six months, I told half truths, lied by omission, and spun the details to make myself not seem like the biggest asshole in the world. Which I was, there was no denying that.

I told her I didn't want Bella to think I was on the rebound. To think I was fucked up and had too much baggage to deal with. Never mind the fact that fucked up was exactly what I was.

And then I told her about seeing Bella with Jake. How I learned they were friends and that Jake had been really good to her. How I'd wanted to tell her about my past with him, but we were still so new that I was worried she would bail, so I said nothing.

"I get that," Rose agreed, "but why have you still not told her? Clearly you two are at a point where you can have that conversation."

"Because I'm an idiot?" I answered with a chuckle. It was awkward and forced. Rose noticed.

"You're not telling me something," she pressed.

I thought about all the things I could say. I could tell her I was insecure. I could tell her I was scared she would pick Jake over me. But instead, I told her the biggest lie of all. A lie that made my gut churn, and my heart twist.

Rose was one of my best friends, I had known her since I was thirteen years old. If I told her the truth, she would no doubt be pissed at me, but she would have my back. Like she always did. But I lied. And I told her I didn't want to be selfish. That Jake was obviously important to Bella, and I didn't want to take him out of her life because of our issues.

And because I'd not always been an asshole, because back in the day Rose could trust anything I told her with absolute truth, she believed me.

I wanted to punch myself in the fucking face.

But in the end I got what I wanted, bittersweet as it was. I got Rose to agree to not talk about Jake in front of Bella until I had the chance to explain things to her. LIttle did Rose know, there was no expiration date on that promise. I would put that shit off for as long as I could.

I wasn't stupid though, I knew girls talked. And even though Bella was cool, and didn't seem like the type to gossip, there's no way my past wouldn't come up eventually.

After a few more questions she leaned back against the couch, seemingly satisfied with my answers. "So where have you been all day?" she asked, eyeing the bag on the floor beside me.

"I was out shopping for Bella. And before you ask no, you can't see it," I quipped, grabbing the bag off the floor before she could pounce.

"Why not?" she whined, poking out her lip. I rolled my eyes, that shit wasn't going to work on me.

"Because I want her to be the first person to see it." Let's see her complain about that.

"Awe, that's sweet, dude." she said with a smile.

Yeah, the whining was definitely over.

"So, what's it for?"

"It's for Valentine's Day," I answered, grinning.

Before she could launch into the third degree my phone started ringing. I saw Bella's name flash across the screen and mouthed 'sorry' to Rose, as I stood from the couch and moved down the hall to my bedroom.

"Hey," I answered, putting the bag with her gift in the top drawer of my desk.

"Hey, I'm at work, so I can't talk long, but I wanted to see if you'd like to come over for dinner tonight." she rushed out in one breath.

"Dinner?"

"Yes. Dinner." she sighed, sounding more than a little annoyed.

"Does that mean I get to eat you on the kitchen table?" I asked, smirking.

"Edward!" she whisper yelled into the phone.

"Well I certainly hope you're louder than that later."

"Jesus, fuck," she said lowly, her voice a little rougher.

"What's the matter, Lucy?" I goaded, my dick already getting hard thinking about having her spread out over the kitchen table while I went down on her.

"I think you have taken the role of devil in this relationship. Be there at six." she demanded, and disconnected the call before I could say anything else. I chuckled and threw my phone on the bed. The bed I'd made this morning, because Bella had called me a slob.

Nevermind, her apartment was just as damn messy as mine, but she claimed she had a system, that she knew where everything was. I highly fucking doubted it from the way she was always looking for her keys, but I wasn't going to argue.

I looked over at my clock and realized I had a little over an hour before I needed to leave. I debated taking a nap, but my phone rang again, Home flashing across the screen. I took a deep breath and answered, relieved that it was Mom. That is until I realized why she was calling. It was Dad's birthday in a few weeks and she wanted me to come home. And bring Bella.

It wasn't that I didn't want them to meet her, because I did. I was fucking ready to show her off to everyone. But I had to tell her about Maggie first. There was no way I could go to my parents and have a forgotten picture of me with Maggie on a shelf somewhere. I wanted to explain shit to her on my terms, and having that conversation at my parents was not an option.

I told Mom I would check with Bella and make sure she could take the time off. And after talking to her for a few more minutes I disconnected the call, realizing that I'd just set an expiration date on how long I could put off telling her about Maggie. I had a few weeks and that was it. But would I leave out Jake? That was the magic question that I had no answer for. Luckily, I didn't need to worry about that right now.

I decided to pass on the shower after noticing I'd been on the phone with mom for over half an hour, and instead worked on homework. School was seriously kicking my ass this semester, however, not having to stay out till one in the morning to avoid Rose would definitely help me get more sleep.

At six o'clock I was standing outside Bella's apartment. I wasn't sure whether to be proud of myself for being on time, or to be ashamed for being so fucking whipped by this girl. Either way, I wasted no time knocking on her door, because really, who the fuck was I kidding? I wanted to see her.

"Come in," she yelled.

I reached for the knob and turned it, a little pissed that she just left her door unlocked.

"Do you realize you're fucking asking for trouble by leaving your door unlocked?" I yelled, as I stepped through the door, and locked the motherfucker behind me.

"Of course." she laughed...loudly. "I did just tell you to come in didn't I?"

Smart ass. But she did have a point. I was definitely going to be trouble for her. I walked into the kitchen and had to fucking raise my brow at all the shit she had laid everywhere.

"What in the hell are you doing?" I asked with a chuckle as I walked over to her. I pulled her hair over her shoulder, exposing her neck, and kissed her lightly right below her ear.

"I'm getting dinner ready," she answered, a smile in her voice.

"And exactly what is dinner?" I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her against my chest. Her head fell back, the knife in her hand resting on the countertop.

"We're making sushi," she exhaled.

I laughed lightly. "We?"

"Yes. _We_." She emphasised. She straightened up, moving away from me and turned around.

I placed my hands on either side of her and pressed my body closer to hers. "So I have to help you get dinner ready, before I can eat it?"

She narrowed her eyes, we both knew I wasn't talking about all the shit she had laid out on the counter. At least, _my _dinner wasn't laid out on the counter...yet.

"Stop being a perv and help me roll our dinner," she scolded playfully.

I wanted to tell her I had something for her to eat, but I had a feeling I'd pushed my luck enough tonight. And I really did want to fall to my knees while she was propped up on the table. One foot over my shoulder, another against the table. I adjusted myself; thinking about that shit wasn't going to get dinner ready.

"Oh my God, you suck," she laughed, after I fucked up another roll.

"What?" I asked indignantly, holding up the roll I'd just finished. As soon as I'd raised it, the crab fell onto the floor, the rice squishing out the other side. Fuck, I really did suck at this.

"Go to the living room, and just...be." she laughed, raising up on her toes and kissing my cheek. "I'll finish these last few and we can eat."

I nodded my head, I wasn't going to argue, I sucked at this shit. Plus she'd opened a bottle of sake and we'd already drank more than half. That shit was strong. Rice wine my ass, more like straight fucking liquor.

I walked around her living room, a warm buzz settling over me. I looked at the pictures on her bookshelves, walls, and tables. There were several of her and her dad, and then more with Alice and Jasper. But it was the ones with people I'd never heard her mention that caught my attention. People our age, at parties that looked like the typical college scene. It fucking ate at me. Did she have a boyfriend then? Did they only break up because she moved to Washington? Did she plan on moving back? No. She wasn't moving back, not with what she wanted to do after graduation. But would anyone move to where she ended up? Cause I sure as fuck would. I'd follow her to the ends of the earth if she'd let me.

Goddamn it. Fucking sake. It was about to make me have a conversation much sooner than I wanted to. But, liquid courage and all that.

"Hey, Bella?" I called, my stomach twisting, my heart beating out of my chest. I needed to know, I needed to know about her life before she moved here. And if I had to tell her some version of my past, then fuck it. I would just have to deal.

"Yeah?" she asked, walking into the living room with a tray full of sushi. I walked over to her and grabbed it, setting it down on the table and taking her hands. I pulled her down on the couch with me and took a deep breath.

"Why don't you ever talk about your friends in Phoenix?"

She eyed me for a second. "You gonna tell me what Rose was talking about a few weeks ago?" she challenged.

"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours," I answered, bile rising in the back of my throat.

"Can we eat while we talk?" she sighed. "I really am hungry."

I nodded my head and grabbed a piece of sushi, shoving it in my mouth. I was no more ready to start this conversation than she was.

"I'm going to need more sake," she announced, jumping to her feet. It made my stomach drop. This was going to be fucking painful for both of us. I pulled her cushions off the couch and set them on either side of her coffee table. I didn't know about her, but with the conversation we were about to have, I needed a little space.

She walked back into the room, two glasses in one hand and the huge bottle of sake in the other. It seemed we would both need liquid courage for this conversation. I didn't know whether that made me feel better or worse.

She filled the glasses and handed me one, her arm raised in a toast. "You first." She declared, her glass clinking against mine. I eyed her for a second before slamming back the entire glass. What was she hiding?

"Why me?" I asked, my stomach completely knotted thinking about all of the reasons she'd want to delay talking about her past.

"Because mine is shitty. And from the look on your face...so is yours. As a gentleman, you should spare me." She stated, slamming back her drink.

"As a gentleman, I should let you go first," I argued.

"C'mon, Edward. Fuck. I'm pretty sure this is going to suck either way, please go first." She asked, her voice low, small, quiet. And fuck it pissed me off that whatever she had to tell me was so bad it made her a completely different person than the smart ass, sassy, fireball I knew.

"When I met you," I trailed off taking a deep breath, "I'd just broken up with my girlfriend. We'd been together for three years." I added quietly.

Her face was exactly like I'd expected. Shocked and wary. I couldn't blame her, I'd feel the same way.

"Three years?" she breathed, her voice laced with shock.

I realized then, that the three years I'd spent with Maggie, all that we had shared, all the pain...it was nothing compared to the simple drop of Bella's voice. The slight insecurity that I'd heard.

"Yeah."

"Did you break up with her, or did she break up with you?" Her voice had taken this weird calm tone. I didn't like it.

I reached up and grabbed the back of my neck. "I could tell you that I broke up with her, and that would be the truth, but she'd already broken us."

"What do you mean? What happened?" She voice was soft, sympathetic, much like it'd been when she'd talked about Jake all those months ago. Except this time I wasn't angry, and I sure as hell didn't deserve her sympathy. Talking to her about the exact event that led me to her made me feel like shit. But that? _That_ I deserved.

I told her everything. Well, everything but the name of my best friend. I laid it all out there, how I met Maggie, what our relationship was like, and how my family felt about her. And finally, I told her about the night of the party.

"Why didn't you tell me this sooner?" She seemed frustrated, which sorta pissed me off.

"You realize you still haven't told me anything about Phoenix," I challenged.

"Yes, I realize that. And as shitty as my story is, I wasn't invested in it for three years."

"What would I have said, Bella? Hi, I'm Edward. My girlfriend of three years fucked my best friend at a frat party and I caught them. Oh, and it just happened three months ago. Wanna grab some coffee?" I shook my head, she wasn't the only one getting frustrated. But I needed to reign that shit in, this wasn't her fault.

She was quiet for a minute. "I suppose not," she mumbled, "I'm sorry." She pulled the bottle of sake over to her and filled her glass before motioning for me to hand her my glass as well.

"Don't apologize." I sighed. "You have nothing to be sorry for, I'm the asshole."

"No-"

"Seriously," I interrupted. "I'm just a little on edge. This isn't exactly an easy conversation for either of us."

"Would you still be with her if you'd never caught them?"

I felt like a ton of bricks had just been dropped on my head. My temples throbbed, my stomach clenched, and my throat burned. Would I still be with her? Would I have settled? Because that's what I would've been doing had I stayed with her.

"Ah, fuck." I groaned, my head falling back, my hand fisting my hair. I took a deep breath and rolled my head back up and fixed my eyes on Bella.

"You don't need to say anything, I have my answer." she said shortly.

"No. You really don't. And that's a really hard question to answer, because I did catch her. It's hard to say what I would or wouldn't have done feeling the way that I do now."

She nodded her head, but she wouldn't look at me. How the fuck could I make her understand? I slid around the table until I was sitting crossed legged in front of her, my knees brushing against hers.

Hey," I said quietly, rubbing my hands up and down her thighs, "do you know what I can tell you?"

"What?"

"I can tell you, that in the three years I was with Maggie, she never bought me anything that meant as much to me as what you gave me for Christmas. I can tell you that I didn't know you could get butterflies in your stomach from just thinking about someone...until I met you. And, I can tell you, of all the times I'd gone weeks without seeing Maggie, not _once_ did I miss her as much as I miss you five seconds after I've walked out your door."

I grunted from the force of her body colliding with mine. Before I could brace myself she was straddling my lap, her arms were wrapped around my neck, and her tongue was in my mouth. I kissed her back, showing her the only way I could that I meant every word of what I'd said.

She pulled away slowly, her breaths coming out in short pants. "When you need to make a point you go all out don't you?"

"I meant every word. You know that right?" I asked.

She nodded her head slightly.

"And, I'd like to think I would've gotten my head out of my ass eventually. But, I know that no matter what, I'd want to end up right here, with you, every single time. Now." I said, reaching over and popping a piece of sushi in my mouth. "I showed you mine. Show me yours."

"Will you give me some of your smooth lines when I'm done in case I need them?" she asked, her eyes wide with mock innocence. "You know, maybe just jot a couple of lines on a notecard for me?"

"Such a smartass," I sighed, shaking my head. "Now quit stalling."

"Fine." She grabbed her sake and took another sip as she settled back onto her pillow on the floor.

"It was the beginning of Spring semester, and I'd enrolled in this biology class..." she trailed off, her face scrunched up. "Anyway, we had to have partners, and I was paired with this guy, Peter. He was super quiet, kinda kept to himself. But the more time I spent with him, the more he opened up. He was really sweet and funny in that nerdy kinda way." She shifted forward and poured some more sake in her glass.

I really wished she would stop with all the fucking adjectives. Unless it was words like, ugly, stupid, and loser, I really didn't need to hear them.

"After a couple of weeks," she continued, "he asked me out. It was nice, we had a lot in common, I could talk about things that most of my friends rolled their eyes at. We started spending more and more time together. We'd been dating for about two months when it all went to hell." Her lip was curled up in disgust, her words were clipped and angry.

"We had decided to rent a movie and hang out at my apartment. Never his apartment. I should have known something was up then..." she trailed off again.

I felt bile rise in the back of my throat. Please don't tell me this fucker did the same thing to Bella that was done to me. Because I'd really hate having to fly down to Phoenix and fuck his ass up.

"We were at the store getting a movie. One minute we're laughing and talking, his arm wrapped around my waist, and the next his arm is being yanked away from me and a girl is screaming in my face."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "She was his wife," she whispered.

All of the blood drained from my face and my jaw dropped. The fucker was married?

"What the fuck?" I blurted out before I could stop myself.

"I didn't fucking know!" She yelled back, her face bright red, her eyes almost black.

"Christ, I didn't mean-," I groaned, leaning across the table and grabbing her arm. "Fuck Bella, of course you didn't fucking know."

"I was so fucking humiliated," she spat, shaking her head. "People were staring and she's in my face calling me a homewrecker, and a whore, and...I didn't even fucking sleep with him!"

"I'm sorry." I whispered. "C'mere." I tugged on her arm, pulling her until she was in my lap.

"And the worst part? He just stood there. I mean, at that point I didn't care if he defended me, but I would have liked for him to get her away from me at the very least."

"So what _did_ happen?" I asked, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her tight against me.

"The manager came over and asked her to leave. And then she started yelling at him. The moment her attention was off of me, I bolted. I didn't need that shit. I went to my professor the next morning and explained what happened, which was just...awful. He gave me a different lab partner and I just avoided Peter as much as possible for the remainder of the semester."

"He still tried to talk to you?" I growled. That motherfucker had a lot of fucking nerve. But, if I really thought about it, so did I. But I didn't _want_ to fucking think about it. I wanted to be pissed that some douchebag asshole, fucked around on his wife and then let the girl who knew nothing, take the brunt of his wife's anger.

"Oh, only once," she chuckled. "After his family jewels got acquainted with my Doc Martens he didn't try and talk to me again."

"That's my girl," I laughed, kissing her temple.

"And then my dad got hurt, so I started all of my transfer paperwork, and said good riddance to Phoenix."

"After hearing all of that, I gotta say, I'm pretty fucking shocked you agreed to go out with me." I joked, but I was completely fucking serious.

"You were the exact opposite of Peter in every way. You weren't shy or secretive about anything. That is why I agree to go out with you."

"Plus I'm hot," I added, trying to hide the fact that I felt like I was going to vomit. I had so many fucking secrets, so many fucking lies.

"Well, yeah, there was that." She laughed. "So can we be done with this conversation now? Because I'm really tired and I'd like to just hang out." She finished, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"That's sounds fucking perfect to me."

For the next couple of hours we laid together on her couch watching reruns, wrapped up in each other. We didn't talk, but we didn't need to, we'd done enough of that already. And even though there was still so much I was keeping from her, a part of me felt lighter, better. Because now I had one less secret, one less thing hanging over my head. But I knew, now more than ever, that if I wanted to be completely free of all the bullshit, I'd have to come clean with her. She fucking deserved it. But the selfish side of me hugged her tighter, like a child with his favorite blanket. What would my honesty cost me? My sub conscience whispered the answer against my ear with a hiss of air..._everything._

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><p><strong>AN**

**Cejsmom beta-ed this for me at nearly three in the morning. If that's not a kickass beta I don't know what it. You rock chicka.**

**My four non blondes- Meg, Julie, Kelly, and Amber continue to put up with my crazy, they even encourage it. Thanks for that. And special thanks to Amber for the shout out in her latest update of Saving Myself. If you wanna read an Edward you don't want to kill, check it out.**

**Slpmom gave me my 1,000th review! Weee!**

**Okay so on to what you ALL want to know, when will we be at the damn prologue? Enjoy the next two and 1/2 chapters... then it's shit/fan time.**

**And the last thing, cause I'm a wordy mofo this morning..I ran my first (and probably last) 1/2 marathon last weekend without dying. 13.1 miles in 2 hours 20 minutes. Thank you for all the well wishes!**

**And thanks for reading!**


	15. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun. ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow<em>

**Chapter Fourteen**

_February 2011_

I tugged Bella into the back of the cab and gave the driver an address about half a block away from our destination. I wasn't sure if she would've realized where we were going, but I wanted to keep it a surprise for as long as possible.

I'd worked my ass off the last couple of weeks trying to pull this night together, and until this morning I didn't know for sure if it would all work out. But it did, and I couldn't wait  
>to see her face once we got there. That is, if she'd quit with the third degree.<p>

"Where are we going?" Bella asked, again, for the millionth time.

"I told you. It's a surprise." I laughed when she scrunched up her face and scowled at me.

"What? You don't like surprises?" I asked.

"Don't be ridiculous." she huffed, waving her hand dismissively. "Who doesn't like surprises?"

I raised my brow at her. She sure as hell didn't act like she liked surprises.

"I just don't like _waiting_ for surprises." she clarified.

"You realize I only told you we were going out tonight instead of staying in like an hour ago, right?"

"Semantics."

"We're almost there. Do you think you can hang on for another fifteen minutes?" I whispered against her ear as I pulled her to my side.

"Fifteen," she groaned, her eyes wide, her expression full of mock disbelief.

"The horror," I chuckled under my breath as she laughed with me. "Want me to distract you?"

"Yes, please." She grinned and turned her face to mine.

I kissed her softly, my tongue sweeping across her bottom lip before clamping my teeth down lightly and tugging.

"I love kissing you," I whispered, pressing my lips to hers again.

"You're not so bad yourself," she agreed.

We stayed that way, with our lips barely brushing against one another. Our breaths mixed with each exhale, our eyes locked, and our foreheads pressed together gently. I was lost in her, so completely fucking consumed. I was going to break my own fucking heart worse than Maggie, Jake, or even Bella could; because I was doing it to myself. I was such a fucking fool.

"We're here," I said softly.

Bella jerked her head away from me and swiveled towards the window. I didn't have to see her face to know she was confused as hell.

"Edward...why?" she asked in a daze, as I pulled her out of the car.

"What?" I asked seriously. "You have a problem with fish warehouses?"

She smacked my arm. "Be serious."

"C'mon," I laughed and tugged her arm, "this way impatient one."

She grumbled something under her breath, but looped her hands around my forearm and followed me without any more complaining. We passed several shops and bars, but the moment the aquarium came into view, I saw her eyes widen.

We walked through the main entrance and over to the counter where a security guy sat with his legs propped up, a magazine in his hands.

"Excuse me," I called out, he flipped the paper down and eyed us before a small grin cracked his stoney facade.

"Edward?" he asked. I looked at him in confusion, did I know him?

He shook his head and stuck out his hand. "Felix," he said, "and Dr. Masen told me you'd be coming in." He turned and moved down the hall, motioning for us to follow him. "C'mon, everything is all set up."

"What have you done?" Bella asked, a huge smile on her face. I shrugged my shoulders and grinned at her.

"I wanted to do something that was just about you tonight." I answered, wrapping my arm around her waist. "Just because I don't know anything about this stuff, doesn't mean I don't want to."

She pulled to a stop and looked up. "Why?" she asked, her face scrunched up.

"Because it's important to you. And you're important to me. Isn't that reason enough?" I pulled her forward and leaned down, kissing her temple.

"Thanks," she whispered, her arm snaking behind my back, her fingers digging lightly into my side.

We walked down the hall behind, Felix, stopping past the gift shop. "Do you know where you're going?" he asked, a smile still on his face. I nodded.

"Okay then, take your time, it's a rare treat to walk around here without screaming kids and pushy adults. You know where to find me if you need anything," he added with a wave, as he turned and walked back towards the entrance.

"Where is everyone?" Bella asked, looking around, obviously only now realizing we were completely alone.

I chuckled and pulled her towards the first sets of exhibits. "There was a wedding here today, so they shut down to the public. Things just wrapped up about an hour and a half ago, and since there was no sense in opening for a couple of hours they stayed closed."

"Then how did we get in here?"

"Dr. Masen, the guy who's over everything, was in my fraternity, he's also friends with my Dad. Anyway, I called about maybe having a private tour or something for you and he told me the place would be closed today. So I asked if we could come after the wedding, and he said he'd see what he could do."

I pulled her to a stop in front of the Life of a Drifter exhibit and watched as the jellyfish floated above our heads, the lights changing from blue to red and making them glow. It was pretty fucking cool.

"So," she drawled, rolling her wrist in a 'would you get on with the fucking story' kinda way.

"So," I mimicked, "he called me the next day and told me he had a few projects he really needed some volunteers for. Asked if I knew anyone who might be interested?" I rolled my eyes; he wasn't fooling any damn body.

"I've been helping him out with a few things here, and then this morning he called me and said everything was good to go. He even threw in dinner." I laughed, watching as Bella's mouth opened and closed repeatedly.

"So you've been working here for the last couple of weeks, just so you could bring me here on Valentine's Day." She clarified, a smile stretching across her face.

"Alone." I reminded her, a smirk pulling up one side of my mouth.

She raised her brow. "What does being here alone have to do with anything?"

I wrapped my arms around her waist and walked her backwards until her back was pressed against the glass of another exhibit. "Because I didn't think you'd let me fuck you here with an audience." I reasoned, sliding my hand down and palming her ass. I pressed against her fully and ran my tongue along her bottom lip.

"Edward, we are not going to have sex in here." She warned, her arms wrapping around my neck.

"No?" I asked, tugging her bottom lip between my teeth. She shook her head no, but opened her mouth as I slid my tongue inside. I fisted the fabric of her skirt and moved it higher until the tips of my fingers brushed the outside of her thigh.

"Ed-,"

"Shhh." I murmured, grazing my nose against her neck. I slid my hand around the back of her thigh and moved higher until my fingers swept against her panties, my thumb rubbing the bottom of her ass.

Her hips moved forward as I pressed my fingers more firmly against her before cupping her completely. I moved my mouth to hers, I tried to kiss her gently, but the little sounds she was making, the slow rock of her hips, and the heat radiating from her was making it really fucking hard. Pun totally fucking intended.

"Fuck," I choked, jerking away from the glass and pulling Bella with me when a movement behind her caught my attention. Her eyes widened comically as she spun around to see what made me jump; then she immediately started laughing.

I watched as a long red tentacle rolled against the glass, the suckers sticking and releasing as it moved. Another tentacle slid against the glass and pulled the body of the octopus closer.

Fuck, that thing was creepy. I flexed my fingers against Bella's stomach as more of the arms came into view, latching onto the glass, rolling and twisting in smooth rhythmic motions...I swear it was sizing me up.

"I think he's trying to give you some pointers," Bella joked, leaning her back against me.

Okay, apparently I wasn't the only one who thought it was sizing me up.

"Yeah, well..." I trailed off, eyeing the octopus as it glided through the water and moved closer to where Bella stood in front of the glass. She stretched her arm out and flattened her palm on the glass as the octopus trailed a tentacle across the same spot.

"Isn't he beautiful," she breathed.

"He?"

"Yeah. This is Rocky." She moved her hand along the glass following the movement of the arm closest to her.

And I knew I was being completely fucking irrational, but I pulled her away from the glass and back against my chest, shooting a smug smile at Rocky when his dark eye focused on me.

"You ready to tell me about the other exhibits?" I asked, walking her away from Mr. I Have Eight Arms, What You Got.

For the next hour we walked from exhibit to exhibit, Bella's hands waving wildly as she talked about the different fish, mammals, coral, and anything else that had anything to do with the ocean. Her entire face lit up, her eyes bright with excitement. Her passion was so heartfelt and sincere that I couldn't help but feed off her energy, even when she was talking about Rocky.

By the time we made it to the underwater dome I'd completely forgotten that we were having dinner here. That is until we walked into the room.

"Holy shit." Bella gasped, her hand covering her mouth.

I nodded my head in agreement, holy shit was right. The entire room looked like something out of a magazine. The dome had an elevated platform in the center with a wooden railing wrapped around it. On top of the railing were easily one hundred of those fake candles things that made the entire room glow.

In the center of the platform was a small round table already set, on top of the plates the napkins looked like blooming flowers. On a separate table there was a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket, with two large and two small silver covered domes on either side.

"What I want to know is exactly what you volunteered to do for Mr. Masen to have a set up like this?" Bella blurted out, as she turned in a circle taking in the room.

I narrowed my eyes. "Ever the smart ass." I sighed.

"What? I really want to know. Because damn, maybe you should do that for a living instead." She tried to keep a straight face, but as I stalked towards her she giggled and darted away from me.

"Okay, okay, no I'm sorry," she laughed, bracing her arms on the railing. "C'mon, let's check out the food, I'm starving."

I eyed her for a second before agreeing, she wasn't the only one fucking starving.

We moved over to the table and Bella pulled off the larger domes and set the plates of food on the table while I popped the top of the champagne. There was so much food, and honestly, I had no idea what half of it was, but all of it was fucking delicious.

We'd just cleared the plates and pulled the covers off two large slices of chocolate cake when the clanking of Bella's charm against her plate reminded me of her present.

"Hey, I almost forgot," I said, reaching into my pocket and pulling out the small box, "I got you something."

"Edward, you didn't have to do that," she protested, her voice soft.

"I know I didn't _have_ to, "I agreed, turning her hand over and placing the box in the palm of her hand. "But that doesn't mean I didn't _want_ to."

"Thanks," she whispered, popping the top of the box open and peeking inside.

She looked at me and I swear she smiled with her entire face. Her eyes were pinched at the corners, her cheeks high, and her lips stretched tight. I didn't think I'd ever seen her smile like that before, but I knew I'd do anything I could to see it over and over.

"Do you like it?" I teased, my own smile so wide my cheeks ached.

"It's kinda perfect." She laughed, holding it in the air so she could inspect it closer.

"Do you want me to fasten it?"

She nodded and handed the charm over, leaving her arm outstretched so I could clasp it along side of her gun charm.

"This is quite the combination of charms," she noted, the small silver octopus swaying next to her gun charm.

"I like knowing when some random person sees your bracelet they'll have no idea the meaning behind those charms, but I do." I confessed, brushing my thumb over her wrist.

"I like that, too," she murmured softly, her eyes locked with mine. Suddenly it was like all of the air had been sucked from the room and I couldn't take a breath. The way she looked at me, the way her eyes reflected the sincerity of her words, it made me feel ten feet tall and gutted all at once. I didn't deserve any of this, but I was too fucking selfish to let her go.

"You ready to get out of here?" I asked, standing and reaching out a hand to help her up. She nodded and looked around the room once more before squeezing my hand and following me from the room.

After a brief conversation with Felix, where he reassured me that everything would be taken care of, we made our out onto the street and headed towards Pike Place. The temperature had dropped significantly, but thankfully the rain had finally stopped. We walked slowly, our hands loosening and slipping until only our pinkies remained connected. We were quiet, the sounds of the city a background of white noise.

"Thank you for tonight," Bella said casually, her eyes forward, her posture relaxed.

"You're welcome."

"You know, you're hardly anything like the guy I met last September," she commented, her eyes sliding over to me.

"Eh, that guy was kind of an asshole." I joked, my heart rate picking up. "I realized that I didn't like him very much." My voice was barely above a whisper by the time I'd finished speaking. I looked down at my shoes, the weight of my words holding so much more meaning that she would ever realize.

"Do you miss him?" I asked suddenly. When she'd first starting going out with me that was who she agreed to go out with. Did she like that version of me more?

She laughed. "He wasn't an asshole, just a cocky, slightly smug, guy who was determined to get what or _who_ he wanted." She eyed me for a second then smiled. "And you're still a cocky, slightly smug guy, but you're also kind, sweet. Well, when you're not being a total perv," she added laughing.

"I still can't believe you agreed to go out with me," I said, shaking my head.

"I told you why I did, but that's not the only reason." She smirked. "It was a mix between you wearing me down with your persistence and how fucking hot you looked in a pair of jeans."

I gaped at her for a beat before I doubled over laughing. "Now who's the perv?" I joked, still trying to catch my breath. She smiled and shrugged her shoulders, completely unapologetic.

"C'mere," I demanded playfully, pulling her to me and wrapping my arms around her, both of us, smiling stupidly at each other.

"Are you cold?" I asked, feeling her shiver.

"Yeah, she answered. "Do you want to get a cab?"

"Sure." I moved to the edge of the sidewalk and flagged down a cab. We hopped inside, the warm air a welcome relief. Before I could ask Bella where she wanted to go, she'd already given the driver her address.

"Stay with me." She said softly, her words a statement rather than a question.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." I pulled her close and pressed my lips to her temple, my throat tightening as I warred, once again, against right and wrong, selfish and selfless, having Bella, and losing her. That last thought caused an all too familiar sense of dread to wash over me, but this time it was accompanied with a sort of frantic desperation that set me on edge.

By the time we'd made it to her apartment my heart was pounding, my hands were shaking, and all I wanted to do was strip her naked and have as much of her skin on my skin as possible.

She fumbled with her keys at the door as I dragged the zipper of her skirt down. She tripped over her shoes in the hall as I peeled her shirt over her head. And she fell gracelessly on top of her bed as I hooked my fingers under the sides of her underwear and slid them down her legs.

She let out a breathy laugh as she sat up, her fingers working the buttons of my jeans as I yanked my shirt over my head. Once we were both naked I dropped to my knees, my hands sliding up her thighs and pushing them wider so I could move between them.

I raised my eyes to hers, her head was tilted down, her hair tumbling over her shoulders and brushing over the tops of her breasts. She raised her hands and cupped my neck as I ghosted my hands up her thighs to her to her waist. My fingers wrapped around her sides, my thumbs brushing the underside of her breasts as our eyes remained locked.

Neither of us spoke as the frantic energy around us slowed, calmed, morphed into something else, something…more. She leaned forward and pressed her cheek to mine, her face turning slightly until the corners of our mouths touched and our noses brushed. I tilted my head until our mouths connected, my tongue caressing hers.

"Lay back for me," I told her softly, my fingers flexing slightly around her ribs as I guided her back. I raked my hands down her body, leaving one pressed against her stomach, the other trailing down her thigh and curving around her knee.

I tugged her leg up and pushed it onto my shoulder, wrapping my arm around her thigh to hold her leg in place. I leaned forward, kissing my way down the inside of her thigh until I reached her pussy.

I looked up when I felt the bed shift, watching as Bella raised up on her elbows her hands fisting the sheets by her sides. Her lips were parted and her chest heaved as she stared at me, her eyes dark, hooded.

I lowered my mouth, keeping my eyes locked on her face. I pressed my lips to her clit softly before flicking out my tongue and tasting her. She let out a soft gasp, her head falling back as I snaked my hand from her stomach down to her pussy. I flattened my tongue over her clit as I slid two fingers inside of her. She was wet, hot, tight, and fucking perfect.

I pumped my fingers in and out of her, twisting and curling them when I felt her muscles clench. I worked my tongue over her, circling and flattening, moving fast then slow, hard then soft until her back arched and her calf tightened around my back. Until legs began to shake, and moans and curses tumbled from her lips. Until her eyes rolled back and her mouth fell open in a silent scream.

I moved my tongue against her one final time as her muscles fluttered and her body jerked. I reached over to my jeans, pulled out a condom and rolled it on. I wrapped my hand around her calf and raised her leg to my mouth, kissing the inside of her ankle before releasing it and standing.

I hovered over her, my eyes scanning every inch of her body, cataloging, memorizing, cementing this memory of her in my mind. She watched me, her eyes soft, her cheeks pink, a small smile turning up the corner of her lips. Everything about her was so fucking beautiful, genuine, _good_. Everything that I wasn't.

I closed my eyes, and sucked in a deep breath. I focused on the sounds in the room, the ticking of the clock on the bedside table, the hum of the overhead fan as it spun above us. I focused on the smells; sex, linens, and the lotion that lingered on her skin, blackberries and lilacs she'd told me. It centered me, it kept me here, now, with her. Not tomorrow, or the day after, or any time in the future when she wasn't with me, when she wasn't mine.

"Hey, are you okay?" Bella asked, her arm outstretched towards me.

"Yeah," I exhaled, crawling over her and flattening my body to hers. The way the curve of her breasts pressed against my chest, the way her leg slid up my hip and wrapped around my back, and the way her arms folded around my neck as her fingers tangled with my hair; it was like two pieces of a puzzle finally coming together. She was the missing piece to my life. And now that I'd found her, I knew she'd be the only one who could mould seamlessly into my life, into my head, into my...heart.

I positioned myself at her entrance and pressed our foreheads together, before pushing inside of her. She moaned softly, her hands tightening in my hair.

"Kiss me," she whispered.

Her lips moved softly with mine, our tongues stroking gently, lazily, as I rocked my hips against hers. My movements smooth and unhurried, as I tilted her hips higher, sinking into her deeper.

"Yes. Like that," she panted, her other leg wrapping around my hip and pulling me impossibly closer.

I dragged my leg up until I could raise up on one knee, pushing her back into the mattress as the angle changed and I couldn't tell where I ended and she began. I reached between us and pressed my thumb to her clit as my stomach started to burn and tighten.

"Are you close?" I gritted out as spots flashed over my vision.

"Almost, just...yes...that-"

I pinched lightly on her clit and thrust my hips up one more time before I felt her walls clamp around me and pull me deeper. My own muscles tremored and flexed as I came, my body jerking with each pulse of my release.

I collapsed on top of her, my vision spotty and unfocused, my muscles shaking from the force of my orgasm. It had never been like this before, and I knew it had less to do with the sex and more to do with the person I was with.

I rolled off her, throwing the condom in the trash, before reaching over and pulling her into my side. "Are you sleepy?" I mumbled, my eyes already heavy. She made some sort of humming noise as the sounds around me faded and sleep pulled me under.

_March 2011_

"Hey, Bella, you ready to go?" Rose called, coming down the hall with her bag.

"You bet your fat cock I am!" Bella yelled before she busted out laughing.

"Well ain't that a bag of tits!" Rose choked out between breaths, as she folded over in a fit of giggles.

Emmett and I stood at the front door, our arms crossed over our chests. We were not amused.

"Seriously, Em?" I asked, waving my hand in the direction of the girls who were in the hall leaning against each other laughing.

He rolled his eyes and hoisted our bags over his shoulder. "You get Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum's bags and I'll meet you at the car."

I shook my head and crossed the hall, reaching for the strap of Rose's bag that was hanging off her shoulder.

"Hey," she cried, poking her finger into my ribs, "if I get a dork infection you're dead!"

I yanked the bag up from where it had fallen on the floor and pulled Bella's bag away from her as well while they stood there laughing like a couple of hyenas. I didn't say a word as I turned and walked out the front door, cause really, what the fuck was there to say?

Of all the movies they could have picked to watch last weekend, they had to choose one about an alien named Paul. It'd been kinda cute, even a little funny, when they'd stumbled through the door last Saturday, both of them more than a little drunk. That is until they started quoting the movie. Repeatedly. And the shit they were quoting? It made no fucking sense.

But whatever, my girl fell into my lap that night, her eyes glassy and her smile sloppy as she informed me I could probe her anytime I wanted. We didn't come back out of my room until the next morning.

But after a week of the two of them randomly yelling out lines from the movie I think Em and I both were ready for them to be abducted. Just not probed, because fuck that noise, nobody was probing Bella except me

"Are they coming?" Emmett asked impatiently as I slid into the backseat of his car.

I rubbed my hand across my face. "Fuck if I know, man, they've both lost their damn minds."

"Who's lost what?" Rose asked, her eyes bouncing between the two of us.

"We've lost time," I answered, reaching over and tugging the end of Bella's hair and winking at her. She knew I was full of shit. She rolled her eyes and fastened her seatbelt while Em and Rose jawed back and forth with each other.

We were heading to my parent's house this weekend for Dad's birthday. It'd been a month since Valentine's Day and things between me and Bella were like nothing I'd ever imagined. She kept me on my toes, never letting me get away with shit. She was funny, smart mouthed, beautiful, and just as much of a slob as I was, contrary to what she said. She was fucking perfect and filled parts of my life I didn't even realize were empty.

There were times when I was so wrapped up in how fucking happy I was, I could almost forget those months last fall. _Almost._ There were still those days and nights, when my mind would drift and I would think about all of the lies and ugly, hateful things I'd said and thought about her. It was always worse when I'd see Jake.

I still didn't understand what his angle was, honestly I wasn't even sure if he had one anymore. If he wanted to hurt me, he would have done it by now. Right?

And then there were the times when Bella and I would lay in bed, talking about school, or what crazy shit Jane had said at work, or her dad's progress, and the weight of my lies would become fucking suffocating. I'd started to tell her a hundred different times, but as soon as I'd open my mouth she'd look at me and my throat would dry and the words became stuck.

I was a fucking coward, but I wasn't delusional. I did my fucking best to make up for mistakes she had no idea I'd made. Not that it was hard, being with Bella was like fucking breathing, it was natural, necessary. But to be without her...the very fucking thought squeezed the air from my lungs.

"Stalker," she teased, pulling my hand to her mouth and biting my knuckle.

And yeah, she _still_ called me that shit.

"Damn, Lucy." I hissed pulling my hand away and looking at the indents her teeth had left in my skin. "Didn't Charlie tell you biting is bad."

"You didn't mind me biting you the other night when-"

I clamped my hand over her mouth and attempted to give her a stern look. I say attempted because it had absolutely no fucking affect on her. No fucking surprise there.

"Would you behave, woman," I teased.

She rolled her eyes and laughed as she slid over and rested her head on my shoulder. We'd been up late last night and I knew she'd be asleep before we even boarded the ferry.

"Bella," I whispered, shaking her shoulder lightly. We were about a mile from my parents and just like I'd said, she'd slept the entire way here. I knew she'd want to wipe the drool off her face and wake up a little before we got there.

"Clive likes boning space bears," she mumbled as she sat up.

I didn't even bother to comment on that shit, Rose's giggle let me know Bella was quoting that shit in her sleep now.

We pulled up at my parents a few minutes later, Bella sufficiently more coherent and me...I was a fucking nervous wreck. That same feeling of dread that always accompanied situations where someone could say something about Jake crept up my spine.

I wiped my hands on the front of my jeans and took a deep breath. "You ready?" I asked, smoothing her hair away from her face.

"Sure, parents love me." She quipped and hopped out of the car. "Plus, if things get weird I can always just ask to see your baby pictures."

"Hey," I yelled, climbing out of the car as her and Rose looped arms and walked towards the house.

"Dude, just give up now. It makes shit so much easier." Emmett chuckled.

"Bella isn't the first girl I've brought home, dumbass." I shot back.

"Yeah, but she'll be the last. Might as well accept that shit now." He turned and moved to the back of the car and grabbed the bags while I just stood there, frozen.

The fuck? The last? What in the hell was he- I stopped short, my mind screeching to a halt as I finally realized what he was implying. The last. Bella. Bella would be the last girl I ever introduced to my parents, because there wouldn't be anyone else for me.

I squeezed my eyes shut and braced my arm on the side of the car as I fought back the wave of dizziness that crashed over me. The consequences of my lies, that already felt so all consuming, suddenly became so much more.

"Stalker, get in here or I'm asking for baby pictures!" Bella yelled from the porch, a huge smile on her face.

Fuck. I needed to get my shit together. Bella would call my ass out before I made it through the front door if I didn't. I jogged over to her and threw my arm over her shoulders and pulled her into the house. Rose and Emmett were already in the kitchen and I could hear mom and dad laughing.

"Edward. Bella. Come in." Mom said, smiling.

"Mom. Dad. This is Bella." I introduced. "Bella, these are my parents."

"We're so glad you could come. We've been so excited to meet you." Mom said, pulling Bella into a quick hug.

"My son's not giving you any trouble is he?" Dad asked, leaning forward and giving her a one armed hug.

"All the time," she sassed and fucking winked. Smart ass.

"Told you," Emmett laughed from the other side of the kitchen.

"Oh honey, I think you're going to fit in just fine here." Mom laughed as she reached up and rubbed her hand over the top of my head.

"All right, all right," I grumbled, ducking my head to get away from her. "If you guys are done, I'd like to show Bella around."

"It was nice to meet you both-" Bella started before Mom cut her off.

"Esme. Call me Esme. And Carlisle."

"Okay," Bella grinned, "thanks Esme."

We turned and headed out of the kitchen and towards the stairs, Bella randomly asking questions about something that would catch her eye along the way.

"So, this was my room," I announced, pushing the door open and dropping our bags inside. It looked exactly like it had when I'd left after Christmas, but everything felt different.

"It's nice," Bella acknowledged, "I was expecting naked girls on the walls, so anything above that is a win in my book."

"You just can't help yourself can you?" I chuckled and wrapped my arms around her from behind.

"What?" She was trying to sound innocent, she failed miserably.

"Being a smart ass, you just can't help yourself." I clarified, walking her forward, towards my bed.

"Oh that? Yeah, no. It's in my blood."

I tightened my arms and lifted her into the air before launching us both onto my bed.

"Stop!" she shrieked, as I dug my fingers into her sides.

"Make me," I goaded.

She leaned up and pressed her lips to mine, her hand sliding down the front of my jeans and palming my dick. And yeah, I wasn't concerned with tickling her anymore.

We spent the rest of the night hanging out with my parents. We ate pizza and watched shitty television and it was the most relaxed I'd been at my parents house in a long time. My parents both had matching smiles on their faces as they talked with Bella about school, her dad, Alice and Jasper, and anything else that would randomly come up.

They'd tried to act this way with Maggie, and while they'd always been polite, it was nothing like the easy, relaxed vibe that hung in the air now. It seemed I wasn't the only person Bella fit, she fit my entire family. She belonged here, with me.

The next morning, after breakfast, I showed her around Forks. The high school, the hospital where Dad worked, and the few other places that were worth mentioning. I'd shown her everything within an hour.

"Wow, no wonder you get grumpy staying here for longer than a weekend." She said as we walked around the back of my house towards the river.

I looked at her in confusion before realizing she was referring to yet another lie told to cover my ass. Lies told by people who had no idea what they were covering up. Lies told by people who would hurt if Bella was no longer a part of their lives.

"It's so pretty," Bella said, pulling me from my thoughts.

I looked at the river that wound around the back of our property, the trees creating a canopy of green over everything.

"Yeah," I whispered, only I wasn't talking about the river.

We hung out for a while longer before heading back to the house and getting ready for Dad's party. Mom had promised to keep it low key this year because they wanted the chance to hang out with us since we came home less and less these days. Which was fine with me, I liked hanging out with Em, and Rose and my parents.

It was new to me, being part of the group with someone the rest of my family didn't hate. And after we stuffed ourselves with dinner and cake, and Dad opened his gifts, we thanked the last of the guests and sent them on their way.

And while the girls hung out in the kitchen drinking wine, me, Dad, and Em hung out on the back deck drinking beers.

"It's good to see you again, son," Dad said, his hand resting on my shoulder. The look on his face let me know he wasn't talking about coming to visit this weekend. His words held so much more meaning. I nodded my head, unable to find the words to respond.

"And Bella." He added with a smirk. "She's perfect for you."

I laughed, I wasn't going to argue with him, I thought so, too.

After rounds of hugs and goodbyes the next morning, with promises to visit again soon, and pointed stares from my Mom clearly telling me not to fuck things up, we piled in the car and headed back to Seattle. It was the first time in as long as I could remember that I was a little sad to leave.

Bella leaned over the seat and pressed her lips to my cheek. "I had a really great time this weekend, thanks for bringing me."

I smiled and kissed the tip of her nose. "We'll come back for a visit soon, I promise."

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><p><strong>AN**

**Cejsmom is the Bailey's in my coffee. She also betas like a ninja.**

**Meg, Julie, and Kelly pre read and say nice things about me, so I keep them around. **

**This chapter is dedicated to Luvrofink for her love of teh tentacle. Edward is totally trying to butter her up, too.**

**Edward from Sideline Collision by Nolebucgrl let me rip his 'fuck that noise' line. **

**Lastly, I have an announcement to make. *taps mic* Hi, my name is Liv and I'm a Dustyaholic. It's a real disease and I'm not looking for a cure. It totally owns me. Edward aka Dusty makes my Edward looks like a saint. But guys, it's fucking brilliant. **

**Dusty- by YellowBella**

**If you're looking for an AU that has a deliciously dark Edward you want to do bad, bad things to please check out Prey for the Wicked by aleeab4u. It's Famazing!**

**ONE MORE CHAPTER TILL THE PROLOGUE! Thanks for reading!**


	16. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing. ~Eva Young<em>

**Chapter Fifteen**

_April 2011_

I grabbed the pillow and lifted the edge, peeking at Bella who was currently hiding underneath, a scowl on her face.

"It's not going to be that bad," I lied, trying my best to keep a straight face.

Her scowl deepened. "You are so full of shit," she spat, knocking my hand away and wrapping her arms around the pillow and pressing it over her face.

"Are you trying to smother yourself?" I chuckled, unable to hold it back any longer.

"I'm going to die today anyway, this seems like the less painful way to go," she mumbled, her words distorted from the pillow over her face.

"Bella," I coaxed, tugging the pillow from her face.

"I know I'm being ridiculous," she sighed, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. "I just really hate these types of things."

I mimicked her position and tugged her arm. "C'mere, baby."

She slid over to me, her head resting on my shoulder, her arm sliding down my chest and sliding under the bottom of my shirt.

"So we've reached the terms of endearment phase in our relationship?" she asked, a smile in her voice.

"The what?" I laughed, running my fingers through her hair.

"You know, where we call each other sweet little nicknames and get all gooey with each other." She drawled, her voice overly sweet and full of sarcasm.

"I hate to break it to you, but we reached that phase a long time ago," I pointed out.

"I hardly think you calling me a shortened name for the devil is a term of endearment." she chuckled, pinching my side.

"Then stop acting like him," I quipped, smacking her hand. "We really need to talk about your violent tendencies. Biting and pinching, Bella? I think you need a time out."

"I can kiss and make it better," she cooed before laughing...loudly.

"Devil." I mumbled under my breath. "Does it bother you? That I called you that?"

"No...I kinda like it." She admitted with a shrug, her voice soft.

"I like that you like it." I murmured, leaning forward and kissing the top of her head. We stayed that way for the next half-hour, not talking, just holding each other...just being together. It was one of my favorite things to do with her, and since Charlie wasn't going to physical therapy anymore Sunday's had become our day to hang out and do nothing. Except for today.

"We need to get going?"

"Ugh. Why is Alice doing this to me?" She whined.

"C'mon." I grunted, patting her ass and lifting her up. "It's only for a couple of hours, and you have Rose, so it shouldn't be that bad."

"Can't I just go with you guys to the gun range? That is so much better than helping Alice with a baby shower for someone I don't even know."

"Nope. No girls allowed. This is just for the menfolk," I joked, deepening my voice and puffing out my chest.

"You're such a dork," she smiled, shaking her head at me.

I leaned forward and hooked my finger in her belt loop and pulled her to me. "C'mere girl." I demanded, running my free hand up her arm and cupping her neck.

"You really need to work on your terms of endearment. First you call me a stalker and now a dork." I tsked, lowering my mouth to her ear. "I'm sure you can do better than that...baby." I finished, my lips brushing her ear.

"We're seriously never going to leave this room if you don't stop. Not that I'm excited about my plans, but I think Charlie would be a little pissed if you stood him up to defile his daughter."

"Fine. You go play with diapers, I'll go play with guns."

"Oh my God, you suck," she scowled, her arms crossed over her chest.

"I-"

"Don't be a perv," she cut in, before I could say something completely perverted.

I chuckled and kissed her before turning and grabbing my keys off the desk. "Are you coming back here with Rose when you guys are done?"

"Yeah, if you want," she nodded, following me out into the hall.

"I want."

"Em, you ready to go?" I yelled, slipping my shoes on.

"Yeah." he answered, coming out of his room, Rose following behind him.

"Have fun," Bella said, raising up on her toes and kissing me quickly.

"You too," I teased. "See you later, baby."

"Don't overdo it." She warned, pointing at me.

I just laughed at her as Em and I walked out the door. We were meeting Charlie and Jasper at the police academy's firing range for a little target practice. Charlie was expecting to have his work restrictions lifted next week so he could return to full duty. Bella was nervous about him going back to work, but she knew being out of work this last year had been rough on him.

He'd invited me to come, saying every man should know how to shoot a gun, which is how Emmett ended up tagging along as well.

Thirty minutes later we were issued guns, bullets, and earmuffs. After of course, we signed waivers stating that if we shot ourselves the shooting range wasn't responsible. I eyed Emmett warily, if anyone ended up putting a bullet in his leg, it would be Em.

"So Bella tells me you got a conditional letter of appointment the other day," Charlie said casually as he loaded his gun.

"Yes Sir, I took my phase one and phase two tests last spring and passed them both. They wanted to wait until I was closer to graduation to issue my physical and start my background check." I'd been so wrapped up in my actual classes and Bella that I hadn't realized how close I was to graduating until I received the letter last week.

"So what are your plans?" He asked as we stood behind the thick plexiglass and watched Emmett and Jasper shoot at their targets. I say at because, well, Emmett made me look like a sniper compared to him.

I shrugged my shoulders. When I'd applied to the FBI academy I hadn't given a second thought to what that might mean. But now, I wasn't so sure. The idea of being separated from Maggie hadn't bothered me, but Bella, that was a different story. Of course Bella had told me to shut up and make my appointment. Which I did, but not before checking out all of the training facilities to see which one had the most potential for her to find a job or internship. Now I just had to figure out how to tell her that.

"I made the appointment. I meet with the recruiter on the twenty eighth."

I shook my head at Emmett as Charlie laughed quietly beside me. He'd managed to graze the shoulder of his target. Jasper's target on the other hand had a hole the size of an apple in the chest.

"Well lets get in there and make sure your aim is better than your brother's" he chuckled. "I'll feel a lot better about Bella being with someone who I know can protect her when you guys are on your own." He clapped my shoulder, causing me to fall forward slightly, because holy shit did Charlie just...give me his blessing?

He laughed at the expression on my face. "You think I don't see the way you two are always making moon eyes at each other?" He rolled his eyes before muttering something about being blind.

I followed him dumbly to our lane as we passed Emmett and Jasper who were talking animatedly about their targets. The two of them just seemed to click. Everyone just seemed to click, it was almost like my family and her's were part of a single unit and all that was missing was the two of us to bring it all together.

I looked over at Charlie as he adjusted his glasses and focused on his target, his face blank, calm, almost serene. I liked Charlie. I liked Jasper and Alice. And I was sure I'd like her mother as well. The black hole of dread kept getting bigger and bigger, like it was taking on a life of its own as it pulsed above my head, waiting for me to fuck up so it could take all of these people away from me. Waiting to take Bella away from me.

My first shot missed the target all together.

After some assistance from Charlie, and some heckling from Emmett, I finally got the hang of it. Charlie said he was impressed but refused to admit I was a better shot than Bella. I wasn't sure if it was because I really wasn't, or because he didn't want to deal with her when she chewed him out for saying it.

Later that afternoon, long after Em and I had gotten home, Rose and Bella came dragging through the door looking tired and annoyed. Bella didn't have much to say other than a few muttered comments of "never again" and "I hate Alice." I didn't press, because honestly, they were at a baby shower, I really didn't want to know.

I managed to convince her to spend the night, which wasn't all that difficult. We spent more time together than we did apart, so it was rare for us to wake up alone. I'd gotten so used to her being around that on the nights we weren't together, I found it hard to sleep.

Charlie's words bounced around in my head like a pinball over the next couple of weeks. He trusted me with his daughter. He trusted me to take care of and protect her. And while I would, without a fucking doubt, do all those things _now_, I couldn't shake the memory of a time when I hadn't.

There were times when I'd think about the person I'd become after catching Maggie with Jake. I'd remember the way I treated my family, my friends, hell even total strangers, and how none of those people deserved my anger and resentment...my bitterness.

I'd always been comfortable with who I was as a person. I obeyed the law, I was faithful to my girlfriend, loved my family, and supported my friends. I'd never been ashamed of myself or the decisions I'd made. But now? This gnawing guilt and shame and embarrassment? How could I really expect to move forward with my life, a life with Bella, when there were so many lies woven into our foundation?

The more time that passed the clearer the answer became...I couldn't. I wasn't ready to tell Bella the truth though, and I would never be ready to lose her if or when I did.

But as one day faded into the next and April came to a close, so did my ability to deflect and avoid the things I feared most.

I leaned against the brick front of the library, my leg bouncing. I'd been on edge ever since I'd talked to Jared earlier. It was his birthday and he wanted me to come to his party at the frat house, where Jake still lived. He told me he'd run into Jake a few weeks ago, said he told Jake how things had changed between me and Bella. He said Jake didn't seem surprised, or angry, just resigned. I wasn't sure what the fuck that meant.

And there was no way I could go to the party and not take Bella, since Emmett and Rose were also going. So here I stood, waiting for Bella to finish up with her studygroup, nervous as fuck about tonight. Would Jake be there? Would he talk to Bella? Would some of the guys that'd seen her around the house with him start asking questions when she showed up with me?

My head throbbed, my entire body taut with anxiety. I'd been in a few situations over the last several months where there was a possibility I'd run into someone who could say the wrong thing, make an offhanded comment that could raise questions. But this was different. It was all of the things I'd avoided. It was all of the people that could expose me and take away the most important fucking part of my life, coming together all at once. It was the walls around my lies and deceit closing in around me, pushing in closer and closer until they crushed me.

"Hey-"

"Fuck!" I yelled, jerking in surprise when I felt Bella's hand on my arm.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her brows furrowed, her hand tentatively reaching for my arm.

"Yeah." I swallowed, my throat thick. "C'mon, lets get out of here." I wrapped my arm around her waist, her hand sinking into my back pocket. We walked in silence to my apartment, my thoughts drifting to the last time I'd stepped foot in the frat house. I couldn't believe it'd almost been a year. And in a few hours I'd be there again, same fucking scene, but so fucking different.

Friends I'd laughed and joked with, people I'd considered my brothers were strangers to me now. I'd withdrawn so far from that part of my life, first because of embarrassment, then because I wanted to keep them away from Bella.

But it seemed I'd run out of luck. Tonight, Bella was going with me to the very place that set off the chain of events that led me to her. I should just fucking tell her. I should tell her everything. Just like I should tell her I was in love with her.

But every time I'd open my mouth to speak, the words would catch, my mind refusing to let the words escape. Like saying them out loud would cement me to her more than I already was. I knew it was fucking ridiculous, saying it out loud wouldn't change shit. But another part of me felt wrong to tell her I loved her. To tell her I loved her with all of the lies hanging over us, it felt tainted.

"You know we don't have to go tonight, right?" Bella pointed out, as we walked through the front door of my apartment. "I'm sure he'd understand after what happened." Her voice was off, it was too soft, sad.

I felt sick. Of course she thought my apprehension was about going to the place where I'd caught my best friend and girlfriend fucking. I could give a fuck about either of them in that sense.

"No, Bella. It's not that." I promised, pulling her into the living room and onto the couch. "C'mere, baby."

She stared for a beat before sliding next to me on the couch and draping her hand across my thigh.

"I haven't seen some of these people since last May." I sighed. "People are going to be drunk and I don't want them trying to talk to me about that night. I don't want to talk about something I've put behind me. And I sure as fuck don't want for you to feel uncomfortable." Every word I said was the absolute truth, but still felt like a lie on my tongue. Because I knew my greatest fear of all, was exposing myself.

"I'm a big girl, Edward. I think I can handle my own just fine." she assured me, squeezing my thigh.

I reached for her hand and threaded our fingers together, staring at the invisible shapes and patterns I traced against her skin with my free hand.

"You know," I began, nervously licking my lips, "I don't want to be with anyone but you. You get that, right?" I kept my eyes focused on the way our fingers twisted and locked together, the way they fit together perfectly. "You mean everything to me." I finished in a whisper.

"What's going on, Edward? Why are you telling me this?" she demanded softly.

I shook my head and finally raised my eyes to hers. I needed to get out of my head and out of this funk. "I just don't want you to doubt how I feel about you. About us." I shrugged.

"And that's it?" She asked skeptically.

"That's it," I lied with a smile, my chest pinched with an ache like I'd never felt before.

The rest of the afternoon was spent hanging out and relaxing. We watched tv, and later ordered take out with Rose and Em. I caught them staring at me from time to time, both probably wondering about tonight and what would happen if Jake made an appearance. Both pulled in to my web of lies in varying degrees, but neither aware of the full extent of my deceit.

Two hours later the four of us stood in front of the house, all of us slightly more relaxed thanks to the rounds of shots we'd had earlier.

"You know," Bella whisper yelled against my ear, "we could just skip this party and go back to my place and make out."

"Like hell," Rose interrupted with a hiccup. "You're not leaving me alone here with these fuckers."

She looped her arm through Bella's and took off towards the house. Emmett laughed and clapped me on the back.

"You ready, bro?"

"As I'll ever be," I responded.

We followed the girls towards the house, shaking our heads when we heard them start quoting that fucking movie again. Looked like it was going to be one of those nights.

We'd been there about an hour when Jared finally found me.

"Dude, there you are," he slurred, beer sloshing out of his cup and onto the floor.

"Hey, man. Happy birthday," I laughed, giving him a one armed hug. He stumbled forward, his cup falling to the floor as I grabbed his shoulders and stood him upright.

"Fuck," he chuckled. "I think I might be a little drunk."

"Maybe just a little," I laughed.

"Oh hey," he whispered, but not really because he was loud as fuck, "I met your girl. She's cool man. I'm glad we were wrong-"

"Happy fucking birthday, bro," Emmett yelled, smacking Jared on the back.

I stood frozen, my eyes wide and frantic as I looked around the room, scanning the faces around me. Not Bella, not Bella, not Bella. Over and over I inspected the people closest to me, searching for any sign of her.

"She's on the front porch with Rose," Jared assured me. His face serious, eyes wide, apologetic. I swallowed hard and nodded, I knew he didn't mean to say that shit, but that is the exact fucking reason I was so nervous about coming here tonight.

"I'm going to go check on the girls," I called out to Emmett, as he led Jared towards the kitchen.

I breathed a sigh of relief as soon as I walked out on the front porch and spotted Bella with Rose and a couple of other girls laughing and talking. I didn't recognize any of them which was good. It meant they probably didn't know me either.

I moved behind her and slid one arm around around her waist, my other hand sliding down her arm before lacing our fingers together.

"Hey, Stalker. I was wondering how long it'd be before you came looking for me." She joked, twisted her head around so she could look at me. Her eyes were glassy, her cheeks bright red, her smile lazy. My girl was drunk.

"I'd be a pretty shitty stalker if I didn't keep up with your whereabouts now wouldn't I?" I quipped, leaning down and kissing her quickly.

"And we both know there is nothing shitty about your stalking skills."

"There nothing shitty about any of my skills," I whispered against her ear, nipping it lightly with my teeth.

"Well, this has been fun ladies, but I need to go home so my stalker can do dirty, dirty things to me." She giggled, grinding her ass against me.

"Well hang on," Rose cut in, "come with me to the bathroom, then find Em, and we'll all get out of here."

Bella nodded and followed Rose into the house. I stood on the porch with the girls they'd been talking to, but shit got awkward really fucking fast.

"I'm going to step around the side of the house real quick. Will you guys let Bella know I'll be right back?" I asked, as the two of them nodded and giggled.

I hurried down the steps and around the side of the house really needing to take a fucking piss. I'd just finished and zipped my pants when a hand snaked around my waist and down the front of my jeans, palming my dick.

And I knew that fucking hand. I was so fucking familiar, but it was all wrong. I spun around, knocking Maggie's arm away and causing her to stumble back.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I hissed, yanking the bottom of my shirt down.

"Like you don't fucking know," she scoffed, her words slurred. She was fucking trashed.

"I don't have time for this shit," I spat and moved to step around her.

"What? Gotta get back to your little girlfriend?" she sneered, her voice dripping with disgust.

"Actually, yeah. I do." I goaded, not one bit sorry for the flash of pain that crossed her face. Fuck her.

"So she's still friends with Jake?" she speculated, her brow arched, a cruel smirk on her face.

How I had ever found her attractive is beyond me.

"I don't see how any of this is your fucking business," I retorted, but even as I said it an eerie feeling of dread crept up my spine.

"Oh, Edward. I know you. I know there is no fucking way you'd be okay with your little girlfriend being friends with Jake. You're hiding something," she sang, her face twisted, hard, hateful.

"You don't know shit," I snapped. But even I didn't feel the heat behind my words. She knew something was off. I wasn't sure if she knew more than that, but right now, it was more than I was comfortable with.

She let out a humorless chuckle and stepped towards me, her fingers reaching out and trailing down my chest. I batted her hand away and took a step back, my back knocking against the side of the house.

"I know enough don't I?" she taunted. "I know that if you're keeping secrets from her, Mr. Honesty himself, then she must not mean as much to you as you're pretending."

I didn't know what happened next. Only that her words sent me into a place I'd never been before. My vision blurred, my jaw snapped shut painfully, and my body vibrated with anger. One second she was in front of me, my back against the house, the next our positions were reversed, my hands circling her wrists and holding them by her sides.

"She means everything to me," I vowed, my voice even, clear, cold.

"And yet you're keeping things from her," she continued, undeterred. "You're more like me than you want to admit, baby."

I released her arms as I stared at her in shock. Because as pissed as I was at her, she was right. She was absolutely fucking right. I was like her, I was a fucking liar. I felt dizzy, sick, dazed.

Too late I realized she'd pulled me against her, her hand twisting in my hair painfully and pulling my face to hers. Her lips were too small, thin, and exactly what I needed to snap me out of my haze.

I ripped her hand from my hair and stumbled back. "You don't know anything," I choked, the back of my hand wiping harshly across my mouth, wanting nothing more than to scrub all traces of her away. "Stay the fuck away from me Maggie. I mean it."

I spun on my heel and ran to the front of the house, my heart pounding. I looked up just as Bella, Rose, and Emmett filed out the front door, laughing and smiling and completely oblivious to what had just happened.

"Hey baby, lets go get naked," Bella laughed, almost falling on her face coming down the stairs.

I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her so fucking tight, burying my face in her hair and breathing so deeply my lungs burned and ached. I needed to feel her, to touch her, to have all of her over all of me.

"Edwd," she mumbled against my shirt, "can breve."

"What?" I asked, pulling back slightly.

"Can't breath." she gasped. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sorry, you just said naked and I got a little excited." I lied. For the last fucking time. No more.

"Well lets go then," she laughed, hooking her pinkie around mine.

We said our goodbyes to Em and Rose, my eyes glancing warily over my shoulder every couple of seconds. I just wanted to get the fuck out of here and be alone with my girl. We caught a cab to her place and it was teeth and tongues and touches and whispered promises.

But once we'd stumbled into her apartment, her eyes were heavy, her words softer and softer, her breathing deeper and deeper, and I knew she wasn't going to be awake much longer. So instead of forcing her to stay awake for my own selfish need to be with her, connect with her, love her, I helped her undress. I put toothpaste on her toothbrush and smoothed the tangles from her hair. I kneeled in front of her as she perched on the side of her tub and wiped the makeup from her face before slipping my shirt over my head and sliding it over hers.

And once I'd carried her to the bedroom and slipped her under the sheets, I filled a glass of water and grabbed some aspirin to set beside her. She'd need it in the morning, no doubt.

After I'd brushed my teeth, I popped a couple of aspirin, stripped down to my boxers and slid in beside her, rolling over so I could look at her. I smoothed her hair away from her face, the pads of my fingers brushing softly across the skin of her check. Her lips were slightly parted, her breaths even, the mint from her toothpaste washing over my face. She was so fucking beautiful.

As I stared at her, I thought about all of the horrible fucking things Maggie had said tonight. She was right about one thing though, I wasn't a good person. A good person wouldn't do the things I'd done. A good person wouldn't lie to someone like I had.

I wasn't a good person, I was a selfish asshole. And Bella deserved so much more than that. She deserved someone who could be honest with her, someone who was better than me.

I pressed my lips to her temple, my eyes squeezed tight. "I'm so sorry," I whispered. "I've been so selfish, and so fucking scared." I felt the sting behind my lids seconds before hot tears forced their way out the corner of my eyes, a trail of wetness sliding down my cheeks.

"I have to tell you. I can't lie to you anymore." My throat closed as I choked on my words. "I'm so fucking scared, but I can't plan a future with you, without you knowing the past. I can't drop on one knee and ask you to marry me without you knowing everything. Because that's what I want. I want forever with you. I'm so fucking in love with you." I tried to take a breath, but I felt like I was drowning, my throat constricted. "Please, baby, please...please don't fucking leave me."

"Edward, what's wrong?" she mumbled, her voice thick with sleep.

"Nothing, we'll talk in the morning," I whispered, my ears ringing, my chest so fucking tight it hurt.

"Umkay, c'mere," she sighed, pulling my arm until it was wrapped around her.

I tried to even my breathing. I tried to stop acting like a pussy and stop crying. I tried not to feel like tonight was the last night I would have my heart. But I was successful at none of those things. Because tomorrow was my day of reckoning. And the hurt and pain I'd felt from Maggie and Jake's betrayal held no measure to the crack in my chest, the aching, _gut wrenching_ _pain_ I felt, at the very _thought _of losing Bella. And I hoped with every fiber of my being, when the dust settled she'd be able to forgive me. Because if she didn't...how would I ever survive letting her go?

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><p><strong>AN**

**cejsmom was a freaking gift this chapter. Well even more so than usual ;) Thank you for spending so much time working on it with me.**

**Meg, Julie, & Kelly made pouty faces at me and Rose made me ugly laugh with her litany of unsavory names for Maggie. It was awesome.**

**Also Cejsmom and PawsPeaches (who sends THE BEST DM's EVER) nom'ed PtD for fic of the week over at TLS and it nabbed one of the top five spots! YAH! Thanks for the pimpage ladies, y'all are like Nate Dogg and Warren G, Regulatin' PtD hard. Y'all better mount up, you know what's next.**

**Julie, this chapter is for you. Y'all wanna know why? Cause she saw Bobby Long in concert (my imaginary lover) and got him to sign a CD for me. He even wrote 'To Liv' on it... So yeah, I died a little!**

**Dun, dun, dunnnnnnn (that's my dramatic exit) Thanks for reading!**


	17. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>There are no secrets that time does not reveal. ~Jean Racine<em>

**Chapter Sixteen**

_April 2011..._

I stared across the room, watching the shadows elongate, shift, and morph as the sun lifted into the sky and light slowly filtered in through the windows. I'd barely slept, and when I did...nothing about my dreams were sweet.

Bella moaned softly beside me, her head burrowing further into my side. I reached over her and grabbed the glass I'd filled with water the night before, as well as the aspirin.

"Here." I whispered, nudging her gently.

She lifted up on her elbow and reached out for the pills with her other hand. After emptying the glass completely she raised her eyes to mine, they were red, glassy, and more than a little hungover.

She winced and slid her body slowly back down, her head resting on my chest. "I feel like shit." she mumbled.

"Ah, I'm sorry, baby. Do you need anything? Can I get you something else before I go?" I wasn't looking forward to my physical this morning, especially after my shittastic night of sleep.

"Wha?" she mumbled.

"I have my physical this morning. Remember, it's the twenty eighth."

"Shit," she hissed, sitting up completely. "How did I forget that was today? I was going to make you breakfast. You know, load you up first." She looked down at my shirt she was wearing, her brow furrowing.

"Did you give me your shirt?"

"Yeah, you were a bit out of it when we got back here."

"Ah, crap. I'm sorry. You have your physical today; you shouldn't have ended up taking care of a drunk girl the night before." She groaned, falling back against her pillow and throwing an arm over her face.

"Not _a_ drunk girl." I corrected. "_My_ drunk girl. There's a difference."

She peeked out from under her arm and smiled up at me. It was sleepy, and sweet, and fucking perfect. "Thanks."

"I need to head home and get ready. Why don't you get some more rest and then meet me back at my place later this afternoon." I suggested, a lump forming in my throat as my heart pounded furiously against my ribs, the drumbeat roaring in my ears.

"Hey, are you okay?" Her voice sounded like I was underwater, muted, distorted.

I blinked rapidly trying to make my vision sharpen, focus.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just...nervous." I rambled, tugging my hair harshly.

"You'll do great. You'll do more than great, you're totally going to kick ass." I glanced at her, the huge smile on her face making my chest ache for so many different reasons.

"So, you'll meet me later? At my apartment?" I asked again, my palms beginning to sweat.

"Yeah, sure. I'm going to lay here and die for a while. Then I'll shower and come over. Okay?"

"Okay." I nodded. "I gotta get going." I leaned over and kissed her, my lips moving slowly over hers, my hands brushing against her sides, absorbing her heat, her touch, her taste, her smell. I wanted it all with me.

I pulled away slowly, our eyes locked as we stared at each other, our gaze so intense, full of so many unspoken words and emotions. I wanted to tell her that I loved her so fucking bad. The words were right there, begging to be released, wanting to pass my lips but refusing to do so.

"I'll see you around eleven." I whispered, leaning forward and pressing my lips to her forehead, my eyes squeezed shut. This wouldn't be the last time I kissed her. It wouldn't be the last time she smiled at me or melted into my arms. Because I was going to make sure she knew everything, and that included how much I love her.

"Eleven." she smiled, sliding back under the covers.

I pulled on my undershirt and slipped on my shoes before locking her front door behind me and heading to my place. I only had an hour to get home, eat, and meet the recruiter. I thought about the tests they would administer today, four words playing on a loop in my head...I was so fucked.

I slipped in and out of the apartment unnoticed, Rose and Em apparently opting to sleep in this morning and skip class. I walked through the front door of the local field office five minutes before my appointment, wound up and exhausted all at the same time.

"Mr. Cullen? I'm Agent Biers. Are you ready?" he asked, his hand grasping mine firmly.

"Yes, sir." I nodded, following him as he turned and led me down the hall.

"You remember the self assessment physical you performed when you took your Phase I testing, correct?"

I nodded.

"Good. It's the exact same test. We have the results you submitted at that time. We'll be comparing those results against your times and counts today."

We moved to a mat at the far side of the room, Agent Biers taking a seat at the table to the left.

"Alright, sit-ups first, maximum number you can complete in one minute." He instructed, looking down at the papers in front of him. "Do you remember your results from the first test?"

"Yes, sir. Forty five." I answered, sitting down on the mat and stretching. Forty five. Fuck, I was in such better shape then, and I'd rested, my mind had been clear. I was so fucked.

"When you're ready." He nodded, his thumb hovering over the start button of his stopwatch.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. I tried to push all of the bullshit out of my head, but it seemed the harder I tried the less I was able to do so. All of the stress had me wound so tight I felt like I was going to explode. Suddenly I realized exactly how the fuck I was going to get through today.

"Go," I grunted, falling back on the mat.

_One_. Months of anger and self destruction.

_Eight_. Late nights, hangovers, and one night stands.

_Seventeen_. Bella, the plan, the lies.

_Twenty nine._ Revelations.

_Forty._ Learning her.

_Fifty four._ Loving her.

"Time. Excellent time Mr. Cullen. That was nine more than your last time. Let's see if you can keep this up." Agent Biers smiled.

I fell against the mat, panting, sweat running down the sides of my face, my lungs on fire.

"Grab some water. We'll start the next test in five."

I did as he said and followed him to the indoor track. Next was the three hundred meter sprint and I was afraid I'd burned off too much energy with the sit ups and would bomb the run. My last run time had been fifty seconds and was considered to be in the very good category. I needed to beat that. I had to beat that.

I jogged up and down one side of the track, my breathing starting to regulate once more. I had to find a way to channel all of the anxiety inside of me again. Make it useful for a fucking change.

I moved into place at the starting line as Agent Biers moved to the finish line and took a seat in the stands. He held up a flag and eyed me for a second. I nodded my head and focused on his wrist, waiting for the flicker of movement that would indicate my start.

His wrist dropped, the flag dipping down and back up quickly and I was gone. My knee bent slightly before straightening forcefully and launching my body forward. I kept my arms tucked closely to my sides, my strides long, my feet planting and pushing, propelling me faster. I thought about all of the running I'd done from myself, from the truth. And then it was over; and I knew somehow I'd done it again.

"Very nice," Agent Biers yelled as my hands braced against my knees. "Forty eight seconds, still considered very good, but better than your last time and that's what matters."

I nodded my head, still unable to speak, as I fought back the urge to vomit. Two tests down, two to go. If I thought that revelation would be comforting I was wrong. If anything it made the urge to vomit even greater. I was that much closer to seeing Bella. That much closer to having to come clean about things I'd never wanted to tell her. Things I wish I'd never done.

By the time I'd finished the push ups test and the mile and a half run I actually did vomit. But I also beat both of my previous times. I was jittery and jumpy and fucking wrecked from exhaustion. I had no idea how I was going to get through this day, but I'd made my decision and I wasn't going to back down.

I thought after I completed the exercises I'd be able to leave. But it seemed Agent Biers wanted to talk and that was after he decided we should get some food. I wanted to check my phone to see if I'd missed a call from Bella, but I didn't want to be rude either. So I smiled and laughed in all the right places and ignored the growing sense of foreboding that caused the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end.

It was some time later when I was finally able to say my goodbyes and get the fuck out of there. I powered on my phone and dialed Bella's number. I wanted to see if she was at my apartment and let her know I was on my way, but her voicemail picked up instead. Maybe she was with Rose, maybe she was in the middle of something. But I couldn't shake the feeling that something felt off. I wasn't sure if it was my nerves and guilt or something more, but either way it was freaking me the fuck out.

I tried calling her again, and again her phone went to voicemail. I shook my head and took a deep breath. Everything was fine. I was overreacting. I grabbed a cab instead of waiting on the bus, to try and make up some time.

I jogged up the stairs to my apartment; I was late and figured Bella was already here waiting on me. I came around the corner, noticing the front door was slightly ajar, which was really fucking weird. I sprinted down the hall and burst into the apartment, unsure of what to expect.

The moment I saw Bella, my entire world came to a screeching halt. She was on her knees in the middle of my living room floor, sheets of paper fisted in her hands. My eyes darted around the room, there were papers scattered everywhere, balled and ripped. My heart clenched when I spotted a well worn and very familiar book lying haphazardly on the floor.

I looked back to Bella, tears streamed down her face and dripped off her chin when she lifted her head and focused on me. All of the blood drained from my face as realization set in of what she'd found.

"Baby..." I whispered, slowly walking towards her.

"Don't!" she screamed, jumping to her feet. "Don't you fucking dare call me that; you don't get to call me that again, ever." She clenched her fists tightly, the papers crinkling in her hands as she stared down at them.

A sob tore from her throat and I wanted so badly to comfort her. She needed to know how sorry I was. She needed to know that I was in love with her. But when she lifted her eyes to mine the dead, lifeless gaze they held was like ice in my veins, freezing me in place.

"So I was revenge," she said, the dead monotone pitch of her voice matching her eyes.

"No, Bella, no, no, no," I begged, hot tears stinging my eyes. I couldn't lose her, the thought alone was crushing.

"And all this?" she asked with a humorless chuckle, her arms sweeping wide over the area of my living room, where she had ripped out page after page of my journal. My journal that had every thought, every secret, every wrong that I'd ever done to her.

"That was before," I choked out, stepping closer to her, unable to stay away any longer. "I was going to tell you everything, I promise. I just...I can't lose you. I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry."

I reached up, and swept the pad of my thumb across her check, my other hand cupping the underside of her jaw, absorbing the feel of her skin against mine. She sighed and closed her eyes tightly.

"Too late." she whispered sadly. "You already have." She shook her head and stepped away from me, the look of pain on her beautiful face crippling me.

"Don't do this. We can fix this, I know we can," I pleaded, feeling the stranglehold of dread clutch my throat with unforgiving hands, the air trapped in my body, burning, punishing.

"You did this, not me. I'm done," she spat, dropping the papers to the floor.

She moved to step around me and my arm shot out, pulling her to me as I dropped to my knees. I wrapped my arms around her waist and buried my face in her stomach.

She pushed roughly on my shoulders, but the harder she pushed, the tighter I squeezed. I knew, I knew that as soon as I let her go she would leave me, the image caused bile to rise in my throat.

She stopped pushing suddenly, her arms falling limply to her sides. "Edward, look at me."

I shook my head, unable to look her in the eye, knowing the pain I would see was all my own doing.

"Haven't you hurt me enough?" she cried, her hands finding my hair and yanking roughly, forcing me to look up at her. Her face was crumpled, brows pulled down, her chin quivering as she clenched her jaw.

"I love you, Bella, please give me a chance to fix this," I begged. I knew how fucked up it was for me to tell her I loved her for the first time like this, but she needed to know, she needed to understand. She sucked in a sharp breath, her hands tightening in my hair once more before releasing it altogether.

"No you don't. You don't treat people you love the way you've treated me, now let me go Edward."

I loosened my arms slowly before dropping them to my sides. Holding her against her will wasn't going to solve anything, but she needed to understand that I did love her, so fucking much.

"Yes, Bella, I do. You can't tell me what I feel," I argued, so angry with myself for not fixing this shit so long ago. She laughed again, but it was mean and hard and nothing like the sweet girl I'd held in my arms just last night.

"Well," she sighed, "that really fucking sucks for you, doesn't it? Because I don't love you. I can't even look at you," she sneered, her face twisting with disgust as she walked to the open door.

"Please."

"Fuck you, Edward," she spat, walking out the door and leaving me in the exact position I had found her minutes earlier. My entire world had just imploded, and I had no one to blame but myself.

I dropped my eyes to the floor, the mere sight of the door making me nauseous. I felt numb. Nothing made any sense. I knew what just happened...but why? What made her read my journal? Why today?

I yanked my phone from my pocket and pressed the call button over her name. I needed to talk to her, I needed to explain, I needed...her. But each call ended the same as the one before.

_Hi, you've reached Bella_...end call.

_Hi, you've reached Bella_...end call.

_Hi, you've reached Bella_...end call.

_Hi, you've reached Bella_...end call.

I pressed my palm into my eye, trying to push back my emotions, trying to hold everything in, while my other hand gripped my phone tightly. It wasn't supposed to be this way, I was going to tell her, explain. I flipped my phone over and opened my text messages, if I could get her to read one, just one, maybe I'd be able to get through to her. And that's when I saw it, a missed text...from Bella.

My hands shook as I opened the message, hope and fear slamming into me. But as soon as the message opened nothing but all consuming dread wrapped around my shoulders and yanked me under, plummeting me straight into hell.

_Jake called, meeting him for coffee. I NEED coffee, and greasy food. See you soon! -Bella_

I was on my feet too fast to realize I'd lost all feeling in my legs. I tripped and fell back to the floor, pins and needles, and red hot pain prickling over my skin and holding me in place when all I wanted to do was run. Run like I had today, only with more purpose, more determination, and no anxiety, only anger.

I slammed my hands against my legs, lifting and shaking them, fighting against the weight, fighting against the pain, fighting to get on my feet and out of this fucking apartment. I pulled my knees to my chest and planted my feet on the floor before shoving my body upright. A few painful, unsteady steps later and I was out the door, with only one destination in mind.

The red haze that blinded my vision had not lessened by the time I reached the frat house. I jogged up the steps and shoved the front door open, my eyes sweeping across the room. I was looking for one person, and once I found him I wasn't sure the result wouldn't end with me in jail.

"Jake." I demanded.

One of the guys on the couch gaped at me, his eyes wide. I briefly wondered what I must look like to them, but dismissed the thought immediately. I could give a fuck what I looked like right now.

"Where the fuck is he?" I spat, my fists clenched, the frayed thread of my patience ready to snap.

"Upstairs. Sec- second door on the right." One of the guys stuttered.

I turned for the stairs taking two at a time, three strides from the landing and I was in front of his room. I lifted my foot and kicked the door, the wood splintering at the lock. It banged against the wall, almost closing again before my hand shot out to stop it.

"What the fu-" Jake yelled, his eyes growing wide as he flipped over from his stomach to his back on the bed. I strode over to him, grabbing two fist fulls of his shirt and hauling him to his feet before slamming his back against the wall and moving so close our noses were nearly touching.

"Why?" I ground out through clenched teeth. He stared at me, unspeaking, for a beat too fucking long. I pulled him away from the wall and slammed him against it again. "Why?" I roared, my body shaking.

He tried to shove me away, but I tightened my hands on his shirt and spun us around, my foot sliding out and tripping him, sending his body flying to the floor as I hovered above him.

"Answer me, Goddamn it!"

"Because I saw you, asshole!" He yelled, his hands wrapping around my wrists. "I saw you with Maggie last night, you piece of shit."

I felt my face slacken, my hands yanking away from Jake's shirt like I'd been burned. I stumbled over him to the other side of the room, my palms slamming flat against the wall as I braced myself.

I heard shuffling behind me, but I didn't bother to turn around, my mind racing as I tried to comprehend the meaning behind his words.

"Got nothing to say now, do you?" He spat. "I thought you had changed. I thought you were the guy from before, my best friend, but better. I've seen you with Bella, I see you two all the damn time. But I made myself scarce because Jared said you'd really fallen for her." He made some sort of disgusted noise that caused me to finally turn and face him.

"And I promised to keep my mouth shut," he continued, his eyes boring into mine. "Because I fucking owed you, because that night had gone so fucking wrong. But now? Watching you grope Maggie, pin her against the wall and kiss her? You fucking disgust me."

I felt the blood drain from my face as my stomach dropped and hot rancid bile erupted and burned the back of my throat so violently my eyes began to water.

"No," I whispered. There was no way he'd just fucking taken everything away from me over a misunderstanding. Surely life wasn't that fucking cruel.

"Yes." he sneered. "So I told her. I told her about us. I told her about what happened with Maggie. I told her about our run in over Thanksgiving. I told her about last night. I told her every fucking thing. And I'm assuming since you're here she actually fucking listened to me. Did she confront you? Or did she do like I suggested and read that fucking diary you write in every day."

"What the fuck, man?" I choked, shaking my head from side to side. I fell against the wall, my fingers gripping my thighs as I bent over, trying to force air into my lungs. I squeezed my eyes shut before shoving my hands into my knees and pushing myself upright.

I stared at him, my disbelief fading as anger rippled through me, igniting a fire that felt like it was clawing its way from underneath my skin.

"What the fuck, man?" My fist slammed into the wall to my right, the sheetrock cracking. My voice had risen, my nose and eyes burning as tears I had no fucking control over my blurred vision.

"What the motherfuck, Jake?" I roared, my eyes never leaving his. I pounded my fist into the wall again, the skin over my knuckles splitting as my entire hand broke through the wall.

"I'm not fucking around with Maggie! She came on to me. She fucking kissed me! I don't fucking cheat." I raised my fist, drawing back once, twice, without making contact, my movement small and jerky, before the weight of my arm was suddenly too much to bear and fell heavily to my side.

I dropped my eyes to the carpet where blood from my knuckles ran down my fingers and dripped onto the floor. I felt so drained, so fucking tired, and so fucking defeated. "I would never fucking cheat on Bella."

"What do you-"

"You did it again." I muttered vacantly, quietly. I slid down the wall until my knees hit the floor and my legs folded underneath me. "You took everything."

My mind bounced all over, different times, different people, last May, this April, Maggie, Bella. Bella. Oh my God, Bella. She knew everything. She read...oh fuck. I began to rock back and forth, my hands rubbing slowly up and down my thighs as blackness danced around the edges of my vision.

"What did I do to make you hate me so much?" I begged.

"I don't understand. What are you saying, Edward?" Jake cut in, his voice seemed lower, or maybe it was muffled by the ringing in my ears.

"Goddamn it Jake, I fucking love her," I gasped, a sob tearing from my chest. "I love her, so much it hurts to fucking breathe." I fisted my hair with both hands and pulled, I needed a diversion, I needed the pain to be somewhere else. Anywhere besides the burning hole in my chest where my heart had been ripped out.

"Oh my God, please...please don't take her from me," I mumbled, coughing out the words as they stuck in my throat, my breathing becoming heavier, faster.

"Ed-"

"No, no, no, I can't...she's everything, she-" I broke off, my teeth grinding together, because the pain, the fucking pain was too much. "She brought me back, she made me want more, she made me a better person."

"Bella picked you...she wanted you...then you were with Maggie... and I thought...I thought I was protecting her..."

I raised my head, my eyes locking with Jake's. The look of pity and shame on his face was almost enough to raise my anger back to the surface, to beat down the lethargy that had settled in my bones. _Almost._

"I was going to tell her. I was going to tell her everything. And now-" my voice faltered as my throat tightened.

"You were really going to tell her? You really didn't-" he trailed off, his hand scrubbing his face roughly. "Maybe I can talk to her. Maybe I can-"

I laughed. It was loud, belly deep and without a trace of humor. "I think you've done enough," I mocked, shaking my head. "Your kind of help is the last thing I need." Abruptly beads of sweat broke the surface of my skin and the room began to spin. Would she ever forgive me? Was this it? Had I really lost her?

An involuntary groan slipped past my lips as my shoulders hunched, an invisible force ramming into my chest and settling there, so fucking heavy. I couldn't breath, why the fuck couldn't I breath? My eyes widened as panic crawled up my spine scratching and clawing, tearing at me from the inside out.

My hands began to shake, my heart hammering against my ribcage, wanting to get out, away from me, escape all the fucking pain. Blood roared in my ears, and still, I couldn't fucking breath. I tried to raise my arms, my fingers twitching to cut into my skin, break it open and peel it away so my lungs could draw in air. I felt like I was dying. No. No. Oh God, I'd lost my fucking mind. Bella. Bella had to know, I had to tell her the truth, she couldn't think that what I wrote all those months ago was what I felt now. She couldn't think that I didn't love her. What if she never let me explain?

Someone was speaking, but it was muffled, underwater. I was going to suffocate on the bedroom floor of the asshole who took away the best fucking part of me. I heard yelling, I heard fighting, something breaking, but I...I needed air.

"Edward!"

I was moving. No, I was shaking. Something, someone, I felt hands on me. I needed...God someone get the fucking pressure off my chest. Can't they see it? Why aren't they helping me?

"C'mon man. Deep breaths. It's Jared."

I pried my swollen eyes open, bright colors and dark spots blending and swirling, blurring everything from sight. And still, no more than a puff of air would enter my lungs.

"Edward. Listen to me. You have got to fucking breath man."

His voice sharpened, something slammed against my back, and then I was gasping. Warm air slicing down my dry throat and expanding my lungs forcefully.

"That's it."

Another breath, then another. My vision focused, my senses cleared, and my lungs filled and released. But the dull ache in my chest, the one that had nothing to do with breathing and everything to do with my heart, it marched on.

I focused on Jared, his eyes were wide and frantic, his fingers curled around my arms. I pushed his hands away and shook my head.

"I gotta go," I slurred, my tongue thick.

"No dude. Hold up. You need to stay put, just...wait." He pleaded, quietly.

"I can't be here. I can't- I need to get out of here." I stumbled to my feet, wiping the back of my hand across my forehead where sweat gathered at my hairline.

I heard his protest, heard him call my name, but I kept moving. Down the stairs, past the crowd gathered in the living room, and out the door. I flinched as I stepped onto the lawn, the piercing sunlight causing my eyes to slide shut. I had no idea where I was going, or what I was going to do, but my gut told me I wouldn't figure out the answer to either of those questions if the destination didn't lead me back to Bella.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Awe hell. So there it is. We gotta rough road ahead guys, hope y'all stay with me.**

**Cejsmom is my beta, in case I haven't mentioned it..she's totally awesome.**

**Meg, Julie, Kelly, Amber, and Rose are the most bad ass pre readers EVA. Their honesty about their likes and dislikes in each chapter make this story so much better. **

**Also, I post teasers every week on twitter, livieliv79, come chat with me! Thanks for reading! Mwah! **


	18. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Consequences are unpitying. ~George Eliot<em>

**Chapter Seventeen**

I felt softness under my cheek, the scent of blackberry and lilacs surrounded me as my chest relaxed and I took deep, easy breaths. I smiled lazily, still groggy in my sleep as I reached over to pull Bella to me, my hand clutching only cold, untouched sheets.

Like diving into a tub of ice water, reality hit me, frigid and unforgiving; like a thousand knives all seeking purchase on exposed skin. Suddenly yesterday came flooding back and any relief I'd felt was eradicated, that dull hollow ache creeping back, spreading through me. I groaned and hugged the pillow closer to my face, Bella's pillow that still smelled exactly like her.

"Are you really awake this time, bro?" Emmett asked from somewhere behind me.

I dug my fingers into the pillow once before rolling over and facing him. He sat at my desk, his elbows resting on his knees, his back hunched over, and his face haggard.

"How long have you been here?" I croaked, my throat raw, my words thick.

He scrubbed his hand over his face and sighed. "Jared called me yesterday. He told me what Jake had done," he said pointedly. "I called you at least two dozen times, walked all over campus...I even called Bella." He added quietly.

I jerked upright, my entire body stiff. "Did you talk to her? What did she say? Was she okay?" I asked quickly, my heartbeat accelerating.

He shook his head and looked down at his clasped hands, his face drawn. And just as quickly as my heart began to race, it fell with a heavy thud in my chest. "She didn't answer." I muttered.

"No." He shook his head. "But dude, you scared the shit out of me. Jared said you had a fucking panic attack." he remarked, his voice full of disbelief. "And then you wouldn't answer your damn phone. I have no idea when you got home, I woke up and you were here."

"Panic attack? Is that what happened to me yesterday? I thought I was dying." I confessed, throwing my legs off the bed and mimicking Emmett's position.

"Jared said it was the scariest shit he'd ever seen. After I looked everywhere I could think of I came here..." he trailed off, his face pained, but his eyes, his eyes looked angry.

I felt a lump rise in my throat remembering the way I'd left the living room yesterday, and what Emmett would have seen.

"Emmett..." I sighed, shaking my head.

"Oh don't worry," he cut in, a humorless chuckle pushing a gust of air past his lips. "Rose was already cleaning up your mess when I got here."

I felt the color drain from my face. Rose saw all of those pages ripped out, just lying there for her to read? I fisted my hair in my hands and rocked forward, it seemed me and worst case scenario were getting well and truly acquainted.

"Does she hate me?" I asked nervously, my palms beginning to sweat.

Emmett sighed heavily and sat back in the chair, his eyes boring into me. "Funny story," he started, his voice laced with sarcasm, "so Rose is pissed, and yelling and demanding to know what in the hell is going on. She has all these pages spread out and she keeps asking 'did you know? Did you know, Emmett'. So I told her I did. I tried to explain how when you started going after Bella, while your intentions in the beginning were less than honorable, the moment you found out Bella was single everything changed."

He licked his lips and leaned forward, his face a mixture of hurt and disappointment as he thrust a wrinkled sheet of paper onto my lap. I looked down, already knowing what I'd find.

"Fuck," I breathed, my eyes scanning the words I'd written after I'd ran into Jake at Thanksgiving. When I'd decided to keep seeing Bella because Jake couldn't have her. When I'd lied and told Emmett it was because I really liked her.

"Exactly." he deadpanned. "She called me a liar and threw that same piece of paper at me. Imagine my shock when I realized you weren't the least bit stingy with your lies. That you made sure we all got a piece of your deceit."

"Emmett, I'm sorry-"

"I don't wanna hear it Edward." He interrupted. "What in the hell is wrong with you, man? Who are you?"

"When I wrote this?" I asked, sadly. "I have no fucking idea."

We were both quiet, the crinkling of the paper twisting in my hands the only sound.

"Where's Rose now?" I hadn't heard her since we'd been talking and I imagined she would already have lit into me if she were here.

Emmett huffed out a groan and stretched his legs in front of him. "She not here. She's really fucking upset Edward." He pulled in a deep breath and shook his head. "She went to stay with one of her friends last night, said she couldn't deal with both of us right now. But I had to tell her I knew, I couldn't lie to her face. I couldn't take the chance..." he trailed off.

"Of ending up like me," I finished quietly as I slowly nodded my head. "I'm sorry that I dragged you into all this, that I lied, and let what happened turn me into someone no one recognized."

He stared at me a second then sighed. "Fuck, bro, I know that. But I guess...I didn't realize how bad things were. Your journal...Bella saw it right?" He grimaced, his shoulders curving inward.

My jaw flexed, my fist tightening around the paper still in my hand. "Yes." I hissed through clenched teeth.

"Fuck."

"Exactly." I retorted.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to get her back." I said, vehemently.

"But what if-" he started, before I cut that shit off.

"No." I spat. "Don't. I can't- I can't think like that. I have to get her back. I refuse to believe it's over. I can't accept that." I dropped the paper to the floor and rubbed my hand over my face. I couldn't picture her gone from my life for good.

"I love her, Em," I whispered, the heat that'd coiled in my body only seconds earlier fading as I thought about her.

I imagined how she must feel, thinking everything we'd shared was a lie. And worse, thinking I'd been with Maggie. The facts were bad enough, but add that on top of everything else...shit.

"You've got your work cut out for you." Emmett pointed out.

"Don't I fucking know it."

"And not just with Bella. Rose will be here soon, and then you have to think about Mom and Dad, her family..." he let out a low whistle, his face pinched. "Dude, you fucked up bad."

"Yes. I'm aware." I said flatly. "And not that it matters at this point, but I'd planned on telling her. I was going to tell her everything after my physical. But, well...that obviously didn't happen."

Emmett sighed and rose to his feet. "I hope you can fix this, because I really like Bella. And Rose, well she thinks of Bella like a sister already. But mostly," he swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck, "I hate the thought of you going through life knowing you lost _The One_. Because she is, Edward. And to lose her for good would be a damn shame."

He turned and walked out the door without another word. But he didn't need to say anything else. The crushing weight of his words more than hit the mark. I blinked back tears, digging my teeth roughly into my bottom lip. I had scammed so many people with my lies and anger and utter and complete bullshit. I had so many people to apologize to, so many people I had to beg for their forgiveness.

I spent the rest of the morning doing mundane shit around the apartment. Emmett had left a little after we'd talked to meet Rose before class. I knew she was pissed, but she'd forgive him, plus at this point I'd lied to him just as much as everyone else. Maybe they could bond over how much of an asshole I'd been.

He also warned me that he'd be working tonight so it would be just me and Rose here this afternoon. No part of me was looking forward to that confrontation, but I knew better than to try and avoid her, it would only make matters worse.

By one o'clock I was pacing the living room fidgety, anxious, and on edge. For the first time since I'd started college I wished I had class on Fridays. Because knowing I had three full days with nothing to do, that I wouldn't see or speak to Bella, made my stomach twist and flip.

I'd picked up my phone a dozen times to call her, but after getting her voicemail a few times, it almost hurt more knowing she wasn't even giving me the option to contact her. I was so fucking torn about what to do, on the one hand I knew I needed to give her some space, let her calm down. But on the other hand, she'd been given some monumental untruths. And I needed at the very least the set the record straight about Maggie.

I remembered how hurt she'd been when she told me about that douche Peter. There was no way I could let her think I'd done the same thing.

The front door slammed shut, jolting me from my thoughts, my entire body stiffening in response. I drew in a deep breath and stuffed my hands in my pockets before turning and facing the front door.

Rose hung her purse and kicked off her shoes before dropping her books onto the table in the hall. She'd yet to even glance my way. I rocked up on the balls of my feet, completely unsure what the fuck I should do at this point. She took a few steps towards the living room before turning and heading back into the kitchen.

"Shit," I whispered, yanking my hands from my pockets and rubbing them up and down the front of my jeans. I could hear her moving around the kitchen, random cabinet doors slamming shut. I fell heavily onto the couch, resting my elbows on my knees, and waited. After she slammed a few more doors I heard her feet shuffling across the floor.

I lifted my gaze and watched as she crossed the living room and sat in the chair across from me, her eyes facing forward, chin lifted, and shoulders back. I'd rather she yell and scream at me than this calm, indifferent shit.

But I waited. I waited as she grabbed a magazine off the coffee table and flipped through the pages nonchalantly. I waited as she took slow sips from her wine glass. But when she turned on the television I couldn't stand it any longer.

"Rose-"

"I'm so mad at you right now." She spat, her voice low, biting.

I pressed my lips together, unsure if I should try and speak to her again. She set her glass down and turned her head towards me, her eyes scanning me from head to toe.

"You look like shit." She pointed out, nodding her head slowly.

I looked down at my clothes, they were the same things I'd been wearing yesterday. I didn't notice the blood on my jeans and bottom of my shirt until now.

"Does it hurt?" She asked, her eyes focused on my hand.

I studied my knuckles, they were swollen and bruised with dried blood caked around the split skin. I shrugged and nodded, cause yeah, it did kinda fucking hurt.

"Good."

"C'mon Rose..." I trailed off. Because what the fuck could I say? I had no excuse. But it didn't matter, because the comment was all she needed to let out everything she'd been holding in since she walked through the door.

"C'mon Rose, what, Edward?" She mocked, sitting up straight in her chair. "C'mon Rose, don't be mad that I was a huge fucking jerk who used a girl to get back at an asshole who wasn't even worth it? Or c'mon Rose, don't be mad that I asked Emmett to keep shit from you because I knew you would rat my ass out. Maybe c'mon Rose, don't be mad that I pulled you into my lies and made you cover for me without even knowing."

She jumped up from the chair and came around the coffee table until she was directly in front of me and sat on the edge so we were eye level. "No wait. I have it. I know." she sneered. "It's c'mon Rose, don't be mad that I fucked up my relationship with the best fucking thing that's ever happened to me, who also happened to become one of your best friends. Does that about cover it, Edward?" Her breathing was heavy, her eyes blazing as she swiped tears angrily from her cheeks.

I couldn't hold the intensity of her gaze, my eyes shifting to the floor in shame. I worked my jaw, trying to get my emotions under control, having Rose spell out everything I'd done in such a blunt, simple way was just as effective as reading those damn pages ripped from my journal.

But the burn in my nose, and the tightening in my throat would not be suppressed, neither would the ragged breath that I sucked in as tears gathered in the corners of my eyes. I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment I became such a pussy, but I'm pretty sure it coincided with when I fell in love with Bella.

"I get it," I choked, pressing my palms into my eyes. "I fucked up. Bad. I have no excuse. I'm an asshole." She was quiet for a minute before letting out a huge sigh.

"Were." Rose argued, her voice so soft I barely heard her.

"What?"

"You _were_ an asshole. A major one. And I'm so damn disappointed in you. But that guy you were last summer and apparently when you wrote that disgusting shit in your journal, that's not who you are." She reached out and put her hand on my knee and squeezed.

I lifted my head and met her gaze, her eyes reflecting none of the anger from before, but so full of disappointment it was actually worse.

"I'm sorry Rose. I'm sorry for everything."

"I know you are," she nodded, "but I'm not ready to forgive you. I can't, because you have hurt me with your lies and deceit. I thought that we were closer than that Edward. I thought our relationship meant more. I never thought you would put your brother in the position where he had to keep something from me. Although I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, look what you've kept from Bella and you're in love with her."

I winced at her words knowing that as much as I had hurt Emmett and Rose, it was nothing, not even a blip compared to what I'd done to Bella.

"Have you talked to her?" I asked quietly.

"My relationship with Bella is none of your business." She snapped, the break in her voice letting me know she hadn't.

"I don't know what to do." I whispered.

"Well, I guess you better figure it out. Because I won't help you, you don't deserve my help. You don't deserve anyone's help. You made this mess, and you should suffer through fixing it, _if _you can fix it." She stressed.

"I know." I agreed, feeling the familiar tingle as anxiety burst from my chest and spread through my body.

"I'm not be turning my back on you, because you're my family and I love you, regardless of how little I like you right now, but make no mistake, we are not okay." She stood, moving around the side of the table and grabbing her glass of wine.

"If you can't fix this Edward," she sighed, shaking her head, "you have no one to blame but yourself." She turned and left the room, her bedroom door clicking shut softly behind her.

I stood from the couch, my nerves coiling my muscles into a knot so tight it physically hurt. I shuffled to my room and pulled out some clean clothes, wanting to wash all traces of my confrontation with Jake away.

And as fucking pissed at him as I was, a part of me knew that had I fucking dealt with this situation months ago, none of this would have happened. Had I told her everything, maybe... My thoughts trailed off, because there was no maybe, there were no do-overs or what-ifs. There was only now, and the fucked up situation I'd created.

I stood under the spray of water, the temperature so hot that my skin had flushed bright red, the burn from the heat stealing my breath. I had to come up with a plan, figure out how to convince her to listen to me, to make her believe what we have is real, but mostly make her see how much I love her.

The afternoon passed quietly, Emmett had come home earlier and went straight to his room. I could hear quiet murmurs through the wall as he and Rose talked, but for the most part they seemed to be okay. Which I was so fucking grateful for, because as torn up as I was about what I'd done to me and Bella, I'd never forgive myself if I caused Emmett to lose Rose.

After I'd showered and dressed I found myself once more restlessly moving around the apartment. From the living room, to the kitchen, and back to my bedroom again I paced. My fingers curled tightly around my phone.

Where was she? Was she at home? Was she working? Was anyone with her? I couldn't stop the barrage of questions from running through my head on replay. I knew she wasn't scheduled to work tonight, but maybe she'd picked up a shift, maybe someone had called in sick.

Before I gave myself a chance to second guess my decision, I'd grabbed my keys and flown out the door. I wouldn't try to talk to her if she was at work, I wouldn't do that to her. But to be able to see her, to know she was okay, the urge became so strong there was no way I could stop myself from heading across campus to the coffee shop.

By the time I'd reached the front of the store my hands were sweating and my mouth was completely dry. I slowed my pace and shifted so I could see in through the front glass. Several people were lined up in front of the counter, but after watching for several minutes it was clear that Bella was not there.

I closed my eyes, a rueful smile tugging at the corners of my mouth as I realized how much I'd hoped she'd be there. I turned and walked back across campus, not really paying attention to the people around me, most of whom were probably on their way to meet up with friends and head out to parties or dinner.

I wondered how long I could realistically give Bella the space I knew she needed. She obviously wasn't ready to talk to me since she'd yet to turn her phone on.

I passed the library, memories of the last time we were here together flooded my mind. When she'd called and said her study group was working late, so I'd come over to bring her some food and instead ended up making out with her in the back corner of the library.

Everywhere I looked I was reminded of places we'd been and things we'd done together. It almost seemed like I was subconsciously being led to places that held memories of her. That theory was confirmed when I found myself standing in front of her apartment.

I pulled my phone from my jeans and stared down at it, warring with myself over whether or not I should knock on her door, or if I should try calling her again. I climbed the stairs to her apartment, unable to fight the pull to be closer to her, to a place that was a constant for her.

I dropped my forehead against her door, my hand coming to rest beside my head, my palm flattening and pressing into the wood. For the first time all day I felt some of the anxiety leak from my body, my chest a little less weighted.

I opened my phone and scrolled to her name, I knew she wouldn't answer, and I knew she needed time, but there was one thing I couldn't leave unsaid for another moment. Her phone flipped immediately over to voicemail. just like it had every other time I'd called, except this time I waited for the message to end and for the beep to sound.

"Bella, hey. It's me." I started nervously, my fist tightening into a ball as I held it against her door. "I know you probably hate me so fucking much right now that the sound of my voice is making you sick. I also know that it doesn't matter one fucking bit that I was going to tell you everything yesterday, because you wouldn't believe me anyway." I twisted my body until my back was flush against the door and slid to the floor. I pulled my knees into my chest and let my head fall as I continued to talk, as I tried to find the words to explain. "But _you_ need to know that not everything you were told yesterday was the truth. I wasn't with Maggie. I haven't been with anyone since the moment you agree to go out with me. I may be a lot of things, but a cheater isn't one of them. You have to know that. I'd never cheat on you, baby." I whispered, my voice cracking as I tried to choke out my words. "And I meant what I said yesterday, I know the timing was shitty and awful, but...I love you so fucking much. Please," I begged. "please don't tell me it's over, that you can't forgive me. If you need time, I'll give you time. I'll give you whatever you need, I'll wait forever for you Bella."

I pulled the phone away from my ear and pressed it against my forehead as I ended the call. Completely drained I slumped forward, my arms folding over my knees, my face resting on my arms. I didn't want to leave, I didn't want to go back to my apartment and face Rose and Emmett, to find my room empty and cold. Sitting here on the floor in front of her apartment was the closest I'd felt to her since she'd walked out of my apartment yesterday, and I was in no hurry for that feeling to end.

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><p><strong>AN**

**This update is a day early because it's the lovely Jessypt's birthday! This chapter is for you bb, Happy, Happy Birthday!**

**cejsmom=beta ninja. She also spends WAY more time than should be necessary helping me change ONE FREAKING WORD. Thank you so, so much!**

**Meg, Julie, Kelly, Amber, and Rose are my fab five that give me amazing feedback! **

**Y'all blew me away with your reviews and feedback for the last chapter, thank y'all so much for your kind words. And thanks for reading!**


	19. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine<em>

**Chapter Eighteen **

_May 2011_

It'd been a week since Bella stormed out of my apartment. I'd continued to call and text her randomly, not wanting to overwhelm her, but fuck, I needed her to know I wasn't giving up.

Her absence in my life took a part of me and left nothing but a black void in its place. I missed talking to her, holding her, just _being_ with her. It twisted my heart, the pain cracking open my chest.

Every day seemed harder than the last, and all I could wonder was when would it become too much. There was only so much heartache a person could take before it broke them. I thought about all of the little things I'd taken for granted, the moments I'd allowed to slip through my fingers, and how their memory became a source of daily torment.

The weekend passed painfully slow. I'd kept my phone crushed in my hand at all times, hoping that she'd call and praying that she wouldn't. As long as I didn't hear from her, I could believe I still had a chance; that even though she was hurt and pissed, we'd talk eventually.

I just had to give her time.

_Time_.

The word had become my mantra, and the problem with that was it also measured every moment she was gone.

After a sleepless Sunday night, my foggy brain let Monday morning serve as the cruelest of reminders of exactly how much my life would be changed without her.

On autopilot, my feet carried me to the coffee shop, my mind foolishly hoping she'd be sitting at our usual table. I hoped that she'd have a cup of coffee clutched between her hands, smiling sleepily as she leaned up from her chair, pressing her lips to mine, whispering a quiet 'good morning'.

But she wasn't there, and in her place sat another girl smiling softly at a guy across from her, their hands clasped under the table. I felt sick to my stomach and irrationally pissed at the same time. It felt as though we'd been replaced by another couple, a couple that didn't have lies and deceit hovering over them, turning their relationship into something ugly.

However, by Wednesday afternoon, I'd given anything to go back to Monday. The brutality I'd felt on Monday was _nothing_ compared to the all consuming hopelessness I felt when I laid eyes on Bella for the first time. She was cutting across the quad, her books clutched to her chest, her head down.

I stopped dead in my tracks and watched her pass, my eyes drinking in every detail, because she was _so fucking close_.

She could apparently feel my eyes on her because she lifted her head, her eyes locking with mine and causing her steps to falter. Her face seemed more pale than usual, her eyes darker and just _so _fucking sad.

My entire body was strung tight, the pull in my chest straining to be closer, to touch her. I wanted, fucking _needed_ to pull her against me and tell her how sorry I was and that I loved her more than anything.

I sucked in a deep breath, and with our gazes locked, took a step towards her. But the flash of pain that crossed her face as she clenched her eyes shut and shook her head kept me frozen in place.

She hesitated only a second before spinning on her heel and quickly taking off in the opposite direction, but not fast enough for me to miss the twin trails of tears that spilled down her cheeks.

I gritted my teeth against the ache of seeing her cry, the ache of knowing that I was the reason for her tears. My efforts weren't enough to stop my face from mirroring hers, my eyes burning as tears gathered and fell. I lifted my shoulder and pressed my cheek against it, letting the fabric of my shirt absorb the emotions that my body couldn't.

For the next two weeks, like a complete fucking masochist, I couldn't stop myself from showing up in places where I knew she'd be. I stayed out of sight, convincing myself it was because I didn't want to upset her, but the fucking truth was that watching her walk away twice nearly crippled me, and I couldn't do it again.

I tried to occupy my time, to channel everything and feel some semblance of control over my life. I woke up early, I studied, I kept to myself...and I ran. It had become almost like a ritual to me, and this morning was no different.

My chest burned as I pulled steady, measured breaths into my lungs. My feet pounded against the pavement, matching the pulsing beat of the music in my ears. My muscles strained and shook as I pushed myself harder, fighting back fatigue as my body greedily drank the last reserves of my energy.

I turned the final corner onto my street and sprinted the distance to the front of my building, my legs wobbling before I collapsed onto the cement steps out front.

Draping my arms over my knees, I leaned forward to catch my breath, the music still blaring in my ears, the beat softer, slower. Which is why I failed to hear anyone approach until a shoe flashed in front of me and nudged my foot. I snapped my head up, my mouth falling open as I stared at the familiar face in front of me.

I yanked the buds from my ears, my mouth opening and closing several times as I tried to figure out what to say.

"Edward." Jasper nodded, hands shoved in his pockets, his face giving nothing away.

"Jasper, hey man. What, uh, are you doing here?" I stuttered, suddenly wondering if he was about to kick my ass. I'd just run eight miles and could barely stand, he wouldn't get much of a fight from me if that's what he was looking for. Not that I'd actually fight him anyway, I'd pretty much accepted the fact that I deserved everything I got at this point.

"I'm here to pick you up. We're going fishing today, remember?" he asked, casually dropping onto the step beside me and stretching out his legs.

"I, uh, didn't realize that we were still going. I mean... " I wrapped my fingers around the back of my neck and squeezed, the fingers of my other hand tapping nervously against my thigh. I huffed out a breath, willing my hand to still.

"Have you talked to Bella?" I asked quietly, there was no way he'd be here if so. But what if he hadn't talked to her, then who had she talked to? Was she alone? Shit, I didn't want her to be alone. I didn't want any of this.

"Yup," he answered, breaking me from my thoughts. "I talked to her this morning as a matter of fact. Now are you going fishing like that or do you need to change before we go meet Charlie?"

Charlie? Oh, fuck no. My heartbeat quickened and my hands began to sweat as I thought about Charlie and his many, _many_ guns. Why else would Jasper be here to take me fishing? They obviously knew what happened with Bella. So, what, they lure me out into the middle of the lake and shoot me? Tie some rocks to my body and watch me sink to the bottom?

"Oh, man." Japser chuckled. "I knew I should have recorded this. Your face, dude... shit." He shook his head, a wry grin lingering on his lips.

"Wouldn't want any evidence," I muttered, shifting away from him.

"Everything's fine. Well, not _fine_, but Charlie wants to talk to you. I even called Emmett to tag along, so he should be getting ready now." He nodded, his demeanor calming.

"Look, man, I don't know if this is such a good idea," I responded hesitantly. "I don't want to piss Bella off any more than she probably already is. There was some shit she was told that wasn't true and if she still believes it..." I trailed off, my words sticking in my throat.

Jasper groaned and rubbed his hand over his face before twisting his body towards me, his face scrunched, conflicted. "Shit, I told her I didn't want to play messenger, that if she wanted to talk to you she should call you herself." He sighed. "But you are one sad looking bastard, so I'll tell you what she told me."

My entire body went rigid as I waited for him to speak. She'd wanted him to tell me something? Was she going to give me a chance to explain? Was she going to tell me to fuck off and to quit calling her? And why the fuck was it taking Jasper so long to tell me what the fuck she said?

"C'mon man, you're killing me here," I begged. Yes, I begged.

"She got your voicemail...about Maggie."

I felt the air deflate from my lungs and my shoulders relax. It wasn't much, but it was something.

"And?" I pushed, needing to know anything he was willing to share.

"She's uh...conflicted?" he asked more than stated, like he was unsure exactly how to describe what she was feeling.

"Conflicted? As in she doesn't believe me? Fuck," I spat, jumping to my feet. "I messed up so fucking bad—"

"Yeah, you did," he cut in. "And I don't know all of the details, but some of the shit she told Alice she read in your journal...man." He whistled lowly. "You're lucky I didn't let her loose on you."

"Exactly," I said pointedly. "I said some horrible shit, acted like a dick, and could not have been more of an all around asshole if I tried. So, forgive me if I'm a little confused as to why you're sitting here talking to me instead of punching my face in. And more importantly, why Charlie has any interest in seeing me unless it's to put a bullet in my ass."

"Okay, let's start with your first question," he said slowly, holding his hands up in a placating manner. "I said Bella was conflicted. I never said she didn't believe you. That's a lot of shit for someone to take all at once, and she needs to sort through everything. And honestly, I don't know if things will ever work out between you two. All I know is that she wanted me to tell you she got your message and that she needs time."

I chose to ignore his comment about his uncertainty of us working things out and instead focused on what else he'd said.

"Time? I can do that. I can give her time. I just...I can't have her thinking I don't care," I mumbled, pacing in front of the steps.

"And as far as why I'm not punching you and Charlie isn't pointing a gun at you...well, that's for Charlie to explain."

I nodded my head in acceptance. I wasn't going to be able to avoid Charlie unless I never planned on seeing Bella again, and since just the very thought of that made me want to vomit I knew it wasn't an option.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry. Bella's your cousin and I hurt her. The fact that you're even speaking to me is more than I deserve," I admitted, shrugging my shoulders and trying to hide my shame about everything.

"Edward, move your ass. We're losing daylight," Emmett yelled from the top of the stairs before Jasper had a chance to respond.

I sighed and moved towards the stairs. "Give me ten minutes."

I ran into the bathroom and stripped out of my sweaty clothes, taking the fastest shower of my life before throwing on some old clothes and pulling on my Vans. My whole body thrummed with nerves as I tried to prepare myself for seeing Charlie face to face.

The ride to the lake was quiet. Emmett and Jasper spoke occasionally, but left me alone, which I appreciated since I sure as hell wasn't in any frame of mind to carry on a conversation.

Charlie stood by his car as we parked, my eyes dropping on their own accord when I noticed him watching us. I wondered, not for the first time, how I was going to look this man in the eye after what I'd done to his daughter.

As soon as we'd climbed out of Jasper's car and moved our gear to the boat, Charlie came up behind me and slapped me on the shoulder before shoving a beer into my chest.

"Damn, you're an idiot, son," Charlie scolded, his voice colored with disappointment.

"Amongst other things," I added, because _idiot_ was putting it nicely.

He grunted and threw his cooler in the boat, then motioned for me to get in. We were quiet while we moved towards the middle of the lake, everyone busying themselves with getting their fishing poles ready.

After we'd stopped and finally casts our lines, I decided to man up and ask the question that was driving me insane.

"Why'd you still want me to come here today?" I asked, my eyes darting quickly to his then back out over the lake.

"Well," he sighed, "I like to think I'm a pretty good judge of character. And from the time I've spent with you and the way you dote on my daughter, either I'm losing my touch, or you're one hell of an actor."

"It's not an act," I blurted out immediately, not wanting him to think there was any hesitation in my thoughts.

"Didn't think so." He nodded. "I still ought to kick your ass for making my little girl cry, and to be fair, I haven't entirely ruled that option out." His pointed glare let me know he wasn't kidding.

I swallowed thickly and looked down at my hands. "That's fair."

"It is," he said firmly, "but it wouldn't solve shit." He pulled his hat off and ran his hand through his hair before pulling it back on tightly and grabbing a beer. "Now I tend to mind my own business and let Bella handle her own affairs, she's done it her whole life without my help, so I see no need to interfere now. But when Alice comes banging down my door demanding that I shoot or maim you somehow, well, I had no choice but to listen."

"Told you," Jasper mumbled across from me while Emmett coughed back a laugh.

Charlie sighed and shook his head. "And what she told me, well it just doesn't make a damn bit of sense. I understand that you were angry, but that had to be about the stupidest damn idea I'd ever heard. And as a cop, let me tell you son, I've heard some stupid ones."

"That wasn't me," I promised. "I've never been that kind of person. I don't know...I hate who I became." I took a pull from my beer, my mouth suddenly bone dry.

"Look, we've all made mistakes. We've done things that we want to kick our own asses for and, whether we want to admit it or not, we've hurt the ones we love," he explained. "All I'm telling you is, if you want something you gotta fight for it. Don't give up, because you'll have nothing but regret." His voice has dropped and when I looked at him he was staring out over the water, a faraway look in his eye. I suddenly got the feeling we weren't talking about me anymore.

"I'm not giving up. I know I fuc—" I paused. "I know I messed up, but..." I groaned in frustration, trying to find the words to make him understand how determined I was to fix all of the mistakes I'd made.

"But you love her. I can't promise you that she'll ever forgive you, Edward," he said seriously, causing my heart to drop. "The reason I invited you here, the reason I haven't done like Alice asked, is because the girl who moved here last year, and the one I saw three weeks ago could not possibly be more different. Bella was the happiest I've ever seen her, and it was because of you. Now, she's not so happy, which is also because of you, so I expect you to make it right. If she does forgive you, gives you another chance, and you hurt her again...let's just say I know how deep this lake is."

"I understand. And for the record, I do love her. I'll never be able to make her or anyone else understand just how sorry I am for everything, for hurting her."

"It's not me you need to convince, but regardless, good luck with that." He tipped his beer at me and turned back to his fishing, the conversation over.

We spent the rest of the afternoon listening to Charlie and Jasper tell us stories about trips they'd gone on in the past. By the time we made it home I was completely wiped and wanted nothing more than to fall into bed and sleep for a week.

Before I closed my eyes, like I'd done every night for the last two weeks, I pulled Bella's pillow to my face and inhaled her rapidly fading scent before checking my phone. And just like every other night there was nothing there.

But tonight, after spending time with Charlie and Jasper, I needed to feel some sort of connection with her, even if it was only one sided. I pulled up her name and typed out a text, hoping since she'd listened to my message, she'd read my texts as well.

**I miss you. -Edward**

The second half of May passed just like the first, with the exception of one text from Bella telling me she 'just wasn't ready yet.' Of course, she'd only done that after I'd drunkenly texted her and threatened to sleep on her doorstep.

With classes winding down, and no idea what Bella planned on doing after graduation, I began to wonder if I really had fucked things up beyond repair.

I ran, I lifted, I studied, and I slept. I didn't go out, didn't socialize; I just didn't give a shit about anything. Even Rose had started hounding me, telling me that staying holed up in my room all the time wasn't healthy, but I just...didn't care.

"Okay, enough of this shit!" Rose yelled from outside my bedroom door, trying to turn the knob unsuccessfully. I'd taken to locking it after she continued to barge into my room. "Edward, you can't keep doing this. And I've told you a dozen times that you got a letter from the FBI a few days ago, don't you want to know what it says?"

_No_. I wasn't interested in knowing what it said. Because it involved my future, and thinking about that with everything so fucked up was not something I could deal with right now. I stayed silent, and after a few minutes l heard Rose sigh before stomping down the hall and slamming the front door.

I knew I had no right to feel sorry for myself because I'd created this mess, but that didn't stop the hole in my chest from throbbing. I fucking missed my girl and she wouldn't talk to me. I had no idea where she was, what she was doing, or if I would ever have the answers to any of those questions.

I spent the next day hunched over textbooks, trying to get some last minute cramming done before finals. Rose cleared her throat, causing me to jump as she leaned against the doorframe, her arms crossed, her face pinched and obviously annoyed.

She thrust her arm out and dropped a piece of folded paper on top of my book, her eyes locked with mine. I broke away from her and looked down, immediately recognizing the FBI letterhead.

"What the fuck, Rose?" I demanded, fisting the paper in my hand.

"Don't start your shit with me, Edward," she threatened, her eyes narrowing. "You can't just sit here and stick your head in the fucking sand and expect everything to wait for you. You may never get her back, so you need to accept that."

I ground my teeth together because I was so fucking sick of everyone saying that to me. I didn't care if they believed it was the truth. I didn't care that it'd been a month and she still hadn't contacted me. I refused to believe it was over. I fucking refused to accept that.

"I know I told you I wouldn't help you, but I also wasn't considering certain things..." she trailed off, her voice softer. She sucked in a huge breath and let her words out in a rush. "I talked to Bella and she's agreed to see you."

I was on my feet and in front of her before she'd even finished speaking. "What? You talked to Bella? When? What did she say? She's going to let me see her? What made you change your mind?" I asked rapidly, not even sure she understood half of my words, but too fucking nervous to care.

Rose smiled at me sadly, which wasn't at all the look I was expecting when she'd just told me that Bella is willing to see me, and it felt like rocks in my stomach. "What is it Rose?" I whispered.

"You got in. You're going to work for the FBI. Training starts in three weeks and lasts for five months in Quantico, Virginia." She tried to smile, but it fell flat.

My tongue felt like lead as I tried to speak. "Does Bella know? Did you tell her? Is that why she's agreed to see me? To tell me goodbye?" I choked, my throat tightening at the realization that I really had lost her.

"She doesn't know. She only knows that something big has happened, and that I wouldn't have talked to her about you if I didn't think it was important." She reached up and hugged me before whispering in my ear. "Good luck."

She turned and left me standing in my doorway, my fist clenched around the paper still in my hand. A million different times I'd thought about what I'd say to Bella if she finally gave me the chance to explain, but now...like this, I didn't know what to do. Everything felt so final, almost like this was my last chance, and it very well could be.

I walked over to my desk and snatched up my phone, debating on whether to send her a text or call her when my phone beeped. My heart started to pound in my chest as I looked down and saw Bella's name flash across my screen. My hands shook as opened her message.

**Next Monday. After finals. I can't before then. I'll text you the details later. -Bella**

Next Monday—which was almost a week away—meant my time with her before I left for training was now two weeks instead of three.

Sinking lower into my chair, I stared at her message, letting hope seep in, even as dread threatened to completely overwhelm me. I read her words over and over again, searching for some hidden meaning, but knowing I'd find none.

I wasn't sure if two weeks was enough time to fix anything, but it was the only fucking chance I had, and I wasn't going to blow it. Even if she didn't want to work things out—even if she didn't want to be my fucking friend—I couldn't leave for training without her knowing how much I fucking loved her.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Thanks to Cejsmom for spending so much time with me editing this beast. **

**Thanks Julie, and Rose for prereading, and to Kelly for highlighting half of the chapter, telling me it sucked, and making me rewrite it. I would have flounced you had you not. **

**And Meg, honey, you know why. YOU KNOW! lol**

***At the end of the last chapter, where Edward left the voice mail for Bella, I chose crappy word choice and made it seem like Edward was lying to Bella, AGAIN. That wasn't my intention and I have since corrected it. Thanks to those of you that caught it and pointed it out!**

**Also there is an outtake on my profile of the night Rose and Bella went to the movies in Rose POV if anyone is interested. See y'all next week! Thanks for reading!**


	20. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Distance not only gives nostalgia, but perspective, and maybe objectivity. ~Robert Morgan<em>

**Chapter Ninteen**

_June 2011_

I paced the living room. I checked the time. I made sure there wasn't shit everywhere... and then I did it all again.

Finals were done, school was over, and my time here was almost up. No matter how hard I tried to pull the reins, to slow things down, the passing of time was unrelenting.

And now, I was finally going to see Bella. I looked down at my phone and read the last couple of texts she'd sent. She'd decided she'd rather meet here instead of her place, obviously feeling the same way I did about meeting in public: that it was a horrible fucking idea.

Rose and Emmett had made themselves scarce, partly because they wanted to give us privacy, and partly because I was driving them batshit crazy.

I tried to keep my cool and focus on what today meant. I thought about the words I'd rehearsed over and over in my head for the past two days. When I reached down to arrange the mail, a soft knock at the front door froze me in place, my hand hovering over the envelopes on the table.

I straightened my back, my body stiff and rigid as I moved down the hall, my chest tightening as the door seemed to move further and further away. One last deep breath and I grasped the doorknob, the metal slick under my sweaty palm.

As soon as the door opened and I stood face to face with her, every thought, every rehearsed line, every pointer I'd given myself on how to handle today disappeared. There was nothing but her, us, and the ache in my chest that doubled and vanished over and over again.

"Bella," I rasped, my throat burning as my nerves sucked me dry. "Come in." I moved to the side as she nodded her head and passed.

I followed her to the living room, noticing her shoulders were set a little too straight, a little too high, her stride almost unnatural. Everything was all wrong, we weren't supposed to be like this.

We were supposed to be easy and carefree; nothing but crude jokes and soft touches, lingering gazes and mischievous smiles. And I wanted that back, all of it.

"Do you want anything to drink? I can get you something, or if you're hungry..." I trailed off, my hand cupping the back of my neck.

"No. I'm fine," she answered softly, her eyes quickly darting to me before sweeping over the room.

I wondered what she was seeing. Was it all of the good times that we'd spent in this room? Lazy Sundays on the couch watching bad television while Emmett and Rose threw popcorn at each other? Or was she remembering the last time she was here, when she'd read my journal and found out all my secrets—when I'd hurt her so fucking badly?

"Rose said there was something important you needed to tell me. I'm assuming she's telling the truth since it goes against our deal, so what's going on?" She moved to the end of the couch and sat down slowly on the very edge of the cushion, like she didn't want to relax for even a second.

"Deal?" I asked, confused.

"Yes." She sighed. "Our deal that we don't talk about you."

I wish I could say her words didn't cut me, but that'd be a lie. "I understand." I nodded. "I'm glad my mistakes and stupidity didn't ruin your friendship with Rose."

"Why am I here, Edward?" she asked, her eyes lifting to mine. But unlike before, she didn't look away. She stared at me, and that fire—_that fucking fire_ that I loved so much about her—was there.

It wasn't alone though, because as hard as she tried, she couldn't cover the weariness reflected in the dark circles under her eyes.

"Bella, I—" I looked over at her and all thoughts about the FBI, the future, and everything else disappeared. There was only one thing I needed to say right now.

I walked around the coffee table and dropped down beside her, my hands automatically grabbing hers. Her eyes widened for a fraction of a second before she tried to pull her hands free from mine, but my hands had a mind of their own. My fingers gripped tighter, the thought of letting her go unimaginable.

"I'm so fucking sorry. Bella, please let me explain. At least hear me out. If—" I choked, the words I needed to say fighting to remain silent, to not be spoken. "Just at least give me that, and if it's what you want...what you _really fucking want_, I'll leave you alone."

I felt shame and sadness as the words left my lips because they tasted like a lie, and they felt like I'd sealed my own fate.

"I don't understand _anything_," she whispered, her face becoming red and blotchy as she tried to hold back the tears I could see filling her eyes.

"I look back at those first few months before I really knew you and I have so much regret, so much shame," I admitted, my eyes trained on our hands—the way my fingers gripped hers tightly as hers laid limp.

"You said horrible things about me. You _used_me," she stressed, her breathing becoming labored. "And you know what?" She snatched her hand from mine and jumped to her feet, her fists balling against her sides.

I stayed in my spot on the couch, letting her keep the space she'd created and allowing her to say what she needed.

"I can give you a pass for some of it. You know, the part where you weren't impressed," she hissed. "Because I know compared to some I'm not that much to look at. Although it never really bothered me until now, so thanks for that," she added sarcastically as she roughly wiped at the tears falling down her cheeks.

I shook my head, wanting to tell her I didn't mean it. That she was beautiful, smart, funny, and fucking perfect in my eyes. I needed her to know that those were the words of a bitter guy who only saw Jake smiling when he didn't deserve to, when he didn't deserve happiness. But she kept talking, completely ignoring my attempt to speak.

"I can even overlook the fact that you set out to ruin a relationship that didn't even exist. If I was willing to cheat on Jake, then I wasn't a very good person to begin with." She squeezed her eyes shut and drew in a deep breath.

"But what I can't ignore—what felt like someone stabbing me in the chest with a rusty switchblade—was what you did _after _you found out we weren't together. How you _knew_ I wasn't with Jake, but you decided to stay with me just to hurt him."

She moved to the other side of the coffee table, her hands knotted in her hair, her lips moving but no sound coming out. I sat motionless, waiting for her to continue, to get out all of her pain and frustration.

"God, Edward." She breathed, her eyes wide as she stared at me. "What did I ever do to deserve this? What did I do to you?"

"You didn't do anything, baby," I whispered, ignoring the way she flinched at my words. "It wasn't about you—"

"The fuck it wasn't!" she screamed, her nostrils flared, eyes blazing. "How can you say that?" She moved around the table towards me.

"Huh?" Her face twisted with anger and hurt as her breaths escaped in quick, harsh bursts. "How in the fuck can you think for one goddamn second that it wasn't about me?" The muscles in her neck strained as her voice shook with the force and volume of her words.

"I'm sorry—" I started, stepping towards her and gripping her arms lightly.

"I don't want you to be sorry," she spat, yanking away from me. "I want you to take it back! I want you to fix it! I want—" she broke off, a sob tearing from her chest. "I want to go back to before, I want to feel like you made me feel before. Not this. Never this."

"Don't you know that I'd give anything to do that?" I croaked, lifting my hands to cup her face, my thumbs brushing over her cheeks. "If I could go back...even if it meant not being with you, never meeting you, I would do it. I would go back and change _everything_ to keep from hurting you."

"But you can't," she whispered. "You can't take it back and you can't fix it."

"Baby, that guy...he's not me. I let my anger eat at me, turn me into someone I'm not. But you have to believe that how I feel about you _now_—how I felt about you before Christmas—"

"You were going to break up with me," she argued.

"Only because I felt guilty for the way I'd treated you," I promised. "I thought that ending things was the least I could do."

"But you didn't."

"I _couldn't_," I stressed. "That's when I knew. I knew that my feelings had nothing to do with Jake, and when you showed up on New Years, I just...I couldn't lose you."

I ducked down until we were eye level and brought my face so close to hers that I could feel each breath she exhaled fan across my face.

"I _can't _lose you." I gasped as my chest tightened, my lungs and throat constricting, refusing to expand, to offer relief.

Her eyes locked with mine as tears continued to slide down her cheeks, a dozen different emotions flashing across her face. Panic seized me as I watched them slow, and like a top on its last turn before falling on its side, her eyes dimmed, dulled, and faded; reflecting nothing but loss.

"No," I groaned, shaking my head.

"No," I begged, pressing my forehead against hers as my fingers tightened their grasp.

"No," I sobbed, my entire body heaving as I fought for air. "Bella, no. Baby, look at me."

I tilted my chin up, pulling my forehead back just enough so that we could look at one another.

"I love you, Bella. I'm so fucking in love with you. Please don't let me go, don't tell me that you don't feel the same way," I pleaded.

Her hands came up and fisted my shirt as she pushed the top of her head into my chest. My arms automatically wound around her and tightened, the feeling of her in my arms nearly causing my knees to buckle.

I dropped my head to her hair and breathed her in, everything in this moment healing and breaking me at the same time as she cried against my shirt.

"I can't trust you."

"Bel—"

"_Now_," she continued. "I can't trust you now, and I don't know if I ever will. I feel like I don't even know you."

"You know me," I insisted. "I'm the guy who you've gone to bed and woken up with almost every morning for the last four months. I like my coffee black, but always remember to add a little sugar to yours. I've slept on the left side of the bed my entire life, until you told me you couldn't sleep on the right so I let you have it, even though you end up on the other side with me by the time we wake up."

I walked back a couple of steps and pulled her down on the couch with me, sliding my hand under her chin and tugging until she lifted her eyes to mine.

"I'm the guy who thinks about you every fucking second of every day, the one who misses you when you're only in the other room, and who loves to make you laugh. I'm the guy who knows how to touch you," I murmured, my voice barely a whisper. "Who knows how to love you."

She sucked in a sharp breath, her lips parting as her eyes bore into mine. "You're also the guy that used me, lied to me; the guy who hurt me _so_ damn much."

"Just give me a chance to show you again how much I do love you, that's all I'm asking," I reassured her. "I miss you so fucking much, Bella."

Her eyes slowly slid shut as she ghosted her fingers over my knee. "I can't make you any promises, but I know that I need time. I need you to let me move at my own pace. Maybe...maybe we can start over, I don't know." She sighed, her voice low, frustrated.

The immediate burst of hope that shot through my veins and left me with the highest of highs suddenly fell into free fall, crashing and igniting into flames because we didn't have time.

"I got in," I replied softly.

"What?"

"The FBI. I was accepted."

"That...that's what you wanted to tell me," she guessed, her eyes wide. A look of understanding crossed her face as she slid away from me.

"You're leaving," she stated.

I swallowed hard. "Yes."

"When?"

"In two weeks." I took a deep breath and tried not to focus on the distance she'd put between us. Instead, I steeled myself to tell her what Rose convinced her to come here for. "Training lasts for five months... in Virginia."

"Five months," she echoed, her eyes brimming with tears again, her fingers curling around the tops of her thighs and squeezing.

"We can—"

"It isn't fair!" she cried, rocking forward. "You're going to be somewhere new and different, where you will have tons of distractions. Somewhere where every place you go and everything you see doesn't rip you apart because it reminds you of the huge hole gouged out of your chest."

Her words were jumbled and choked, chin shook and quivered, and her eyes were breaking and tearing me apart every second I witnessed the pain in them. The pain that _I _had caused.

She swallowed heavily, fighting to push the rest of the words past her lips.

"Where everything doesn't scream at you that the ache in your chest is caused from the absence of the person you love," she whispered, her gaze fixed over my shoulder, unfocused.

My eyes went wide as I processed her words, not sure if she realized that was the first time she'd said she loved me.

"Bella," I breathed.

"You're supposed to be here. Trying to live the same life you've had, but doing it without me. You're supposed to be as miserable as I am. I deserve that," she spat, her teeth gritted.

"Do you think I'm not fucking miserable?" I asked incredulously. "I wake up every morning without you, knowing I have no one to blame but myself. I have to live with the fact that I hurt you, my family, and a shit ton of other people because I was a selfish asshole."

I reached out and gripped her hand. I needed her to understand. I needed her to see exactly how fucking miserable I was.

"I have to live with the fact that you, my best friend, my _entire_ fucking heart," I growled, my fist thumping against my chest over my heart, "may never forgive me. I have to live with the fact that I know who I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with, but because I fucked up, my time with you may be nothing more than memories—that I may never be whole again."

"How am I supposed to do this? How are we supposed to fix this if you aren't even here?"

"Then I won't go," I answered without hesitation.

"You can't do that!" she protested. "This is your future...your life."

"You just don't get it," I murmured, brushing my thumb across the top of her hand. "_You _are my future, _you_ are my life. I don't want any of those things if it means I can't have you."

"Don't put that kind of pressure on me," she warned. "I can't handle that. Not right now."

"What do you want, Bella? What can I do to convince you to give me a chance?" I needed her to give me something, some sort of hope that we could make this work.

"I don't know. I'm so mad at you, Edward. You broke my trust, you hurt my heart. I just don't know." She shook her head and pulled her hand away from mine, withdrawing from me.

"I leave in two weeks. Do you think...God, Bella, I don't want this to be over," I choked out, my mind bouncing all over the place, unable to finish one thought before jumping to another. "I promise you, if you will give me a chance, I _will_ make things right. I'll show you that I can be the man you deserve."

I had no idea how I could show her when I'd be on the other side of the country, but I'd figure it out. I'd make it work, because the alternative was unacceptable.

"I knew there was a chance you'd be leaving, that you'd get into the FBI, but I pictured us in a completely different situation." She shook her head. "Not like this."

"Don't give me an answer now. Think about it, _please_."

She stared at me, her eyes sweeping over my face before she slowly nodded her head. "I'll think about it."

I pulled her to me and hugged her, absorbing the feel of her body against mine before I had to let her go. I buried my face in her hair and whispered against her ear, "I love you."

"I can't give you that. I can't say it out loud... It's the only thing I have to hold on to."

I wanted to remind her she'd already said it, but wondered if maybe she didn't even realize she had. Instead of pushing, I whispered okay, and squeezed her tighter.

She pulled away from me and smoothed her tangled hair off her face. "I need to go."

I pulled her up from the couch and kept my fingers threaded through hers as we walked in silence to the front door. Turning the handle and opening the door for her to leave was physically painful, but she'd listened, and that was more than I deserved.

"I'll call you._ Soon_."

I leaned forward and pressed my lips softly against her forehead. "I'll be waiting."

She turned and walked away from the door, our fingers tangled until the distance finally pulled them apart. I was once again watching her walk away, but this time it felt different.

This time I didn't feel like she was walking away forever.

I held onto that feeling as I closed the door and retreated back to my room.

I would hold onto that feeling until she called, until she made a decision that could change everything.

Twelve days: I was leaving in twelve days. Rose and Emmett hadn't pressed for details when they'd come home two nights ago, much to my relief. Not that there was much I could've told them with so many things still left undecided.

But she knew now—she knew how I felt about her and what I wanted. I just hoped that it was enough.

I crawled into bed and pulled her pillow against my chest, hating the fresh scent of laundry detergent. I looked at my phone one last time before drifting off to sleep, feeling my heart clench a little as I stared at the blank screen.

Eight Days: I shoved my clothes into the box and wiped away the sweat dripping from my hair. I fucking hated packing, but it had to be done. I'd been run ragged over the last few days, between blood work, paperwork, and packing I almost hadn't had time to think about the fact that Bella still hadn't called. _Almost._

Four Days: I was leaving in four days and I was a nervous fucking wreck. Rose and Emmett tried to reassure me; they tried to tell me that I was making the right decision, that regardless of what Bella decided, I couldn't stop living my life.

I'd asked them what they would do if it were them in this situation. It was no surprise they had no answer for that. I'd spoken to Bella a couple of days ago, but she was on her way to work, so it was brief...and awkward. And even her promise to text me later gave me little reassurance that things were going to be okay. Especially since a text never came.

Two Days: I had two days left before I flew to the other side of the country and started the next phase of my life. I shook my head as I thought back to last year and how fucking ready I'd been to get the hell out of Seattle; to get away from everything and everyone here and start over. Never once did I think that leaving Seattle would become the last fucking thing that I wanted to do.

Mom and Dad drove up from Forks and took us all out to dinner. They didn't bring up the fact that Bella wasn't there, likely because they hadn't expected to see her.

After everything that happened last time, I knew better than to shut them out or lie to them. The look of disappointment and sadness on both their faces as I confessed to all of the horrible things I'd done shamed me.

But when they hugged me goodbye, told me to be careful, and to remember to call home, Mom's whispered words of, 'if we're meant to be, then love would find a way', made me grip her a little tighter in thanks. And still, I went to bed without a word from Bella.

I turned the corner on my street and slowed my pace, taking in the scene around me for the last time. I was leaving later this afternoon and I still had so many things to get done. Mainly, tracking down Bella and forcing her to talk to me.

I couldn't leave without seeing her, or at least talking to her. It had been two weeks, and we'd had one brief phone call...and then a text from her yesterday asking when I was leaving. It wasn't enough, not by a longshot.

I jogged down the corridor and pushed the front door open, kicking my shoes off before heading to my bedroom. As soon as I walked through the doorway, I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Hey," Bella said quietly as she looked at my now bare walls.

"What are you doing here?" I asked stunned. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, because I am. I'm _really _fucking happy, but it just seemed like..." I trailed off knowing that she knew exactly how it seemed.

"For the last two weeks I have imagined every possible scenario of the choice I have to make," she confessed, bringing her knee up to her chest where she sat on the edge of my bed.

"Do I turn my back and walk away from something that could be amazing? Or do I stay, give you another chance, and possibly end up completely broken?"

"I'm not going to hurt you, Bella," I replied, walking over to the bed and sitting so I was facing her.

"After everything that's happened, knowing how it feels to lose you, to live without you..." I shook my head and leaned forward, pulling her hand between mine. "I'll never do anything that could take you away from me again."

She sighed and gave me a small smile. "You always say exactly the right words. But that's one of the things that scares me the most, because you've _always_ known what to say, even when you were lying to my face."

"I know," I conceded, because it was the truth. I had spun every situation to make myself appear as someone I wasn't: a fraud, a fake.

"You have the power to break me beyond repair and that terrifies me," she admitted, turning so she mirrored my position, her other hand coming to rest on my knee. "But the thought of not giving you an opportunity to make me feel the way I did when things were good... I can't deny myself that chance. I'd always wonder _what if?_"

"So you're saying," I choked, the words stuck in my throat, afraid that if I let them go they would vanish.

"I'm saying, _show _me, don't _tell _me. Prove to me that I can trust you. Prove to me that what we had is worth it. Prove to me you love me like you claim."

I pulled her towards me and wrapped my arms around her waist. "I won't make you regret this," I swore.

"I'm not promising you anything other than_ I'll try_. You understand that, right?" she asked, pulling back from me slightly.

"I understand. That's all I'm asking for."

"And you understand there's a chance things won't work out?" she asked forcefully.

I shook my head and smiled at her. "We're meant to be together, there's only one way this will end."

"Edward," she sighed, sliding off the bed and rising to her feet. "I can't...how can you be so certain? You lied to me for _months_, the person who you say you want to spend the rest of your life with. How is that even possible?"

"Because I was afraid. I was so scared of losing you that I let my fear cloud everything else," I reasoned, trying to find the words to describe how hard it had been for me to keep so many secrets from her.

"What about the next time you're afraid, or angry, or hurt?" she asked, her hands rising in front of her as she shrugged her shoulders. "Will your love for me be secondary to those other emotions again? Because I can't handle that."

"No, Bella. There won't be a next time. And I know it doesn't matter now, but I really was going to tell you everything the day that. Well...you know..." I trailed off, unable to think about seeing her face that day with her standing so close.

"You say that now, but I have to wonder...would you have been able to go through with it?" she questioned, her eyes focused on the floor as she shook her head slowly.

"I would have," I promised.

"But I'll never know now," she reminded me. She raised her eyes to mine and shifted her weight. "I have to go, I have work."

"Okay," I whispered, stepping closer to her. "Can I...will you let me hug you goodbye?"

"Yeah," she choked, her eyes filling with tears.

I crushed her to my chest, wrapping my arms around her waist and holding her as tight as I dared. Knowing this was the last time I would feel her body against mine for months...maybe _ever_.

"I can call you, right?" I needed to know if she was going to open up that line of communication with me...give me _something_.

She shifted uneasily, hesitating for a moment before nodding her head slightly.

"Yeah," she whispered, stepping away from me. "Be safe."

"Yeah, I will. You too," I murmured, my throat tight, my words thick.

After she left, I played the conversation over and over in my head, wondering if I could have said something different—wondering if I could have given her more reassurance—but the static in my brain kept everything out of focus.

When it was time to board the plane—even with all the promises and opportunities she'd given me—the moment the door sealed shut, every cell in my body screamed to run back to her: to stay with her, to never leave her side.

I sat heavily in my seat and pulled out the new journal I'd bought the day before. She'd read so much of the bad, so many horrible and shitty thoughts that I'd written, and it was time to change that.

It was time so show her exactly what I thought, and how I felt about her—about_ us_—about our future..._together_.

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><p><strong>AN **

**Hiii! So I'm sitting in the backseat of my in laws car on my way to some safari in the middle of God knows where FL. I don't have the best of luck with animals people, if you don't hear from me again I was probably eaten by a bird.**

**Thanks to cejsmom for her beta badassness, Meg for her tetris ninja skills on making all the parts fit so well, & Kelly and Julie for prereading and so so much more.**

**OH Practice to Deceive and Dirt Roads have been nominated for the isparkle awards! You guys are more than welcome to give them a nod...you know, in case I'm pecked to death by a bird... theisparkleawards (.) moonfruit (.) com/**

**Thanks for reading!**


	21. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past. ~Tyron Edwards<em>

**Chapter Twenty**

_June 20, 2011_

_Bella called today. Hearing her voice, feeling close to her-even if it was only for a few minutes, was the best fucking birthday present anyone could have given me. _

_I miss her so much. _

_Things are tough here, even though I've only been here a week I feel like I've been put through a meat grinder. I've met some cool people, but no one who can distract me enough to stop thinking about her. I miss her smell, her eyes, and her secretive smiles, I miss everything about her. _

_You'd think the time we'd spent apart in Seattle would have made the ache in my chest less intense, but it hasn't. I don't think time or distance will ever lessen what I feel. Which reaffirms that, what we have, it's real, and nothing can fuck with it._

**July 2011**

I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my temples. I'd been studying crime scene photos for the past four hours. Going over the tagged evidence again and again. But I wasn't looking for what they'd found, I was looking for what they'd missed—and coming up empty.

I sighed and stood from the chair, stretching my sore muscles, wincing a bit from the pain in my left shoulder. I'd been here for more than a month now and between the case exercises, physical training, and studying, I'd fallen into bed every night and passed out before my head hit the pillow.

But sleep never lasted very long. At night, when my mind wasn't occupied with work, it was bombarded with images of Bella.

I wondered what she was doing, who she was with. Did she think about me today? Was it a good thought, or a bad one?

I'd taken to sending her emails and texts after it became obvious that having a conversation on the phone only served to remind me of how painfully awkward things were between us.

It seemed she appreciated the gesture, since she'd started to respond to some of my emails, even if it was just to say thanks or answer a question.

I struggled trying to find a way to prove myself, to show her I was serious about wanting to earn her trust back. That I would never put anything before my feelings for her again.

Turned out fate, or karma, or whatever you wanted to call it was a nasty little bitch, and the biggest obstacle I would face in keeping that promise to her...was myself.

I thought back to the conversation I had with Dr. Masen a couple of days ago, when he'd called looking for help at the aquarium. He had no idea I'd left and after a few minutes of small talk he asked if I knew anyone he could call.

I knew Bella was job hunting, she'd told me in her last email about a few jobs she'd applied for, nothing specific, but I was absolutely certain none of them were in Seattle.

I wanted to give him Bella's name, because she'd be perfect, but I also knew exactly what she'd think if Dr. Masen called and offered her the job. She'd think I had somehow talked Dr. Masen into calling her, maybe even accuse me of having ulterior motives for trying to keep her in Seattle.

And she would be justified since my responding email about her job search had been less than enthusiastic when it came to the prospect of her leaving town.

I was aware of how selfish of me it was to want her to stay in Seattle, especially since I had no idea where I'd end up once I left here in four months. But still, it felt like her leaving Seattle, even if where she ended up was closer to me physically, would only put more distance between us.

So instead of giving him her name I told him I was sorry, that I didn't know anyone, and ended the call.

I'd tell her about the job and let her decide if she wanted to pursue it, without my involvement.

_July 25, 2011_

_I sent her the email today. I'm ashamed and embarrassed with how much I struggled with telling her about the job because it was a good opportunity for her, and not only for my own selfish reasons. _

_Maybe I'm not as good of a person as I claim to be. Maybe some of the things I'd done after what happened with Jake and Maggie had changed me more permanently than I'd thought._

_But I don't want to be that person, I want to be someone she can trust, someone she can be proud of, someone she can love._

_So I sent the damn email about the job at the aquarium, and I promised her that I didn't mention her name once, but since she was in the market for a job maybe she should give them a call. _

_And to prove I wasn't trying to find a way to keep her in Seattle, prove to her I wanted what was best for her, what would make her happy, I gave her all of the information I'd gathered from before._

_Before I fucked everything up. When I'd spent late nights researching all of the possible locations I could end up if I got into the FBI, places where she could have found a job._

_But now they were places where she wouldn't be reminded of me...places where I wasn't._

_And I hope to fucking God, she gets it, that she understands as much as I want to be with her, as much at it fucking kills me that I'm not, above all else...I just want her to be happy._

I closed my journal and slid it into my desk drawer. I didn't expect to hear back from her right away, in actuality I didn't know when I'd hear from her again. She promised we'd talk soon, but I knew that she and Alice had flown to Phoenix on Friday and weren't supposed to be back until sometime Wednesday.

I hated that she was back there. That she was with her old friends, people who she could relax with and forget about all the bullshit with me.

Not that I didn't want her relaxed and happy, because I did. It was the forgetting about me part that made me nervous.

I hated that what Peter had done to her-what had hurt her so badly- paled in comparison to what I had done.

What if someone asked her out? Would she go? She'd made it clear we weren't back together, but she'd also said that a relationship was the last thing she was looking for.

I wasn't foolish enough to miss that it was a dig at me, that I'd hurt her in a way that made the thought of dating someone- _anyone-_ completely out of the question.

But that didn't mean she wouldn't go out with someone, and just the thought alone made me want to punch myself in the face and slam my head against the wall, because if she did, I had no one to blame but myself.

Funny how no matter how many times I said it, no matter how many times I reminded myself that all of this bullshit is my fault, it did nothing to lessen the pain in my chest and the knots in my stomach.

"Yo, Cullen! Move your ass, we've gotta be at the lab in half hour." My roommate, Garrett, yelled from outside my door. I sighed and grabbed my books, before following him out, knowing if we were late, there'd be hell to pay.

"You need to get out, do something." Garrett informed me as we slid into our seats in the back of the room.

"Nah, man, I'm good." I sighed, waving him off. We'd had this conversation several times over the last few weeks, but damn if he was persistent.

"Seriously, Edward. You can't stay holed up in your room for the next four months. I'm sure your girl wouldn't mind if you went out. You don't think she's not going out do you?" He asked, curiously.

There were so many things wrong with what he'd just said. Like the fact that she wasn't my girl, so no, she wouldn't care. And no, I didn't think for a second she was pining away for me in her room.

I signed and ran my hand over my face. Did I really plan on staying in my room for the next four months? I missed the fuck out of her and when I was alone all I thought about was her. Maybe...maybe going out for a couple of hours wouldn't be such a bad thing. Maybe it'd be good for me.

"Yes!" Garrett hissed with a chuckle, obviously seeing the look of resignation on my face. "This weekend, it'll be low key, just a few beers, maybe play some pool or something."

"Yeah, okay. That's cool, just no clubs or any of that shit." I warned, cutting my eyes over to him. The last thing I needed was for Bella to think I was going out partying at fucking clubs.

"Deal." He grinned.

By Wednesday afternoon I was seriously regretting giving in to Garrett. Training on Tuesday had been brutal and not one part of my body didn't ache.

I kicked off my shoes and sat on the bed, my shoulders sagging with relief. I needed to shower, I needed to eat, but all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and pass the hell out.

I scooted onto the bed until my back was propped against the wall, before reaching over and pulling my laptop over. Mom had called earlier and I knew if I didn't email her soon she'd start calling again.

I logged into my email and sure enough there were several emails from her, but I wasn't concerned with any of those right now, because there was also one from Bella.

She had texted me a few times the last couple of days, but from the sound of things her mom had kept her pretty busy. She never mentioned the email I'd sent, so I was pretty certain she hadn't read it...until now.

I clicked open the message and couldn't help the small smile that lifted the corner of my mouth as I read.

_Edward, _

_Hey. I got your email, to say I was shocked would be an understatement. But to say I wasn't grateful would be a complete lie. _

_You really looked at all of this stuff? You know...before...everything? I'm- I don't really know what to say. Some of the places you found would be amazing to work at, but to be honest, the possibility of staying close to Charlie a little longer is really freaking awesome._

_And you didn't mention me to Dr. Masen at all? I'm not saying you were lying or anything, I just...well if they hire me I want it to be because of me, ya know?_

_Anyway, thank you again, I really appreciate it. I hope they aren't beating you too badly over there, only just a little. And remember, if they take you out for field exercises, and you hear banjos... RUN! ;)_

_-Bella_

I chuckled and shook my head. She was still such a smartass. This was also the longest email she had sent since I'd left. And it was definitely the most normal. Maybe...maybe things would work out for us after all.

I emailed my mom and shot a quick reply back to Bella letting her know I had not mentioned her name...and that I appreciated the warning about the banjos. Not that it was necessary, of course I was fucking running.

I clicked the top of my laptop shut and eyed the empty coffee cup on my nightstand. A bittersweet smile spread across my face as I remembered the scene from this morning.

I wanted to tell Bella about it, but I didn't want to send her an email, I wanted her to have something more...personal. I reached into my bag and pulled out a notebook and pen, I figured since it was my written words that messed everything up, maybe they could help fix things this time.

_Bella, _

_Hey. How are you? Things are going okay here, I'm getting my ass kicked, and much more than just a little. I thought about you this morning when I was in line for coffee before my first class. _

_There was this girl in front of me, and man, I couldn't help but smile at how much she reminded me of you. She reminded me of the first time we met, or maybe it was the poor fool who was trying so hard to get her attention and she was giving him hell._

_She had that same fire as you, and that guy, well he looked just as lost and pathetic as I'm sure I did. But that was where the similarities ended, because she might've had your fire, but she couldn't hold a candle to how fucking beautiful you are._

_I know you read the part of my journal—where I said I wasn't impressed—and I guess at that point I was just trying to dehumanize you, justify my actions by making you seem unimportant... because I didn't even see your face that day._

_And even with all my anger and bitterness, the first time I _really _laid eyes on you—that day in the coffee shop—I was fucking stunned. And for a second, I forgot everything else, and all I saw was you. Granted, some of the things I imagined us doing were less than gentlemanly, but make no mistake—you're fucking gorgeous, baby._

_I'm so sorry for ever making you doubt that. _

_I could list every single thing that makes you beautiful to me, and it still wouldn't come close to explaining how I see you through my eyes._

_Like the freckle on the left side of your face—the one that's a little larger and a little darker than the rest—it's a special mark that demands my attention; demands that I see it. And I do, I see it. I see all of you._

_Did you know up close you have flecks of about six different colors in your eyes? You have gold, and burgundy, and so many depths of brown. I've never seen anyone with eyes like yours, they trap me, hold me hostage...in the best fucking way._

_And when you smile? The way your cheeks lift and cause your eyes to crinkle at the corners? I'm fucking gone. _

_So, no. I was not being truthful, because everything about you impresses me. I just had to open my fucking eyes. _

_Well, I better get back to studying, these fake cases aren't going to solve themselves. I miss you. Take care of yourself, baby._

_Love,_

_Edward_

I dropped the letter in the outgoing mail the next morning on my way to the lab. We'd been told the rest of the week we'd be focusing solely on forensics. Which meant we got a break from getting our asses kicked, but we'd be cooped up in the lab or in front of a computer for the next couple of days.

When Saturday afternoon rolled around I'd thought of a hundred reasons why I shouldn't go out, and just as many for why I should. But it was Garrett who finally convinced me that I was being ridiculous and needed to get the hell out of my room.

"Did you know that I'm getting married when I get out of here?" He asked, leaning in my doorframe while I took my sweet time slipping on my shoes.

My head shot up at his words, wondering if he was messing with me, but the expression on his face was completely serious.

"As soon as we graduate I'm flying down to Mexico and we're getting married on the beach." He nodded, showing me a picture he'd pulled from his wallet of a pretty blonde girl. "So don't worry dude, I'm not lying to you when I say that we are just going to have a few beers and play pool."

He looked at the picture and smiled before sliding it back into place. "No way I'm fucking that up man."

I nodded and stood from the bed, feeling a lot better about everything. If he was seriously just wanting to hang out maybe he and I could actually be friends. It would be nice to pass the time with someone who was in the same mindset as me.

We headed to a sports bar down the street and slid into a booth closest to the pool tables. The place was filling up pretty fast since it was getting closer to seven so we went ahead and put our names on the list to reserve a pool table for later that night.

For the next few hours we talked about where we grew up, where we hoped to be stationed, and about the women in our lives.

I was ashamed to admit the specifics to him about how fucked up things were for me right now, but I did let him know we hadn't parted on the best of terms, but I was working on it.

"Well that explains why you were so hesitant to go out." He acknowledged, taking a sip of his beer. "But like I said, I have no interest in picking up a chick."

I looked over his shoulder and noticed two girls staring at our table and whispering to one another. I shifted in my seat and took a pull from my beer.

"You better get ready to shoo away some bar flies then." I muttered, nodding my head towards the area behind him.

He furrowed his brow and glanced over his shoulder before turning back to me will a huge smile on his face.

"No man," he laughed, "it's not what you think."

He spun back around in his chair and waved his beer in the air, jerking his head back towards the table inviting them over.

"Garrett. What the fuck?" I hissed, already reaching for my wallet to pull out some cash and get the fuck out of here.

"I thought that was you, G! I've just never seen this one before," she joked, tilting her beer at me.

Garrett turned his head back towards me and the look on his face was nothing short of devious.

"Edward, this is Lauren." He introduced, pulling the blonde haired girl against his side. "And this is Jessica...her life partner," he added with a smirk.

I choked on the beer I'd just swallowed as my eyes bounced off the three people in front of me, all of them with matching grins.

"Hi, Edward, nice to meet you." Jessica smiled, holding her hand out for me to shake.

"Uh, hi." I stuttered, reaching out and shaking her hand.

"Mind if we join you?" Lauren asked, her eyes darting from me to Garrett.

"Hell no, have a seat," Garrett laughed, sliding over to that she could sit beside him.

I cut my eyes to the side as Jessica slid in beside me, causing her to laugh.

"Would you rather we switch places and make this look like a completely different kind of double date?" She asked with a laugh.

I looked at Garrett who was staring at me wide eyed and I couldn't help but smirk. I suppose looking like we were on dates with girls was much better than looking like we were on a date with each other. Especially since there were several people from training here as well.

"Garrett's a little hairy for my taste," I joked, leaning back in the booth and throwing my arm over the back.

"Coulda fooled me." Lauren retorted, staring pointedly at my hair.

Yeah, I hadn't bothered to cut it in a while, and it had gotten pretty out of control. So much so that I'd been advised to take care of it this weekend before returning to class.

For the next couple of hours we hung out, shared stories, and just relaxed. Jessica and Lauren were also training, which is how Garrett met them. Apparently they'd met in high school and had been together ever since.

But even with how relaxed everything seemed...that tension, the underlying uneasiness always present, twisted and pulled at me, reminding me that something, _someone_, was missing.

We'd just moved to a pool table when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I glanced up at Garrett who was racking the balls and let him know I had a call. I wasn't sure where Lauren and Jessica had disappeared to, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what they were probably doing.

I swallowed thickly when I saw Bella's name flash across the screen, my breath catching in my chest. I moved down the hall towards the bathrooms where it was a little quieter and answered before it went to voicemail.

"Bella?"

"Edward!" She sang, exaggerating my name, and if I wasn't mistaken...slurring.

"Hey. Is everything okay?"

"Yup. Everything is just peachy." She sounded weird, like she was forcing her voice to be overly chipper. Bella was not someone who I would ever describe as having a chipper voice.

Something was definitely up.

"So, did you contact Dr. Masen?" I asked, wondering maybe if she was celebrating.

"Nope. I have not." She hiccuped.

I sighed and ran my hand down my face, trying to figure out what was going on, before I realized what she was doing.

"Are you drunk dialing me?" I chucked, a smile spreading across my face.

She was quiet for a second, all I could hear was the sound of her breathing, and what sounded like paper crinkling.

"S'your fault," she mumbled quietly.

"What's my fault?" What in the hell was going on right now?

"That I'm staring at a fucking freckle on my face...and...and trying to see all these colors! How did you see all of that? I can barely see it!" She shrieked, her voice steadily rising.

It only took a second for me to realize what she was referring to. "You got drunk because of my letter?"

"I was having a perfectly fine day. I saw my dad, hung out with Alice, and then I came home and BAM! Edward letter all in my face." She babbled, her words coming out in a rush.

"Bella I-"

"What am I supposed to do with this, huh?" She asked, cutting me off.

"Edward move your ass or we're going to start without you!" Lauren yelled as her and Jessica moved past me and towards the pool table.

_Mother fucker._

"Oh my God." Bella laughed into the phone. "What am I even doing right now? What is wrong with me? Go, Edward, obviously you're...busy."

"No. No fucking way," I insisted, shaking my head. "Bella, I'm at a sports bar with my roommate Garrett."

"That didn't sound like a Garrett." She shot back.

I ground my teeth together, I had to have the worst possible fucking luck on the planet.

"Because that was Lauren, she's also at the academy. Both her _and_ her life partner Jessica." I stressed, hoping she would understand what the fuck I was saying, the fact she had obviously been drinking wasn't going to do me any favors.

"Right." She drawled sarcastically.

I wanted to bang my head against the fucking wall. There was no way I could prove to her I was telling the truth and my fucking frustration with the situation was beginning to fray the last threads of my control.

"Bella, this isn't a fucking game to me." I assured her, my voice low and controlled. "I love you. I want to be with you. I'm going to do every fucking thing I have to for that to happen."

I flattened my palm against the wall, my forehead resting against the cool cement as I drew in a calming breath.

"And I don't cheat," I whispered. "After everything that's happened and _why_ it happened, no matter what you think you _don't_ know about me― you know_ that. _

"But we aren't together right now, are we?" She pointed out, her voice much softer this time.

"Nothing's changed for me, Bella." I responded quietly. "You're the only person I want to be with. And until you tell me we have no hope, until you demand that I leave you alone, that's not going to change. Probably not even after that," I muttered.

She sighed and cleared her throat. "You know if this FBI thing doesn't work out, there's always Hallmark." She joked weakly.

"I'm not trying to sound like a fucking greeting card, I'm telling you how I feel about you." I shot back, wishing that I could be there with her, reassure her.

"You're everywhere I look, everywhere I go. It makes me miss you, and that pisses me off." She huffed, her words laced with frustration.

"What can I do?" I begged, because I'd do it, I'd do whatever she wanted.

"Just...keep doing what you're doing." She answered before yawning into the phone.

"I'm glad you drunk dialed me." I joked, my chest finally loosening a bit at her admission.

"Ugh, shut up. At least I didn't threaten to sleep on your doorstep." She shot back, but the lightness in her tone made it was obvious she was smiling.

"Are you going to remember this in the morning?"

"I hope not." She stated, her voice rising at the end making it sound more like a question.

"I'll be sure to remind you." I promised her.

"I'm sure you will." She drawled, no doubt rolling her eyes. "Goodnight, Edward."

"Night, Bella." I murmured before she disconnected the call.

I stared at my phone for a minute before shoving it back in my pocket and heading back towards the pool tables. Maybe... maybe there really was hope for us.

* * *

><p><strong>AN**

**Gah! You guys are awesome! Seriously! **

**Thanks to all my twitter peeps who have shown me SO MUCH LOVE and to all the people who are here holding my hand every week while I freak out about...well... everything!**

**See y'all next week!**


	22. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

* * *

><p><em>People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do. ~Lewis Cass<em>

**Chapter Twenty One**

August 2011

Arms steadied. Eyes focused. Mind...so not fucking cleared.

I pulled in a deep breath and shook my head slightly. I needed to concentrate. Focus. I tightened my grip on the gun and adjusted my arm a little to the left before curling my finger around the trigger and squeezing.

My eyes fell shut as I dropped my arms in front of me and hung my head in frustration. This was fucking ridiculous. I glanced at the target again, hoping to see something different this time, but the hole was exactly where it was two seconds earlier―barely grazing the left shoulder of the target.

"Damn, Cullen, you shoot like a girl!" Garrett laughed.

"Fuck off," I spat, lifting my arm and roughly wiping at the sweat running down my face. I yanked at the front of my vest, wanting nothing more than to rip it off and launch it across the room.

"Hey, man. I was just kidding..." Garrett trailed off, holding his arms out in front of him as he walked into my corral.

"Whatever. I'm just...done." I spun on my heel and moved towards the counter. I tried to calm down, tried to stay in control, but I was barely hanging on.

I returned my gun and pulled the vest over my head, my shirt clinging to my chest, completely drenched in sweat. I bypassed the showers, changing into a pair of basketball shorts instead, and pulling on my running shoes.

I was in a full sprint before the front door of the firing range had closed behind me.

I wanted to leave here. I wanted to get on a plane and fly back to Seattle. I wanted to grab Bella by her shoulders and shake the shit out of her, then kiss her breathless.

I pushed harder, my calves cramped, each pull of air into my lungs was like sucking in flames from a fire. I welcomed it. I craved it. I fucking needed it.

No texts. No emails. No phone calls.

For two weeks.

Two long, painful, excruciating fucking weeks.

I called-voicemail. Emailed-nothing. Texted- nada, fucking zip.

I'd finally broken down and called Rose. Begged her to tell me what the fuck was going on, because for all I knew, something could have happened to Bella. She could have been hurt, sick, _something_.

But no, apparently drunk dialing for girls means being super fucking embarrassed and avoiding the person they drunk dialed.

I call bullshit.

I knew better than to believe Bella was embarrassed about calling me. I knew her. She wouldn't bat an eye at calling me drunk, regardless of how strained things were between us.

No. She was freaking out, remembering what she wanted to about the call, remembering hearing a girl yell out my name. Remembering all the lies and shitty things I'd said and done in the past.

She was pulling away from me, slipping right through my fingers... and ripping out my fucking heart.

My thighs burned, my knees ached, and my muscles spasmed as I pushed harder, faster.

I didn't want to contemplate the meaning of why she'd completely stopped talking to me. Did she think I was lying? Was she imagining me with Lauren and Jessica in a way completely different from how things were?

No fucking doubt. I _knew _that's what she thought. I _was _a fucking liar, after all. And a good one. But she was wrong. So fucking wrong. And there was no way I could prove that to her if she refused to talk.

The only good news I'd heard was from Emmett. He'd overheard Bella and Rose talking and found out she'd applied for the job at the aquarium and got it.

Not that I doubted her; I'd made that mistake before, when I underestimated her character, her morals, and her strengths. I'd been wrong about so many things, but she was proving how strong she was, how she wouldn't compromise herself, or her beliefs, because right now...she was breaking me with her silence.

If I didn't talk to her soon I was going to do something stupid, something irrational. But I didn't care, because I'd do it a million times over if it meant I could fix things with her.

My vision started to blur as a wave of nausea rolled over me. Still, I pushed. My chest clenched painfully, my stomach twisted and heaved as black spots flashed in front of my eyes.

I jerked to a stop, my hand bracing against the tree beside me as I threw up over and over again. Bile and vomit burned my throat and caused my eyes to water.

Everything was too much: the ache in my bones, the way my heart was slowly pulling apart at the seams.

I wiped my mouth and slowly straightened my back. There was no way I would make it through the next two and a half months without speaking to her.

I didn't give a shit that she'd be in Washington for however many months the job at the aquarium lasted. She might as well have been on the opposite side of the world, because I had never felt further away from her than I did right now.

I slowly steadied my breathing, pushing off the tree on shaky legs, my body drained both physically and emotionally. All I wanted to do was go to my room and fall into bed. I was just _so_ fucking tired.

I pushed open my door and stumbled to my bed, my phone the first thing I snatched up.

Blank. Nothing.

Fuck this.

I dialed her number, her phone ringing once before going to voicemail. I grabbed my laptop and popped it open. If she wasn't going to talk to me on the phone, then she would talk to me face to face.

I pulled up flights and found one leaving in a couple of hours. I drew in a deep breath and picked up my phone, she'd get one more chance before I booked the flight.

**Found a flight to Seattle leaving in two hours. Call me back or I'm on it. -Edward**

I stripped off my shirt and shoes and grabbed a change of clothes for the shower. I moved towards the door when my phone started ringing. _Thank fuck._

I snatched it up and without even looking answered the call.

"Bella?"

"Hey," she whispered, her voice low, but tinged with a hint of panic.

"'Hey?' That's all you have to say? No word in two weeks and you say 'hey'? What the fuck, Bella?" I asked, my voice rising with anger even as my shoulders sagged with relief from hearing her voice.

"What do you want me to say, Edward?" She yelled. "That you say the most perfect fucking things ever? Because yes, you do, but you're also a liar. A good fucking liar. When I heard those girls at the bar, even though I know what you said about them..." she trailed off, inhaling sharply.

"You've made me doubt so many things," she choked, "I'm terrified. And embarrassed. And just―" her words cut off abruptly, her voice breaking.

"Why are you embarrassed?" I lowered my voice as soon as I realized she was crying.

"Because everything is so messed up!" She cried. "I have this wonderful job...thanks to you. I have Rose...thanks to you. And I have this part of me that's empty and can't be filled...also thanks to you."

"Bella." I breathed, hating she was hurting because of me. "I want you. Only you. I will do anything to prove that. Anything you want, it's yours, but please, please don't fucking shut me out."

"I'm sorry," she choked, her voice gritty. "And I shouldn't be sorry. I shouldn't apologize to you for anything. But I know you're trying and I'm being a bitch. This is just...so hard for me."

"Be mad at me. Yell at me. Cuss me out, I don't care." I answered. "But please, don't do that again. Please."

"Why is this so hard?" She panted, her breaths short and choppy. "Why did you do this to us, Edward? And why can't I get over it and be with you like my heart wants?"

"Because I hurt you." I whispered, sinking down onto my bed. "And you have every right to guard yourself from me. But...I want to be with you. And I want you to know me, the real me, please, give me that chance."

"I want to know the real you too...but who is he?"

"I can show you." I promised. "But I can't if you avoid me. I know you don't trust me about very many things, but trust I only want you, and I will do whatever it takes to prove myself to you."

She was quiet for several seconds, the only sounds were our harsh breaths into the receiver.

"How are we going to be able to do this?" Her voice was low, her tone frustrated, torn.

"We'll figure it out."

"I'm sorry I ignored you, I just-"

"Don't apologize to me. I don't deserve it. Did I miss the fuck out of you? Yes. Was I worried? Yes. But, am I grateful _not_ talking is abnormal again? Fuck yes."

I drew in another deep breath and tried to relax my muscles.

"Charlie asked how you were doing," She remarked after a beat of silence.

"Oh, yeah?" I asked, wincing as I laid back on the bed.

"Yeah. It seems you really are everywhere I go." Her tone was joking, but I had a feeling she was more bothered than she wanted to admit.

"Bella-"

"Shit." She interrupted. "I gotta get to work."

"Work?" I asked, wondering if she meant the aquarium or the coffee shop.

"Yeah...at the aquarium, I got the job."

I smiled. "I heard. Emmett's nosy."

"Of course he is." she snorted.

After a few more minutes we said our goodbyes, me promising to call, her promising to answer. Still, I felt like I was moving one step forward and two steps back. I needed something to happen, something to help her understand I would never intentionally hurt her again.

I pulled out my notebook and stared at the blank page. I'd tell her the only way I could that she wasn't alone. That she was with me as much as I was with her.

_Bella,_

_The heat here is brutal and it never seems to rain. There are no mountains to see from the ferry and the trees are too short. I don't believe it's possible for the scenery to be more different than Seattle. _

_And still...I see you everywhere._

_I know you think because I'm here, because I have so much on my plate, I have some sort of advantage and don't have reminders of you everywhere I go, but you're wrong. _

_You underestimate the effect you have on me, how no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, you're always with me._

_When I drink coffee in the morning, I think about you. When I'm at the firing range, I think about you. Riding the bus, listening to music, fuck, even the color brown yanks my mind to you. Always you._

_When I was sixteen, my mom made me go with her to a nursing home to drop off some food and clothes she'd decided to donate. I pissed and moaned like any other sixteen-year-old boy would, but she wouldn't let me out of it. _

_I sulked the entire way there and once we'd unloaded the boxes I found a corner to hide in while she did whatever it was she did there._

_An old man rolled over to me in a wheelchair and started asking me all these questions about school and sports and girls. I wanted to tell him to go away, to leave me alone, but I knew Mom would kick my ass, so I answered his questions and listened to him talk._

_And this man, Bella, he had such passion. The way he talked about his life, all I could think was― I want that. _

_I wanted to look back on my life when I was older and be able to feel at least an ounce of the passion and happiness he did. If I could, even if it was only a little, well, then I'd be okay with how things turned out for me._

_I went back and saw him several times over the next few months. He talked about his two kids, his five grandchildren, and his wife who had passed away earlier in the year._

_The way his eyes would light up and fade with the different memories he shared, the way he talked about her, how she made him feel, it was amazing._

_But I never truly understood the depths of what he meant, couldn't imagine a love so strong that no amount of time would ever be enough, that the intensity of those feelings would never fade._

_Until now anyway._

_Now...I get it. Thank you for giving me that._

_Love,_

_Edward_

"You okay, man?" Garrett asked, leaning casually against my door.

"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about earlier. I've been stressed and things with my girl have been off, and then this morning...when you said I shot like a girl, I snapped." I admitted, folding Bella's letter and sliding it into an envelope.

"Why would that set you off?" Garrett laughed, walking over to my desk and falling into the chair.

"Because she would have kicked your ass for that comment." I chuckled. "Our first date was lazer tag...her idea. And she is one hell of a shot, believe me."

"But things are...okay now?" he asked hesitantly.

"Fuck, man," I groaned, "things are better right now than they were this morning, or hell, for the past two weeks, months, I don't know. I have so much shit to make up for."

"Not a whole lot you can do about it right now." He shrugged, his face sympathetic.

"Don't I know it," I mumbled.

He nodded as he stood. "If you need to talk...I'm down the hall."

"Alright," I agreed, reaching out and bumping my fist with his. "Thanks, man."

After a much needed shower and dinner I retreated back to my room to try and get some studying done. As soon as I opened my computer I realized studying was the last thing I'd be able to do, because I had a new email. From Jake.

_The fuck?_

I stared at it, contemplating deleting it and forgetting I ever saw it, but something was nagging at me and wouldn't let up.

Maybe it was the fact every time I ignored something with Jake, it always blew up in my face. I'd had enough of that to last me a lifetime. No, I'd read it, and then...well, I'd read it first.

I clicked the link and settled back in my chair, my jaw dropping a little more with each line.

_Edward,_

_I'm not sure if you'll even read this, man. My gut tells me you will, but shit, we both know my gut is good for absolutely nothing when it comes to you._

_Do you remember when we met freshman year? I think about it sometimes. We had so much fun, got into so much shit. Like the time you covered for me while I pissed in that guys shoes from the frat across the street? _

_Or the time you pretended to be gay because that one chick wouldn't get off your dick? I remember stumbling over to you, and then hugging you and pretending to be your boyfriend. I will never forget the look of complete horror on your face when I kissed your cheek._

_It took you a week to speak to me after that. But fuck man, how was I supposed to know she was Maggie's friend and you ended up spending days trying to convince her you weren't gay?_

_Maggie. What a fucking mess I made out of that. I'm so ashamed of what happened. And I know it doesn't make a difference now, but I never meant for things to happen the way they did._

_I was so mad at you for settling for her, I'd hinted to you over and over again that Maggie wasn't who you thought. But every time Edward, every damn time, you would blow me off._

_You wouldn't listen. And then you brought up Leah, and I lost it._

_So I got drunk. Super fucking drunk. And the drunker I got, the more I realized I had to make you see. I had to show you Maggie wasn't good enough for you. Fuck, I wouldn't wish her on my worst enemy, much less my best friend._

_Then I drank more and things started to blur. All I'd planned to do was set her up, get her to confess to something, or catch her doing something. But trying to be slick and clever, it doesn't work out so well when you're shit faced._

_I thought, if I could get you down to the basement, maybe I could get her to admit something. And you could hear. Except, when I got downstairs, everyone was leaving. And all of a sudden things were out of focus and the room had started to spin._

_Then she was there, and I thought, were you there too? Yeah, you would be down there too. So I let her grab me, and I grabbed her back. And I won't get into the rest, because honestly I don't remember most of it, only that I'd fucked up so damn bad._

_You moved back to your parents after it happened and wouldn't talk to me. I heard about you though, the guys at the frat house couldn't stop talking about how you'd done a complete one eighty from the guy you were before. And I knew. I _knew_ that shit was my fault._

_Then it was Thanksgiving and you were standing in front of me and I didn't even recognize you. You were hateful and mean and bitter and...an all around fucking bastard._

_And you had Bella. My Bella. Well...I wanted her to be anyway. I thought she could have been it for me, that what happened with Leah was to make sure I realized when the real thing came along._

_Apparently that was exactly what happened. For you. _

_I wanted to tell her everything. But I thought, he'll get bored and leave her, then I can still have a chance, and she'd never know how much of an asshole I was. _

_See? I'm no better than you._

_But you didn't dump her. And I saw you guys, all the fucking time. But I stayed out of sight, and you, you started to resemble the old Edward. _

_Then Jared told me shit was real, that you'd fallen for her. And all I could think was, of course he fucking fell for her. Why wouldn't he?_

_But then I saw you with Maggie, or at least I thought I did, and I saw red. Because Bella didn't deserve that. I should have known better. I should have tried to talk to you. Or at least waited until I calmed the fuck down._

_But no, I was hot headed and stupid and I told her everything. About what I'd done, about you, everything._

_When you came to my room that day...I'd never seen anything like that before, and it scared the fuck out of me. I hated myself because, once again, I'd fucked you over._

_I know you don't want my help. My track record is shit, and I'm being selfish, but I need to do this. I need to try and help you by talking to Bella, because I'll never be able to move on if I don't._

_I know you're not an asshole. I know you're not that guy. And while Bella may be even more pissed at me than she is you, I'm also the least likely person to vouch for you. That has to count for something, right?_

_I know we'll never be friends again, and as much as it sucks, I get it. But I can do this one thing: try and fix one of the fucking wrongs I did to you. I hope it works and you get everything you want._

_Jake-_

I must have read his email a dozen more times before I was able come out of my daze. I felt like a damn girl with everything I was feeling. The guy had some fucking nerve, but he was right about a lot of things.

We would never be friends again. I get he was drunk, but friendships don't come back from that kind of shit. Add in the fact he has feelings for my girl? No. Not happening.

He was also right about talking to Bella, because he sure as fuck was the last person in the world who would plead my case. And honestly, at this point, I needed all the help I could get. Because every time I was able to pull her a little closer, something would happen and she'd push away.

I closed my computer and laid in bed. There was no way I could concentrate on homework, my mind too busy battling between being hopeful and negative.

Could I ask Bella if Jake contacted her? Would he tell her he emailed me? Would she be suspicious I'd persuaded him somehow?

I growled in frustration, yanking on my hair. Would it always be like this? Analyzing every fucking decision to death in fear I would make a wrong move and it would push Bella away from me for good?

Not that I could be pissed about it, I'd done this shit to myself. Still didn't make it suck any less though.

Screw it. I'd play it by ear. There was no sense in mentioning something that might never happen. But if she brought it up, then I'd tell her.

_September 1, 2011_

_Time. It's such a funny thing. How it seems to speed by like lightning at times, and others the seconds drag painfully slow, like trying to move through quicksand._

_The days moved at a snail's pace, each one mirroring the last. Until the last two weeks that is. Because one week ago we were informed we'd be released from training for Labor Day weekend. Which meant I could go home, and I could see Bella. _

_Bella...who was a completely different person since I'd threatened to fly home. I didn't know if it was the conversation, the letter I'd mailed her, or if Jake had actually tried to talk to her. _

_And I didn't care, because even though it was slow, and we were both so busy it was hard to find the time to talk with our time differences, there was always a text or an email, or a quick phone call to say hi._

_We were starting over. Rediscovering each other. And if I wasn't already so fucking in love with her, I would be...all over again._

"Emmett, you can't say anything." I warned, for the hundredth time.

"Edward, calm down, dude. I won't tell her." He snickered, chewing noisily in my ear.

"And you have my flight details, right?" I asked, wanting to make sure I didn't end up stranded at the airport because he got distracted watching the latest episode of _Storage Wars_.

"Yes. I have it. And I found out Bella will be at work at the aquarium when you land."

"I don't even wanna know how you found out." I insisted, shaking my head as I paced around the room. "And Rose doesn't know either?"

"Edward." He sighed, obviously annoyed with my third degree.

"Fine." I huffed. "I'll see you this afternoon."

I hung up the phone and checked over my bags once more before heading to the cab waiting out front. I knew Friday morning traffic was going to be a pain and I refused to miss my flight.

I'd barely slept last night, going over in my head again and again what I wanted to happen this weekend, what my expectations were.

When I'd finally accepted I should have no expectations, and whatever happened would be entirely up to Bella, I was finally able to fall asleep. Kinda, sorta, but not really...at all.

After finally getting to the airport, waiting for my flight, waiting to board, and waiting to take off I was on my way.

I pulled open my journal and flipped through the pages. I'd nearly filled it since I'd been in Virginia. I'd gone back and forth on my decision to give it to Bella, worried it would bring up nothing but bad memories and set back all the progress we'd made.

But there were so many things she needed to know, so many memories to be rewritten.

_July 4, 2011_

_Everyone is going out tonight. My new roommate, Garrett, invited me to tag along. But going out is the last thing I want. And the last thing I need. _

_Because even though Bella's on the other side of the country, I can't afford for her to get the wrong impression about me going out. _

_I know all about that. About seeing and hearing what you want, and being completely wrong. I won't put myself in that situation, the stakes are too high. She's too important._

_July 16, 2011_

_It's amazing how differently I see things now. Bella couldn't talk today when I'd called. She had to work._

_I remember a time when she would say something like that and my first instinct was to assume she was lying. But now― now I know better. Because she's never been a liar._

_I should have realized it then, how much I was already falling for her. How I wanted to believe she was telling the truth so she could be different. So she could be with me, and only me. _

_If only I would have pulled my head out of my ass earlier, things may have turned out so differently. If only._

Every page was the same. Snippets, flashes of memories, moments I'd tainted with bitterness and hate when they could have been so much more.

But we were starting over. We were going to create new memories, and all of them would be honest and exactly like they should be.

One layover and God knows how many hours later, I stood at the bottom of the escalators at SeaTac airport, scanning the crowd for Emmett.

I was nervous and antsy and excited. I wanted to see my brother. I wanted to see Rose. But I _needed_ to see Bella. I _needed_ to touch her face and watch her eyes widen in surprise when she realized I was standing in front of her. Yes, those things, I needed.

"Holy shit!" Emmett bellowed, coming up beside me and slapping my shoulder.

"Damn, Em. What the hell?" I grunted, stumbling forward.

"What have you been doing over there? Taking steroids?" He blurted out, loudly. "And your hair...it's gone. I barely recognized you!"

I smacked his hand away from my hair and hoisted my bag on my shoulder.

"I've been in FBI training, Emmett. What did you think I'd be doing, playing Parcheesi?"

"But, you're a lab rat! Why in the hell would you need to be working out so much?" He asked, his hand wrapping around my bicep and squeezing, his eyes widening comically.

"Enough with the pawing." I warned, batting his hand away again. "And they don't give a fuck if I'll be working in a lab, we all get the same basic training."

"Bella's gonna shit herself." He laughed, shaking his head.

I shifted nervously and rubbed my hand over my now, much shorter hair.

"Have you seen her?"

"Yeah, a few times, she's been around a little more lately." He added.

I couldn't stop the small smile from sliding across my face, this was a good sign.

"So do you want to-"

"Take me to the aquarium." I cut in. I had no interest in going anywhere she wasn't.

"You got it." Emmett chuckled.

I wiped my hands down my thighs over and over again, my palms sweaty.

"You gonna be okay?" Emmett asked, cutting his eyes at me.

"Yeah. Yeah." I licked my lips. "I'm just nervous."

"I hadn't noticed." he remarked dryly.

I stared out the passenger side window, not even bothering to respond with some smart ass remark, because we were pulling up in front of the aquarium and I was about to see my girl.

"She loves you, man. Everything's gonna work out." Emmett reassured me.

I nodded my head and climbed out of the car. "Take my bag back to the apartment, okay? I'll catch the bus back later."

I turned and walked towards the entrance, my heart thundering in my chest. I didn't know if it was the city, the building, or knowing she was on the other side of the doors, but my entire body was vibrating with energy.

I paid the attendant and moved through the different sections, memories of the last time I'd been here flashing through my mind. Memories of being here with Bella, laughing, talking...touching. I squeezed my eyes shut before opening them slowly and scanning the crowd for any sign of her.

And then I saw her. All of the air left my lungs in a whoosh as I stared at her across the room. She was facing towards the side, talking to a little boy and pointing at the circle of jellyfish overhead.

I watched her smile, and laugh, and my heart clench because she looked so fucking happy, and so beautiful it almost hurt to look at her. Almost.

I pulled in a deep breath and crossed the room as the boy moved away, leaving her standing alone. She was focused on the clipboard in her hands, her pen scribbling across the papers attached.

She shifted slightly causing her hair to fall over her shoulder and block me from her line of vision. A few more steps and I was within reaching distance, I watched as her back stiffened, her chest rising quickly before stilling, as she held her breath.

I lifted my arm, letting my fingers curl around her hair and push it back over her shoulder, the barrier between us now gone.

She jerked her head around, her eyes wide with shock, her mouth falling open a little as she stared at me.

"Hey, Bella." I whispered.

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><p><strong>AN **

**Okay...everyone say it with me- _ohhhhhh you cliffy bitch._**

**Now that we've gotten THAT out of the way...you guys have seriously been awesome, wonderful, amazing, and fantastic with your reviews. **

**Have I sucked up enough for the cliffy yet? No? Well damn. **

**I love you guise! ...Still nothing? Double damn.**

**Thanks to MissMaj for her rec over on Wordy Bitches! PS- I love bacon. Just sayin.**

**And as always thanks to cejsmom and all my lovely prereaders, even if they do get me in trouble on the twitter! *eyes Luvrofink* **

**See you guys next week!**


	23. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams. <em>_~W.B. Yeats_

**Chapter Twenty Two**

_Last chapter..._

_She shifted slightly causing her hair to fall over her shoulder and block me from her line of vision. A few more steps and I was within reaching distance, I watched as her back stiffened, her chest rising quickly before stilling, as she held her breath._

_I lifted my arm, letting my fingers curl around her hair and push it back over her shoulder, the barrier between us now gone._

_She jerked her head around, her eyes wide with shock, her mouth falling open a little as she stared at me._

September 2011

"Hey, Bella," I whispered, shifting a little as she stared at me, her eyes sweeping over my face, down my body and back up.

"Wha-" She sputtered.

"You don't know me, but I couldn't help but notice you." I interrupted, grinning. "I wanted to come over and introduce myself. I'm Edward Cullen." I smirked, moving my hand from her hair and extending it out for her to shake. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

Her brows furrowed in confusion as she looked from my hand to my face and back again.

"What are―oh my God, Edward, what are you doing here? And what's with the whole, 'I'm Edward Cullen,' thing?" She blurted out, waving her arm in the air.

"I'm here for the weekend. As for your other question, we're starting over. Just like we said. The way it should have been." My eyes drifted to my hand before meeting hers again, my brow lifted in challenge.

She dropped her eyes once more before reaching out and grasping my hand.

"This is so weird," she mumbled, a small grin tugging at the corner of her mouth. "Bella Swan, and it remains to be seen if it's a pleasure to meet you."

I couldn't stop the bark of laughter that burst past my lips. Still such a smartass.

"Well, I'll see what I can do to make sure I don't disappoint you."

"And exactly what did you have in mind?" Her small grin turned into a full blown smirk.

"I thought maybe I could buy you an ice cream." I shrugged, shoving my hands into my pockets to keep from wrapping myself around her and never letting go.

"Ice cream?" Her voice was a little higher, surprised.

"Yeah. The weather's nice. We could walk down to the pier, hang out for a bit."

"I don't know, my dad's a cop, he taught me to be leery of strangers. _Especially_ when they know your name." she tsked. "Stranger Danger and all that."

"Even starting over I manage to come off like a creepy stalker," I groaned, jokingly.

"Well, we _will_ be out in public, so I _think_ I should be relatively safe." She mused, scrunching up her entire face and looking completely fucking adorable.

Suddenly my pulse started hammering in my ears, my mouth going completely dry as I stared at her, all jokes and playfulness forgotten. She was so fucking beautiful it almost hurt to look at her.

"When are you done here?" I croaked, the words sticking in my throat.

Her eyes bore into mine, unblinking, the shift in the air around us undeniable.

"Five." she whispered, her knuckles turning white as she tightened her grip on the clipboard clutched to her chest.

"You'll let me come back here when you get off? Take you out, maybe go for a walk or something?" I rambled, my palms sweating as I balled my fists inside my pockets.

"Yeah. You can meet me back here."

"Is it okay if― will you let me hug you...please?" I begged, my need to touch her almost unbearable.

She dropped her arms to her sides and nodded once, her eyes shimmering as she stared at me. She hadn't even finished moving her head before I'd ripped my hands from my pockets and wrapped my arms around her, crushing her to my chest.

She wound her arms around my back, the metal from the clipboard digging between my shoulder blades, her other hand fisting the back of my shirt. I slid my arm up, pushing my fingers into her hair, and lowering my head as I breathed her in.

"Fuck." I gasped, completely overwhelmed by the feel of her body against mine. "I miss you."

A throat cleared noisily next to us causing Bella to loosen her grip and slowly slide her arms from around me. I blinked a few times to clear my head as I ghosted my hands from her shoulders and down her arms.

I turned towards the person standing next to us, my eyes immediately narrowing when I realized he wasn't looking at me at all, his focus entirely on Bella.

"Sorry to interrupt," he drawled, not sounding sorry at all, "but we need you over at the stingray exhibit."

"Okay, no problem, Marcus." Bella nodded. "I'll be there in just a minute."

He stood rooted in place for a couple of seconds, like he had no intention of leaving, that is until his eyes finally drifted over to me. I imagine the look on my face was no less murderous than I felt because he flinched, his eyes widening slightly before he spun on his heel and took off in the other direction.

I huffed and turned back to Bella who was staring at me with her brow lifted to her hairline, a 'what the fuck was that?' look on her face.

I shrugged, because there wasn't really anything more I could do. Ask her about him? Yeah, not if I planned on still meeting with her after she got off work. Plus, she could've gone on a date with him and I wouldn't have a right to say one fucking word.

My stomach turned at the thought, my heartbeat quickening. I couldn't think about shit like that right now, I had to focus, I had to remember why I was here.

"So, I'll meet you back here at five." I reminded her, my hand cupping the back of my neck as I lowered my eyes to the floor.

"Yes. Five." She repeated. "It's seems we have a lot to talk about."

"Yeah, we do." I smiled, happy I'd get to see her again soon, talk to her face to face.

"Well, I better..." she trailed off, pointing in the direction of the stingray exhibit.

"Okay," I nodded, unmoving.

"Okay." She agreed, not moving either.

We both chuckled, I shook my head and she looked down at her feet, a smile on her face.

"God. Bye, Edward." she said, rolling her eyes.

I told her bye and watched as she made her way over to the exhibit, unable to look away until she disappeared from sight.

My phone beeped as soon as I turned to leave and I couldn't help but smile thinking Bella had sent me a text. Well, until I read the message.

**You are in so much trouble. How could you not tell me you were coming home? -Rose**

_Ah shit_. Guess I didn't think about her being pissed. I sighed and walked through the front doors of the aquarium to the bus stop, sending Rose a quick text while I waited.

**On my way. You have two hours to give me hell, then I'm cutting you off. -Edward**

I pocketed my phone and climbed the steps inside the bus, dropping into the first seat. A smile crept across my face as I thought about Bella's expression when she saw me, the way her eyes scanned me from head to toe― repeatedly.

Maybe all those workouts were worth it after all.

I watched the city blur past the windows, my eyes taking in the familiar scenes, a sense of nostalgia washing over me. It amazed me how this time last year I couldn't wait to get away from Seattle, but now―there was nowhere else I'd rather be.

I knew my sudden change of heart had more to do with Bella than the city itself, because I had no doubt were she not here, the pull I felt would be nonexistent.

When we reached my stop I pulled in a deep breath, exited the bus, and walked up the front steps of my apartment building. It seemed much longer than a little over two months since I'd been here.

I stood at the front door for a couple of seconds to prepare myself for Rose's wrath before pushing it open and moving inside. The smell of garlic assaulted me as soon as I drew in a breath, my mouth immediately beginning to water.

Rose was cooking, and not just anything, she was making lasagna, my favorite. Maybe she wasn't as pissed as I thought. I moved down the hall towards the kitchen and leaned against the door frame as I watched her dart around.

"If this is what happens when I piss you off, let me know what else I can do, I'd love some pie, too." I joked.

She spun around, a large wooden spoon in her hand, her eyes wide. She dropped the spoon and ran across the room, throwing her weight against me and winding her arms around my neck.

"Damn, Rose-"

"If you call me fat or say I've gained weight I will knee you in the balls," she mumbled against my shoulder.

I laughed, because, yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say.

She pulled back, her brows scrunching comically as she squeezed my ams. "Holy shit Edward, you're freaking cut," she blurted out.

"Oh, yeah?" I teased reaching up and tugging the end of her hair.

"You're an asshole for not telling me you were coming home. You're an asshole for not letting me pick you up from the airport. You're an asshole for not calling more than you do, and you're an asshole for about a dozen other things I can't think of right now, but reserve the right to name at a later time." She nodded, her face serious as she ticked off each reason I was an asshole on her fingers.

"Damn." I coughed. "Maybe you're more pissed at me then I realized."

"No." She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "You probably guessed the right level of my anger. But we only have the weekend to hang out, and I'm pretty sure even that time will be limited since you'll spend every second you can with Bella, not that I mind." she added with a smirk.

"So, all that was..." I wondered, thinking she might explain the rapid fire asshole comments.

"Oh," she laughed, moving to the table and falling into a chair. "That was me getting all of my anger out of the way so we could get to the part where you tell me how things are going with training, and of course with Bella."

"You're insane." I pulled out the chair next to her and eased into the seat.

"I made pie." she deadpanned.

"Damn. You really are on a roll." I nodded, impressed.

We talked about training, what her and Emmett did over the summer, classes she registered for, everything except Bella. I wanted to ask if she knew anything about that douche Marcus, but I didn't want to put her in a awkward position if there actually was something to tell so I bit my tongue.

Once I'd finished my second helping of lasagna I began to not so subtly look around the kitchen for the pie she claimed to have made.

"Did you think I'd leave my only bargaining chip out in the open when you've managed to not talk about Bella once?" She raised her brow, a smirk on her face.

"You don't play fair at all." I really didn't want to discuss Bella. I honestly had no idea what to tell her, we'd been so up and down over the last couple of months it was hard to give any kind of update when things could change in the blink of an eye.

So that's what I told her. She nodded and grimaced in all the appropriate places, only asking a few questions here and there, but nothing too intrusive.

"But she seemed happy to see you?" She asked, once I'd finished speaking.

"Yeah, I mean, she was being a smartass so that's a good sign, right?"

"Yeah. It's a good sign. Plus it probably doesn't hurt you look like one of those sexy army guys in the magazines with their muscular arms and washboard abs." She paused for a second, her eyes widening in mock horror. "You _do_ have washboard abs don't you? Because if not, that's false advertising, and you'll have ruined everything."

"You've been hanging around Bella too much, your skills at being a smartass have vastly improved." I noted before adding. "And my abs are fine."

"You know, I'm not sure I feel comfortable leaving you two alone anymore." Emmett remarked, strolling over to Rose and kissing the top of her head.

"Ah, don't worry, Dimples, your brother's too broody these days for me. Plus, I'd never be able to live without that thing you do with your tongue-"

"Okay." I interrupted, jumping to my feet. "This, I do not need to hear."

They both laughed as I grabbed my dishes and slid them into the dishwasher. I leaned against the counter as Emmett fell into the chair I'd just vacated and kicked his legs out.

"I'm assuming your conversation with Bella went okay since you're here and not on the roof of the building." Emmett exhaled exaggeratedly with mock relief.

"I'm actually about to jump in the shower then head back over to the aquarium to meet her." I glanced at the clock and realized I had half an hour before I needed to leave.

He nodded. "I've missed the hell out of you, bro, but I hope I see very little of you this weekend because you're spending all your time with Bella."

"You and me both." I agreed. "Okay, I'll see you guys later tonight, yeah?" I knew better than to expect more than a late night with Bella, she wasn't ready for more than that.

They assured me they'd be around and after a couple more minutes of talking I left to get cleaned up before meeting Bella again. Ten minutes later I stood in my old room wrapped in a towel staring at all of the clothes I'd pulled out and scattered on the bed.

I felt exactly the same now as I'd felt trying to figure out what to wear for our first date. Which was ridiculous, but at the same time not. I hadn't given much thought to how different I looked after working out so hard the last couple of months. I'd toned up quite a bit, but from the reactions of Em and Rose, as well as Bella, it was more of a change than I realized.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and grabbed my gray Led Zeppelin shirt. It was old as hell and fit a little more snug than it used to, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing if it got a reaction out of Bella. I wasn't above hoping that douche Marcus would see me, either.

Even though I'd already seen her once, the bus ride back to the aquarium had me sweating again. So much depended on this weekend. It was the only time I'd be home until training was over, and as much as I hoped my letters and phone calls helped assure her of my sincerity, being able to spend time with her face to face was so much better.

I pulled out my phone as I walked into the lobby and texted Bella letting her know I was there when I noticed Dr. Masen and that douchebag Marcus standing over by the front desk.

I slid my phone into my pocket and straightened my back before casually walking over to where they stood. Dr. Masen spotted me first, his face breaking out in a wide smile as I approached.

"Edward." he called, clapping my shoulder. "What are you doing back? I thought you were in Virginia."

I tried not to be arrogant. I tried not to be smug. I tried not to let me eyes cut over to Marcus when I spoke to Dr. Masen. Okay, that's bullshit, I didn't try at all.

"We don't have training on Monday so they let us come home for the long weekend." I answered with a small smile. As much as I wanted to set that guy straight, my happiness over being home, and seeing Bella overshadowed all of that bullshit.

"I still can't believe you're going to be an FBI agent, I'm so proud of you, and I'm sure your dad feels the same way." He added with a grin.

"Yeah, Dad's just happy I got a job so he doesn't have to worry about me moving back home again." I joked.

"So what brings you by here?"

I smirked. I couldn't help it. "I'm here to meet Bella."

I saw douchebag stiffen, his lips thinning into a hard line.

"Bella? Bella that works here?" Dr. Masen asked, surprised.

"Yeah," I grinned, cupping the back of my neck and twisting my head towards the entrance to see if she was on her way out yet. I couldn't wait to fucking see her again.

"You met her before you left for training then?"

"We met last year." I answered vaguely, not wanting to get into any of the details with the douchebag standing there.

"She's the reason you worked all those hours to get this place to yourself for Valentine's Day." He stated matter of fact, grinning. "It all makes sense now, except why you didn't tell me about her when I called you earlier this summer asking for help."

"Yes, she is the reason I worked here, and Bella likes to do things for herself, I didn't want her to feel like I was pulling any strings for her."

"Funny," douchebag cut in, "of all the times I've hung out with Bella, she's never mentioned being involved with anyone."

I shoved my hands inside my pockets, curling my fingers into a tight fist until the skin over my knuckles strained. I relaxed my stance and gave him an easy smile, appearing cool, confident, and unaffected, but on the inside, I was on fire.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Bella's not a big fan of talking about her personal life with people she's not close to." I watched the smirk playing at the corner of his mouth drop as he shifted his weight and diverted his eyes.

I may have brought him down a peg or two, but I hadn't won shit, because the truth of my statement was undeniable. Which made me question shit all over again, because she'd never mentioned this guy to me either.

"There she is," Dr. Masen announced, his eyes darting over my shoulder, a genuine smile on his face.

I spun around, completely forgetting about Dr. Masen, the douchebag, and any other thoughts floating around in my head, all of my focus on Bella.

Her gaze was locked on me, but most definitely not on my face, her lip pinched between her teeth. I cleared my throat, smirking when her eyes jumped to my face. I lifted my eyebrows playfully, my smirk turning into a full smile when she rolled her eyes.

"Hey."

"Hey, yourself." I extended my arm in front of me, my finger curling around her belt loop and tugging her forward before realizing what I'd done.

"Whoa." she gasped, her eyes wide as she stumbled forward, obviously caught off guard.

We stood frozen, staring at each other, neither of us seeming to know what to do next. Luckily Dr. Masen chose that moment to interrupt before things became any more awkward.

I'd forgotten he was there.

"Hello, Bella. Thank you for getting those reports to me so quickly."

"Oh. Yeah. It was no problem. None at all. I was happy to help." She rambled, her eyes moving from Dr. Masen, to my hand before sliding up my the length of my arm and landing on my face.

I smiled softly, shrugging my shoulders apologetically and mouthing _'sorry' _as I slowly uncurled my fingers and let my arm drop to my side. Some habits were apparently harder to break than others. Not that I wanted to break that habit, I just needed to remember to control that shit for now.

'_It's okay_,' she mouthed back.

"It was good seeing you again, Dr. Masen," I said distractedly, trying to tear my eyes away from Bella long enough to politely get us the fuck out of there.

"You too, Edward." he replied, clapping me on the shoulder again. "Be sure to tell your dad I said hello."

"Yes, Sir." I nodded, turning away from Bella to shake his hand, even though every cell in my body protested.

"Well," he exhaled, turning to walk away, "you two kids have fun."

"Ready?" I looked at Bella, wanting nothing more than to get her to myself.

"Yeah."

"Hey, Bella!" Douchebag called after we'd taken a few steps towards the door.

I'd forgotten he was there.

She stopped and turned slightly, a smile on her face. "Yeah?"

"I'll see you on Sunday, right? At my place?" He added, his eyes drifting over to me. He thought he was slick, but I watched Bella's eyes drift from Marcus to me, a look of understanding settling over her face. Dumbass.

"I said _maybe_, remember?" she asked sweetly. Too, sweetly, I almost felt sorry for the dumb bastard. Almost.

"But, you're gonna try, right? I mean, we haven't hung out in a while."

I stiffened, my jaw ticking as I tried hard to keep my composure.

Bella sighed and shook her head slightly, her face pinched in annoyance. "Marcus. Please stop trying to have a pissing contest with Edward. Not only is it annoying, it's completely uncalled for." Her words were abrupt, forceful. He flinched slightly before diverting his eyes and shuffling the papers in front of him.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"No worries. See you later." She said before turning her attention towards me. "Ready?"

I nodded and pushed open the door, following her out into the street.

"So, ice cream?" I grinned, holding out my elbow hoping she'd take it, wanting whatever type of physical contact she was willing to give. She glanced down at my arm briefly before lifting her hand and wrapping her fingers around my bicep.

We walked in silence, surrounded by the white noise of the city. It had been so long since we had been like this.

I remembered Sunday afternoons and how we laid face to face on my couch with the television playing in the background. We'd talk softly about our day, or not talk at all, instead just be together, touch each other, breathe each other in.

I missed it so fucking much.

I led us over to one of the ice cream shops near the pier and pulled her towards the counter.

"What are you having?"

She hummed, her eyes scanning the list of flavors. "Vanilla Bean, in a cone, two scoops." She nodded, satisfied.

The guy behind the counter looked over to me, his face bored.

"I'll have the same."

Bella moved to slip her hand from my arm, but I raised my forearm and caught her hand in the bend of my elbow, not wanting to lose contact with her for even a second.

I pulled out my wallet and threw some cash on the counter, ignoring the look of annoyance on her face.

"I told you I wanted to buy you ice cream. Let me." I said softly, tilting my face down to look at her.

"Thanks."

We grabbed our cones and moved down to the pier. The weather was clear, the sun actually out, the temperature mild compared to Virginia's scorching heat.

As much as I tried to let it go and ignore the douchebag's earlier comments about hanging out with Bella, I couldn't seem to shake the clenching in my stomach.

"You like working at the aquarium?" I asked, trying not to stare at the way her lips pursed on the ice cream as she sucked the melting liquid into her mouth, her tongue sliding across her bottom lip before disappearing into her mouth.

I cleared my throat and shifted my gaze away from her. Ice cream had to be the worst fucking idea on the planet.

"It's great. I love working there." She smiled, looking up at me.

"And you like the people you work with?" I tried to appear casual. I failed.

"Marcus is a friend. I'm not sure what in the hell that was back there, but I didn't tolerate it from him, and I won't tolerate it from you either." She threatened, her eyes narrowed.

I nodded, but like an idiot couldn't stop the next words from coming out of my mouth. "I mean, it's not like there's a contest anyway, right?"

She dug her nails into my bicep letting me know her patience was wearing thin before sighing heavily. "He's interested." She admitted, like I didn't already know that shit.

I swallowed thickly, my heart pounding in my chest. I knew there would be other guys, I wasn't stupid. Bella was fucking amazing, any idiot could see that. Hell, any idiot _did_ see that.

"But I'm not." She shrugged, biting into her cone, her eyes fixed on the pier in front of us.

"No?" I whispered, afraid my voice would betray the emotions surging through me.

"Nope."

We moved further down the pier, her hand still wrapped around my bicep, fingers resting on my forearm.

"So tell me what's going on? How did you get to come home?" She asked, tossing the rest of her cone into the trash can. Thank God.

I took one last bite then tossed mine in as well, and led us over to the railing at the end of the pier.

"They let us come home for the weekend. I'm not sure if it was a midway point thing or if it was because of the long weekend. Either way, I couldn't wait to get back here and see you."

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

"Well," I sighed, extending my arms and gripping the railing in front of me, my eyes focused on the water. "I could say I wanted to surprise you, and that would be the truth, just not the entire truth."

I drew in a deep breath and twisted so I was facing her, one hand still clutching the railing while my other hung loosely at my side.

"I was worried you wouldn't want to see me. And showing up without warning was manipulative and selfish and it forced you into a situation you might not be ready for, and I'm sorry for that. But, Bella," I whispered, stepping closer, my hand lifting until the side of her face rested against my palm, "I fucking miss you."

I brushed the pad of my thumb over her cheek, my eyes sweeping over her face, until they landed on her freckle, my freckle. Before I let myself think too much about it I leaned forward, her eyes widened slightly as I turned my face and pressed my lips softly to her cheek.

"I missed this," I murmured. "I fucking ache for you."

"Edward," she choked, her hand grasping my wrist, not pushing me away or pulling me closer, just...holding.

"Hang out with me this weekend. I'm not asking you to change your plans, just make some time for me. Be with me. Let us have this. We _need_ this." I stressed, my head falling forward until my forehead rested against hers.

She was quiet for a minute before nodding her head slightly. "Okay." She agreed.

"Okay?"

"Yeah, but you have to let me take things at my own pace." She insisted. "And maybe wear looser shirts." She let out a choked laugh and when I pulled away I noticed her eyes were glassy.

"Sorry, they all pretty much fit like this now." I shrugged, not even a little bit sorry.

"Then we should go shopping. You need clothes that fit better. Is this what you've been wearing in Virginia?" She pulled my hand away from her face but instead of letting go she slid her hand into mine.

"No, we mainly wear standard issue black t shirts with FBI logos and cargo pants. Why?" I wondered for a second if maybe she actually _didn't_ like the way my clothes fit...until a quiet 'fuck' slipped past her lips.

I smirked, I couldn't help it. Things had been so strained between us for so long, it was nice to see I still had an effect on her.

"We can go shopping. You gonna hang out in the dressing room with me?" I teased, laughing when she pulled her hand from mine and smacked my arm.

"You're an asshole." She chuckled. "Go shopping with your mom."

We spent the next couple of hours talking about her job, how training was going, and all of the little things we'd missed during our phone calls, emails, and texts.

After letting me know she had to work the next day, but would be around after, we got on different buses and headed home for the night.

Rose and Emmett didn't press for details, content to hang out and catch up about the last couple of months. It was hard to think about not seeing them all the time once I finished training, but it was something I had to accept.

When I fell into bed I grabbed my phone to send Bella a text, surprised when there was one on my phone from her.

**Goodnight. See you tomorrow. -Bella**

I smiled and replied with the same before falling into the best sleep I'd had in almost four months.

I woke the next morning disoriented and confused, it was still dark out, probably no later than five AM, but my internal clock had switched to eastern time and there was no way I'd be able to fall back to sleep.

I jumped in the shower and threw on some clothes before grabbing a thermos and heading to the cafe on campus. I ordered coffee and a few different muffins, pouring the coffee into the thermos and securing the box of muffins before heading over to Bella's.

She'd be getting up soon, and as much as I'd love to see her this morning, I didn't want to push my luck and smother her. I'd leave these at her door and text her letting her know they were there.

I pulled a pen from my back pocket and wrote a note on the box before sliding the thermos and box against her front door.

_I hope you have a good day. See you soon. -Edward_

I walked back to the apartment, calling my parents like I'd promised and setting up a time to meet them for brunch. It was after seven when I got to the apartment so I figured it would be safe to send her a text now.

**You have a delivery on your doorstep. It's not me. Promise. -Edward**

I reminded Emmett I was taking his car for the day and jogged down the stairs thinking I should have tried to fit in a run before I left this morning. I pulled out into the street and took off for the ferry when my phone beeped.

**You're insane. I say that while drinking coffee & shoving a muffin in my mouth. TY. -Bella**

I told her I was planning on meeting my parents this morning so she probably knew I was already on the road.

I had a nice brunch with my parents. We talked about Forks, work, training, where I thought I might end up, but the entire time my leg bounced and my eyes drifted to my watch, counting the minutes until I could head back to Seattle and see Bella.

My parents noticed, but chose not to comment. They weren't stupid, they knew where my mind was. The day dragged, making me more antsy every second.

By the time I dropped the car off and rode the bus to the aquarium I was a ball of energy. And when she walked out the front door and smiled at me it took everything I had not to pounce.

We decided to grab some food and then go see a show at a new comedy club she'd heard about. I didn't care what we did, so long as we were together.

I'd just ordered us a beer when she relaxed back in her chair and stared at me.

"What?" I asked, shoving a chip in my mouth.

"I talked to Jake."

"Yeah?" I kept eye contact with her, not wanting her to think I had anything to hide.

"He told me he emailed you."

"He did." I nodded.

"Were you going to tell me about it?" She asked, her arms folded in front of her as she gazed at me cooly.

I sighed and fell back into my chair, thankful the waitress chose that moment to drop off our drinks. After taking a long pull I set it down and locked my eyes with hers.

"Honestly? I have no idea what to do about so many things. Do you know how many scenarios I consider before doing the smallest things?" I sighed.

"What do you mean?" She asked, leaning forward.

I mimicked her position and wrapped my fingers around my glass.

"Like when I'm deciding where to eat, I wonder if you'll call while I'm out and think I'm doing something I shouldn't be. Or if Garrett asks me to go to a movie, I wonder if you call and I don't answer if you'll think I'm ignoring you. Or if I make friends with people at training, I wonder if you'll think it means I'm happy or care less." I answered honestly.

"None of that is my fault, Edward." She pointed out.

"I know," I nodded. "I'm not blaming you. I made this mess, but I over analyze every fucking decision I make because I'm terrified of how you will react. Terrified it will be the wrong choice and I will push you away."

I groaned and rolled my neck, trying to get my point across without sounding like I blamed her for any of this. Because I didn't.

"I told myself I'd tell you about Jake if you asked, but if not, then I would leave it alone. Not because I was trying to keep anything from you, but there was no point in bringing up something that may not even happen."

I reached out and grabbed her hand as I leaned over the table to get closer to her. "I'm not perfect, Bella. I'm going to make mistakes. Stupid ones. But I promise you I will never do anything to intentionally hurt you, and I will never lie to you again. It's up to you whether or not you choose to believe that. I love you. You're all I want."

She tucked her chin into her chest and drew in a deep breath before meeting my gaze. "I don't expect you to be perfect, Edward. You weren't perfect before and I liked you fine. I just want to know I can trust you." She explained, her fingers squeezing my hand.

"Not to sound pathetic, but how am I doing with that?" I tried to keep my tone light, joking, but it didn't take a genius to figure out how completely serious I was. "I know with us being so far apart it's hard for me to do much, but you have to know that everything I'm doing, everything I've done since Christmas, it's real. All of it."

"I've had time to think about so much. With your letters, and having people to talk to, even Jake, who I gotta say my first instinct was to tell to fuck off, helped. I just need to get to a point where I can stop doubting so much. I promise not to disappear again until we work things out one way or the other, but I can't keep feeling like I can't trust you. That's no way to live." She stressed, her eyes almost pleading with me to understand.

As much as I didn't want to understand, as much as I wanted to tell her that I loved her and she needed to trust that, I didn't. Because what she was dealing with right now had more to do with her, and what she needed to work through to be able to open herself back up to me.

"I'll wait as long as you need." I promised.

Once our food arrived we relaxed a little and moved on to safer, easier conversations. After dinner we went to the comedy club and laughed until we were in tears, the atmosphere fun and happy and so much like we used to be, but better. Because even with everything that was wrong between us, it was all out in the open. No secrets.

It took some work, but I managed to convince her to let me walk her home, leaving her door with the taste of her skin lingering on my lips where I'd pressed them to her forehead.

When I got to the apartment I pulled out my journal and flipped it open to the cover, smoothing my hand over the blank page before pulling out my pen and writing the words that had bounced around in my head for the last couple of days.

_Bella,_

_I debated giving you this, unsure if it would do more harm than good. But you deserve to know, to see how important you are to me, how much I think about you every single day. _

_You're it for me Bella. My belief in that is overwhelming at times, because I know without you, I lose a part of me. And not a small, insignificant part, but the biggest part, the best part. A part I didn't even know existed until you came into my life, but now, the thought of living without it is crushing._

_I thought I'd lost you for good, but you're giving me a second chance. A chance to prove to you I can be the man you deserve. I'll never do anything to jeopardize losing you twice. Trust that._

_I love you always,_

_Edward_

I dug through my bag and found an extra FBI shirt I'd packed and wrapped it around the journal before setting them both on the desk. I'd leave them in her bag before I left and let her do what she wanted with them both.

We spent almost the entire rest of my time in Seattle together. We went to movies, we hung out at the park, and watched fireworks over The Sound. It was everything I'd hoped for and I never wanted it to end.

But like all good things the weekend did end, and with it my time in Seattle. Like last time, Bella showed up at the apartment when it was time for me to leave, but unlike last time I wasn't surprised to see her there.

I watched her speak with Rose, her eyes finding mine every couple of seconds. I grabbed my luggage off the floor, sliding my journal into Bella's bag sitting next to it.

She made her way over to me, her lip pulled between her teeth, her hands shoved in her back pockets.

"C'mere," I whispered, pulling her with me out the front door. "Listen, I want you to know this weekend was amazing. And I understand what you're saying, about needing to get to a point where you stop doubting everything and can allow yourself to trust again."

I cupped her face in my hands and moved until my body was flush with hers. "I won't push you. I want to talk to you everyday while I'm gone, and I want to do all I can to prove myself to you, but I need you to be sure. Because when I'm done, I want to know for sure we have a future. But right now, right now all I can think about is the fact that I'm going to kiss you."

I leaned forward and touched my lips softly to hers, tentative at first, my teeth biting into the flesh of her bottom lip and tugging slightly. She exhaled harshly before wrapping her arms around my neck and pulling me impossibly closer. I swept my tongue across her lip before covering her mouth with mine.

It was like kissing her for the first time all over again and it set my entire body on fire. The push and pull completely in sync as our tongues moved together, exploring, caressing. I burned every second of that moment into my brain, not wanting to forget even a second. And when we finally pulled apart we were both panting, our eyes hooded and just full of fucking _need_.

"I'm going to miss you so fucking much." I choked, my eyes burning, chest tight.

"I'm going to miss you too," she whispered, her fingernail scraping the back of my neck. "But I'll talk to you soon."

"Yeah. Soon."

Getting back on that plane was just as hard the second time as it was the first. Regardless of how things stood with Bella, leaving her under any set of circumstance was almost unbearable.

Two and a half months had never seemed so long.

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><p><strong>AN**

**See? I think I made up for the cliffy last chapter. *nods* Yup.**

**Thanks to cejsmom for betaing and all my lovely pre readers for just being awesome in general. And thank you guys for reading!**

**See ya next week!**


	24. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish. ~John Quincy Adams<em>

**Chapter Twenty Three**

October 2011

"Now, who can tell me how many victims were found at this crime scene?" Agent Cheney asked as he slid another photograph on the projector. "How about you, Cullen?"

I cleared my throat and sat up straighter in my chair so I could get a closer look. I studied it for several minutes before answering. "Two."

"Can you explain how you came to that conclusion?"

"The blood spatter is different. On the left side of the picture, near the table, the blood on the wall is in thinner streams, the massive area on the floor suggests the victim fell to the floor at that exact spot. The other side of the picture, where the drops are fatter, the large swipe of blood on the wall is going in the opposite direction of where the other victim slid to the floor."

"Very good, Mr Cullen. But why couldn't the victim have fallen down, gotten back up, and walked to the other side of the room. Maybe there were three victims." Agent Cheney challenged.

I smiled and wrapped my fingers around the top of my desk, rocking forward slightly. "Because there are three different shoe patterns on the floor. Two victims, one assailant."

"Excellent." He clapped. "Sometimes the answer isn't hidden and doesn't require cameras, computers, or any other fancy gadgets we have at our disposal. Sometimes, the answer is right in front of your face."

Agent Cheney turned back to the projector and put up the next picture, moving on to point of impact and blood flight characteristics as I sat back and let out a heavy breath.

Since we'd gotten back from our long weekend classes had intensified to the point I didn't know how I was going to be able to retain everything we were learning.

My mind began to drift as he droned on, the material he was currently covering was one of the things I actually _didn't_ have a problem remembering.

I thought about Bella and one of the first phone calls we had after I arrived back in Virginia―when she'd sent me a picture of herself wearing the shirt I'd left her―and not much else.

I not so subtly asked who took the picture only to have another one sent immediately after of Alice...flipping me the bird. Apparently, she wasn't quite as forgiving as her husband and felt I needed to undergo various methods of torture before she'd consider forgiving me.

I made a mental note to avoid her when I got back to Seattle.

Bella had texted me again, promising to call as soon as she was able to kick Alice out and asked me to please not fall asleep.

Like there was any way I could fall asleep knowing my girl was going to call me, knowing she wanted to talk to me.

"_I have a shirt. You left me a shirt." She giggled into the phone as soon as I'd answered._

_I grinned. "Are you drunk dialing me again? I'm really going to have to stop leaving you things if it causes you to drink, I'd hate to have to send you to rehab."_

"_Oh hush. This is a good drunk dial. Actually it's not really a drunk dial at all. I only had a lil rum, I'm high on life."_

"_Drugs too, Bella? What am I going to do with you. And Charlie― he's going to be so disappointed. I can see the headlines now, 'local cops daughter arrested after drunken drug deal goes bad'." I joked, wishing so much I was by her side so it would be my shoulder she was smacking the hell out of instead of the mattress beside her as she called me a smartass. _

The sudden scraping of chairs against linoleum yanked me back into the present as Agent Cheney dismissed us for the day. I stood from the desk planning on grabbing some lunch and maybe try to call Bella when he called out my name as asked me to stay behind.

"Yes, Sir?" I asked, moving to where he stood shuffling the photos into a folder.

"I was wondering if you'd looked at any of the jobs listed for your field yet?"

I shifted my weight and shook my head no, up until a month ago thinking about the future held very little interest to me. Since I'd come back from Seattle, between all of the information being shoved down my throat and my focus on Bella, looking into where I could end up after I'm done had been the last thing on my mind.

"It doesn't matter anyway, right? I don't really have a say in where I end up do I?"

"Nope," he chuckled, "but I do. When you finish here next month, if you stay the course you're on, you'll have some of the highest scores I've seen in a long time. That doesn't go unnoticed when we're placing graduates. Just remember that, you're doing great, son." He clapped my arm and nodded his head, effectively dismissing me.

I walked out of the building and headed to my place, pulling my phone out and shooting a quick text to Bella.

**Apparently I'm more badass than even I realized. Crazy right? -Edward**

I chuckled to myself imagining the look on her face when she read my text. Our weekend together had been exactly what we'd needed to push past the awkwardness and move forward.

My phone beeped and I glanced at the incoming message, not surprised in the least that she be sure to bring me down a peg or two.

**I don't know how you manage to stay upright carrying that ego around with you. -Bella**

I knew I might be pushing my luck with my next text, but I'd missed this side of us so much I couldn't help myself.

**I've had a lot of practice carrying around heavy things, I stay upright just fine. -Edward**

Her reply was immediate and kept a smile on my face the rest of the day, even though she hadn't said a word.

**... -Bella**

_Two weeks later..._

"Move, move, move!"

"Fuck," I grunted, launching myself forward and sliding under the fence in front of me. Gunshots rang out all around, the sensors on the packs we wore over our vests sounded as the opposing team landed direct hits. If we were in real combat, four of the seven guys in my group would be dead now.

I didn't sign up for this, I wanted to stay in a lab all day and analyse blood spatter patterns and study crime scene photos, not crawl through mock war zones and get shot at with fake bullets.

But I didn't really have a choice, it was all part of the required training and all I could do was hope to do well enough to keep my marks high. I flipped to my side as the guy next to me crawled forward, trying to catch up with the remaining members of our squad.

Suddenly my pack began to beep, my eyes flew up to see Garrett grinning at me, his gun still raised from where he'd landed a direct hit to my chest.

"Drag your ass outta there, Cullen! Too bad your girl wasn't here to cover you." He laughed, ducking as someone took a shot at him.

I ripped the velcro from my vest to disengage the sensor and rose to my feet, dirt and gunk caked over my face and hair. I marched to the edge of the field and threw my gear on the table in the back. I couldn't stop the feelings of frustration and failure that coursed through me.

The closer I got to the end of training the longer the days seemed to grow and the more anxious I became. It would be rational to think the better things got between Bella and I the easier each day would be, but it wasn't.

I missed my girl, and I was more aware of that fact with each day that passed. The more we talked and settled into easy conversation and our smartass banter, the more I wanted to rip my hair out and jump on a plane to Seattle so I could wrap around her and just get lost.

After today, as the reality of what happened to the guys in my unit settled in, the more aware I became of how fucking precious each second of our lives were.

I thought about how most of the guys who'd been on the training exercise today would be in the field. They'd be undercover with drug dealers, mob families and every other shady kind of perp who roamed the streets of whatever ever city they got placed while I sat safely in a lab behind a microscope.

They could die. Everyday they would risk their lives, and face the possibilities of not walking through their doors at night and kissing their wives, husbands, children, or whoever was important to them.

I pushed the door to my room shut with a quiet click, my head lost in places of death, darkness, and sadness. I'd never truly thought about the risk, the inescapable danger of joining the FBI until this moment.

An envelope on my desk caught my eye, I reached down and flipped it over, noticing Bella's looping letters strewn across the front. I sat down and ripped it open, my heart lodged in my throat.

_October 25, 2011_

_Edward,_

_I'm sorry this is the first time I've brought up the journal you left behind for me. It took me this long to even gather the courage to attempt to respond to the words you've written, to not feel inferior to the way you make every word hold so much meaning it feels like it could burst at any second._

_You broke me in every way. I'm not telling you that to make you feel guilty, or to earn your pity―you know me better than that._

_But I'm telling you as a testament to the power your words have had on me. You...are like no one that I've ever met. I thought I had you pegged from the moment I'd laid eyes on you, but you have proven me wrong at every turn. Some good...some not so good._

_I want to pull out all of the parts of your journal that slowly peeled the blinders away from my eyes, the parts that made me remember our time together over the spring, where you were so sweet, so loving, and absolutely perfect to me. But then, I'd have to copy every word you'd written for me._

_I'm so terrified of you. I have never felt for anyone the way I feel about you. And I try to block out the words I read back in April, the terrible way it made me feel to know the man I loved, the man I was ready to give everything to...used me._

_Then I read the entries in your new journal, the ones where you tried so desperately to recreate memories that nearly gutted me. But it was the ones you wrote while reflecting on your time in Virginia― while we were apart and you were so unsure, so vulnerable, that completely melted the edges of the icy walls I'd worked so hard to build._

_Like this:_

"_I couldn't sleep last night. My nightmares startled me awake in a sheen of sweat and gasping for breath. They were always the same, I was there, and so was she, Bella. _

_But it wasn't me that she laughed with, it wasn't me she touched gently on the arm as she rocked up on her toes and planted her soft lips against._

_It was someone else, some faceless guy who didn't hurt her, who didn't treat her like she was a lesser person, who recognised she was fucking perfect in every way possible. Someone who she deserved, but would never, ever, fucking love her as fiercely as I did._

_I ache for her touch, and would give anything to have a moment where she looked at me again, like she did before. _

_Before I fucked everything up. Before I broke us both. I wanted it back. I wanted her back. Because I knew, without her, I was nothing. _

_Edward- I can't tell you what reading your most intimate thoughts has done to repair the damage you caused. I know to some I may seem like I'm dragging my feet, like I'm making you suffer unnecessarily, but I know you understand. _

_I know you get how badly I was burned by Peter, the guy who I thought really liked me, then Jake, the guy I considered one of my closest friends, then you, who I thought could be my...everything. _

_I miss you so much, and I want to be in a place where I can move past all my insecurities and just be with you, but when you feel frustrated, when you feel like I'm being unreasonable, please remember that in less than a year I have been burned by three different guys in three different ways...and the only one I give a shit about working things out with, is you. Please remember that and be patient with me just a little longer._

_-Bella_

I stared bleary eyed at the letter, the words blurring and running together as my eyes darted over them again and again. I tried to ignore the words expressing how deeply I'd hurt her, the words that cut me to the quick and caused a sharp stabbing pain to the center of my chest.

I only wanted to focus on the parts where she said she loved me, the parts where she said she wanted to forgive me, but I failed ― spectacularly.

I wanted to call her, to tell her I meant every single word I'd written in my journal, but I wasn't oblivious to how the weight of my written words held so much more meaning to her. I pulled out paper and pen and let the words spill from my heart, letting her know exactly how I was feeling right in this moment.

_Bella,_

_I love you. I love you. I love you. I could write it a million times and it'd never express the true depths of my feeling for you. The words seem so simple, so meaningless and empty, because honestly...there are no words in the human dictionary that can truly capture the emotions surging through me when I think about you, when I look at you, when I press my lips to yours and feel your body against mine._

_When I close my eyes I don't see you naked laid out before me, I don't see carnal motions and harsh breaths as we fuck each other into oblivion. _

_Do you know what I see?_

_I see lazy mornings wrapped around one another sipping coffee and reading the Sunday comics. I see smiling faces and mischievous grins as we stare at one another across the room at a friend's party thinking how we can't wait to escape just to be alone._

_I see Christmas mornings and round faces with bright green eyes and chestnut brown hair staring us at with trust and love and the knowledge we will give them everything, because as a team, the two of us..we'll never fail at anything._

_I want it all with you Bella, I want my life with you...because without you...it's all meaningless anyway._

_With all my heart,_

_Edward_

_November 2011_

"Are you nervous?"

"A little." I answered, my mind racing over all of the possible questions they could throw at us, the ways I could screw things up and end up failing to graduate at all.

"What if I fuck it all up? What if I can't remember any of the answers, what if-"

"Edward." Bella scolded like she was talking to a five-year-old. Which if I was being honest I was totally acting like, or a drama queen. Either would work.

I sighed into the phone causing her to laugh. "You're going to do fine. It's almost over and then you'll graduate and come home and we'll laugh about the time you called freaking out thinking you were going to forget_ everything_." She exaggerated the word everything, completely mocking me.

Then I thought about her words and an entirely different kind of panic began to take over.

Home.

I had one more week and then, baring I didn't forget everything and bomb the testing portion, I'd be done. Graduated, and on my way back to Seattle, to Bella. Temporarily.

I'd have answers to all my questions then, too. I'd given her space and time just like I'd promised. I hadn't gone a day without talking to her, and I'd continued to write her letters and emails and texts, anything to show her I was here, ready, and would be the guy she deserved.

"Fine." I huffed, pulling away from my thoughts and focusing on the moment, on the sound of Bella's voice and the way I could hear her slow intakes of air when we were both silent.

"You're too stubborn not to pass. I can see you staring at the questions and demanding the answer to come to you. And if it refuses..." she trailed off, accompanied by a very uncharacteristic giggle, "you can always woo it with your words." She was straight up laughing by the time she finished.

"You love my words, don't lie."

She sighed dramatically and I could picture her with her hand on her forehead as she fake swooned. "I do."

"Or is it that you just like my mouth?" I lowered my voice, keeping it playful, but also letting her know I wasn't so much talking about my words anymore either.

"I like your mouth just fine." She shot back, her voice lowering, mimicking mine. "But that really doesn't account for the words you put on paper now does it?"

She sounded smug, like she'd managed to outsmart me, she should have known better.

"No, I suppose you're right," I conceded, "those words, are passed along to you by my hands, my fingers wrapped around a pen, gripping it tightly as I slide my hand across the sheet of paper, fast and slow, depending on how _hard_ the words are fighting to fly onto the paper."

"Oh my God," she exhaled, "you can make _anything_ dirty."

"It's a gift." I laughed.

"Yes, well, there is no arguing that, you _are_ quite gifted." Her tone was suggestive, her words intentionally breathless.

Now it was my turn to groan. Unless we were going to move into full blown phone sex, which I was totally fine with, but I knew she wasn't, we had to stop this line of conversation,_ now._

"You win." I surrendered.

"Giving in so soon?"

"I'll always give into you, Bella." I kept my voice lowered, but I also made sure I sounded as serious as intended.

"I'm beginning to believe that more and more everyday."

"Good." A surge of hope pushed through my doubts and insecurities and let the fact she was still here, still in my life, stamp out everything else. I could do this. For me. For her. For us.

I spent the rest of the day, as well as the next, locked away in my room studying. When the time came to take my tests I was finally in a place where my nerves were under control and I was confident that everything was going to be okay.

When they notified us of our scores and I learned I'd successfully completed my training the first person I called was Bella. She told me over and over she knew I could do it, how proud she was, and that she was bummed she wouldn't be able to come for graduation.

She wasn't the only one who was disappointed, but I reminded myself of the fact that she wanted to be here in the first place and it made the sting a little less sharp.

I wanted to be done with training. I wanted to be able to hop on a plane and fly back to Seattle. I wanted to be with Bella.

Emmett, Rose, and my parents, however, were going to make it to graduation. They flew in a couple of days early to spend some extra time with me, because we all knew once I got my assignment, I could end up anywhere.

The two days leading up to graduation passed in a blur. Emmett wanted to try out every damn restaurant he'd seen on the Food Network channel, which we did in between trying to fit in all of the sight seeing Mom and Dad wanted to do in DC.

Rose was the only one who didn't really give a damn what we did, claiming she was just along for the ride, although pulling her from the Eastern Market in DC did turn out to be more of a challenge than I'd anticipated.

"I'm so proud of you, Edward." Mom nodded her head as she spoke, her hands straightening the knot of my tie.

"Thanks." I mumbled so she wouldn't notice the slight shake in my voice. I'd spent four years in college and five months of complete hell to get to where I was right now, and I was pretty fucking proud of myself too.

"What's wrong?" I should have known better than to think I could get anything past her.

"Nothing's wrong. I just wish Bella could have made it."

"I know, honey. But you talked to her this morning, right?"

I nodded.

"And she'll be waiting for you when you get back, right?"

I nodded again.

"Things are good, right?" She asked with a smile.

A slow smile crept across my face as I admitted things were actually really good. Mom smiled and hugged me and told me she'd see me after graduation before she took off to find everyone else.

The heat was already unbearable by the time graduation started. I squinted against the bright sunlight as we filed one behind the other to receive our certificate and shake hands with the director.

"Edward Cullen." The announcer called over the microphone,

I rose to my feet and made my way to the podium, my eyes drifting over the crowd and landing on Emmett as he cheered and whistled, a huge smile on his face, however it was the face to his right that caused me to stumble and nearly fall flat on my face in front of everyone.

I froze, thinking the heat had finally gotten to me and I was having full blown hallucinations, because right beside Emmett, sat Bella.

She waved shyly, her cheeks pulled so high from her smile that her eyes were nearly closed. I waved back at her, a smile of my own breaking across my face.

"Edward Cullen." The announcer called again causing a few people to chuckle.

I shook my head grinning, not caring in the least that I probably looked like a damn fool, because my girl was here, in Virginia, with me.

As I sat through the rest of graduation, my leg bouncing, my eyes locking with Bella's every two seconds I cursed that my name wasn't Zimmerman or something of the like so when I saw her I wouldn't have had to sit here feeling tortured that I couldn't go to her.

When all of the names were called, and the final parting words given, I was out of my seat and pushing through the crowd before most people had even uncrossed their legs.

She finally came into view, standing with my parents and smiling like she knew about a secret that hadn't been told yet.

I slowed to a stop in front of her, letting my eyes move over her face and take in all of the little details that I had missed so much over the last couple of months.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered as my smile grew.

"You're not the only one who can make cross country surprise visits."

"Apparently not." I agreed, reaching out and pulling her against me, wrapping her in a hug. "You look beautiful by the way."

And she did, her dark green dress was fitted and showed off the perfect amount of skin, her heels giving her the added height to push her face into my neck.

"Thank you."

"You're really here." I repeated, needed to say it out loud again.

"I'm really here."

I smiled and pulled away slightly, raising my hands to cup her face. "I really need to kiss you."

She lifted her hands and covered mine, her eyes glassy. "You don't ever need to ask me that again."

My brows furrowed as I processed her words, the look in her eyes reflected there was more to what she was saying.

She smiled then, raising up on the balls of her feet and pressing her lips against mine, only pulling away enough to speak. "When I say I'm here, what I mean, is that I'm _here_. With you. No more indecision, no more second guessing. I'm all in. Where you go, I go." She slid her arms over my shoulders and around my neck, tears gathering in the corners of her eyes.

"And," she sniffed before pulling in a deep breath. "I love you."

"Fuck." I choked before crushing her to me and covering her mouth with mine. I tried to be gentle, to show her every bit of the emotions slamming into me, but I couldn't contain the raw need clawing inside of me as I kissed her―hard.

"I love you too, so fucking much." I mumbled against her lips, unwilling to pull away more than absolutely necessary, not wanting to break contact with her.

A throat cleared beside us, but I ignored it, my only focus on my girl, showing her all the things that words could never convey.

I kissed her again, softer this time, my tongue pushing inside of her mouth and moving in sync with hers as the entire world melted away. There was no one or nothing except for us in that moment, and it was fucking perfect.

"Edward, people are staring." she laughed, pulling away slightly as her eyes darted around us.

"Don't care," I muttered, flexing my fingers around her waist and holding her even tighter.

"Later." She promised.

I released her begrudgingly and turned to whoever in the hell had a death wish for interrupting us, only to find a very amused Agent Cheney standing next to my dad who wore a matching expression.

"Well this explains why you almost face planted on the stage." he laughed.

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled, not bothering to fight the smile spreading across my face.

I introduced everyone and after a couple of minutes Agent Cheney asked to speak with me in private.

"I just wanted to let you know that I'm proud of you, and I have no doubt that you will make an excellent addition to the FBI."

"Thank you."

"I was also curious if you had looked at any of the opening currently posted."

I shook my head. "I haven't, I've just been focused on getting through the last five months."

"Among other things?" He inclined his head toward Bella who was laughing with my parents about something Emmett had said.

"Among other things." I agreed.

"So, any preferences?" he asked, his attention back on me.

I kept my eyes on Bella, feeling my chest swell with how fucking perfect this day had turned out. How perfect everything was turning out.

"Some place near the water." I grinned, shaking his hand.

I walked over to Bella and pulled her back against my front, my mouth dropping to her ear. "I want to be alone with you. _Now._"

"That's the best idea I've heard all day."

I twined my fingers with hers, the simple movement feeling like so much more. Like two souls finally finding one another again after being ripped apart― having suffered an unbearable pain.

And it _had_ been unbearable, being separated, disconnected― so fucking lost. None of that mattered now, because she was here, with me, her very presence mending the broken fragments of my heart.

I smiled down at her as I walked us away from the crowd, her eyes bright and so beautiful as she held my gaze, certainty and trust and everything that mattered in my fucking world staring back at me.

"Thank you, baby. Thank you for letting me love you and for loving me."

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><p><strong>AN**

**Le sigh..right? GAH. Sorry for the late update, real life...its kinda kicked my ass this week. **

**IF and I say IF my stories get pulled, I will post them over on TWCS, same penname. Freaking little bastards with their dumbass agendas. **

**Thanks to all the people who make it possible for me to post every week, I love you all. **

**Just got back from seeing SWATH, it was bad ass...I also might me a little drunk..HOLLA! **

**I'll be on twitter and FB talkin smack..come play with me...I totally just said that like the creepy twins from The Shining. Yeahhhhhhh. Just...yeahhhhhh.**

**Only 3-4 chapters left! OH OH OH! IF you didn't get a review reply from me...ffn disabled your PMs. Fix it so I can tell you how lovely you are!**


	25. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present. ~Roger Babson<em>

**Chapter Twenty Four**

_November 2011_

"Bella!" I grabbed her hand and held it in place for a second before moving it over her thigh and pressing down, hopefully conveying that _her_ leg was the appropriate place for her hand right now.

She widened her eyes, looking anything but innocent. "What?"

She was going to kill me. I wouldn't have to worry about working for the FBI, getting robbed, being hit by a random car― no my death would come at the hands of a beautiful petite brunette.

And when I say hands― I mean that literally.

She reached for me again and I jerked back, managing to avoid her grabby hands. I had no interest in sitting through Thanksgiving dinner with an erection, especially with Charlie next to me and Alice shooting me daggers across the table every couple of minutes.

"What's gotten into you?" I hissed through clenched teeth, my body rigid as I tried to keep from throwing her on the table and having a completely different kind of dinner.

"Certainly not you." She somehow managed to scowl, raise her brow and smirk all at the same time. It honestly looked more painful than anything else.

Pain― that I understood. I shifted uncomfortably, tugging at the bottom of my shirt to make sure no one could see what she was doing to me.

After graduation, I'd taken her back to my room and managed to get us both out of our shirts before Garrett burst through the door. Needless to say I was less than amused, but after begrudgingly covering ourselves again, I decided maybe this wasn't the best place for what I had planned.

We went out with Garrett and the rest of my family, I even introduced Bella to Jessica and Lauren. Pretty sure the eye fuck Lauren gave Bella bothered me more than it did her.

We were so exhausted by the time we made it to my room that we were asleep within ten minutes of falling into bed.

Once we landed back in Seattle it seemed the entire world was conspiring against us. Bella was working more hours at the aquarium, my parents cashed in on my promise to come visit them for a few days, and before I knew it a week had passed and I still hadn't managed to get any alone time with Bella.

That shit ended today, I had about all I could stand, and it seemed I wasn't the only one who felt that way.

I leaned into her, letting my lips brush against her ear as I spoke. "Bella, if you don't stop trying to grab my dick with your dad right next to me, I can't be held responsible for the things I'll be forced to do to you...in front of him."

She sucked in a sharp breath, her shoulders jerking as she shivered. I wasn't done yet though, she'd rubbed my thigh for the past half hour and palmed my junk at least four times, I was due a little payback.

"I'd rather not be interrupted when I push inside of you slowly― inch," I nipped her ear. "by, inch."

Bella pushed away from the table quickly, her chair almost toppling over from the force as she jumped to her feet.

I leaned away from her, a smirk plastered across my face as Alice and Jasper stared at her with matching shocked expressions.

"I'm going to get the rest of the food. You know, the dessert. For dessert. So we can eat. And leave. And...yeah."

She turned and hurried into the kitchen and I couldn't hold back the chuckle that slipped out.

Charlie cleared his throat, causing my eyes to snap to his, he was staring at me, his eyes narrowed with suspicion. I shifted my weight, wondering if maybe I wasn't as quiet as I thought I'd been.

"Have you heard any word from the bureau about where they are going to send you?" He asked, taking a sip from his beer.

"Not yet, they said it could be up to thirty days before I received my assignment."

He hummed to himself, and rubbed his chin. "I'm sure gonna miss her when she's gone."

His eyes had a faraway look, his tone so low I wasn't sure if I was meant to hear his comment.

"We don't know that she's going anywhere, Uncle Charlie." Alice cut in, her eyes boring into the side of my face.

I didn't look at her, my attention still focused on Charlie. To be honest, I was a little scared of Alice. She had this wild look in her eye from time to time that hinted she might be a little unstable. I had no intention of setting her off and waking up with a horse head in the bed beside me.

"Alice." I turned my head to Jasper as he called her name, his voice almost pleading as he squeezed her hand. "C'mon, don't start."

"Don't 'Alice' me. You weren't with her after everything happened. You didn't see how devastated she was." she spat.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her shift and redirect her attention back to me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at her for an entirely different reason this time―shame.

"How do we know that you won't hurt her again, Edward? Can you tell me that?"

I lifted my head slowly, and met her stare, seeing the protectiveness in her eyes. I wanted to tell her to mind her own damn business, but the fact of the matter was― Bella was her business, and she had just as much right as anyone to be worried about her.

"He doesn't have to tell you anything, Alice." Bella said, leaning over the table and placing a pie and stack of plates in the center. "I trust him. That's all that matters."

Her tone was calm, even, almost nonchalant, but the look in her eyes was anything but.

Alice opened her mouth to speak but Bella raised her hand to cut her off. "Life is full of what if's, Alice. What if I go left when I should have went right? What if that car doesn't stop at the traffic light? I can't go through my life wondering what if. I don't want to live like that. I _won't_ live like that."

Alice dropped her eyes to the table and I couldn't help but feel a little bad for her. "Alice," I said softly, "I love Bella. She's given me a second chance, I won't do anything to need another."

Bella looked down at me, her smile soft and sweet― no trace of the she devil who ran out of here earlier like her ass was on fire.

"Well, now that we have all that cleared up, who wants dessert?" Charlie grunted as he leaned forward and cut a huge chunk out of the pie and plopped it onto his plate.

"I'll get in on that action." Jasper laughed reaching for the slice Charlie cut, smiling widely at Charlie's glare.

Things seemed to mellow again after that, I caught Alice's eye once everyone was distracted and mouthed 'I promise' to her. She gave me a half smile and nodded her head before pointing two fingers at her eyes then back at me, the universal sign for I'll be watching you.

I couldn't help but grin― she was as full of piss and vinegar as Rose. Hell, they all were for that matter. I wasn't sure how Emmett, Jasper, and I ended up with such pistols, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Charlie had just cracked open his fifth, maybe sixth beer― I wasn't sure which―and was gearing up to tell us another camping story when Bella's hand started to creep over the top of my thigh again.

I slid my eyes over to her, but she kept her attention on Alice as she sipped from her glass of wine, appearing to be completely engrossed in her conversation. I knew better.

"...been there, Edward?"

I jumped in surprise and looked over at Charlie who stared at me expectantly. I had no idea what he'd said so I asked him to repeat the question.

"Goat Rocks, have you ever been up there?"

I opened my mouth to answer at the same time as Bella's hand crept across the top of my thigh and palmed my junk―again.

I jerked my leg and clamped her hand down, which really didn't help at all since I was now holding her against me.

"Bella, will you behave yourself so poor Edward can attempt to have a civilized conversation?"

My eyes widened as I watched Charlie raise a brow at Bella in challenge.

She opened and closed her mouth several times as Jasper and Alice laughed their asses off.

"Fine," she grumbled cutting her eyes to me as she slowly moved her hand back to her own lap.

I looked between the two of them, trying to figure out what in the fuck was going on, when Charlie asked me again about camping― like what just happened was no big deal.

They were all insane.

Charlie, Jasper, and I eventually moved into the living room while Bella and Alice finished cleaning up. I felt bad about having them do all the work, but wasn't willing to offer my help knowing Alice would be in there as well, with all the knives.

We were just getting ready to watch whatever game was playing when Bella strolled into the living room.

"Have a seat, Bells, we were just getting ready to watch the game." Charlie called, popping the top off another beer.

"Like hell we are," Bella laughed grabbing my hand and yanking me to my feet.

Well then, I guess we were leaving.

"What's the rush?" He tried to sound innocent, but the constant twitch of his lips made it pretty obvious he was messing with her.

"Some things, Charlie," she smirked, looping her finger through my belt loop and walking backwards, pulling me with her, "you're better off not knowing."

He laughed and shook his head before yelling to me, "We still on two weeks from Sunday?"

"Sure thing, Charlie, I wouldn't miss it."

Alice and Jasper yelled their goodbyes from the couch as we turned and ran for the car.

"What was that all about?" She asked as we climbed into Emmett's car.

"Man stuff." I lowered my voice and puffed out my chest while I spoke causing her to laugh.

"Fine, have your secrets."

I knew she was joking, teasing me, but that didn't stop the sharp sting of guilt that still burned under the surface.

"No secrets." I whispered, pulling her face to mine and kissing her gentle.

"I know, I was only kidding."

"I know you were, I just― I really need to be alone with you. I miss us." I kissed her again, smoothing my hand down her side, letting my thumb graze over her nipple.

"Unless we plan on trying our hand at indecent exposure, you really need to drive now."

I laughed and kissed the tip of her nose before straightening back up in my seat and starting the car. The ride back to Seattle was painful to say the least. Every brush of her fingers against my leg, each secret smile I caught in my peripheral all caused the electric current that buzzed around us to pop and crackle.

I pulled in front of her building and shut off the engine, we sat in silence for a few seconds before she looked over at me and smiled. "You know you're coming up right?"

I nodded, wondering if she'd lost her mind thinking of any situation that didn't end with us naked. I hopped out of the car and jogged around to her side, catching her body against it as she shut her door.

I pressed myself flush with her as she tilted her head back, giving me the perfect angle to kiss her stupid.

"Well someone's eager." she laughed, pushing against my chest and causing me to stumble backwards. She threw her head back and laughed before threading her fingers with mine and taking off in a run toward her apartment.

I followed behind her, jogging easily and enjoying the light, easy feel between us. It felt right, like it was supposed to be, like we were meant to be. We staggered through her front door, laughing when I tripped over her feet and fell into her.

I pulled us up-right, before she spun around to face me, her expression serious― not a hint of playfulness. I swallowed thickly, not entirely sure what her change in demeanor meant.

She stepped forward, her hands coming in contact with my chest and pushing until my back hit the door with a thud.

"You know exactly what the cops look for when investigating a crime scene, right?" Her voice had a hard edge to it, her words low and serious.

"Yes," I answered hesitantly, wondering where in the hell she was going with this.

"Good, because if someone interrupts us, I will have to end them, and I will need for you to cover up my crime. I couldn't handle prison, the only kind of crabs I want to study are in the ocean."

Somehow she managed to get through her entire spiel completely stone faced, I couldn't say the same for me as I doubled over with laughter. Without giving it a second thought I wrapped my arms around the back of her thighs and lifted her over my shoulder in one quick move.

"Shit," she gasped, her hands clutching the back of my shirt as I moved down the hall toward her bedroom.

I reached up and smacked her ass. "You have just conspired to commit a crime. As an officer it is my responsibility to see that you are punished to the full extent of the law."

"Oh Mr. Officer," she moaned dramatically, her hands sliding inside my jeans and grabbing my ass. "I have been a bad, bad girl, and I am ready for my punishment."

I groaned, because even though she was joking, she used this breathy 'I want to fuck your brains out' voice that threatened to cause my knees to buckle.

I kicked the door to her room open and walked to her bed, throwing her over my shoulder and bouncing her on the mattress.

"Should I read you your rights now?" I smirked, bending over her and placing a hand on either side of her head.

"I'd rather forgo all my rights and go straight to the punishment part."

"Baby," I whispered, the mood shifting―becoming serious― as I brought my face to hers, "you're killing me here."

Her voice was low and soft when she responded. "Never. That would ruin everything."

I kissed her then, my tongue tangling with hers as her arms wrapped around my neck and pulled me down on top of her.

She slid her arms to my shoulders and pushed back slightly so she could look me in the eye.

"Give me just a minute?"

I nodded and rose to my feet so she could stand up and move to the bathroom. I reached for the hem of my shirt and pulled it over my head before snapping the buttons of my jeans and pulling them off as I kicked my shoes across the room.

I fell back onto her bed and inhaled the scent of her lotion, blackberry and lilacs― it grounded me, made me realize where I was, and how fucking lucky I was to be here.

I listened as she banged around the bathroom, the sound of the water running in the sink, clothes falling to the floor followed by soft curses before I heard her clear her throat, much closer this time.

I snapped my head up, my eyes zeroing in on her, and all of the breath leaving my body as I realized what she was wearing.

"You know, I thought I was going to have the upper hand― walk in all sexy like," she started, moving toward me, her hips swaying exaggeratedly, a smirk pulling at the corner of her mouth, "but then I come out here and find you in nothing but your boxers..."

She moved until she stood directly in front of me, her knee pressing against mine so she could wedge herself in between my legs.

I still hadn't managed to close my mouth as I lifted my hands and wrapped them around her thighs, tugging her forward. I swallowed thickly as I skimmed my hands up her legs, underneath the FBI shirt I'd given her, and over the swell of her very pantiless ass.

"You sure you're not trying to kill me?" I croaked, the words lodged in my throat.

"I could ask you the same thing." She lifted her arms and wrapped them around my neck, pushing her fingers into my hair before dragging her nails against my scalp.

"Ah, fuck," I groaned, my eyes rolling back in my head, my fingers flexing and squeezing her ass.

"That _is_ the plan."

I chuckled and raised my arms higher, gathering the material of the shirt and pushing it over her head. I dropped it to the floor as our eyes locked and we stared at one another― her eyes soft, her smile gentle, relaxed.

"Baby." I whispered, letting my eyes slide down her perfect fucking body as I slipped my arms around her waist. I leaned forward and pressed my head into her stomach, so completely overwhelmed that this stupidly perfect girl had not only forgiven me, but taken me back into her life.

Her hands brushed the sides of my face before she nudged my head up to look at her.

"I know" was all she said before leaning down and pressing her lips to mine. I stood slowly, turning us so her knees hit the back of the bed.

"I've missed you. I've missed this. Let me show you." I could barely keep my breathing even or my tone calm. I was balancing on a knife's edge, so many different emotions and urges fighting within me.

She nodded as I guided her onto the bed, positioning her so her head was on the pillow and her entire body was stretched out. I moved to the end and dropped to my knees, ignoring the confused expression on her face.

"Thank you." I lifted her foot and leaned forward, my eyes locked with hers as I placed a kiss on the inside of her ankle. "I love you." I whispered against her skin.

I moved forward again, sliding my hand up her leg to her knee thanking her again before pulling it to my mouth and kissing her skin once more.

"I love you."

"Ed-"

I shook my head, she didn't need to say anything, I knew _exactly_ what she was feeling. I watched as a tear slipped from the corner of her eye and her chin quivered slightly.

I kissed her hip bone, her belly button, the inside of her wrist, the bend of her elbow, her shoulder, her collarbone, her neck, chin, nose, forehead, and finally her lips.

Each time before I pressed my lips against her skin I thanked her― for so many fucking things― and told her I loved her over and over again. By the time my mouth connected with hers our lips were wet and salty.

"I love you, too."

"I know you do, baby." Because I did know. There was no other explanation for her forgiving me and giving me another chance to love her.

"I need you." She leaned up a little, her fingers grasping the waistband of my boxers and pushing down. I raised up on my knees so I could kick them the rest of the way off, staying that way for a second so I could look at her again.

I couldn't _stop_ looking at her. I wanted to look at her this way every day of forever.

I slowly lowered back down until I hovered just above her, sliding my hands under her arms and curling my fingers around her shoulders.

I dropped my head, my lips ghosting over my freckle, my nose brushing against hers.

"I missed you, too." I whispered, kissing it once more before letting my lips slide across her skin to her mouth.

"Edward, please."

I reached between us, my hand moving down her stomach before cupping her, my fingers easily slipping between the soft, slick skin. I pushed one finger, then another inside, causing her to moan softly and arch her back.

I dropped my mouth to her nipple, loving the way it tightened as my breath washed over her skin. I wet my lips then slowly dragged my tongue over her hardened peak in long, soft strokes before sucking it into my mouth and biting down gently.

I continued to pump my fingers inside of her, twisting and curling them the way she liked until her back stiffened, her eyes fell shut, and her hands fisted the sheets at her sides.

I waited for her breathing to slow as I moved my hand from between us and slid it back under her arm and around her shoulder again. I rocked forward, freezing as the head of my dick pushed inside.

My entire fucking world seemed to still, everything zeroing in and focusing on this _one _moment and the feel of her body wrapping around mine as I pushed into her fully.

"Fuck," I gasped, bringing my mouth to hers.

She wrapped her arms around my neck before lifting her legs and locking her ankles behind me. I rocked against her, slow at first until her legs gripped me tighter and her hips lifted to meet mine― demanding more.

I squeezed her shoulders and opened my mouth over hers again, my tongue pushing inside as I dropped my hips, my pace increasing as I drove into her harder, deeper.

Her body slid up the bed from the force of my thrusts, but I gripped her harder, locking her into place as I moved inside of her again and again. She shifted her legs higher, her heels digging into my lower back, the new angle sucking me deeper until I was lost.

"Are you close? Can you come again? Please tell me you're close." I begged, my feet flexing and my legs locking as heat coiled in my stomach before dropping and causing all of my muscles to constrict.

"Yeah― just...oh God." She moaned, her legs clamping around me like a fucking vice as stars exploded over my hazy vision, each shuddering pulse of my orgasm causing my entire body to jerk uncontrollably.

I fell onto her heavily, my entire body weak. "That was..." I couldn't think of anything else to add, apparently I'd been fucked speechless.

"Yeah."

And it seemed I wasn't the only one.

I rolled off her and pulled her body against mine, feeling complete―truly content― for the first time in my life. Nothing was missing, there were no lies hanging over my head, no hidden agendas or ulterior motives, just me and my girl and it was fucking perfect.

I kissed her temple and inhaled deeply. "Night, baby."

"Night, Stalker."

I couldn't stop the huge smile that spread across my face at her words. I wasn't worried about jobs, or douchebags, or tiny cousins with deathly glares― because me and Bella, we could handle anything together.

Of course this theory was tested the very next morning when 'The Douchebag' called and asked if she could come into work.

I might have made entirely more noise than necessary when she was on the phone with him, the massive eye roll Bella gave me let me know she knew exactly what I was doing. But she smiled, so I didn't figure she minded too much.

It wasn't that I didn't trust Bella, but I am a man, and when another guy tries to move in on my girl, well I couldn't help going a little caveman.

"You're ridiculous." She laughed, throwing a shirt at me when she ended her call.

I shrugged my shoulders. I knew that, didn't change shit though.

"What are your plans today since I have to work for a few hours?"

"You don't _have_ to go in."

"I don't _have _to go in, but they need some help, and I really want to make Dr. Masen happy since he offered me that three month extension."

Ah, yes. The extension. "So you'll be working at the aquarium until the end of February, right?"

It was February, I knew that, I'd glared at the calendar for a half hour when she'd told me earlier this week.

"Yes, but you know that doesn't change anything don't you?" She walked over to the bed and sat beside me, her hand finding mine. "I go where you go."

"I know it doesn't change anything. It just means, where I go you go...two months later."

"It's all part of the plan to make you do all of the unpacking." she laughed.

We'd talked a lot on the phone while I was visiting my parents, it was almost like when I was with them last Christmas, except so much fucking better.

She told me about the extension they'd offered her, and while at first I wanted to be selfish about it, there was no way I'd expect her to give up an opportunity that would help her find a job later.

It also didn't hurt that we'd just discussed living arrangements, and while to some it might seem fast, we knew what we wanted and didn't see the sense in moving to a strange place together and having two separate apartments.

I expected to get my job placement notification in about a week or so, and then I'd only have a few more weeks to get everything finalized before I had to move.

If I was right about the timing, I'd be here through New Year's and that was it. Which meant I was to be without Bella for two months―again. Awesome.

But she was right, two months was nothing when you have your whole life together. I just had to figure out how I was going to solidify that little detail.

"Where'd you go?" She laughed, squeezing my hand.

"Just thinking."

"So, today? What are your plans."

"I'll take Em his car, maybe go for a run, then head to the gym and lift for a while."

Her eyes drifted slowly down my chest to my stomach, her fingers tightening around mine.

"Where'd you go?" I smirked.

"Oh my God, you suck." She groaned, pulling her hand away from mine and stomping off to the bathroom without another word.

I started picking up my clothes and straightening up a bit, realizing our house was going to be really fucking messy when we moved in together.

She cleared her throat causing me to jump. "I thought you-"

I didn't finish that sentence when my eyes landed on her standing completely naked in the doorway.

She raised her brow and turned back to the bathroom without saying a word.

I yanked my boxers down, dropping the clothes I was holding onto the floor and following behind her. There was no way in hell I was turning down shower sex.

We fell into a routine after that, when she was at work I hung out with Em and Rose, but whenever she wasn't working― we were together.

I hadn't fallen asleep without her since Thanksgiving and the more time that passed the harder I knew it was going to be when our time came.

But I reminded myself it would only be temporary, I repeated her words like a mantra "Where you go I go."

I checked the mail, grabbing the handful of envelopes inside the box as I made my way over to Emmett's car to meet Charlie. I flung everything into the passenger seat and started the car when I noticed one of the envelopes had the familiar seal of the FBI.

I pulled it out of the stack and took a deep breath before ripping it open―all of my breath leaving me in a whoosh as I scanned the letter.

"Where I go she goes. Where I go she goes." I repeated again and again to no one, hoping she realized exactly what that meant.

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><p><strong>AN**

**GERRR-SPLOOSH!**

**Hi. I'm still here. Woohoo!**

**Before anyone asks, they were safe, Edward just has ninja like reflexes, I mean...it has been a while for the poor boy. Plus, talking about prophylactics kinda would have ruined the flow, know what I mean brobean? Yeahhh.**

**You guys blew me away with the last chapter, I'm so glad you liked it!**

**Big thanks to cejsmom for betaing this chapter not once, but _twice_ when google docs decided to be a whore and not show me ANY of her comments in the doc. -_- Not cool google.**

**Thanks to my fab 5 who preread and laugh with me when I send them one word review replies like Nippleporn. I love y'all.**

**And thank you guys for reading! I'm thinking 2 more chapters and a short epi to go! I already have all the sads! GAH**


	26. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em>Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery<em>

**Chapter Twenty Five**

_December 2011_

"Damn, Son." Charlie exhaled, his face pinched―I knew exactly how he felt.

"Yeah."

"That's so far away. Of all the positions, this was the only one they could give you?"

I sighed and began loading my gun again. "Honestly, I think I'm partially to blame for where I've been assigned."

"How so?"

"I asked to be somewhere near the water." I admitted, still trying to shake off the shock.

"Well, you damn sure got your wish didn't you?" He tried to smile, but I could tell he was having as much trouble digesting the information as I was.

Hawaii. I was moving to Hawaii. _We_ were moving to Hawaii.

"Could be worse," I shrugged, trying to stay positive, "I could have been assigned somewhere like Kansas, that place isn't exactly flourishing with marine life if you know what I mean."

"She'll be excited." He nodded, loading his pistol for his second round at the target.

"I hope so." I really wasn't sure how she'd react. As far as her career was concerned, it couldn't get much better than a place like Hawaii, but it was so damn far away from her family.

"She will be. She may be shocked at first, but she's made her decision, you don't have anything to worry about."

He turned his back then and slipped his goggles back over his face. I let out a deep breath and moved beside him to my own target. A million thoughts swirled around in my head, would she go even if she didn't want to, just to be with me?

Would she resent me for it later? Possibly put a strain on us, being so isolated from everyone?

I squeezed the trigger in quick succession, not pausing to see if I needed to realign my shot, I needed to blast some anxiety out of me, and fast.

I'd called Agent Cheney as soon as I'd read the letter, I knew it would do no good―that it was what it was― but if I didn't at least try and see if there was another assignment somewhere closer I would feel guilty. And just like I'd suspected, it was Hawaii, or some shitty little town in nowhere Iowa, which had about as much marine life as Kansas.

"I'm a little concerned that you managed to graduate from the FBI with aim like that."

I jerked my head around to Charlie who was staring at me with his eyebrow raised and a small smile twitching the corner of his mouth. My eyes drifted back to the target and _fuck me_, I'd barely managed to hit the paper, much less the target.

"Sorry, I was a little distracted."

He hummed in agreement, but didn't say anything else about my shitty aim, instead changing the subject.

"C'mon, I think we've had enough of the shooting range, let's go grab a beer."

"Best idea I've heard all day."

We grabbed our things and walked down the street to a sports bar, finding a booth in the back and ordering a couple of beers.

"So what's got you so worked up?" he asked once the server brought us our beer.

"I'm just worried about how she's going to feel, being so far away from you guys. I don't want her to feel like she's choosing me over her family."

"But she is." His tone was blunt, matter of fact―but not angry, or upset.

"What do you mean? I don't want her to feel like she's-"

He held up his hand to cut me off. "Son, that's the way it's supposed to be. We're her family, and we love her, but you're the one she's chosen to start her life with. You should come first."

He had that same look on his face he had the day we were on the lake, and again I got the feeling he wasn't so much talking about me and Bella.

"Sounds like you're speaking from personal experience." I hedged, wondering if there was something he wanted to get off his chest.

"I am." he nodded, his tone just as blunt as before.

I sat quietly, waiting to see if he'd continue or if that was the end of his confession. After a couple of tense moments he sighed heavily and leaned back in his chair.

"My parents, rest their souls, were assholes."

I choked on my beer, my eyes watering as I tried to pull in a breath.

He shrugged and took a drink from his own beer before continuing. "My parents weren't a fan of Renee. She hated it here, wanted us to leave, but my parents disagreed. They used every guilt trip they could think of to get me to stay, played on my insecurities. She threatened to leave without me, but I never took her seriously. One day I came home and she was gone."

I watched his eyes darken, the light draining from them slowly―he actually looked like he was going to be sick.

"I found out a few months later that she was pregnant with Bella. I tried to follow her, but it was too late by then, she'd wanted me to come for _her_―not because she was having our baby. I should have fought harder, I should have moved down there, I should have put her first."

He shook his head sadly and I got the distinct impression that Charlie wasn't over Renee in the least.

"That's why I came to you. Bella is so stubborn, and I may not have raised her in the traditional sense, but I know my daughter. I didn't want her to ever feel like I made Renee feel― like she wasn't worth fighting for. And whether she wanted to admit it at the time or not, she wanted you to fight for her, too." He nodded his head in a 'trust me I know these things' kind of way that made me feel a whole lot fucking better about telling Bella about Hawaii.

"Thanks Charlie," I mumbled, overwhelmed not only by how fucking sad his story was, but that I came so close to being just like him. I thought about my conversation with Emmett, how terrible it would be going through life knowing you had _The One_ and lost them.

"Now enough of that. When are you planning on making an honest woman out of her?"

"Shit," I choked as he let out a full blown belly laugh.

"I'm just messing with you kid, you two have all the time in the world for that."

"But I will though." I answered immediately, my tone serious. "When the time is right."

He nodded one last time before the topic switched to sports and all thoughts of relocating, and mistakes, and lost loves were pushed to the side. By the time we finally left I was relaxed and even a little excited about telling Bella where I'd been assigned. Of course the six beers I had probably didn't hurt.

After parting ways with Charlie I walked to the closest drug store and bought every random thing I could find that had anything to do with Hawaii― from Hawaiian Tropics sun block to one of those flower things girls wear in their hair. I was pretty sure she'd think I'd lost my mind, but all the Blue Moon I'd drank earlier convinced me it was an excellent idea.

When I got home, after sobering up a little and side eyeing all the shit I'd bought, I started listing all the things I needed to do before I left after the first of January.

I tried not to dwell on the fact I'd be leaving Bella again, regardless of how short our time apart would be, it hurt to think about being without her again so soon.

I picked up my phone and scrolled to her name so I could send her a text.

**Come to my place as soon as you're done with work? -Edward**

I let out a heavy breath before dropping my elbows to my knees and cradling my head. I wanted to go to her job, throw her over my shoulder and lock her away in a room with me until I had to board the plane and leave her for almost two months.

My phone vibrated with an incoming message and I flipped it open to read her response.

**Sure. Everything okay? -Bella**

**Yeah, I just miss you. -Edward**

Her response was immediate.

**But you saw me this morning... -Bella**

**Exactly. Too long. I love you. -Edward**

**I love you, too. -Bella**

I bounced my leg, trying to figure out what to do until she got here. I thought about going for a run, but after all the beer I'd drank earlier it would probably do more harm than good. It would be close to dinner by the time she got here, maybe I could cook her something. Maybe some authentic Hawaiian food.

I opened my laptop and pulled up a couple of recipes before it became obvious that one, I didn't have any of the shit I needed to make any of these recipes, and two, I would fuck them up even if I did have what I needed.

I sighed and rubbed my hand down my face before another idea hit me, I might not be able to cook, but I could order take out like a damn pro.

I pulled up a couple of restaurants before choosing one that seemed to have the biggest selection of authentic food―then proceeded to order just about every damn item on their menu. I ordered Hawaiian bbq, some damn beef that was outrageous, mahi mahi, and any other food that could be directly tied to Hawaii.

By the time I was done I had a hefty bill and an hour to burn before the food was delivered.

I paced, I cleaned, I might have even started a couple of conversations with myself. Luckily the pacing and cleaning burned up most of my time so before I crossed the border into straight up crazy until the food arrived and I had something else to do.

I'd just finished pulling everything out of the containers and cleaning up my mess when I heard the front door open.

"Hey," Bella yelled, from down the hall.

I threw the towel on the counter and jogged down to meet her, wrapping her in my arms and kissing her hard.

"You really did miss me," she chuckled, running her hand down the side of my face.

"I really did."

I leaned in to kiss her again only to have her palm my face and twist her head away from me.

"Oh my God, what is that smell?" She breathed in deeply, her eyes rolling back and sliding shut. I knew that face, and if she planned on actually eating she would need to stop making it immediately.

Then I thought about the food in the kitchen, and why I'd gotten it in the first place, and suddenly all dirty thoughts were gone, replaced with anxiety and nerves.

"I got dinner for us." I slid my hand down her side and hooked my finger in her belt loop, walking backwards to the kitchen as I tugged her along with me.

"Okay." She smiled, her tone colored with the same confusion that was clear on her face.

"I didn't cook." I laughed, releasing her once we got the the table and motioned for her to have a seat.

"Oh thank God." She deadpanned.

"Smartass," I mumbled, shaking my head at her.

"Did you have a good time with Charlie?"

I nodded and set two plates of food on the table, each one loaded with a little bit of everything I'd bought.

"Holy shit, Edward! What is this, The Last Supper?" Her eyes were huge, her mouth hanging open as her eyes jumped from my face to the plate I'd set in front of her.

"I just didn't know what you'd like, so I got a little of everything."

"But, why―what's going on, Edward?" She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, narrowing her eyes as she stared at me.

I blew out a breath and fell into the seat across from her, letting my head bang against the table.

"I honestly have no fucking clue."

"Okay, well...how about you start with what has you literally banging your head against the table."

I lifted my head, focusing on her soft, concerned gaze. Her brows furrowed as she leaned forward and placed her hand on my knee "You can tell me anything."

I licked my lips and smiled, all of my anxiety melting away as I realized I was being completely ridiculous. I could tell her anything, because she was my best friend, the girl I loved more than anything― she was my person.

"We're moving to Hawaii." I blurted out. Okay, that wasn't exactly the way I'd planned on telling her.

"What?" She reeled back from me, her eyes wide, her hand clutching her chest.

"Um, Hawaii. I got my assignment. And that's where I've been assigned." I looked down at all of food and couldn't help but chuckle, still wondering what in the hell I'd actually hoped to accomplish. "Surprise."

"Hawaii? As in the state?"

"Yeah, that one."

"Shit." She choked, slumping back into her seat and staring vacantly over my head.

My heart started beating faster, my hands becoming clammy as she sat motionless staring at nothing. Fuck. Was I wrong? Was Hawaii too far?

"Baby?" I copied her movements from earlier, leaning forward and sliding my hand over the top of her thigh. She jerked her head, her gaze colliding with mine.

"We're moving to Hawaii?"

The lump lodged in my throat kept me from answering so instead I nodded, my eyes searching her face for any indication of what she was thinking.

"Holy fucking shit, we're moving to Hawaii!" she screamed, springing to her feet and launching herself to me.

"Whoa! Fuck," I grunted, the chair tipping to the side and sending us both to the floor as her body slammed into mine.

"Oh, shit," she laughed, "are you okay?"

I let my head fall against the floor and brought my hands to her waist as she straddled my hips. "Yeah," I chuckled. "I am now."

"Why were you so nervous?" She asked, her voice soft as she stroked her hands up and down my forearms.

"It's so far away from your family. I was worried that you would second guess-"

"Shut up." She smiled. "I told you I was all in. Where you go I go. No matter where that is, I just want to be with you."

She leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine and in that moment I couldn't remember why the fuck I'd been so worried in the first place.

"Whoa, y'all aren't about to have sex are you?" Emmett yelled from the doorway.

"Yes, Emmett, we were. Now go away." Bella mumbled against my lips causing Emmett and I both to start laughing. I patted her ass and pushed up until we were sitting upright..

I brushed her hair over her shoulder and leaned in close to her ear before whispering. "Later."

"Damn, this is a lot of food, even for me, are you two high?"

"No, Emmett." I wrapped my hands around Bella's waist and lifted her up. "I got my assignment today and I was trying to figure out how to tell Bella―hence the food." I said, motioning toward the table.

Bella grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the floor, a huge smile on her face. I wrapped my arms around her and she laid her head against my chest as we both watched Emmett working out what I meant.

It took a couple of seconds before a look of understanding crossed his face―immediately followed by shock.

"Hawaii?"

"Yup." Bella laughed, squeezing my hand.

"But that's so far..." he trailed off, his brow pulled down.

It struck me then that I had been so worried about how Bella would react that I hadn't really given much thought to how Emmett, Rose, or my parents would take the news.

"Look at it this way, you'll have a free place to stay when you guys go on vacation." I offered, trying to stifle my own emotions.

He took a step toward me and threw him arms around my shoulders, squeezing me so tight I could barely breathe.

"I'm going to miss you, bro." He patted my back twice and released me, turning quickly―but not before I saw the tears in his eyes.

I cut my eyes to Bella, who was watching Emmett with a sad smile on her face. She motioned with her head that she was going to the living room and I nodded before turning my attention back to Emmett.

I stepped to the table and pulled one of the chairs across the floor roughly to get his attention. I fell into the seat and pushed the plate across from me toward him as he turned and faced me.

"I'm going to miss you too." I said a few seconds after he sat down.

"I know man, it's just, we've never lived that far apart before. It's gonna be weird." He shrugged, picking up a piece of chicken and shoving it into his mouth.

I nodded and looked down at my lap. It _would_ be weird not seeing him everyday. Emmett may have his shit together and be overly mature for his age, but when it's all said and done, he was still my baby brother.

"I'm glad you'll have Bella with you, though. I'd hate for you to be that far away and be alone."

I smiled then, and so did he. "Yeah, I still can't believe she's really here, that she gave me a second chance after all of the shit I did."

"Because that wasn't you. She knew that."

"You're moving to Hawaii?" Rose cried, running into the kitchen and hugging me from behind. I turned my head to the doorway where Bella stood, her face blotchy and her eyes red.

"C'mon Rose, don't cry, you'll see me again." I reached up and squeezed her hand as she stepped away from me.

"Pfft, I'm not worried about you. You're taking Bella!" she accused her eyes narrowed. "What am I going to do now, she's one of the few friends I have. You know I don't like people!"

My brows shot up as a smile spread across my face.

"Are you for real right now?" I laughed.

"Hell yes I am. You suck." She reached over me and grabbed a piece of chicken from my plate shaking it in my face. "And I'm taking this chicken. Deal with it."

She turned and stomped out of the room as I stared at her incredulously.

"Well, there that is." Emmett laughed, pushing away from the table.

"There that fucking is." I agreed, shaking my head.

Bella walked over to Emmett and hip checked him, causing him to stumble a couple of steps. "Move it. You're not eating all my food."

He eyed her for a second, maybe working out whether or not he could take her before he made some sort of grunting noise and leaned against the counter.

"You take care of my brother, okay." he said seriously.

Bella smiled softly and nodded. "I will Em, I promise."

He pushed off the counter and walked past me, patting my shoulder twice as he left the room.

"So what happens now?"

"Well," I smiled, leaning in closer to her, "we can start with getting you out of these clothes, then I want to see if I can get you to make that noise when-"

"Not _right now_, right now." She laughed. "I mean, what needs to be done to get everything settled for our move. When do you leave?"

She smiled widely, her eyes bright as she bounced in her seat, her excitement infectious.

"Well, we need to find an apartment first. I have money from my trust I can use as a down payment, but I thought we could rent first until we knew the area better and could pick out something together."

"I like that idea. Very much."

We spent the next two weeks doing nothing but apartment shopping, packing, and all of the other little things that needed to be done. Before I realized it Christmas was four days away and not only had I yet to pick up Bella's present, but we also hadn't discussed whether or not she was coming with me to Forks.

Which is why I was going straight to the aquarium to meet her for lunch after I picked up her gift. Of course that was before one of the charms in the jewelry case caught my eye.

"Yes, the one in the back," I told the saleslady, pointing to the plumeria charm in the jewelry case.

"And you want this one in addition to the one you had custom made?" She asked, her eyes lighting up as she slide the glass case closed―no doubt adding up the costs of both items.

"Yes." I answered, handing over my credit card as she finished boxing up Bella's gifts and running my card.

I thought about the other night at dinner when I noticed that she was wearing the bracelet I'd given her. At first I couldn't figure out why that seemed off, until I realized even when we'd been apart and she hated me, she'd kept it. When I'd asked her about it, she just shrugged and said it was all she had of me and she wasn't ready to let it go.

After dinner I reminded her over and over exactly how grateful I was she hadn't.

After I dropped her presents off at the apartment, along with all of the other shit I'd bought for everyone I headed to meet Bella for lunch. I walked into the building and ran straight into Dr. Masen.

"Edward, hello, how are you."

"Great, things are great."

"Bella told me you about your job assignment in Hawaii, congratulations." he smiled, patting my shoulder.

"Thanks, yeah, we're excited. It'll be great for Bella, too."

"Yes. Indeed it will. I offered to call a few places down there and put in a good word for her, but as you can imagine she wasn't too keen on that idea."

"I told you." I laughed, shaking my head. "It's the reason I didn't say anything to you, she's stubborn as hell."

"Well I managed to convince her to let me write her a letter of recommendation in addition to getting her to agree to list me as a reference instead of her immediate supervisor. She's going to do amazing things, of that I have no doubt."

My chest tightened a little hearing Dr. Masen speak that way about Bella, I was so fucking proud of my girl.

"I completely agree."

"Too bad you won't be here in February, we don't have a wedding scheduled this year, you two could've had the place to yourselves this year."

The moment the words left his mouth everything in my mind shifted and became crystal clear.

"So I could rent it if I wanted?" My voice shook as I asked, my palms clammy.

He looked at me in confusion. "But aren't you leaving after the first of the year?"

"I am, but I'm flying back in February so I can help Bella pack up the rest of her things and then we'll fly out together."

"But her last day isn't until the end of February." he pointed out. "Are you going to fly here twice in February?"

I knew there was no way I'd be able to fly to Seattle twice, forget the costs, I doubt the FBI would be too keen on me asking time off after working less than two months.

"Okay." I drew in a deep breath, my mind racing as I tried to work out a million details and convince him to let Bella leave two weeks early, if she wanted to that is. "Hypothetically speaking, if you were given, say, a month and a half notice that Bella may leave mid February versus the end of February how big of a deal would that be?"

"And in this hypothetical situation," he grinned, "you would be flying here for Valentine's Day and renting the aquarium?"

"Absolutely." I nodded, "Hypothetically― of course."

"Of course." He laughed. He reached up and scratched his chin, a thoughtful expression taking over his features. "Well with that kind of notice, I suppose any projects I really needed her to do could be shifted around and done sooner rather than later."

"Yeah?" I tried to act calm, but my entire body was vibrating with nerves and excitement.

"Yeah, Edward. For you and Bella, I think we can work something out."

"Thank you, Dr. Masen. I can't tell you what this means to me."

"I'll block the place off for the day. You get in touch with me about any details you need help with, okay?"

"Yes, sir. You can count on it."

"Count on what?" Bella asked causing us both to startle.

"Count on my getting you back from lunch on time." I lied, smiling a little too widely.

She narrowed her eyes as she flicked her gaze between the two of us. "You're lying."

I nodded and grinned, pulling her against my side and walking towards the door. "Yup. I'm completely full of shit."

I looked over my shoulder to Dr. Masen who was chuckling quietly, his smile hidden behind his fist. "I'll be in touch soon." I called as I pushed open the front door.

"Are you going to tell me what that was all about?" She tried to look annoyed, but I was pretty sure she was far too amused by the stupid smile on my face to pull it off.

"Not even a hint."

"I could make you, you know?" She smirked, pinching my side.

"You could," I agreed, "but you'd hate yourself for it later."

She studied me for a second, obviously trying to gauge how serious I was, before rolling her eyes and sliding her arm behind me.

"Fine. I'll let it go, for now."

"Thank you." I leaned over and kissed her temple before changing the subject, not wanting to give her the opportunity to change her mind.

"So what are your plans for Christmas?" I asked after we'd been seated and ordered our lunch.

"I'm going with you to Forks." She stated her voice raising at the end in a way that made it sound more like a question.

"That's what I'd hoped, but we really haven't discussed it. And I know you're gonna want to spend time with Charlie, Alice, and Jasper. I just wasn't sure..."

"Of course I want to spend time with them." She reached over the table and wove her fingers through mine. "But I'm not willing to be apart from you one second more than necessary until you leave. I'll have plenty of time to mope around them after you leave."

"I don't want to be apart from you either."

"Why does this time feel harder than the other times you left?" She swallowed hard and tightened her fingers around mine, her eyes watering slightly.

"I know," I whispered, sliding my chair around the table until I was sitting directly in front of her. "C'mere baby." I reached up and smoothed my thumb over her cheek, pulling her face closer to mine. "It's because we know what we want now, and waiting to have it fucking sucks."

I pressed my lips to hers and kissed her softly before twisting my neck until my lips brushed against her ear. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

Once our lunch arrived, instead of focusing on being apart, we talked about all of the things we'd do once she was in Hawaii with me. The places we wanted to go and the things we wanted to see, and how nervous and excited we were about living there.

Needless to say, she was a little late getting back to work.

The next few days came and went in the blink of an eye. We drove down to Forks on Christmas Eve and spent the evening alone with my parents while Rose and Em visited with her family.

We caught up on all the small town gossip and I suffered through Mom flipping through old family albums while Bella laughed beside her. I'd tried to convince her to put them away, but after the third time she started going on about how this was the last time she'd see either of us in who knew how long I gave up and let her have her way.

Well, that and she'd started to get a little emotional, of course that could've had more to do with her fourth glass of eggnog.

When I'd finally stolen Bella away we climbed the stairs to my room and I did all of the dirty things I'd been dying to do to her all day.

The next morning I received my traditional early morning pounce from Rose, except this time Bella joined in on the festivities.

I gave Bella the flower charm, but kept the other present tucked away in my room. I wanted to give it to her when it was just the two of us so I could tell her what it meant, then show her how much I meant it.

When it came time for Bella to give me my gift she'd scooted over to me and smiled before handing me a small box wrapped in white paper. I ripped it open, surprised to find the exact watch I'd looked at a few weeks ago when we'd been shopping for her dad― except she had the back engraved with _'we'll never lose time again'. _

It had been the perfect Christmas morning, the one I'd wished for last year without even realizing it. One I almost never had the chance to experience, but now that I had, I never planned to be without again.

Leaving for Seattle a few days later had been hard on everyone, even though no one said it we all knew this could be the last time we were all together like this for a very long time. As much as we would promise to come back often, sometimes everyday life gets in the way and it's just not possible.

Instead of doing anything big for New Year's Eve we opted to stay in with Rose and Em and watch old movies until the clock struck twelve and we went our separate ways to celebrate on our own.

In the early morning hours of January second I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling with Bella pulled tight against my side. In a few short hours I'd be boarding a plane and leaving all of the people I loved behind.

I flexed my arm, squeezing her to my side before sliding it from around her and moving my hands to the bottom of her shirt. I pushed it up her sides, kissing each new area of exposed skin as I did.

"Edward." she mumbled, raising up so I could pull the shirt over her head and throw it to the floor.

I kissed her neck, moving my hand moved to her underwear, my fingers hooking in the sides and pushing them down when she lifted her hips.

"It's almost time isn't it?" Her voice was thick and heavy with sleep, but her body was wide awake as she shoved my boxers down until nothing remained between us.

"Yeah." I whispered, lowering my hand and dipping my fingers inside of her.

"I'm going to miss you so fucking much."She moaned, weaving her fingers into my hair and pressing her face into my neck, her breaths coming out in choppy pants. "I need to feel you."

"Okay." I circled my arms around her and pushed inside, losing myself in her, in us, and the way she fit me so fucking perfectly.

I moved with her, rocking our bodies together―following her whispered pleas of harder, slower, and right there's until we fell over the edge together, savoring every second of our remaining time together. We clung to each other until the beeping of the alarm clock could no longer be ignored.

Several hours later after saying my goodbyes to Emmett and Rose, Bella and I stood in the airport, not willing to part a minute sooner than necessary. I cupped her face and brushed away the tears rolling down her cheeks before touching my lips to hers.

"Please don't cry, baby."

"I know I'm being ridiculous." She sniffed. "I just wish I would've said screw everything so I could be getting on this plane with you and going to our new home together."

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the box I'd grabbed off my dresser before running out the door earlier, the box that had Bella's other present.

"I'd wanted to give this to you earlier, but I got a bit distracted." I joked, pushing it into her hand.

"What is it?"

"It was supposed to be a Christmas present, but I didn't want to give it to you in front of my family, I wanted us alone. And while this isn't exactly alone," I pointed out, motioning to all of the people around us. "There's no way I can wait until I come back."

She ripped the paper away and opened the top, a small smile on her face as she lifted the flat silver charm from the box. It was a simple charm in the shape of a small house with an inscription carved into it.

"C'mere." I grabbed her hand and walked a few steps back until we were against the wall near the bathrooms. It wasn't private by any means, but we were at least out of the flow of traffic.

I pulled the charm from her hand and lifted her wrist so that I could attach it to her bracelet.

"What does it say?" she asked, brushing her fingers over the words '_Mau Loa'._

"That's how Hawaiians say forever." I slid my arms around her waist and pulled her between my legs, pressing my back to the wall and bending my knees slightly until we were eye level. "Bella, that place I'm going to in Hawaii isn't home― not until you're there. Because wherever you are, _that_ is where my home is, forever."

She let out a strangled laugh before throwing her arms around me and attaching her mouth to mine. Our kiss was hard, demanding, and needy as we fought to pour every bit of the emotions we felt into each other.

We pulled away breathless and aching, my heart bottoming out when my flight was called over the intercom to begin boarding.

I dropped my head to her shoulder and squeezed, holding her as close as possible. "I love you. I'll call you as soon as I land."

"Okay," she mumbled against my neck before dropping her arms and shifting away slightly. "I love you, too."

"I gotta go." I whispered once they called my flight over the intercom a second time.

"Be safe."

"I will." I promised.

I pushed off the wall and turned toward my gate. I walked about ten steps when I heard her yell my name. I spun around, walking backwards as I yelled back to her. "Yeah?"

"I still say if this FBI thing doesn't work out you could make a fortune on greeting cards." She laughed twisting her wrist back and forth and pointing at her bracelet.

"Such a smartass." I mouthed grinning at her.

She smiled and nodded proudly, not the least bit bothered as she waved goodbye.

Once I settled into my seat I closed my eyes and tried not to think about her still standing in the airport. Instead I reminded myself that next time I boarded a plane to Hawaii she'd be with me, and hopefully sooner than she planned.

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><p><strong>AN**

**Late update is late. Sorry guys, RL has been quite the pest and I just wasn't able to get in the head space to write.**

**Thanks to the lovely Darcy's Mom for her rec over on TwiGirlsNxtDoor, she did an amazing job, thank you so much, bb.**

**Cejsmom beta'd this bad boy with the quickness, thank you for always jumping right in!**

**And my pre readers, oh my pre readers, thank you to the heavens and back for putting up with my bitching and moaning and my _OMG I hate all the things_ attitude while I wrote this chapter. Y'all are awesomesauce.**

**Also I want to thank MaxandMo because of her help with all things FBI! The job Edward got was a legit position in his field on the FBI's website!**

**I've started the next chapter and HOPE to get it out in a few days but my dear friend Julie is flying in today and my birthday is Thursday so there will be lots of shenanigans afoot. My goal is to not have drunk conversations on twitter...with myself. Cause yeah, I've been known to do that. Sober. ANYWAY, more soon! Thanks for reading! **


	27. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p><em> Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable, the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable. Have the patience, wait it out. It's all about timing. ~Stacey Charter<em>

**Chapter Twenty Six**

_January 2012_

I fell onto the sofa and downed my third glass of water. Sweat gathered at my hairline and slid down my face as I sucked in a deep breath of cool air conditioned air.

When I found out I was moving to Hawaii a million thoughts ran through my head, but one thing I failed to consider was how fucking hot it was.

Even in January, the heat was almost more than I could stand. Growing up in the Northwest had left me severely unprepared for this kind of weather, not to mention every piece of clothing I owned was basically useless.

When I'd complained to Bella, she'd laughed and said I'd never be able to handle the heat in Phoenix―I didn't disagree.

Aside from the heat and missing the fuck out of my girl, Hawaii and my new job were everything I'd hoped for. My first couple of days were filled with introductions, tours of the office and of course more fucking paperwork. It kept me busy though, which made the time pass quickly―at least until I walked through the door of our empty apartment each night.

When the landlord had given me the keys the day I arrived I thought he sent me to the wrong place. Boxes were stacked everywhere, furniture shoved into each room awkwardly, all crammed together in a way that made it nearly impossible to move. I'd started to back out of the doorway and walk down to the office when a box in front of the sofa caught my eye.

Written across the side was '_where the magic happens_' in Bella's handwriting. My mouth had dropped open as I looked at all of the shit I'd have to organize and unpack by myself. It was then I realized why Bella was not the least bit upset about missing this part of the move.

I scowled at the two boxes by the front door that arrived earlier today. Bella had decided to start shipping things she wouldn't need at her apartment so she wouldn't have as much to deal with all at once. One of them was labeled 'bathroom' and there was no fucking way I was unpacking that shit.

Of course then I wondered why she would send a box full of bathroom stuff down here, because wouldn't she need that? Maybe it was her way of keeping me out knowing I wouldn't touch it if I thought there would be tampons inside.

I huffed out a breath as I pushed myself up from the couch and crossed the room. I stooped down, lifting the boxes and carrying them to the guest bedroom and dumping them on the spare bed.

I'd set up all of the furniture where I thought it would go, but from the sounds of Bella's tsks and hums I had a feeling I'd be rearranging everything all over again once she got here.

God, I couldn't wait for her to get here. I missed her so fucking much, even though things were different than the last time we were apart, the extra distance seemed to make the separation harder.

I threw my phone on the bed and grabbed a change of clothes, hoping a shower and some food would shake off the sudden weight of longing settling on my shoulders.

Bella called earlier and told me she was driving back from hanging out with Charlie and then crashing so I knew I wouldn't talk to her again tonight. It was still an adjustment for me to adapt to the three hour time difference.

After I'd showered and made a sandwich I laid across my bed, debating if it was too late to send her a text. I flipped on the bedside table lamp, my notebook catching my eye. On the top page was a list of all the things I needed to have organized before heading back to Seattle in February―two weeks earlier than Bella expected.

I flipped over to a clean sheet of paper and settled in bed, if I couldn't talk to her, and I couldn't text her, then I could always write to her.

_January 9, 2012_

_Bella,_

_Your boxes arrived today. I was kind of excited to unpack a few of your things just to feel more of you here―that is until I noticed they were labeled 'bathroom'. You know I'm not unpacking boxes labeled bathroom, right? They'll be waiting for you in the guest room. _

_I managed to get out of the office for a little while today. A couple of the guys from work took me out for lunch. We went to this little dive bar close to the beach, and as beautiful as it was― I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it because you weren't there with me._

_I know that may sound stupid, but this will be our first home together and I want all my firsts to be with you._

_I want my arm wrapped around your waist the first time I step onto the beach. I want to swim in the ocean at night and feel your warm, wet skin slide against mine. I want to fall into our bed together at night and pull you close, knowing I get to do the same thing the next night and each night after that. And then I want to do it all over again._

_I love you and I miss you._

_Edward_

"Your brother is being weird." Bella complained, her voice tinged with annoyance.

"He's always weird." I reminded her, rolling my eyes. I should have known telling Emmett to play it cool was as likely to happen as a dog listening when you tell it not to piss on a fire hydrant.

"Yeah, but more so than normal."

I sighed as I scanned over my to-do list. I'd put off telling Emmett about my plans for this exact reason―but it was already the third week of January and I needed his help.

"How so?" I asked, crossing through the stuff I'd managed to take care of over the last couple of days.

"He's being so pushy." she grumbled. "He showed up here with Rose before eight o'clock this morning telling me they were here to help me pack. It's Sunday, Edward, that is not okay." By the time she finished ranting her voice had risen about three octaves and I imagined her arm was waving around in the air, completely exasperated.

I coughed to cover the chuckle I couldn't hold back. When I told Emmett―after his initial stunned silence―he was on board for whatever I needed. Unfortunately for Bella, what I needed was for him to pack as much of her things as he could by Valentine's Day.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"Of course not, baby." I lied, my muscles straining from the effort to keep from laughing again.

"Don't 'baby' me. You're totally laughing. I'll just tell him I can pack my own stuff, I have plenty of time."

_Shit._

"C'mon, Bella," I reasoned, "he feels like he's helping me by helping you. I'll talk to him okay?" That wasn't a lie, he really was helping me, and if she gave his ass the boot because he was getting on her nerves I'd never be able to pull this off.

She hesitated for a second before blowing out a breath. "Fine, but if he shows up here that early again―blood will be spilled."

_January 21, 2012_

_Bella,_

_I dreamed about you last night, not that I don't most nights, but this time, it was so real I reached across the bed to pull you against me. And when you weren't there― I felt completely lost and alone. It's ridiculous, because for most of my life I've fallen asleep and woken alone. _

_But now I know what it's like to see your sleepy smile peeking up at me from under the pillow. I know how your arm feels draped over my stomach and your cheek against my chest as you tangle your legs with mine. I know what it feels like to wrap my arms around my entire world and feel our hearts beat as one._

_I miss you so much some days it takes everything I have not to jump on the next flight out of here. I know we're getting closer to the end of our time apart, I know even though I miss you more with every day that passes it's one less keeping us apart. I know all of this, but it doesn't stop me from wanting you here now any less._

_I love you,_

_Edward_

I pushed away from the table and walked to the front door, shoving the letter in an envelope to drop it in the mail on my way out of the building.

I jogged down the stairs trying to expel some of the nervous energy buzzing through me. I wasn't sure if I was jumpy because of the dream, what I was on my way to do, or a combination of the two, but I was completely on edge.

I crossed the street and flagged down a cab, leaning my head against the back seat and closing my eyes after telling the driver to take me to Ala Moana Center. What I didn't tell him, what had my heart slamming against my chest, were the places I planned on shopping. Stores like Bvlgari...and Harry Winston.

I climbed out of the cab, wishing not for the first time that Rose or my mom were here to help me. Hell at this point I'd even take my chances with Alice if it meant I wouldn't screw this up.

Bella, she was―she was everything to me. How in the hell was I supposed to find a piece of jewelry that would ever express that to her? I shook my head in frustration and opened the door to Bvlgari, the cool air a welcome relief to my overheated skin.

Much like the store I bought Bella's charms from in Seattle the saleslady was overly helpful and slightly annoying. After scanning the rings in the glass case, even requesting to see a few, I knew I wouldn't find what I was looking for here. Not that I had any idea exactly _what _I was looking for, but I knew it wasn't here.

After walking in and out of two more stores I began to wonder if I'd feel like any ring was good enough for her. That is until I stepped up to the counter at Harry Winston's.

"Can I help you?" An older sales clerk asked, a sly smile on his face like he knew exactly why I was here.

"Um, yeah. Yes." I cleared my throat and moved my hand over the glass case until it hovered over the ring I wanted. "Can I see that ring please?"

"Of course." My fingers tapped against my leg while I waited for him to unlock the case and pull the ring out. "Here you go."

I pulled the ring gently from his fingers, turning and twisting it around while he rattled off things about micropavé, cushion-cut diamond, two and a half carats, clarity, and color. I wasn't really listening though because I knew everything I needed to know already.

One―it was a Harry Winston engagement ring which meant my trust fund was about to take a massive hit. And two―there was no way I was leaving here without it, because this was Bella's ring.

An hour later and my trust fund considerably lighter, I walked out of Harry Winston's with the ring I hoped to have on Bella's finger in a little over three weeks.

After dropping her ring off at the apartment I did what I'd been doing every Saturday since I'd called Agent Cheney and asked for a couple of days off after only being employed a little over a month―I went to work.

At first he told me no flat out, but after I explained my reasons for wanting the time off he compromised. All I had to do was work the exact number of hours that I was requesting off, before I left.

Needless to say, I clocked as many weekend hours as possible. I hoped to build up at least three days off, having no doubt I would need every bit of it to get Bella all set to come back with me.

After a call to Dr. Masen confirming he'd gotten my email and everything would be taken care of with the caterers and any other detail he'd offered to handle, I dove into another Saturday afternoon of work.

_February 6, 2012_

_You sounded so sad tonight. I would have given anything to be there with you, to have met your mom. It was really nice of Alice to throw you a going away party and surprise you by flying your mom up._

_Don't be upset with her because she didn't wait until I was there, you said yourself that this was the only time she could make it. Besides, I'll have all the time in the world to meet her, because in case you forgot, I'm not going anywhere―ever._

_We can always fly her down here, or we can go visit her, because you should know by now that I'd go anywhere, do anything, to make you smile. _

_I always want you to he happy, to know you're loved, to know that as long as I am breathing― there is at least one person whose entire world is centered on giving you everything you deserve. _

_And baby, you deserve everything._

_I love you,_

_Edward_

I tried not to let it bother me that Alice had planned a huge going away party for Bella the weekend before I returned to Seattle. Charlie had told me beforehand what was planned, and that Renee couldn't come the following weekend because she and her husband were going on a cruise.

Still, a part of me wondered if it would have made a difference either way. I'd had to talk to Bella for over three hours after her mom left to calm her down. She'd insisted that Alice could have done it later in the month―after her mother returned. What she didn't understand was if everything worked out the way I hoped, she wouldn't be there by the end of this week.

I'd taken a leap of faith and booked us both return flights to Hawaii a couple of days after Valentine's Day, hoping when I boarded the plane home again, she would be with me―as my fiancé.

The morning of my flight was nothing short of a clusterfuck. I overslept, had to make the cab driver return to my apartment after realizing I'd left my wallet, and almost walked out of the door without the most important item I was taking―Bella's ring.

After hauling ass through baggage check and standing in line through security I was finally moving toward my gate. I cursed when my phone vibrated in my pocket. I knew without looking it was Bella. Normally I'd be getting ready for my run before work, not shuffling through the airport. There was no way I could answer now with flight after flight being called for boarding over the intercom system.

After I checked in I ducked into the closest bathroom, pulled up her name, and pressed send. I rubbed my sweaty hand up and down my thigh and took a deep breath as I waited for her to answer.

I shook my head and huffed out a laugh as I thought about how ridiculous I was acting. I could handle blood, gore and a million other things that terrify most people, but I sweat like a fucking sixteen year-old boy getting to third base when I talked to Bella.

"Hey."

"Why me, Edward? Huh? Why me?" She blurted into the phone as soon as I answered.

"Uh-"

"Seriously. There are plenty of people who work here that would be much more qualified than me, but no, I'm the poor pitiful girl whose boyfriend is all the way in Hawaii so there's no way she'll have plans for Valentine's Day, we'll make her do it." She ranted, her voice sad and angry at the same time.

I swallowed thickly and licked my lips. I was guessing Dr. Masen had told Bella she'd be working tonight.

"You wanna take a deep breath and tell me exactly what's got you so worked up?"

She growled angrily, her frustration leaking through the phone. "Apparently," she spat," some asshole rented out the aquarium at the last minute and has requested a personal tour of all the exhibits. Not only have I been asked to do the tour, but I also have to wear a fancy dress because the guests will be wearing cocktail attire." She said the words cocktail attire with such disgust I wouldn't have been surprised if she started making gagging noises into the phone.

"I'm sorry." I offered, not the least bit sorry.

"I just-" she sighed. "I just really wanted to stay home tonight and talk to you until I fell asleep. I know this may sound selfish, but the last thing I want to do is be at the place where we spent one of the best nights of my life watching someone else have it."

I cleared my throat and tried to push down the lump forming in my throat. This last month and a half had been hell without her, but I was comforted in the fact I would be seeing her in about twelve hours―she still thought we had more than two weeks.

"I understand," I assured her. And I did understand, the thought of being stuck at the aquarium on Valentine's Day giving a tour to another couple was almost painful. Luckily for both of us, she wouldn't have to feel that way for very long. "But you know you can call me as soon as you're done, we can still talk until we fall asleep." We would definitely be falling asleep together.

"I know." She was quiet for a second before whispering her next words. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you too, baby."

"Ugh, and now I have to find a dress at the last minute since I've already packed up all the clothes I didn't plan on wearing."

I smiled at that, she'd just given me the perfect opening for the next part of my plan. "Why don't you give Rose a call, I'm sure she has something you can borrow, It'd be a lot easier than digging through all of your boxes."

I actually knew for a fact that Rose had a dress she could borrow since she'd gone out and bought one specifically for Bella last week.

"Yeah, that would be easier."

The line was quiet for a bit before I spoke. "We don't have much longer Bella, you'll see me before you know it."

"I doubt that." she sighed. "Okay, I'm going to give Rose a call, I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah. I love you."

"Me too."

I ended the call and slumped against the wall. I hated hearing her sound so depressed, but if everything went according to plan it would all be worth it.

I somehow ended up sleeping most of the flight, so when I landed I felt rested enough to deal with Emmett when he strolled over and crushed me into a bear hug.

"Jesus Christ, Emmett." I gasped, breaking his hold and stepping back. "You trying to break a rib or something?"

"Ah what's the matter, you're not going soft are you?" he laughed.

"That's what she said." Rose piped up, stepped around Emmett and giving me a normal, not trying to break your bones hug.

"Man," I sighed, throwing an arm around both of them, "I didn't miss you guys at all."

Before I even finished Rose had her bony ass elbow jammed in my side. "Ugh, I thought you weren't supposed to be an asshole anymore."

I smirked at her and shrugged. "Imagine how boring it would be if I wasn't being an ass and you weren't cussing me out for it?"

She glared at me for a second before rolling her eyes and smiling. "True."

"Well if you two are about done, we better get going, you don't have a whole lot of time." Emmett cut in, sweeping his arm in front of us to get moving.

"Fine." I nodded, hoisting my bag over my shoulder. It was already past four so I had less than three hours to get to Em and Rose's place, shower, change, and get to the aquarium.

Yeah, I couldn't possibly have cut this surprise trip any closer. But by the time I finally got the approval to take off work, an early morning flight on Valentine's Day was the best I could do.

"Did you get Bella all taken care of?" I asked as we pulled away from the airport.

Rose shuddered dramatically before turning to face me. "She is so mad, Edward. The last thing she wants is be there tonight. When she finds out you were the one who set all of this up...well let's just say any question about her feelings for you will be answered if you walk out of there tonight unharmed."

"She's not kidding man. When Bella stopped by the apartment on her lunch break―well, I got the hell out of there." Emmett added, like I wasn't starting to freak the fuck out enough. I didn't need his two cents.

"Okay, I get it. I'm freaking out enough, I don't need you guys making it worse." I dragged my hand down my face and pinched my eyes shut, concentrating on the fact that in a few short hours I would see Bella.

"She's gonna say yes," Rose whispered as she turned to face me, a small smile on her face. "You know that right?"

I nodded, but still, there was this tiny part of me that wasn't nearly as sure as I acted. The part that remembered the shitty things I'd done to her―remembered almost losing her, the part of me that knew she was too good for me but was too selfish to accept a life without her.

The rest of the ride to their place I lost myself in memories. I blocked out all of the negative and focused instead on things like how she'd flown to Virginia, said she loved me―how she promised her future was with me.

By the time we reached their apartment I had about an hour and a half to take care of a few last minute details, before getting myself ready and heading over to the aquarium.

I pulled my grey suit and a light blue button down out and passed them off to Rose, because she swore they needed to be pressed, before jumping in the shower. By the time I had showered and shaved, all of my clothes were laid out on the bed looking like they'd come straight from the dry cleaners.

Each piece of clothing I tugged on, zipped and buttoned caused my nerves to spike. I combed my fingers through my hair and straighten the front of my jacket before sliding the small box into my pocket and smoothing my hand over the fabric.

"I can't believe you're really doing this."

I lifted my eyes to the mirror seeing Rose's smiling face in the reflection. I turned toward her and swept my arms out.

"How do I look?"

She laughed and shook her head. "You look great."

"Great? That's all I get? Damn." I joked, shaking my head sadly.

"Fine, you look good enough that if I wasn't dating your brother and you weren't about to ask one of my best friends to marry you then I'd probably throw myself at you like a fangirl at a Justin Bieber concert."

"Damn straight. That's more like it."

"Ugh. That is until you opened your mouth and started with your cocky trash talk." She rolled her eyes and smacked my shoulder as I walked over to her.

"Well let's hope that isn't the reaction Bella has."

"No way. She loves your bullshit the same way I love Emmett's. She's your person, I'm so happy for you guys." She sniffed and wiped under her eye as she shrugged.

"Thanks, Rose. You're the best sister I never asked for."

"Shut up!" she choked out laughing, while she shoved me out into the hall. "Now go put Bella out of her misery."

My heart sped up as I nodded and moved to the door. "Wish me luck?"

"You don't need it."

I grinned and waved goodbye as I closed the door behind me. I fisted Emmett's keys, taking the steps two at a time, as nervous as I was about tonight, my need to see my girl was greater.

I pulled around to the side of the building and walked to the front door where I was greeted by a smiling Felix.

"Hey man. Good to see you again." He reached out and shook my hand, his smile still in place.

"You too," I grinned. "Where is she?" I scanned the room, thinking how much it would suck if she walked out here right now.

He chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. "Last time I saw her, she was heading into the bathroom mumbling something about electric eels and pretentious assholes."

I laughed before clamping a hand over my mouth and coughing. "Shit. I take it she's still a little pissed about the private tour then?"

"Pissed would be a bit of an understatement."

"Of course it would. Did the caterers get everything set up?"

"Yeah, they left about twenty minutes ago. Dr. Masen told Bella to meet the guests out here, so you better get a move on. When she gets here I'll tell her I didn't realize she was meeting them here and that I already showed them to the underwater dome."

"Okay, thanks man."

He nodded as I turned and hurried down the hall, not wanting to chance running into Bella. When I stepped through the doorway it was like I'd traveled back in time, everything was identical to how it looked when we were here last year―right down to the napkins.

I walked over to the railing and wrapped my fingers around it, gripping it tight enough for my knuckles to whiten. For the next several minutes I stood with my eyes closed and took deep, cleansing breaths―willing my nerves to calm.

"Excuse me, sir?" Her voice floated across the room and wrapped around me―pulling everything into focus. With one last deep breath I released the railing and shifted my weight as I slowly turned to face her.

My mouth went completely dry the moment my eyes locked with hers. Even with the lighting dimmed I could make out every single detail about her. Her hair was in a low ponytail pulled to the side and draped over her shoulder. Her red dress, so dark it almost appeared black, hugged her body in all of the right places. She was fucking perfect.

"Edward?" She gasped, her hand covering her mouth as the folder she held limply at her side slipped from her fingers sending papers flying everywhere.

"Hey." My voice was no more than a whisper, my throat clamped shut in a vice grip.

"What are you―when...oh my God." Her eyes widened as they swept over the room, no doubt remembering the familiar setting.

I swallowed thickly and crossed the room until I was standing directly in front of her.

"Surprise."

"No shit," she laughed as tears spilled down her cheeks. "Oh my God, you're really here."

I nodded and pulled her to me, unable to stand not touching her a second longer. "I've missed you so much." I murmured circling my arms around her waist.

"I don't know what's going on right now, but you can fill me in after you kiss me."

I didn't hesitate covering her mouth with mine, and when she wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed, I held her tighter. I kissed her until I couldn't breathe―until the last month and a half seemed like a figment of my imagination.

When she pulled away her eyes were glassy and her face was red, but her smile was nothing short of stunning.

"You have some serious explaining to do, stalker."

I laughed nervously and hooked my pinky around hers, pulling her toward the table. "Come sit with me?"

She nodded and followed, whispering a quiet thanks when I pulled out her chair.

"So what is all this?" She asked as soon as I sat in the chair across from her.

"Do you want to eat while I talk?" I pulled the silver dome from the plate smiling at the way her mouth dropped open as she looked at her food.

"It's the same." She whispered. "Everything is exactly the same."

"Not everything." I murmured, moving the domes to the side table and sliding my hand across the table until my fingers brushed across the silver charm bracelet on her wrist. "You look beautiful, by the way."

"Thanks, you don't look so bad yourself." She grabbed a fork and speared a potato, waving it around in the air. "Okay, this is me eating, now you," she pointed her fork at me, "start talking."

"Remember the day I stopped by to take you to lunch a couple of weeks before I left?"

"Yeah." She drawled her brows pulled down.

"And I was talking to Dr. Masen?" She nodded so I continued. "Well he happened to mention how it was a shame I wouldn't be here for Valentine's Day since the place wasn't rented out this year. He said we could've had it to ourselves, and I got to thinking how much it was going to suck not spending Valentine's Day with you."

"So you came back and did all of this just to spend Valentine's Day with me?" She asked, her voice colored with disbelief. "And what about the private tour and everything else?"

"Hush woman," I scolded, smiling at the way she narrowed her eyes. "I'm trying to tell you something here."

"Okay, fine." She scooped another bite of food into her mouth and raised her brow mockingly, and a playful smile on her lips.

I huffed a laugh and shook my head, I should have known she wasn't going to make this easy.

"I might've had some help pulling tonight together. Like Dr. Masen making sure you were here tonight, and Rose having the perfect dress for you to borrow, not to mention the caterers." I added with a grin.

"I love it, I really do. But Edward, you didn't have to do all of this for Valentine's Day." She insisted, squeezing my hand. "In two weeks we'll be together for good."

I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat, running my free hand over the top of my thigh. It was time to man up and let her know what tonight was really about.

"I'm kind of hoping you're flexible on that." I muttered, reaching inside of my pocket and fisting the box in my hand.

"What?"

"I don't want to wait two weeks. I want you with me now, no more wasted time, remember?"

I lifted my hand from hers and twisted my wrist so the face of my watch peeked out front under my suit jacket.

"Do you remember the story I told you about the old man I met when I was sixteen? How I was blown away by the way he talked about his life?"

"Edward, what-"

I held up my hand and shook my head, whispering a quiet please before continuing. "I told you if I could feel even an ounce of the happiness and passion about my life that he did then I'd be a happy man." I lifted the box from under the table as I pushed up from my chair and moved around the table until I was standing in front of her.

"I've got so much more than that, baby." I dropped to my knees, my hands shaking and sweaty, my vision blurring as I tried to choke back the lump lodged in my throat. "I have everything, because you've given it to me."

I reached for her face and brushed away the tears sliding down her cheek. "Please don't cry." I whispered.

She smiled, a sob catching in the back of her throat as she nodded.

"When I see your face, hear your voice, touch your skin, I know, _I know_ I have everything he spoke of. Because you make my heart pound and my pulse race, Bella, you make me feel alive. When I thought about not being here for Valentine's Day I felt robbed, because the most important thing in my life was being taken from me―time. Time with you."

I pulled in a deep breath and opened the box as I locked my eyes with hers. "Wasting the time I have with you now―knowing forever doesn't even come close to being enough―it would be one of the biggest mistakes of my life."

"Ed-" she choked, her voice breaking. Her eyes widened as the fork slipped from her fingers, landing softly on the thick tablecloth next to her plate.

I pulled the ring from the box and wrapped my free hand around hers. "You're my best friend, my missing piece. You're _my_ great love, the one I'll love as much when I'm eighty as I do right now. You're everything I'll ever want―so I'm begging you―let me love you for the rest of my life as your husband. Marry me Bella, be my wife."

"There's nothing I want more." Tears leaked from her eyes as she slid from her chair and fell to her knees in front of me, lifting her hands until they pressed flat against either side of my face.

"I love you, Edward Cullen." She pulled my face down until our lips met, her nails scraping against my neck as she tried to pull us closer. The kiss was soft pulls of lips, gentle nips of teeth, and easy rolls of tongues as we pushed our bodies closer together―lost in the sensation of each other, of how we were together.

"Edward," she murmured, biting softly on my lower lip.

I hummed in response, not wanting to separate my lips from hers for even a second. She however, had other ideas as she pulled back enough to look me in the eye.

"I'd like my ring now," she grinned, her eyes darting to my hand and back up, a rare shy smile lighting her face.

I chuckled and grasped her hand, pulling it between us. "Of course." I slipped the ring onto her finger, loving the way she gasped when she held her hand in front of her face.

"Oh my God, Edward, it's perfect. I love it. I love you."

"I love you, too." I rose to my feet, grasping her hand and pulling her with me. "Do you want to eat now?" I looked over at the half eaten food, and as nice as everything looked there was nothing I wanted more than to strip her out of that dress and touch every inch of her body with my lips.

She shook her head and started walking toward the exit, her face serious. "I just want to be with you. I want to feel your skin against mine. I want your hands on me."

I licked my lips as my breathing picked up, and my eyes became heavy. "Yeah, that sounds about fucking perfect."

Less than an hour later we stumbled into her apartment, discarding clothes and pressing lips to skin as we fell into one another, I didn't even bother to comment on the lone air mattress occupying her empty bedroom.

The next morning I woke feeling disoriented as my eyes drifted over the room's bare walls. I caught a glimmer of light and shifted my gaze to my chest where Bella's hand moved slightly from side to side.

Everything came rushing back to me all at once. The flight, the surprise, the way she looked last night, and when she agreed to marry me. She hadn't noticed yet that I was awake, her eyes trained on her ring as she twisted her hand in different angles causing prisms of light to reflect around the room.

"Do you like it?" I whispered, my voice still thick with sleep.

She smiled widely, her gaze still fixed on the ring before slowing dragging her eyes to meet mine. "It's perfect."

She pushed forward, bringing her mouth to mine and kissing my lips softly. "Good morning."

"Morning."

"We have a lot to talk about." Her brows pulled down, a small frown appearing on her face.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I sat up until my back was flat against the wall and pulled her with me, tucking her into my side.

"I just―I don't...how long can you stay?" Her voice was barely a whisper, but it still managed to break at the end.

"I have to work Friday, so we'll have to fly out of here on Thursday for me to make it back in time." I pulled my fingers through her hair slowly, waiting to see if she'd caught what I'd said.

"We?"

She caught it.

"Yeah, we."

"But I can't leave on Thursday, I have to work, and I still need to finish packing..." she trailed off, her gaze sweeping across the room, obviously realizing there was hardly anything left to pack.

"I think," she started, her eyes narrowing slightly, "that we should probably get dressed and grab some food. I have a feeling there's a lot things you still have to tell me."

I nodded and pulled us both up. "Yeah, there is. Let's get some food."

Once showered and dressed we walked to a bagel shop down the road from her place, grabbing a table in the back corner.

Food and coffee in hand I explained everything I'd been up to since before I left for Hawaii. Starting with my first conversation with Dr. Masen and ending with me waiting for her in the aquarium.

"My God." she breathed, her eyes wide. "It's all makes so much sense now. Dr. Masen rearranging my schedule, Emmett driving me batshit crazy, Rose having a dress for me that wasn't even her size. All of it."

"It's also why your mom was here last weekend and not after her cruise. Alice wasn't trying to exclude me, she just knew you'd be gone already."

"Did _everyone_ know your plans?" The look of disbelief on her face was priceless.

"How else was I supposed to pull all of this off." I laughed, snatching a piece of her bagel and popping it in my mouth.

She looked down at her empty hand then back at me, her eyebrow raised. Without breaking her stare she reached across the table and slid my napkin with the rest of my bagel on it to her side of the table. "Obviously jet lag has affected your brain, because stealing my food is never okay."

"Hey." I protested, realizing the bite I stole from her was going to cost me an entire half of my bagel.

"Yum," she moaned exaggeratedly, shoving a huge chunk in her mouth. "So good."

Suddenly I could give a shit about that bagel, I'd buy her every one in the store if she kept on talking like that.

"Edward!" She hissed, smacking her palm flat on the table and causing me to jump.

"What?"

"Stop looking at me like that. One night together in six weeks is not nearly enough to keep me from crawling over this table and doing indecent things to you."

My eyes widened slightly before a smirk pulled at the corner of my mouth. I leaned back in the booth and stretched my arms out wide, draping them across the top. "I'm having a little trouble figuring out exactly what the problem is here, Bella. By all means, please, be indecent."

A mischievous smile spread across her face at the same time her foot began inching up my leg. "Maybe I will. Maybe I'll crawl under the table instead of over it." Her voice was soft, breathless, teasing. "Maybe I'll tug your zipper down with my teeth, let my hand slip inside your jeans before wrapping my fingers around your cock and squeezing."

"Bella," I warned, my words choked by short, choppy breaths.

She dropped her foot from my leg and scooted closer to the table, leaning forward until she was practically on my side. "Maybe...I want to flick my tongue-"

"Can I get this trash out of the way for you folks?"

I squeezed my eyes shut and let my head fall against the back of the booth with a groan. Bella jerked back in her seat, and I swear she giggled as the elderly man grabbed our used napkins and walked away.

"That was mean." I accused her without lifting my head or opening my eyes.

"I can make it up to you." She kicked her foot against my leg cause me to lift my head and peer over at her.

"We can't. We have somewhere to be in―" I looked at my watch and realized we were already late, "now."

"What? Wait, where do we have to be?"

"First, I need to know something." I replied, my tone serious.

"Okay."

"Do you plan on getting on that plane with me on Thursday?"

She sat quietly for a second, her eyes immediately dropping to her ring. "Have you really taken care of everything?"

"I have." I promised.

"Then there is nothing in this world that would keep me from boarding that plane with you."

I stood from the booth and moved to her side, grabbing her hand and pulling her to her feet. "Then we're going to hang out with all of our friends one last time before we leave Seattle together."

She licked her lips and nodded, her face reddening slightly before she whispered, "I'd like that."

As soon as we walked through the door of Em and Rose's apartment we were met with hugs, back slaps, and congratulations. Mom, Rose, and Alice oohed and ahhed over Bella's ring and her recount of my proposal while Dad, Charlie, Em, and Jasper rolled their eyes and offered indulgent smiles.

Eventually we moved to the kitchen to eat, sitting at the table and leaning against counters.

"You did good." Alice nodded, her gaze fixed in front of her as she leaned against the counter beside me.

"Thanks."

"And―well, welcome to the family."

"I'll take care of her Alice, I promise."

She looked directly in my eyes, her gaze intense as she stood motionless for several seconds before finally speaking. "I believe you."

"Thanks."

The rest of the evening passed in a blur. Mom cried and hugged us both, whispering in my ear how happy she was. Dad wrapped his arms around Mom and pulled her close before turning his attention to me.

"I'm proud of you son. You've worked hard for what you have, and you deserve all of the happiness it brings."

"Thanks, Dad."

"And you take care of that girl of yours," he added, his tone firm. "You're not too old for me to kick your ass if you step out of line."

"And don't forget about the lake." Charlie cut in, a smirk on his face.

"Or the guns." Jasper joked, patting Charlie on the arm.

"What's all this? Intimidate Edward Day? Emmett, you gonna get in on this action?" I called, turning my attention to him and away from the firing squad.

"Nah, I think these guys have everything covered, I'll just sit back and watch."

"Assholes," I muttered with a chuckle.

One by one our families filed out of the apartment, telling us they'd miss us and to take care of one another until it was just Em, Rose, Bella and I remaining.

After reminding them what time we needed to be at the airport, Bella and I went to her apartment for the last time. And for the second night in a row we spent most of the night making up for the last six weeks apart.

When morning came we worked non stop with all of the last minute details until Emmett and Rose showed up to take us to the airport.

"So you'll make sure the rest of the boxes are shipped and my keys are turned in by the end of the month, right?" Bella asked, again, as I lifted her bags out of the car.

"We'll take care of it, don't worry Bella." Emmett huffed with a smile. "You worry too much."

"Yeah, yeah."

"I'm going to miss you guys so fucking much." Rose cried throwing her arms around Bella and hugging her tight. They stayed that way for several minutes exchanging muffled words too soft for Em or I to hear as we said our goodbyes.

She finally stepped away from Bella and moved in front of me, wrapping her arms around my neck and kissing my cheek. "Be happy."

"We will." I smiled looking over at Bella who was hugging Emmett.

I walked over to them, grabbing her bag off the floor and hoisting it over my shoulder.

"Are you ready?" I asked, realizing we'd be cutting it close if we didn't get through security now.

She smiled widely and reached out her hand, twisting her pinky around mine. "Yeah."

"Then let's go home, baby." I whispered, tugging her hand and pulling her forward. Away from Seattle, and our lives here, and toward Hawaii, and our future there, together.

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><p><strong>AN**

**SOBBBSSS I kinda died a little when I finished this. I'll post the epilogue in about a week, but this is the last full chapter. I'll save all my rainbows and sunshine rays and flower petals till then.**

**Thanks to my pre readers who dealt with my crazy this week, and threatened bodily harm repeatedly. *side eyes luvrofink* Kelly and Julie- yeah. There are no words for how grateful I am that you put up with all my insanity while writing this chapter. Love you both hard.**

**cejsmom jumped on this mofo like a champ thank you so much for everything you do!**

**I will be submitting an outtake from BPOV of the day she meets Edward for Fandom For Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Be sure to check it out if you're interested. I will be randomly posting chapters from her POV on the outtakes story on my profile page. **

**See you guys in about a week! Love, love, love!**

**~Liv**


	28. Epilogue

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

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><p>"<em>Amidst the worldly comings and goings, observe how endings become beginnings." ~Laozi<em>

**Epilogue **

_August 2012_

"Hey, we have to get up." Bella whispered, combing her fingers through my hair and pushing it off my forehead.

I shook my head, not bothering to open my eyes as I responded. "Correction. You have to get up. I just have to get dressed and show up, that will take me half an hour― forty-five minutes if I decide to shave."

"I hate you so much right now." I lazily lifted my lids, taking in her narrowed eyes and bottom lip stuck out in a ridiculous pout.

"No you don't." I laughed, pulling her against me and biting her still protruding lip. "You love me."

"Fine. But I don't like you." She gave me a quick peck on the lips, before throwing back the covers and climbing out of bed.

I jerked upright before she could climb completely out of bed, grabbed the waistband of her panties and pulled her back on top of me.

"Hey!" she shrieked, her arms flying out to her sides as she tried to grab a hold of something.

I flipped us over, pinning her underneath me, my hands holding her wrists above her head as I pressed our bare chests together. "Where do you think you're going?"

"I have to meet Rose in less than an hour, do you really want to deal with her if I'm late?"

Shit. I didn't think about that. I didn't have the slightest interest in dealing with her today. Not today.

"Fine. Go do your girly shit." I kissed her lips, her jaw and down her neck, alternating between nips and licks as I moved my mouth over her skin.

She let out a deep sigh and arched her neck so I could have better access, her nails dragging through the back of my hair. I slid my hand down her side, my fingers already tugging at the top of her panties when my phone rang, and someone knocked on the front door.

"Ugh," Bella groaned, her now free hand covering her eyes.

"Shit." I flexed my hips right before the knocking started again.

I rolled off her and covered my face with a pillow, I knew better than to watch her walk across the room in just her underwear, the sight of her naked skin is what started this in the first place.

"Just a sec." she yelled, banging around in the bathroom doing God knows what. "Edward, answer the door."

I heaved a sigh and rolled out of bed, tugging on a t-shirt and basketball shorts before opening the front door.

"Is Bella ready?" Rose asked, looking around me.

"Good morning to you, too." I yawned, opening the door wider for her to come in.

"Yes, I'm ready." Bella walked into the room, her arms extended above her head while she finished pulling her hair into a ponytail.

"Sorry, Edward, but we have a busy day." Rose grabbed Bella's hand and smiled, tugging her toward the door. "Don't worry, you'll get her back in even better condition than she is now."

I grabbed Bella's other hand and pulled her to a stop. "Don't go making her look all crazy Rose, she's perfect the way she is." I kissed Bella's smiling lips, ignoring Rose's gagging sound.

"I'll see you later, okay?" she whispered, squeezing my hand.

"I'll be waiting."

After Bella and Rose took off, I jumped in the shower and grabbed some breakfast before calling Dad and Emmett to see what they wanted to do today. The girls would be busy most of the day, so I didn't really plan on seeing them until later tonight.

"I want to eat a pig." Emmett declared the moment he answered the phone.

I choked a little on the sip of water I'd just taken. "Okay, and what exactly are Dad and I going to do while you're eating said pig?" I asked, holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder as I pulled on my shoe.

"I don't know, eat your own pig?"

I rolled my eyes, and grabbed my keys and suit. "Why don't we talk about this when I get there, I'm walking out the door now."

Twenty minutes later I was shuffling into Emmett's hotel room, which was the temperature of a meat locker.

"Holy shit, man. What do you have the thermostat set at?" An involuntary shiver ran down my spine as a blast of arctic air hit my already sweaty skin.

"I don't know. How you can stand the heat here?" Emmett whined. I followed him into the living room where he fell dramatically onto the couch and fanned his face.

I shrugged and grinned. "You get used to it. Plus you spend a lot more time wearing a lot less clothing."

"I feel as though I should make my presence known before you two start talking about things a parent has no interest in knowing about their children." Dad said dryly, as he strolled into the room.

"Hey Dad. Where's Mom?"

He scrunched up his face like he smelled something bad and shook his head. "The girls came by earlier and collected her. I don't expect to see her again until tonight."

"What's with the face?" I chuckled, pushing Emmett's feet off the couch so I could sit down.

"They were just a little...intense."

"And by they, you mean Rose."

"Hey," Emmett cut in, lifting his foot and kicking me.

"What? You know it's the truth." I stared at him, waiting for him to disagree, which of course he didn't.

"Alright you two." Dad chided. "You can bicker in the car, I want to see the island."

We hopped into the Jeep Emmett had rented and took off toward Diamond Head. He'd informed us that he had no interest in dying of heat stroke so we wouldn't be doing any physical activity. Instead of hiking Diamond Head, I was going to drive down the coast and show them the island.

Bella and I had done the same thing shortly after we got settled in, her excitement over even the smallest thing still made me smile.

"_Edward, oh my God, it's the trees from Lost. I mean, I knew the show was filmed here, but l never thought I'd actually get to see them in real life. Look, at the roots! They're above the ground!"_

Everything had fallen into place just the way we hoped, even if there were a few bumps along the way. Like when she was passed over for the first few jobs she applied for.

"_Edward, it's been six weeks. Maybe I should just get a job at the mall or something, I can't just keep sitting here doing nothing." Her elbows were propped on the kitchen table, her face cradled in her hands and her fingers wound into her hair._

_I walked over to her chair and turned it so she was facing me. Squatting in front of her I rubbed the top of her thighs, and waited for her to look at me._

_When her eyes met mine I told her the same thing I'd said last time she wasn't offered a job she applied for. "You know that's not going to do any good. If you start a new job then you're going to have to ask for time off when you have interviews, and when you do get a job in your field you'll just have to turn around and quit. It doesn't make any sense for you to get some random job. You know we don't need the money."_

"_I know," she sighed, placing her hands on top of mine and squeezing. "It's not even about the money, we've talked about that. I'm just honestly going stir crazy. You're gone all day and I don't know what to do with myself."_

_I had been surprised when she didn't harp on the money factor after we got settled in. But she just laughed it off and said she could work a dozen part time jobs and still not be able to contribute enough for half the expenses, so arguing about it was pointless. I agreed._

_I pulled her to her feet and walked us into the living room before falling onto the couch and bringing her with me. "We'll figure something out."_

_I flipped on the television for noise and ran my fingers through her hair with one hand while she traced patterns over my other arm with the tips of her fingers. I loved being with her like this, feeling the weight of her body pressed against mine, a reminder that she was here with me, that we would never be apart again._

"_Hey, I know the aquarium doesn't have the position you were looking for, but what about volunteering? Maybe then you'd have an inside track on any upcoming positions."_

_She lifted her head from my chest and smiled down at me, her eyes bright with excitement. "That." she dipped her head down and kissed my lips quickly. "Is." Kiss. "An excellent." Kiss. "Idea." Kiss._

"_I have all kinds of good ideas. If you want I can tell you all about them." I slid my hands down to her ass and pushed her against me as I rocked my hips._

"_How about you show me instead?" she whispered before pushing her tongue into my mouth and shutting us both up._

_We skipped dinner that night._

_And just like I predicted, two weeks later she came flying through the front door and launched herself at me on the couch._

"_UH called. I got the job, I got it! Oh my god, Edward, it's going to be amazing!" She wrapped her arms around my neck, my entire body falling forward as I tried to steady myself from her surprise attack._

"_Whoa. What happened? What job?" She'd applied for so many at this point I wasn't exactly sure which one she was referring to. Not that it mattered because whatever it was made her really fucking happy._

"_University of Hawaii. The Waikiki Aquarium is part of the university. Anyway the director at the aquarium was talking to me a lunch today when I got a call from the Oceanography Research Department. I applied to work on their new coral reef conservation project after I'd heard some of the staff say their grant was approved and I got it!" Her words came out so fast I was barely able to keep up. _

"_That's great baby, I'm so fucking proud of you." Her smile was nothing short of blinding as I tucked her against my side and slid back on the couch. "Tell me everything."_

She did too, for the rest of the night, and pretty much every day since. Not that I minded, we were both settling into our lives here, and while we missed our families like crazy, being here together made anything bearable.

"Edward!" Emmett yelled, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

"Huh?"

"Dude, I've been talking to you for the past ten minutes. Have you heard anything I've said?"

"Yeah, sorry. Not a word."

"I asked, when do I get to eat a pig?"

I sighed and shook my head. Since he arrived a couple of days ago it was the only thing he'd talked about. "Fine. But if you vomit tonight it's not my fault."

We drove around for another couple of hours before finding a local dive that roasted whole hogs. As soon as we stepped out of the Jeep, Emmett took off to the side of the building where an entire hog, with a metal pole running though it, was being rotated over a low flame.

Before Dad and I could even get to the front of the building Emmett came barrelling around the corner, his eyes wide.

"What the fuck was that?" He gasped, his head twisting to look over his shoulder like he was being chased.

"What was what?" What in the hell was he talking about?

"The pig." He panted. "Its head was attached and..." he trailed off as Dad covered his mouth to try and stifle his laugh.

"Well, yeah." I answered, not really sure what in the hell his problem was. He just shook his head and walked through the front door and directly to the counter.

"You don't have any cows back there do you?" He asked the cashier.

Dad and I gave him matching '_what the fuck'_ faces which he waived off and turned his attention back to the cashier.

"No." The girl answered hesitantly, her expression matching my own.

"Good. Great. I'll have a burger. Well done."

We found a table in the back and I was about to ask him what his deal was, when I heard him mutter something about black, lifeless eyes. He shuddered so violently the table shook. Of course that could have been from Dad who was doubled over laughing at Emmett's dumb ass.

"Oh man, I forgot what it's like to be around the two of you for extended periods of time. I knew all those times your Mom dropped you on your heads was going to have an effect at some point."

"Hey, don't drag me into this!" I interrupted, "this is Emmett's show. And don't think I missed the head dropping comment." I shot him a look letting him know I wasn't the least bit amused.

He rolled his eyes, obviously not even a little concerned before glancing down at his watch. "Alright boys, we need to head back to the hotel, it's almost time."

I cut my eyes over to Emmett, who was already staring at me and swallowed hard. "Let's go then."

I pulled out my phone and sent Bella a quick text, letting her know we were on our way to the hotel, before heading out to the Jeep. The ride back was mostly quiet, everyone taking a little time to relax and chill.

I was the first to shower and dress, so instead of sitting around waiting for Dad and Emmett to get ready, I slipped out of the room to find Bella.

"Damn baby, you look fucking gorgeous." I exhaled as I stepped behind her.

"What are you doing in here," she hissed her eyes darting toward the door.

"I wanted to see you." And holy shit it was a bad idea, because she took my fucking breath away.

Her hair was twisted in some kind of braid that wrapped around her head, with small pieces pulled out and falling around her face and neck. Her makeup was darker than normal and it made her look almost unreal. In a good way.

"You can't be in here. Rose is gonna kick your ass if she catches you."

I moved until my body was flush against hers and wrapped my arms around her waist. "I'm not really worried about Rose now right." I glided my hands up the smooth silk that covered her ass, to her back which was completely exposed.

I lifted my eyes to the mirror behind her as I trailed my fingers up her spine.

"Edward." Her attempt to sound stern no more than an exhaled sigh.

"Turn around, baby, look at you." I turned her slowly until her back was to my front and curled my fingers around her hips, anchoring her to me. I dropped my lips to her shoulder and kissed my way up her neck until I reached her ear.

"I want to rip this pretty dress from your body and brace your hands like this." I reached for her hands and laced our fingers together, positioning them on either side of the mirror. "So when I put my hands here," I moved one hand to her lower back and pressed down so her back arched, while I wrapped my other hand around her hip, "and push into you," I pressed my hips against her, "we can watch each other come."

"Oh my God." she moaned, pressing back against me as she closed her eyes tightly.

"Will you let me?" I bit gently on her earlobe and tugged.

"Fuck yes."

She pushed off the wall and turned, wrapping her arms around my neck and yanking my head down as she pressed her lips to mine. "You have to get out of here." She whispered, putting a little space between us.

"Okay, I'll see you in a few."

"Meet you at the end of the aisle." She grinned.

My chest tightened at the thought as I turned and slipped out of the room before Rose could catch me.

"Where have you been?" Dad asked, sliding on his khaki suit jacket that matched mine.

"I might have snuck in to see Bella." I looked toward the bathroom to make sure Emmett hadn't heard, the last thing I needed was him on my ass.

"Did you see your Mother?"

"No, just Bella."

He opened his mouth then snapped it shut quickly as the bathroom door opened.

"Are we ready?" Emmett asked, tightening his tie.

"Yup. I called down to the lobby and spoke with the wedding coordinator, everything is ready to go." Dad smiled, clapping Emmett on the back.

"Let's go have a wedding then." I grinned, opening the door.

We walked through the lobby and out the back where a gazebo had been set up on the beach. Bright yellow and blue flowers and strands of white lights were attached to everything not moving.

The sun was just beginning to set, and even I had to admit that it was pretty fucking amazing. Emmett and I walked to the end of the aisle as Dad waited for Mom to join him.

I leaned into Emmett and whispered, "where are Randall and Mary?"

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "They went golfing earlier. Mom called while Dad was in the shower, and you thought you were being slick sneaking out, to let me know they were on their way down."

I grinned and shrugged one shoulder, not really giving a shit that I'd been caught. I thought back to my exchange with Bella in front of the mirror and no, I definitely didn't care.

The music started and our heads snapped to the end of the aisle just as Bella came around the corner, the wind catching the bottom of her light green dress and whipping it around her legs.

Without taking my eyes off of Bella, I leaned toward Emmett once more. "You ready for this little brother?"

"Yeah." He exhaled, I could hear the smile in his voice.

Bella winked and took her place across from me before turning her attention to the back. The music changed and slowly Rose appeared around the corner clutching her dad, Randall's arm.

I heard Emmett's sharp intake of air and knew without even looking at him that his jaw was slack and his eyes were wide, just like mine. Hell, I dare any guy to look at the beautiful girl walking up the aisle toward my brother to not have the same facial expression.

Her dress was simple―strapless white silk, flowing to her feet. No beads, so fancy lines, just plain and absolutely perfect for my little sister. It would have been a waste to have worn something fancier anyway, because all you could see was her blinding smile when she locked eyes with my brother.

The ceremony was low key, just both sets of parents and a few of her family members that made the trip down. They had a huge reception planned back in Seattle for all of their friends and extended family.

Vows were recited, rings were exchanged, and in less than fifteen minutes Rosalie Hale became Rosalie Cullen and officially a member of my family. After a million pictures, we were led to a small tent with several tables all decorated to match the gazebo.

After dinner― which was thankfully chicken and not pork―and cake, Bella insisted I give some sort of toast. And by insisted, I mean she drunkenly whisper-yelled that the sooner I gave a speech, the sooner she could grope me while we danced. I couldn't help but laugh, drunk Bella had very little control on her verbal filter, it was just another thing I loved about her.

I stood from my chair and cleared my throat before beginning. "Rose was in eighth grade the first time Emmett brought her home. Even then she was one of the prettiest girls I'd ever seen, and all I could think was―there's no way Emmett gonna hang onto this girl, she's gonna break his heart." I grinned over at Rose, who rolled her eyes and waved her hand impatiently for me to continue.

"Emmett was so nervous, doing everything he could to impress her, and while at the time I told him I'd hang out with them to try and help him out, secretly I was getting a kick out of watching him act like a tool."

"Jerk." Emmett coughed behind his hand.

"Anyway," I chuckled, "Mom dropped off some snacks and drinks for us, and Emmett, for all his hard work at trying to play it cool, blew it all to hell when he downed half his coke in one swallow and let out the loudest belch I'd ever heard. The look of absolute horror that crossed his face was almost enough for me to feel sorry for him―but that was cut short when Rose laughed, downed her soda, and belched so loud it made Emmett's sound like a hiccup."

Everyone laughed as Rose groaned, folded her arms on the table and dropped her head in embarrassment. Emmett chuckled as he leaned over and whispered something in her ear, causing her shoulders to shake as she laughed with her face still hidden.

"The point of this story is," I continued, "Rose let me know with one belch that she wasn't going anywhere, and for the last nine years they have been inseparable. So I wasn't surprised in the least when Emmett called and informed me he'd finally manned up and asked her to marry him. And when he told me they wanted to get married before the end of summer, I wasn't surprised by that either, because when you find your other half, your soulmate, you grab a hold of them with both hands, open your eyes wide, and jump."

I reached out to Bella, smiling down at her as I brushed my thumb over her cheek. "Because as long as you're together, and you hold on tight, you don't fall...you fly." I raised my glass and turned my attention to my brother and his bride. "To Rose and Emmett, may your wings always be spread wide."

After Rose and Emmett had their first dance, I pulled Bella to her feet and out onto the makeshift dance floor.

"That was some speech you gave." Bella commented as she twisted her fingers in the back of my hair.

"Yeah?" I grinned, pulling her closer.

"Did you come up with that on the spot?" She arched her brow at me, and I already knew where this conversation was headed.

"Yes." I rolled my eyes.

"Greeting cards. I'm telling you, you've missed your true calling."

Such a smartass.

I shook my head and looked toward the beach, "you wanna go for a walk?"

She nodded and we kicked off our shoes before stepping onto the cool, soft sand. "Do you remember the first night we walked on the beach?" She asked.

Oh, I remembered.

"_Edward, this is amazing." She pulled away from me and took off in a sprint toward the water._

"_Hey," I laughed, dropping our towels and running after her. I caught up with her just as her feet hit the wet sand and scooped her into my arms bridal style, before walking us deeper into the water as she clung to my neck laughing._

_When the water reached my chest, I dropped my arm from under her knees and turned her to face me, her legs immediately wrapping around my waist._

"_Didn't you mention something in one of your letters about wanting to feel my warm, wet body sliding against yours in the ocean?" She asked, kissing my shoulder._

"_Yeah." I whispered, pushing my hands inside of her bikini bottom and palming her ass._

"_Well, I'm warm." She moved her hand between us, tugging at the elastic of my swim trunks. "And I'm wet." She whispered, licking my neck as she pushed her hand inside my shorts and wrapped her fingers around me. "Let's see what we can do about sliding our bodies together."_

"Yeah, I remember." I answered, my voice rough as I thought about the way her skin tasted when I pushed her top to the side and sucked her nipple into my mouth.

She laughed and wrapped her arm around my waist, her head resting against my chest as we came to a stop.

"I love it here," she whispered, staring out at the water.

"Me too."

"I didn't know it was possible to be this happy."

I kissed the top of her head and just held her for several minutes, letting the sound of the waves drown out everything else. I nudged her shoulder and grinned down at her.

"So when are you going to let me make an honest woman out of you and stop living in sin?" I was only half serious, we wanted to get married in Seattle and neither of us had the time to start planning something like that right now.

"Pfft, sin is in. It's the new black." She joked, moving in front of me and locking her hands around me. "Besides, what kind of devil would I be without a little sin?"

"Oh Lucy," I laughed, mimicking her position and squeezing her against me, "there are plenty of sinful things we can do everyday to keep your reputation intact."

"Is that so?"

"It is a fact." I nodded.

"Well, what are we waiting for?" she laughed, pulling away and walking backwards, her expression full of mischief. "C'mon Stalker, let's go home and commit some sins."

"No rest for the wicked?" I smirked, my tongue sweeping over my bottom lip.

She shook her head, a wolfish grin spreading across her face. "Not even a little."

"Then you better run, little girl."

Her scream echoed around us as she took off running down the beach, the sound of her laughter making my chest ache. I'd found love in the most unconventional way possible. A broken and bitter guy who tripped over his own lies and deceit and fell straight into love.

A love that most people will never experience, and I'd nearly destroyed it single handedly. But Bella gave me a second chance, a chance to come after her, to prove I deserved her.

Honestly, I still wasn't completely sure I deserved her, but as I ran after her down the beach, a smile stretched across my face, I knew one thing for sure―I'd chase her anywhere, always.

The End

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><p><strong>AN**

**Remember the rainbows, hearts, and gooey confessions of love I promised? Yeah, that's happening now.**

**The Players:**

**Meg, Julie, Amber, Rose, Luvrofink- You guys rocked week in and week out, putting up with my crazy and giving me your feedback. I love you guys so much for everything you've done.**

**Kelly- I wouldn't have written a single word of this story were it not for you. You have been with me every step of the way as my sounding board and my brain stormer. You reeled me in and smacked me around when I needed it. Thanks homie.**

**Cejsmom- You volunteered to jump on this ride halfway through and I have wondered many times if you ask yourself what in the hell you agreed to. I probably should have warned you I was slightly unstable. Thank you for all of your hard work and the time you put into helping me make this story better.**

**The Pimps:**

**To all of the authors who rec'd this story in their updates, thank you.**

**To all of the people on twitter and facebook who pimped PtD and continue to make me cheesy smile, thank you.**

**TwistedInMasen- You gave me an amazing banner before I posted a single word. Thank you for having faith that my story wouldn't suck.**

**RoseArcadia- Not only did I get a blinky that still blows me away, but I got a friend out of the deal too. Thanks for everything you've done, your support means so much.**

**To all of the people who took the time to write about PtD on their blogs, you guys seriously ded me.**

**The Lemonade Stand- PawsPeaches**

**The Perv Pack's Smut Shack- Jess, Nico, Corie, and Teal**

**TwiFic Trivia**

**Wordy Bitches-MissMaj**

**The Wayward Pushers- Lea and Jamie**

**TwiGirlsNxtDoor- Darcysmom**

**And oh my God, my palms are sweaty and I have tears all over my face because I'm so scared I've forgotten someone and they'll think I don't love them!**

**To everyone that reviewed, even if it was just once, even if it was to tell me how much you wanted to kill Edward, thank you. I love you guys.**


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